Day 20: Returning to a year old baby

I think I've dealt with this issue pretty well by keeping her father very present in Lil Bit's life, but my husband has to be concerned in some way that the child he left won't be the child to whom he returns. Even the little girl from R&R is so different than she was 5 months ago.

Like most parents returning after such an extended absence, Chad worries about how his children will deal with his return, how they've coped with his absence. The older boys are more practiced and emotionally better equipped to deal with the absence and return, but still struggle with missing their father for a year of their lives, every other year.

Anytime Allyson hears voice coming from the computer, she rushes over, blows kisses, waving and saying "hi dada." For all the life she can remember, Daddy has been a voice from a book, a picture on the wall, a face on a screen. Very little of her life and I'm not sure if any of her memory, has he been flesh and blood.

She is a very friendly child in general, so I'm not too worried that she is going to react poorly when he gets off the plane. I'm hopeful that she will walk straight into his arms. But it is more than whether she'll cry or remember him easily, he is also now coming home to be her parent.

Spending two weeks with her for R&R, he did take care of her, but being here full time is a different dynamic. He has to learn her moods, the tricks to get her diaper changed, all her signs and almost signs. She signs "bird" backwards, it looks like she's pinching her mouth and "flower" is just all kinds of wrong. He'll have to learn that before bed, we do "praying hands," say our prayers with her praying bunny. Tonight she even reminded me before pjs that it was time to pray. Funny because she doesn't sign prayers any other time we go into her room, but somehow she knew that we pray at bedtime. Funny how fast she picked that up. He'll have to learn all her expressions and noises.

And I'll have to be able to step back to let him get to know his daughter. I'm going to have some rough times the first few weeks. I am going back to work almost immediately and will be leaving her in daycare all day. My heart will be broken enough missing her all day and sharing her will be hard. Heck, sharing him will be hard.

Plus, we've done pretty good with our little routines. Lil Bit and I have found a rhythm that works for us. Adding Daddy back into the picture is going to change some things. Some things will be different, some things better. Honestly, I think it's normal to feel like I'm going to miss having her all to myself even just a little bit. But I won't miss having to do it all by myself every night. I might even be able to ask for a night off here and there to just sit and play with her.

It will be different, that is for sure. Chad and I have never both worked and had children. We're going to have to try to find a new rhythm as a family. It will have some great moments, like when he goes in to get her up in the morning, and she is so silly. I can't wait to see him react to her.

We'll have some tough moments, sharing chores, cooking, etc. Balancing each of our needs. In some ways, I am chomping at the bit to have a couple of hours of free time here and there, getting a haircut, a pedicure, run to the store, etc. I'm sure he is excited to get home to us, but he has a lot of hobbies that take him out of the house. He's going to want to leave us a few times too.

I really am not sure how my husband feels about coming home and facing a child he barely knows, but he's done it so many times over. I wonder if it gets easier or if it is just different as he returns home, older, wiser, more mature. I just can't imagine spending a day away from her. I've been busy in the last few days preparing the house for his return, even if it doesn't look it right this second, that I've left her playing with her brothers and I feel like I'm losing these last few precious days.

I'm sure he can't wait to make up for lost time and is a little apprehensive about getting to know this tiny person who blows him kisses and plays peekaboo via video chat. 

Day 282: Different

Thursday, on our anniversary, WAND aired the updated video of our proposal story. I watched the video several times with various people over the past few days. The more I watched the four years ago me hug the four years ago him the more my mind replayed that feeling in my mind.

I remember the scratchy weathered feel of his uniform, the smell of his cologne, and the feeling of his broad shoulders under my arms as I reached around his neck to hold him. Then today I saw a soldier on a motorcycle. Something about his build and carriage reminded me of Chad. The emotions hit me so hard and so fast I almost lost my breath.

This deployment has been different. Honestly, ask any military wife and she'll tell you that every deployment is different. The marriage is different. The contact available is different. Your life is different. Our first two deployments though had more in common with each other.

Being a mom has changed everything. Taking care of Lil Bit takes every second of every day unless she has a good day and I get the first hour and last hour to myself. And then I am busy doing stuff that is life sustaining: showering, eating, restrooming (you can insert your own colorful verb here), dressing, flossing, etc. On excellent days, like today, when Lil Bit was just perfect, I have from 9:30 to whenever I get this done and get into bed.

I don't have time to miss him. I have days I get lonely, days I wish for an extra set of hands around the house, but the missing him button is buried deep and it takes awhile to get or just the right smell or sound or day. When it was just me, I had plenty of thinking time and spent a lot more of it on him. I just don't have the mental capacity. Lack of sleep and time means my brain functions at about 80% most of the time and things have to be triaged. I have to judiciously parcel out my time for myself and throwing a pity party just isn't on the agenda.

I feel bad, like I'm not a good wife, because I am not sitting here pining away for him every moment of every day like last time. I think about him a hundred times a day, I pray for him any time he crosses my mind and I have a second to throw a word or two in God's direction, sometimes just a wordless thought. God knows what I mean.

I am quite sure that being parents together is going to change our marriage. This summer we had both boys and Lil Bit. It was certainly different that our times alone, but we're used to having the boys and being parents in an on again off again way. They are here nine-ten weeks and then it is just us every night for most of the rest of the year. Being full time parents to a baby girl is going to be different for us together, so I guess I can't expect that it wouldn't be different for me alone.

I can't drop everything a run to the movies or on a whim run over to a friend's house. I am a little more isolated in that way, but on the other hand being so horribly, wonderfully busy makes the time glide by in ways it never did before. Yet, watching our beautiful baby girl growing and changing daily creates a longing for him to share it. In some ways this deployment has been easier than others and in other, harder than I could ever have imagined.

Either way it is different. And I just want him home, safe and sound. If wishes count for anything, now'd be good too.