Day 307: Whining isn't the picture

I did get a reply from the person who made the comment yesterday and without going into unnecessary details that invade her privacy, she doesn't want to be my friend. She did apologize kind of, but basically said, no need to actually be friends. I don't know why it hurt me so much. But it really did. I couldn't sleep last night, and cried over it a few times.

I don't know how people see me. I would hope that at least up until recently, I was viewed as the kind of person who was always happy. I know my students have told me that a lot in the past. Feeling down or sad just doesn't get you anywhere but downer and sadder, so I try not to let myself go there. Feel it, acknowledge it and move the heck on has always been my motto. I've just never felt this alone and felt this overwhelmed on a personal and professional level at the same time.


I am so alone here with some friends but mostly acquaintances who are all probably sick of listening to me. Every day feels like Groundhog day, but instead of getting better at everything I just get more and more swamped. Even when I get a handle on one thing, it feels like three others pile up to take its place. I don't have anyone at home to help lighten the load emotionally. I think I could deal if I could just have someone to crash into at the end of the day, but I don't. My mom and mother-in-law take turns being my go to girls, but I miss my best friend, Chad.

People keep telling me I need to ask for help, but I don't know that I can be helped. Unfortunately a lot of what I need isn't convenient for anyone else to do. Maybe prayers are all you can offer, but I put out into the world the sadness, fear, pain, stress on Facebook and in this blog because I don't know what else to do. My emotions are so out of control that I don't even feel like myself. I feel alone and overwhelmed and STRESSED and don't have anyone to lean on. If all the negativity on here upsets you, well then don't read it or help. Just a commiserating comment or a phone call or come over and sit with me.

Today I went to the visitation for my student who was murdered last week. I sat in the pew with tears rolling down my face. I looked at the plastic, cosmetically made up version of her and felt the air sucked out of me. I was confronted with my mortality. I was confronted by the blessing I have in being able to go home to my daughter. Even now as she pummels my side with stronger than you'd think baby kicks, she lights up at my smile and reaches for me now whenever I leave her side.

Maybe I just suck. Other women can do all these things and ROCK. I am not perfect. I am sometimes self-centered and blunt, come off sarcastic instead of witty, and need a lot of time to myself to recover and regroup to head back into the fray, dear friends. Whatever, I am who I am. I strive daily to be better, be stronger, but I will always fall short of some and do better than others. All I ask from you, is nothing less than I ask of myself, don't judge, give people the benefit of the doubt unless they prove unworthy. Assume the people around you are decent and trying to be kind. Give people a break.

Anyone who reads my blog and only sees whining - is missing the message. Love more - hate less. They both spread - pick your plague.