Day 90: Manners and Missing

I'm pretty sure I've turned into the cranky, bitter old lady. Today was exasperating. My students are just so different that I was ever allowed to be.

They seem to feel more entitled to respect than willing to give it. When I give directions in class, some of my students talk right over me, then they don't know what to do and get angry with me when I don't feel like explaining again. It is frustrating to explain everything more than once, but to do so because they chose not to listen.

I was just about in tears. I can't wait for tomorrow! By the end of the day, I felt ambushed by rudeness. It was not all my students, but enough that they hijacked my class. It is hard this week (last week of classes before exams) to enforce discipline except for serious offenses because the AP's have their hands full playing catch up with the usual suspects.

Then I came home with my Lil Bit and instead of having a nice night playing with her, encountered inexplicably cranky girl with her trusty sidekicks snotty nose and screaming fits. She cried for more than an hour for no reason I could ascertain. I held her, which seemed to sooth her some, but for the most part, she just cried.

A combination of Tylenol, Mylicon,  Gerber cookies and milk seemed to do something. I'm not sure which was the fix, but she finally calmed down. It was really hard being patient with her when all she would do it scream. I felt really overwhelmed. I still kinda want to scream with frustration over the rough day.

She screamed in anger and frustration every time I put her down, but would cry and squirm when I held her. If you don't have any children, or they are too little for this yet, it is hard to imagine how it feels to be trying to comfort your precious child who is kicking, pinching, and randomly slapping you. At least she didn't bite me.

I kept from getting angry or losing my patience by reminding myself that she doesn't usually act like this, so something must be wrong for her to be so upset. That was when we tried Tylenol for her teeth and mylicon in case the lactose in her toddler formula was bothering her.

Soon after, she asked for crackers. Although to be fair, cracker is her sign for crackers, cookies, cereal, heck, food in general. I gave her some cookies and she calmed down and even drank some of her milk. She went down to bed with no fuss, right on time.

Which is good, because I felt like I was near my breaking point today. There are days I get tired, days I feel like I've got the world by a string, and days I wonder how I will do this one more second alone. I don't even know how my husband will fit into our little routine. We get so used to doing our own thing without him here. But I am so ready to find out how Chad will be a part of our day to day. I really need some support.

Not just with the baby either. This week has been very emotional for me and I've struggled with a lot of different issues. I really miss having my best friend here to talk to, hug, cry on his shoulder. I know this week was so much harder for him. He was "busy" with 18 hour "I can't talk about it" days and then got one hour of sleep last night because he got called out for the quick response force (emergency crew).

He was online today but barely had a second to talk and couldn't tell me much about his week anyway. It was hard sitting online together and not being able to really talk. I am glad he isn't a spy; it would kill me not to know what he is doing forever. I really felt how much I miss him today. He really is my better half. That sounds so cliche, but we can still spend an evening talking so much we can't get through a tv show or never turn it on. We can make a party out of taco night in our kitchen. We can play xbox until we're both sweaty and gross and have the best time together. It might not work for any two other people in the world, but it works for us. AND I MISS HIM!

So I'm at the breaking point with missing my husband, needing some time for myself. needing kids to just hold it together for a few more days and the eternally teething baby who refuses to get new teeth, hair or walk. Mmm, I guess I could look at the positive side. I still have all my teeth, hair and can walk. No wonder she is so crabby.

Day 213: Breaking point and phones

This weekend we got a phone call from Daddy. He and I are both having a rough time. In fact, I think this is the worst deployment for both of us in many ways. He is bouncing back and forth from post to post every other week or so. He never gets to feel settled or established. It is like an entire year without a home, privacy, peace. It seems strange to talk about him having peace in a combat zone, but having a bed, a room to call your own is at least a slice of peace, if not the real deal.

Of course, you know why I am at my breaking point. There are literally piles of unattended to crap everywhere. The carpet needs vacuuming but I would have to pick up in order to vacuum and since that isn't happening . . . I spend 90% of everyday feeling like a failure as a mother, wife, teacher, person and 100% of it tired. Even when I am asleep, I dream about being tired. Now that's wiped out.

Then we get a chance to talk and all we both need is to be able to vent and what happens? The phone is broken. FIVE TIMES mid-conversation I all of a sudden can't hear him. Once he called back and I couldn't hear him from "hello". I was ready to cry. He calls maybe once a month, sometimes twice. This week he needed some information for a security clearance, so he called late one night. We got a chance to hear each other's voices TWICE, woo hoo, in one week.

I know guys who can call everyday. I know wives who want that. I have never had that with him in Iraq, but our relationship started long distance. We talked on the phone for hours every night, from 7-10. It was the best and worst part of my day. Hearing his voice sound so close and be so far was torture. Being able to talk is what created our love and friendship, but it was painful to not be able to be together. If he called all the time, it would keep the sadness of missing him more present in my mind. I can't know for sure, but when we say good-bye my heart breaks a little. I can't bring myself to end the call. Every time we talk could be the last. I can't imagine saying that kind of good-bye daily.

We tried to talk about some serious stuff, but the less than wonderful phones kept interrupting us. It is time to start thinking about what happens when he comes home, what does he do next to start working toward his next promotion. What does his career progression mean for us as a couple and me as a wife? Do I teach next year, do I stay home? If I stay home for a year or two, how hard is it to get back into teaching? Will we be moving? If so, when? where?

We are both so tired, it is hard not to get emotional. He has concerns. I have concerns. We hate this separation again. We hate the problems being apart brings us. It takes so much time away from his life that he feels like he has to cram everything in when he comes back and I feel like I have to play second fiddle to everything else. I have to be understanding and share him with his dad, mom, sister, children, hunting, fishing, friends, all of which wives complain about when they see their husbands everyday. It is hard not seeing him for a year, then having to let him out of my sight for even a few days is so difficult, it hurts to write about it now, but unfair for me to ever say much to him about. The least I can do is let him have his time to himself, even when I just want to be around him 24/7 for awhile.

He will come back right when I go back to work. He will come home and get 30 days leave, and I will have to go to work everyday. I can take off, but the first few weeks of school are challenging enough to set a tone for the year without taking a few weeks off. I am trying not to cry thinking about how emotionally difficult that will be, especially if he wants to take a trip somewhere and I have to stay behind. Somehow, being without him for a night or two when he comes home is harder to consider than the next seven months without him here now.

So we're on this phone call, trying to discuss our future plans, make big decisions and he has to call me back every few minutes and eventually switch phones completely. He is trying not to break down; I am trying not to break down. The baby is alternately screaming into the phone which makes everything even, cuz now he can't hear me either. We finally decide nothing except to start looking into things and come to a decision as soon as we have some options for what he might be able to do or be next.

Before hanging up, we decide that this year is testing both of our patience and will be a good growth year so that we are more patient with each other in the future. We say a 100 I love you's before really hanging up. Never enough time, never the right words, never good enough. It is so hard to love a soldier, but so easy to love Chad that I signed up anyway. The love doesn't stop it from being hard, just makes it worth doing.