Day 73: Heavy truth

This is hard for me to write about, but I've been overweight much of my adult life. I've fought it every day or succumbed to defeat and gone off my strict diet. I started gaining weight at the very end of college. I got up to a size 22 before I realized how horrible I felt living like that.

I lost the weight and kept it off for a few years by smoking cigarettes and not eating and walking a lot. But the second I started eating normally again, I would gain the weight back. And I did. I got up to over 200 lbs. and started dieting again. It took me a good year before I lost all the weight, but I walked and walked on the bike trail and lost the weight. I also was smoking a lot and eating very little.

I looked great, got down to a size 2, but was probably near anorexia. I was eating some, under 1000 calories a day, just not enough. But the second I started eating normally I started gaining weight again. I've been fighting it off and on since I met my husband. I eat better when he is deployed because I refuse to cook for myself most of the time. Which is really a double-edged sword - good when I am able to control the cravings and eat my lean cuisine, and bad when my hungrier demons convince me to order pizza.

The last deployment I lost about 40 lbs. It wasn't nearly what I wanted to lose, but it was close enough that I didn't feel like a whale in Cancun, but I gained just about every pound back and this deployment has been harder. My body is getting older and frankly with being more stressed and busier, I haven't been as dedicated to losing the weight as I needed to be. It was hard to exercise with a baby when she was too little to ride in the jogging stroller. And when it was all I could do to get home and spend time with her, I didn't want to take those precious few hours and use them to exercise. I just wanted to be with her. Now that I have the time to exercise, I'm killing myself to lose at least some weight before my husband gets home. I ran four miles today. Did two workout routines and ate around 1000 calories today.

The hard part about it isn't the constant struggle so much as it is the overwhelming self-loathing. Our society is all about THIN. Being fat is like a plague or at least feels like one. When everyone around you is skinny, being fat feels like an accusation. It feels like everyone is looking at you and judging everything you wear, how lumpy you look in it, what you order in a restaurant, and some days it feels like being heavy means you don't deserve to live. Not literally, but not in public. I feel like our society doesn't want to see you if you aren't movie star perfect. When someone walks past us in Walmart wearing something three sizes too small, we take their picture and upload it to Facebook or People of Walmart so everyone can share our laugh.

People who've always been thin and never struggled with their weight, don't get it. I have friends who work out like fiends, but are pencil thin. They are too skinny and don't really have any idea what it is like to be overweight. They don't understand that we feel put down in every situation whether anyone is actually thinking it or not. They don't understand that an invitation to go to the pool with them makes us feel like even bigger whales. While I am glad my friends want to include me, they all look like super models and don't have any idea how much the weight weighs on me.

People look at me and see the size 16. They don't see that I eat the same breakfast, lunch and snack everyday because I have the calories measured out exactly, 700 or so for all three. That gives me 500 or so to eat in the evenings for snacks and meals and maintain a calorie burn of 300 calories without any additional exercise. I ate like this all year and still didn't lose weight. I ordered pizza a few too many times, but one pizza would last me four days at least. It isn't like I ate half of it at one sitting. The worst pigging out was three slices most of the time.

You would think that as tired as I am of living this half life, where I hide in my house so people don't see and judge how ugly I am, have events that I don't want to attend because I don't have anything to wear that hides me enough. I will stress for weeks about attending an event because I feel so fat. I dread visiting friends and family because I don't look they way I wish I did.

I even struggle with looking forward to my husband's return because I am ashamed of the way I look. I don't know which is really eating at me, the struggle to be thin or the struggle to accept this is who I am. I have run four miles seven times in the last week. I have eaten frozen dinners, grilled chicken, and cereal for dinner. I have lost the same 7 lbs. four times since New Years.

There really isn't an end to this blog because I don't have an ending. This is something that I will struggle with until I die. I feel like a perpetual failure. I feel unworthy of having friends, going out. I hide and hide and hide until I've lost enough weight I feel less horrifying.

gasp} large pore is visible.

How do we live with messages that preach a perfection that few can attain? We're all broken some on the inside and some on the outside, but most a little bit of both. How am I supposed to raise my daughter to like herself, the way she is, when I hate the way I look? How on one hand can I feel like summoning all my strength to let go of the pain and just accept that this is who I am, loving, caring, funny, organized, perfectionist, fluffy and on the other want to beat this stupid thing once and for all. I've beaten it back so many times I can't count, but never beaten it. I only lose less weight the next time I try.

I just say to you, if you're not overweight, spend some time today thinking about everything you put in your mouth. Imagine you couldn't just eat without counting every fat gram, every calorie. Imagine you had to decide your wardrobe for the day based on what made you look least like one of Dr. Oz's fat globs. Imagine how much it hurts to feel like the whole world thinks you're a disaster because of your physical self. Especially in our culture where we can forgive ugly, cruel, but never fat. 

Day 294: Military: Cut Pay or Cut Troops?

Seriously?? This week's Military.com newsletter came out with this as the primary article. I generally skim the headlines and read articles that seem pertinent to me or my husband and family. I came across a headline that suggested the current administration is looking to cut military pay and benefits or decrease the size of the military.

I immediately was concerned on several fronts. For one my husband's current tour is already demonstrating to me what happens when you decrease troop presence in a hostile environment. He has not told me much due to security reasons, but has been in country for two months and has seen more this tour than the past three, according to him. One country, one war - one troop withdrawal and our soldiers are seeing the results of that action. What happens to our nation's security and our troops if we decrease the number of soldiers active and prepared to defend us?

One, doesn't that just paint a large target on our backs? We've been fighting the insurgents since 2001 and been in the Middle East since 1990? If we're at this level of "success" with our current troop levels, what can we expect if we decrease in size. We can't be everywhere we are needed if we close up ranks and lower numbers to appease the budgetary concerns of congress. I have no problems admitting that we need to do something to shore up our economy. ENDing the wars would be much more effective than decreasing the number of people left fighting them.

Secondly, my husband is on his fourth tour now. Some of his platoon are on number five or six. What happens to these guys? They just keep getting cycled up for deployment? Deployment is unbelievably hard on a soldier and his/her family. Yes, they/we signed up understanding this possibility, especially those who signed up post 9/11, but that doesn't make it any easier to create a life. Being absent for year after year isn't a life. My husband has missed 4 years of his sons' lives, a minimum of 1/3 of their lives. Being married to an absent man, doesn't feel much like a marriage all too often. So many soldiers are suffering great depressions and are suicidal because their home lives have been completely destroyed and their work lives take them away over and over and over. One year was hard, the second was tough, but the third starts to feel like the norm is to be alone and is absolutely devastating emotionally as a couple. We are crazy about each other and are doing great given the circumstances, but what I wouldn't give to have him home for three years in a row. That seems like a pie in the sky dream at the current troop level, what would happen if we cut enough troops to make a difference in the national economy? How many more times can the same soldiers go?? Just the thought of another tour after this one makes me see red.

And if we're trying to cut troop levels to decrease costs, will they start looking for reasons to drop soldiers as they get close to pension time? "Ooh, you have a bad back? Well, yes, we do understand it is from serving your country in war zones faithfully over the past 18 years, but we'll have to separate you from the military at this time because you aren't fit for combat any more. Yeah, sorry about that pension you worked so hard for." If we as a society are judged by how we treat our weakest members, how much more harshly should we be judged if we mistreat those who protect us at great personal sacrifice.

Another option the government is apparently considering is cutting benefits for veterans and retired soldiers. Well, I can't speak for anything other than my personal family members, but they joined for the medical and retirement benefits. They served understanding the rewards "waiting" for them. But whoops, when they went to collect . . . nada. Oh, someone told you that you would get free health care from the military for serving during Vietnam? Sorry, no insurance for you! My father signed up when others were being drafted. He served willingly and now has no medical coverage at all. My husband and I are counting on his military retirement and medical benefits. We have bet our lives on it. If they cut what my husband is putting his ass on the line for, we don't have a future. My pension is worthless, a few years teaching here another few teaching over there, not enough to support myself on and little hope to build anything with another 8-12 years of frequent relocating.

Also, because of the frequent PCSing (permanent change of station, meaning being assigned a new home base) and deployments, many military families are single income because of the stresses of being a "single" parent regularly and holding a full-time job and because it is hard to move every three years and maintain gainful employment, much less a successful career of any kind. That salary and benefits supports the people who support the people who protect and support our country. My husband can do his job better when he knows all is well at home. Having a salary that can support all of us when necessary is part of keeping him focused on his job and keeping him and the men around him safe.

If you can't tell, totally riled up here. Breaking promises to our military professionals isn't right when millions of dollars get spent in Washington and around the country campaigning to keep their phony baloney jobs. I vote they make all campaign funds illegal. All candidates get the same air time, the same press time and the same coverage at rallies, etc. People hear them on the issues, not who can make a more creatively manipulative ad. No more fancy inaugural balls. No more voting themselves pay raises. No more junk! If we have to cut somewhere, cut the fat, not the meat of our nation. Our army, our educational system, our health care = these sustain us and maintain our people.

Lets work on creating a budget that makes real sense in every way, so we can keep the military getting pay raises at least commensurate with the cost of living if not with their sacrifice, and keep our promises to our veterans. Because the people who really serve our country deserve better than the government fat cats are offering.

The average pay for a soldier is $54,000 a year, including all his housing allowances, etc. This is for all soldiers as an average. Most enlisted make much less than this and bring home significantly less, while high ranking officers can make much more.  The average pay for a representative or senator is $174,000. Congress gets automatic cost of living raises annually, unless they specifically hold a vote to decline them. But every year decides if the military personnel get any raise at all, regardless of how much the cost of living has increased.

It took decades for the military pay to be equitable with similar jobs, we shouldn't take a step back. Quite literally, they have fought too hard for the little they have to be slapped in the face by the very government they are sacrificing their lives, families and bodies to protect!