Day +3: Bugs

Today, I'm having a few issues. My husband came home very sick from Iraq and I couldn't NOT KISS him. So he's still recovering from a horrible cold, jet lag and combat.

Then I got sick and the baby got it too. She spent the entire day with snot just pouring out of her. It was really disgusting.

My throat started hurting last night, but by the middle of the night, it was so painful that I struggled to sleep. The baby was up every thirty minutes for most of the night. I was up with her for a few hours and then my husband was up with her.

For our first day alone together, we spent it sitting on the couches in the living room miserable. We are both too tired to do much or say anything much. And to top it off my computer is having issues.

And a fussy baby with a bug, a new puppy with chewing issues, a sore throat and the accompanying exhaustion, aches, etc. with a computer that won't charge has made for a rough day. For now, let's just say that reintegration has been a bit rough. Not really arguments, but we both went through so much stress and need some time to decompress. Being sick and tired is just making it harder for us to get to the next stage.

For today, we survived. But it was not the romantic, emotional reunion we had hoped for. I do know that we need a lot more time together and I have to get up and go to work tomorrow. I've never been less excited to go back to school. 

Day 25: Expectations

My husband and I took the first step today in preparing for our reunion. We communicated about our expectations. It sounds simple, but if you don't think to do it, often you both end up disappointed and angry.

I can speak about this confidently because his second deployment, his first with me, we had a few rough moments after he came home. As the deployment wound down, I had started to imagine the joyous reunion, make plans for us and so had he, but we each assumed it would go smoothly.

Without talking to each other about what we expected and planned, our plans conflicted. Our ideas about the reunion and especially the first few days were different. I didn't want to assert my desires over his after he spent a year in war, but it was hard not to let my feelings get hurt or be disappointed when he didn't envision our first few days together the way I had. He knew the year apart had been hard on me, and Chad didn't want to push his agenda, but had things that were important to him.

What we discovered last deployment was that all we needed to do was each talk openly about how we see the reunion and following days or even weeks going. He says what he wants without worrying about me. I say what I want without worrying about what he wants. Then we each can consider the plans and compromise and neither one of us has to give up all of what we want.

We do this usually a couple weeks before his return over email. The first rule is to be open minded when you read the email. Don't take every little word and analyze or twist it. These emails are kind of like the first draft of a story, open to revision. Part of the process is being willing to give in completely to your spouse. Both of us have to be willing to go along with each other's desires. If we start there emotionally, compromising becomes easier and we both get most of what we want.

By talking about what we expect or hope for, we can both envision "worst-case scenarios" in which the other person gets what they want completely and we lose out. But even just thinking about it, makes it more manageable. Then what really happens is usually better than that worst case scenario.

The goal here is to be together with the person you love and enjoy that time together. Both of us want that, what neither of us wants is to argue at all or have disagreements. Some disagreements are just part of being married, but this is one we have learned to head off at the pass by talking about it now instead of waiting to see how things shake out.

It is probably one of the easiest things we can do to make the reunion go more smoothly. Ask him if he wants a big return celebration or just a small get together with a few friends, invite the whole family, or just you and the kids. Find out how he envisions those moments he gets off the big white bus and runs across the field. Decide which things are really so important they are worth fighting for and what things don't really matter that much. I've found that the more we talk about it, the fewer things actually matter and the more we each get to just loving each other. 

Day 38: The first part's mental

It has started to sink in that my husband will be home in a matter of weeks, less than four most likely. After feeling all year like it would never get to this point, it's here, and I don't feel ready.

I spent so much of this year sick or just swamped that I didn't have time to exercise the way I wanted to and I didn't lose the weight I was hoping to lose. It is hard emotionally for me not to look my best when he comes home. I am hopeful to lose a few more pounds in the coming weeks, but still recovering from this throat infection and feeling pretty weak, so it will be mostly diet and little exercise. I am hopeful I could lose maybe ten pounds, but that would be best case scenario. He told me he doesn't care, that I'm beautiful no matter what and that he is just so excited to see me, he could care less if I've lost weight or not.

The next thing is cleaning house. I'm hoping to start feeling better and get to the housework soon. I want to "spring clean" and purge things that are no longer necessary or are really just garbage. I also want to clear out space for my husband. A truth I've noticed in life is that we expand to fill whatever space we're in. I lived in a 900 sq ft. townhouse and was very cramped, between my husband, cat, two stepsons, and myself. When we moved into this house 1600 sq. ft., it felt huge. Now it feels like the walls are closing in. Of course, now we have a medium dog and a toddler whose toys have taken over the living room.

But through the course of a year, my stuff slowly expands to fill some of the empty places he's left. The fridge fills with diet yogurt and Lean Cuisine. The beer fridge gets full of diet soda and hard cider. The kitchen is organized the way I use it, not necessarily the way he does. It just doesn't make sense to live the whole year just waiting for him to come home. I sleep all over the bed; I organize the house the way I like it, and now it is time for me to start undoing what I've done in preparation to welcome my husband home, making room for him.

This is the first step for both of us, mentally preparing to change. It takes a lot of mental gymnastics to deal with a year of separation. Likewise, reintegration takes mental preparation. He has to start thinking about coming home, being in America, turning off the soldier mindset, tuning back into family. I have to start preparing to share my space again. I've been king of the castle so to speak, doing what I want to do when I want to do it, when the baby lets me that is.

I have to mentally start preparing to let him back in, let him make messes, move things, take some control over raising our daughter. This is probably the hardest part of the reintegration process for both of us, the mental game. When he comes home, he feels like he's just walking right back in where he left, like coming home from a quick vacation. Everything is where you left it, nothing has changed. But in the year he's been gone, I've moved things, reorganized cabinets, changed how I do things at least ten times. He has to be patient that things aren't the same and not just push his way back in, and I have to be patient to let him wriggle himself back into the house even if he does things differently than I would.

One of the things I've started trying to do is realize my year to parent Lil Bit how I see fit is over. She isn't just my daughter. She is our daughter and he gets to have an opinion, a nighttime routine with her that is his own. She and I have had so much fun, just us girls, while she knows sign language, in some ways we've got a language all our own. It will be hard to share her and him. He also needs to respect what I've done this year with the baby and in my life and with the house.

The couples who struggle with reintegration, aren't prepared for the days after the joyous reunion. They don't realize all the little land mines and struggles of coming back together. After doing this a few times, I know we both have to start this process a few weeks ahead of time by thinking about how life will change, about how to be patient and understanding as we both face changes to our reality.

The first step to successfully reintegrating is mental. Because so much of the process is focused on the joyous reunion, people forget to think about the disappointments and frustrations as well and they walk into unprepared for the fact that it is like getting married all over again, moving in together new again. So we start by being prepared for the rough edges and conflicts and being prepared to be patient is the most important of all. He and I will both need extra doses of patience with ourselves and each other.