Day 27: Almost Again

Last night and today, the news was all about Nasser Jason Abdo, an AWOL soldier from Fort Campbell, Kentucky. He had been raised to an Islamic father and Christian mother, but had claimed the Islamic faith personally more recently. He joined the military in 2009, and not too long after that, he filed for a discharge from the military as a conscientious objector. His request had been approved, and then he was found in possession of child pornography, so he went AWOL (that is absent without leave).

My first thought was that if he was such a good Muslim that he was released from his military service with a recommended honorable discharge, he probably shouldn't have ANY pornography as Islam prohibits lewdness, much less CHILD pornography. I worry about the vetting process if such obvious crap can get him out of his contractual service to his country.

I have no idea what he was thinking, but he seemed to be planning a terrorist act here at Fort Hood. He was staying downtown at a motel, where they found weapons and explosives. The police chief Dennis Baldwin who held the press conference this morning answered the question "How close was he to having a bomb?" by saying that if they hadn't acted today, he would have been here giving a very different briefing. Somehow the gravity of the situation reverberated in his words. I rewound the conference to watch from the beginning.

According to an article in the Austin American Statesman byJeremy Schwartz, he was planning on bombing a popular restaurant and then shoot the survivors. Just listening to the conference and reading the news articles brought back some of the emotions of the Nidal Hasan shooting from November of 2009. In fact, Abdo even bought his guns at the same shop, Guns Galore, which is apparently also frequented by Mexican drug cartel bad guys.

I don't know which restaurant was targeted, but tomorrow, I'm meeting a friend for breakfast and it is scary to think it could have been us. He probably would have chosen somewhere closer to the post, but if he had bombs and guns, it would have hurt a lot of people, military personnel, their families, and just innocent people.

He wanted to "get even" with the army so targeted Fort Hood because Hasan did. Families, friends, patriots would have been wounded and killed. I don't know how many of these types of attacks are thwarted every day, but I would guess many of the perpetrators are not U.S. Military. I'm not even sure how to feel about having another near attack near my home. It's scary. They caught him. He seemed to be acting alone. He was disturbed enough he triggered the gun shop's personnel's wariness.

But he was miles from my house, building a bomb or several, planning on killing people going out to eat in hopes of killing soldiers. I'm really glad the shop owner, police, and FBI coordinated to catch him and prevent the attack, but I'm sad that he got as far as he did, that he was plotting to hurt fellow Americans at all. He would have hurt a lot of innocent people.

It almost happened here again. We're still waiting for Hasan to face trial for the murder of 13 people and the wounding of 32 more. It is hard to believe how long it is taking for him to get to trial. In fact, I'm horrified to find that he is still drawing a paycheck from the military and all his medical treatment from his wounds incurred as a result of his attack is being provided by the military. He won't come to trial until 7 more months and will have all his needs provided for him by the army in the meantime.

I'm sure Abdo will receive the same treatment since his discharge was not processed due to the child pornography images on his computer. I really want to know how a "devout" Muslim joins the military during wartime and then spends all of his time in the service appealing to the military and the public to be discharged from the military service. Why did he join if he objected to the war and violence? It isn't like he converted later.

I don't know if today would have been the day, but it could have been. A violent attack that would have cost lives to Fort Hood, American soldiers almost happened here again. And I don't know how to feel about it. It was prevented, but it was almost and that is enough to scare me. 

Day 66: Toddler Travel

So my Lil Bit isn't quite so Lil anymore. She wants to go go go. And she doesn't fit quite as neatly on my lap as she did six months ago. I new flying home was going to be a challenge, but that it might be my last chance for a few years. With my husband coming home things will change. Our nuclear family of him, me, Lil Bit and her big brothers will take precedence and since we have to travel so far to pick them up we don't often go on long distance trips with them.

I bit the bullet and tried to plan for this the best I could. I packed my carry on with emergency needs and my electronics that I don't trust under the plane, and used my gigantic mommy purse. In my purse was two of my diaper packs (sandwich bag with wipes and a diaper tied up in a scented disposal bag), a few teething toys, a small book and a new toy that she only saw during our trip to Walmart. Good thing I brought the big mommy purse because one of the planes today was so little that we couldn't have our carry-ons on the plane and were checked below the plane. If I hadn't switched purses last night, we'd have been sunk. I don't know how they justified taking away our carry on baggage. There were overhead bins, all empty.

I figured the new toy would be distracting because she hadn't heard all the songs yet or heard all the voices. I planned to save it for our second plane ride of the day since that was the long ride. The first ride was barely long enough to get up in the air before we were coming back down, but she played with the phone for a few minutes before she got sleepy and curled up with me. She crashed hard both flights.

She was definitely more fun this trip, but harder to appease. For extra back up, I put in a DVD in my laptop. It would be hard to get to it, but if all else failed, it could be worth it to have so I could distract her during the flight. I didn't want to take any chances on a toddler meltdown, but the reality is that you can't get to anything you've packed with a toddler on your lap. Keep a few essentials literally as handy as possible and resign yourself to the fact that everything else is hopelessly out of reach.

I had packed two cereal bars for her and two for me. I packed her crackers and some on the go applesauce. I also packed the last pancake cut up into a baggie. She wasn't going to go hungry if I could help it. Most of her fussiness usually comes down to being hungry. Sitting next to two people instead of one was going to be enough for most travelers; I didn't want to make it any harder if I could help it. But it was hard to dig through the giant mommy purse looking for things, so I took whatever was easiest to grab and made do.

She started to meltdown about twenty minutes before we landed which doesn't sound very long unless you're sitting near a one year old who has decided that nothing makes her happy and she is going to whine incessantly. I know the people around me understood and that she was not all that bad. She had a few minutes of pretty rough whining, but I tried to keep her distracted and quiet the best I could. She really only cried when we put her in the car seat after hours of being cooped up in planes and strollers. To add another 45 minute trip was almost too much. She was near tears until we turned on some kids music. Then she was at least quiet.

It was a long day, and she was pretty good, but she fell asleep at the table and now won't go to bed. She is driving me up a wall. I won't be able to sleep with her like this. She is bouncing up and down at the foot of my bed and acting wide awake. I haven't had a nap all day. I am completely fried. And she is wired! I forgot to grab her CD and her stuffed animal so we're making do with replacements from Auntie, but they are not doing the trick. I think she finally gave up and realized I'm ignoring her. I hope she goes to sleep soon. This has been a long day.

Things I learned today:
1. Already mentioned this one, but you can't reach anything over a lap child so choose wisely what you keep in your pockets and top of a large mommy purse.
2. If you bring powdered formula, the flight attendants will fill your sippy cup or bottle with bottled water for you on the plane. No need to spend $3 for a bottle of Evian.
3. Bring snacks for you! I ate at 6 and didn't get to eat again until what would have been nearly 4 my time. I had one 140 calorie snack bar and didn't know if I was going to make it. Being hungry exacerbates motion sickness, no fun.
4. New regulations require you to pay fees to check any stroller weighing over 20 lbs. Use an umbrella stroller if you can, they are light, easy to get in and out of tight bathroom stalls when Mommy needs to go.
5.  My work lap top didn't make it through security so I had to be pat down. Don't sweat it, just do it. Still haven't had to do one of the new scanners, will keep you posted on that one.
6. Choosing the quickest trip to your destination might not be the best ticket. If our connecting plane had been departing on time, we would have barely made it with 40 minutes between flights because they start boarding twenty-thirty minutes before the flight. Getting off the first flight is tricky because you have to wait for your stroller and the crowded plane of people. It takes about 20 minutes just to get off the plane and get your stroller. If you can choose a connection with an hour in between that gives you enough time to change the baby, pee, grab a drink and feed the baby something.
7. Go into the day knowing it will be an unmitigated disaster, then it can't be any worse than you anticipated.

If you have any other questions about traveling, let me know. I didn't know last trip that they will open the pre-packaged formula to test it, ruining the vacuum seal and meaning if it isn't drunk within two hours, it is garbage. If you have a whole day of traveling to do, this is not welcome news. Bring powdered formula you packed ahead in DRY bottles. If there is any moisture in the bottle/sippy cup it will make the formula turn. You don't want that to happen. You can have small amounts of formula and baby food now that wasn't allowed last time, but it might be inspected. You also need to remove all those items from your bag when you go through security.

I think that pretty much covers it. Long day and I'm going to be woken up very early by two 5 year olds. 

Day 143: Too soon

Today, I was trying to make some inroads into clearing out Lil Bit's drawers of things she has outgrown. I have a friend who is pregnant with a girl and I was starting to sort through items that I could give to her, everything from brand new items my daughter never got to wear (or even got washed to wear) and lightly worn items.

Babies grow so fast that their clothes barely get much wear. Especially my Lil Bit has been given so many clothes, she wasn't even able to wear most things twice in her first few months. I've already sorted and passed on boxes to my step-daughter who had a baby in November and my babysitter who had a baby this winter. I kept a few items because I couldn't bear to part with, but I can't keep just boxes and boxes of baby clothes.

My husband and I haven't talked at length, but we're on different sides of this conversation. Lil Bit's first year has gone too fast. I have been tired, frustrated, beat on my feet, but have grown more and more in love with this tiny person every day. I am getting teary eyed thinking about her turning one because I don't want her to stop being a baby just yet. I am loving this baby stage despite the difficult first three months.

This afternoon she started getting cranky, and I realized it was her nap time. I thought about taking her into her crib, but wanted to savor these all too preciously few moments, so I held her until she fell asleep and rocked her for awhile. I kissed her cheek and sang to her. I guess I just realize that this may be my only baby and it is almost over all too soon. I almost teared up just watching her sleep, my angelic, little, sweet baby face.

I know my husband has two older children and has been doing this for awhile. He isn't really a baby person anyways. I certainly don't want another child if he is truly opposed to the idea, but I'm not sure that I am ready to let go of the possibility of another baby.

Parenting is a long commitment, and we both have to be in agreement to welcome another child into our family. God certainly blessed us beyond what we deserve with our sweet Lil Bit, but I would like to remain open to the idea of another child coming into our family. I know this is a long conversation and we got really lucky with what a great baby she is. There is no guarantee that we'd get just as lucky a second time around or be in a position to parent another child at our ages. I am not even sure that I can't be happy with just one itty bitty around the house.

I just don't feel done. I would really like to consider another baby. I don't know that my husband feels the same. Right now, I just want to pray about it. If it is meant to be, God is gonna have to drop this one almost at the door stork style. Please, dear reader, take a second and send up prayers for God to answer a prayer for discernment and wisdom regarding another child, prayers that if He has another baby in our future, that he bashes us over the head with His intentions.

We've talked about Foster to Adopt, but that is a complicated issue. Some friends of ours adopted this sweet little boy several years ago and he has become the bane of their existence. I know they love him deeply, but he ended up having ADHD to an extreme I've never seen after 16 years of teaching and other psychological issues. While having children is always a lottery whether they are genetically yours or someone else's, people who have had their children removed from their home, tend to have issues, probably didn't take care of a pregnancy ideally, if at all.

Life is very complicated and children are messy, time consuming, expensive, frustrating, beautiful, curious, amazing, fantastic. Sigh, what to do? Pray, pray, pray. God certainly answered quickly in spades when he brought us Lil Bit. But I will save all the drama of that story for her birthday. 

Day 355: Suck it up

Yesterday, a new wife facing her husband's first deployment commented that her mother-in-law (MIL) had told her to "Suck it Up and deal! You signed up for this." She was very upset and frustrated with her MIL. I told her I could relate.

First, my mother-in-law is AWESOME! We <3 her!! But we did have a similar conversation many years ago. It was Chad's second deployment, but my first. We were just engaged and busily planning the wedding. It was one of those days when the weight of missing him just drags me down and the emptiness he leaves in my heart twists and turns inside my stomach like a fear dagger. I don't remember exactly what I said or what she said, but the essence was this is what you signed up for. My son doesn't need to deal with your tears and weakness. You need to be strong for him.

I was taken aback. Here was the one person I expected to understand the worry, fear, longing, love and she was sharp, almost cold to my plea for support. It was one of those comments that stung for a time, but got forgotten. She is very supportive and probably reading this right now so I don't want her to think I am upset, but I have learned a few things along the way, now three deployments into this marriage.

1) After two glasses of wine, don't ask my MIL anything unless you expect the unvarnished truth! 2) Her experience and fears are different than mine. She saw me vulnerable and weak and went straight into momma bear mode. She saw the woman her son loves desperately, has gone over and beyond to propose to and make a life for, being weak. She saw her son's heart breaking when I change my mind about marrying him or marry him and eventually cheat or leave. She saw with her heart and wanted to be sure that I was strong enough to maintain a marriage during the most difficult of times and that I would be strong enough that he could leave me, children, home to go into war without worry. His mind has to be singularly focused on what he is doing or he could put himself or others in danger.

While I still have those days when I need to cry, vent, rage, she now realizes that I need those releases so I can be the strong independent woman her son needs and not lose my mind. While she will never understand exactly what I am feeling during these long stretches of time he is away in danger, I will never fully appreciate her perspective either as a mother fearful for her precious child. We are both here loving and supporting my husband and each other. Military wife/MIL lesson aside, the real lesson is to see things from someone else's vantage point before you get your panties in a wad. Often the view is surprising.