Sunday, April 3, 2011

Day 143: Too soon

Today, I was trying to make some inroads into clearing out Lil Bit's drawers of things she has outgrown. I have a friend who is pregnant with a girl and I was starting to sort through items that I could give to her, everything from brand new items my daughter never got to wear (or even got washed to wear) and lightly worn items.

Babies grow so fast that their clothes barely get much wear. Especially my Lil Bit has been given so many clothes, she wasn't even able to wear most things twice in her first few months. I've already sorted and passed on boxes to my step-daughter who had a baby in November and my babysitter who had a baby this winter. I kept a few items because I couldn't bear to part with, but I can't keep just boxes and boxes of baby clothes.

My husband and I haven't talked at length, but we're on different sides of this conversation. Lil Bit's first year has gone too fast. I have been tired, frustrated, beat on my feet, but have grown more and more in love with this tiny person every day. I am getting teary eyed thinking about her turning one because I don't want her to stop being a baby just yet. I am loving this baby stage despite the difficult first three months.

This afternoon she started getting cranky, and I realized it was her nap time. I thought about taking her into her crib, but wanted to savor these all too preciously few moments, so I held her until she fell asleep and rocked her for awhile. I kissed her cheek and sang to her. I guess I just realize that this may be my only baby and it is almost over all too soon. I almost teared up just watching her sleep, my angelic, little, sweet baby face.

I know my husband has two older children and has been doing this for awhile. He isn't really a baby person anyways. I certainly don't want another child if he is truly opposed to the idea, but I'm not sure that I am ready to let go of the possibility of another baby.

Parenting is a long commitment, and we both have to be in agreement to welcome another child into our family. God certainly blessed us beyond what we deserve with our sweet Lil Bit, but I would like to remain open to the idea of another child coming into our family. I know this is a long conversation and we got really lucky with what a great baby she is. There is no guarantee that we'd get just as lucky a second time around or be in a position to parent another child at our ages. I am not even sure that I can't be happy with just one itty bitty around the house.

I just don't feel done. I would really like to consider another baby. I don't know that my husband feels the same. Right now, I just want to pray about it. If it is meant to be, God is gonna have to drop this one almost at the door stork style. Please, dear reader, take a second and send up prayers for God to answer a prayer for discernment and wisdom regarding another child, prayers that if He has another baby in our future, that he bashes us over the head with His intentions.

We've talked about Foster to Adopt, but that is a complicated issue. Some friends of ours adopted this sweet little boy several years ago and he has become the bane of their existence. I know they love him deeply, but he ended up having ADHD to an extreme I've never seen after 16 years of teaching and other psychological issues. While having children is always a lottery whether they are genetically yours or someone else's, people who have had their children removed from their home, tend to have issues, probably didn't take care of a pregnancy ideally, if at all.

Life is very complicated and children are messy, time consuming, expensive, frustrating, beautiful, curious, amazing, fantastic. Sigh, what to do? Pray, pray, pray. God certainly answered quickly in spades when he brought us Lil Bit. But I will save all the drama of that story for her birthday. 

No comments:

Post a Comment