Day 230: CAB and sleep

So last night, as I am hurrying to finish my blog and head to bed, I see my husband is online. We get to chatting. He tells me that his CO kept him from going on a mission due to the bruised bone in his finger. His truck was hit by an IED during that mission. No one was hurt, I guess it wasn't very bad, but he was frustrated at not having been there. He is worried after four tours in Iraq that he hasn't earned a Combat Action Badge. His concern is that without a CAB he will not be promotable to the next rank.

It is already past 11 o'clock, the baby has been up twice a night every night all week and now I am relishing a chance to chat before he goes to gunnery training and is out of communications for a week or so. He then worries me with limited info about conflicts. He has to maintain OPSEC, but tries to keep me somewhat in the loop. I miss hearing about his day to day. It is really hard not being able to talk about what happens to him on a daily basis. While I want him to be able to talk to me, I think it is normal to be scared when he tells me about bombs, rockets, mortars, and such.

We didn't get to say good-bye. The MWR computer crashed once during chat and we got to start again, but the second time all connection is lost, it is lost for good for tonight. But now I can't sleep. This is way too many close calls recently. It may just be my perception of danger, but it sounds like it is a lot more dangerous than it was previously. Maybe he just trusts I can handle more of the truth this time. I am not sure which is the case, but perhaps a little of both.

Being ill this week has meant I am more run down and tired. Then the baby is up twice a night, every night and is not readjusting to daycare well. I just sank onto the floor and held her until it was bath/bed time last night. Nothing got done. I am swamped at work and can't grade any papers at home with a baby who demands constant attention or is pulling up and falling over constantly. I am struggling to get up each morning, have too much responsibility at work and am wiped out. Hearing about so many close calls is making me very emotional. I am just having a rough time. I couldn't sleep. I was too hyped up with concern.

He is worried that not having a CAB will keep him from getting promoted. I worry that he won't come home. I don't know how well I will sleep tonight. If being exhausted is any indicator, maybe sleep will come easier, but I think I will spend the rest of this deployment on pins and needles waiting every day to hear he is alright. It will be a very long 8 months.

Day 239: Rockets

Yesterday, I waxed less than poetic about how much I love my husband and don't know how well I would be able to survive without him. While I do survive without him every other year, it really is a countdown. I let certain things go, like the lawn or the pool or my hair style. I tough it out through day after day because I know it is temporary.

Then I get an email like I did today. I was driving with his boys back from picking up the dog from the kennel. She actually didn't seem too traumatized, which is nice. At a stoplight, I checked to see if I had an email from him. I was so excited, until I read it.

"i have had a rough 24 hours. last night i almost got hit by a rocket so needless to say i had to spend the whole night out investigating the sites they shot from then this afternoon cut my thumb pretty bad."

I could feel my chest get tight. I deliberately didn't say anything to the boys, but it was hard to finish the drive home. I just told them that their dad cut his thumb and was having a rough night.

I almost lost him forever last night, or yesterday our time. I don't even know what to say about that.  He almost was killed . . . so now I sit and just turn that over in my mind like a polished worry stone my dad used to turn in his hands as he thought. I don't know how I got through the rest of the day with that information in my mind except that Dadve's brother and SiL came in for the night and things got pretty crazy between my MiL and Dadve, Al and Pat, my SiL Megan, the boys (12 and 11) and baby with holiday stuff and unpacking happening. I didn't have a lot of time to ponder. We played a lot of Kinect games. 

But now, as I try to fall asleep, I worry. I haven't heard from him again since the email at 11 pm his time which probably means he crashed out after a very long night and had a busy day preparing to go to his other duty station, but I will worry until I hear from him again.

When I think about rockets, I think about that silly song from the seventies, "Sky rockets in flight . . . " and 4th of July and space travel. I don't want to think about losing the most important half of me. I still don't know how to process the fact that he almost died, if I even can.