Day 161: His and hers

Today was our his/hers day. The baby went to daycare. He took the boys and went hunting. I went to the spa. He bought me a gift certificate for Valentine's Day thinking that he would be home so I could feel like I could use it and not have to find someone to watch the baby.

But in the end, taking a day for myself took time away from us and his hunting plans will take at least a day away from us, so we decided to do both things on the same day to decrease the time away from each other. I planned last week for my relaxation day. I had a deep therapeutic massage, facial and much needed hair cut. I got a short "mom" bob not too long after she was born thinking it would be so much easier, but it was actually harder. I had to do my hair everyday instead of being able to pull it back in a clip or up in a ponytail or even just brush it and slide in a headband. So I've let it grow out for almost a year. It was time for a trim and some layering.

Chad got the boys up and ready to leave this morning. He even got Lil Bit dressed and fed, letting me sleep in. We had a rough night last night. She was up at least four or five times. I got up with her three and I think Chad got up with her at least once, but I can't be sure he didn't get up twice. Either way I was really tired and he let me get an extra hour of sleep. I still was tired enough to doze off during my treatments. One of the times I dozed, I was thinking about going to school the day Chad returns to Iraq. I felt myself starting to cry and kind of jolted myself out of sleep.

I thought how awful it is that many of the things we argue about or struggle with are really a part of the things the army brings into our lives. We parcel out our precious days, trying to fit in everyone and everything, trying to get enough of daddy in our lives to sustain us for the next five months. It really made me angry. Last night his youngest son was all over him, he was close enough to be glue. He spent the entire day stuck to his dad. They went grocery shopping together, cooked together, cleaned up together and then we sat down to watch TV. I wanted to hold my husband's hand, snuggle and he was right there, literally smashed into the corner just to be next to his dad. It is so sad to seem him so lonely for his dad. On the other hand, daddy and I need time together too. It just isn't enough time for everyone to get what they need.

The first week of his emergency leave was all travel, hectic, emotional, family, awful and gave us no time to connect. The amount of time it takes for him to wind down enough to talk to me, get close to me is so long that we were in the same house, but might as well have been across the world from each other in many ways. Then we came home and I had to go to work everyday. He took a couple of days to help with his dad's things, but we had a couple of evenings, yet it took us most of the week to get to an emotional place we could even really talk. I had tons of work to do and he had agendas as well. Now the boys are here and they need to spend time with daddy, hugs and tickles and GUY stuff too. But it leaves me left out.

There are only so many days left before he is gone again and we never know when or even if he might make it home. I can't let him go feeling like we have so many pieces of ourselves to put back together. It was nice to take a day to take care of myself. I am glad he is getting to do something so important to him, but I really wish we didn't have to count the seconds all the time, parceling out moments like jewels. I just wish we could spend enough time together to have the chance to get sick of each other, to feel like we had enough time to love each other.

Most couples will never know what it feels like to live and love with a swinging clock overhead. Unless you're in it, it is hard to understand the little parts of reintegrating into the family and relationship that make it hard to do in two week periods. It feels like cramming a marathon into a 100 yard dash. It can't be done and everyone ends up feeling mildly disappointed.

I knew I was financially "rich" the day I walked into Walmart without carrying my calculator (I have low expectations). I will feel emotionally rich when I don't have to think about how many days he has left, when I don't ask myself every weekend if this is his "last" chance to do . . .x, y, z before leaving AGAIN. I can't wait for the day when my husband and I have so much time together we won't have to balance his/hers days or count the days or cry with lonliness anymore. I am already feeling sick to my stomach about his leaving next week. It is a really hard life. Most people can't do it. Most marriages don't survive it. After so many deployments, trainings, schools, etc. I am starting to understand why.

We suck it up, we carefully wall ourselves off, even from each other in order to survive, but it gets so tiring so always play this his/hers game when we got married so we could be an US.

Day 244: Spa day

My sister and BiL surprised me with a spa day for my Christmas gift. They wanted me to have a few hours where I wasn't mom and just got to be Jen. Any mom understands the need to have time to just be yourself, but single moms, even temporarily like myself, don't get to hand the baby off and just take some well deserved "me" time.

Heck, on the weekends when I don't wake before her, I have a hard time getting into the shower. She is a very patient baby and can keep herself occupied often, but instinctively seems to understand when I need to go to the bathroom, shower, eat or sleep and chooses those moments to melt down. Like last night, she fell asleep around 9:30 and woke up at 11 ready to play. My BiL Matt stayed up playing with her and watching Babytv.com for awhile. She was up past one and then smacked me in the face and cried about every hour during the night. I woke very unrested.

The chance to take a few hours and get spoiled, pampered and pedi'd is rare. I also get to share the afternoon with my sister. We got manicures and pedicures together and my sister scheduled a 75 minute relaxing, moisturizing facial for me. She and I shared a bottle of Riesling while we were moisturized and paraffined. Yet, we didn't get as much girl talk time as I would have liked across the manicure tables. With she and my mom living so close to each other and seeing each other nearly every day, they have become very close. I sometimes feel left out, so it is nice to be able to take some time with each of them separately.

After our toes were sparkly and twinkling, I was led to a spa room for my relaxing facial. Quiet wood flutes played softly as moisturizing lotion was applied to my face. Hot stones massaged my arms while lavender and peppermint opened my pores. A deep scalp massage sent me drifting into a much needed nap. I awoke feeling dreamy and relaxed.

It was a delicious day. I just wish I could have rested a bit longer before returning to Lil Bit. I told the receptionist they should have a single mom packaged with a nap built into the facial and massage package. We got home and my mom continued to occupy munchkin while we ate my BiL's tacos and guacamole. She began to meltdown about the time I wanted to get to bed. She screamed so loudly my sister wrapping presents in the basement heard her from the second story. Talk about feeling like a wonderful parent. I tried to keep the calm of the spa with me just a little longer, but was not very successful. Too bad the spa day feeling can't last as long as the pedicure will.