Day 65: Nightmare

Last night I had a dream that my husband was killed. In the dream, I was sitting in a room full of soldiers that served with him and he was there (kind of). He asked one of the soldiers to tell me about serving with him. That soldier turned to the rest of the guys and they started telling stories.

As dreams go, they jump around and I was back home trying to deal. I didn't know how to let people know or hadn't really even accepted it. I hadn't been informed officially yet, not sure how I found out. The dream was disjointed, but next people were bringing me food, offering to watch Lil Bit, but I couldn't process that he was gone.

It just didn't seem real. I couldn't grasp that the last time I heard his voice was weeks ago and would be the last time ever. I was doing something in the kitchen and it hit me that he was really for real forever gone. Then his little gmail chat icon turned green on the computer. I rushed to type, "Hey!" But it was just his roommate turning off his things. That was when any and all hope died. And I woke up.

It was all I could do to wait until morning to check for an email from him. I knew if I got up and opened computers, etc. it would wake the baby. I was sleeping very uncomfortably as it was and knew she probably was too with all the noises she was making. Somehow I made it until it was actually time to get up, but there was no email. It was going to be a long day until I heard from him.

I know it was just a dream, but it was very vivid. The emotions were very real. I would have been destroyed. Honestly until he is in my arms, I won't truly be able to completely not worry. Chad's life is in God's hands, and I shouldn't worry, but having faith that God's plan is best for me doesn't mean that he will come home. I will be checking the computer all day. I haven't heard from him since an email Saturday. It has only been 48 hours, but sometimes it gets hard to go so long, especially when he doesn't get much chance to call.

We finally got an email after lunch. He is very stressed out and exhausted, working on an hour or two of sleep for several days. He's had 36-48 hour periods of no sleep. Just ridiculous. I swear to God if he gets killed because we don't have enough troops there to do the job left to them, I will make the army wish they had never heard of me.

But he is alive today. We even got two minutes of video chat before the internet cut out. We got to see his face before the screen froze and he could see us. He got to see and hear his baby daughter being cute and cooperative. She said, "Dada" and pointed at the screen when she saw him. She did some of her new signs and tricks. Later we even took some time to chat for longer than usual.

But it is getting hard. I think as the time gets short, there is more pressure to get things done and he feels like I can just barrel through and make it until I get home, but I have a real fear for his safety and want every contact we can have. Plus, if he doesn't start calling more often, we get distant and he feels very far away from me. I have had enough of this far away b.s. I want him home.

My nightmare just solidified that I really love him, can't imagine my life without him in it. I know distance does make the heart grow fonder and six months from now, I may sound less rose colored about him, but I really do love him for the person he is and the joy he brings to my life and my heart. Plus, I can't wait to see what our life looks like as a family with our daughter. Her birth was so tied up in training and preparations for leaving that we didn't get a lot of time together before he went. Now, she is a full little person, replete with personality, which unfortunately she is demonstrating right now by refusing to lay down and go to sleep. I hear the new "children's" book narrated by Samuel L. Jackson in my head. If you don't know it, google it. Hilarious!!

Day 70: Faith

"And Sarah said, God hath made me to laugh, so that all that hear will laugh with me." - Genesis 21:6

This was the bible passage for my morning devotional via Logos app for my iPhone, which is awesome! I love being able to read a devotional morning and evening, search the entire passage, define words, look up alternate translations, etc. right on my phone. Very cool!

But this verse speaks to me more than most. For those without context, in this verse, Sarah is talking about God's promise to give her a child. She was in her 90's. She could not imagine a way even an almighty God could make this happen for her and the future nation she was promised her offspring would become. And yet, she brought forth a son whose family became the nation of Israel and the Jewish people, eventually leading to the birth of Jesus and Christianity. This verse is about the celebration in her heart when God kept his shocking promise to her.

A little over a year ago, I didn't know if I would ever be a mother. I didn't know if that was God's plan for me, for our family. More than two years ago, we started asking people at church to pray about adoption as an option for us, to make it clear if this was the path we were to pursue. We raised the money with much sacrifice, but very quickly, something we thought was going to be impossible. Then we started praying hard about finding the right agency. We had a lot of setbacks at this part of the process, but we prayed and tried to trust God that His plan for our family was the right one, whether a child was part of that equation or not. Eventually, our agency decided, a birth mother chose us for her child, and six very short weeks later, we had a baby girl. It was less than nine months from start to finish, everything fell into place just as it needed to happen. Even getting accepted by our agency happened on exactly the right day to make sure we got the baby we did.

God had never made me such a promise as he made Sarah, but he had promised me  ". . . we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28


I knew that he had a plan for my life and that no amount of wishing for something to be true would make it so, but that if I had faith, trusted in His promises like in Jeremiah 29:11: “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.


Somehow, my whole adult life, I had tried to conceive, but it never happened. I eventually had a hysterectomy for medical reasons. Eventually, I gave my desire for a child up to God and told Him, that while being a mother was the one thing I thought I couldn't stand to live without, if I wasn't meant to be a mother or would be an awful mother, that I was willing to let it go to do His will and live His life for me. It was then He blessed my life and family with the most amazing child. She doesn't remind me of myself in looks or gestures, but I can already see the stubbornness in her and know that God has given me the child I was meant to parent, for her good and for mine. I am looking forward to raising her so much. 


But the main message I heard this morning as I read, wasn't just about how blessed I am, but how a God who made a promise come true that was humanly impossible can do all things, how our faith will always fall short of His ability to amaze us. It was a message for me about how Mighty is our God and how joyously we should celebrate His grace. He saved me from my sin, has saved me many times from myself and even then did more and blessed my life in a myriad of ways. 


I pray daily for the safety of my husband, but know that he is in the hands of the Almighty. We might not all share the same details of our faith, but those of us who worship God, know the peace and joy of His love and have faith in His promises, even when things seem darkest. He may have a different plan for our futures, but the joy of the Lord is my strength. And I have faith in His plan for me. I do not have a perfect easy life or every thing I've ever wanted, but I have all I truly need and much more, and more love than I could ever deserve. 


Some days, this faith is all that keeps me held together. I can't stop the rockets from landing on my husband's post in Iraq or insurgents from planting IEDs along his convoy routes. I can't make his commanders allow him more than three hours of sleep in three days. All I can do is pray and have faith.