Day 65: Nightmare

Last night I had a dream that my husband was killed. In the dream, I was sitting in a room full of soldiers that served with him and he was there (kind of). He asked one of the soldiers to tell me about serving with him. That soldier turned to the rest of the guys and they started telling stories.

As dreams go, they jump around and I was back home trying to deal. I didn't know how to let people know or hadn't really even accepted it. I hadn't been informed officially yet, not sure how I found out. The dream was disjointed, but next people were bringing me food, offering to watch Lil Bit, but I couldn't process that he was gone.

It just didn't seem real. I couldn't grasp that the last time I heard his voice was weeks ago and would be the last time ever. I was doing something in the kitchen and it hit me that he was really for real forever gone. Then his little gmail chat icon turned green on the computer. I rushed to type, "Hey!" But it was just his roommate turning off his things. That was when any and all hope died. And I woke up.

It was all I could do to wait until morning to check for an email from him. I knew if I got up and opened computers, etc. it would wake the baby. I was sleeping very uncomfortably as it was and knew she probably was too with all the noises she was making. Somehow I made it until it was actually time to get up, but there was no email. It was going to be a long day until I heard from him.

I know it was just a dream, but it was very vivid. The emotions were very real. I would have been destroyed. Honestly until he is in my arms, I won't truly be able to completely not worry. Chad's life is in God's hands, and I shouldn't worry, but having faith that God's plan is best for me doesn't mean that he will come home. I will be checking the computer all day. I haven't heard from him since an email Saturday. It has only been 48 hours, but sometimes it gets hard to go so long, especially when he doesn't get much chance to call.

We finally got an email after lunch. He is very stressed out and exhausted, working on an hour or two of sleep for several days. He's had 36-48 hour periods of no sleep. Just ridiculous. I swear to God if he gets killed because we don't have enough troops there to do the job left to them, I will make the army wish they had never heard of me.

But he is alive today. We even got two minutes of video chat before the internet cut out. We got to see his face before the screen froze and he could see us. He got to see and hear his baby daughter being cute and cooperative. She said, "Dada" and pointed at the screen when she saw him. She did some of her new signs and tricks. Later we even took some time to chat for longer than usual.

But it is getting hard. I think as the time gets short, there is more pressure to get things done and he feels like I can just barrel through and make it until I get home, but I have a real fear for his safety and want every contact we can have. Plus, if he doesn't start calling more often, we get distant and he feels very far away from me. I have had enough of this far away b.s. I want him home.

My nightmare just solidified that I really love him, can't imagine my life without him in it. I know distance does make the heart grow fonder and six months from now, I may sound less rose colored about him, but I really do love him for the person he is and the joy he brings to my life and my heart. Plus, I can't wait to see what our life looks like as a family with our daughter. Her birth was so tied up in training and preparations for leaving that we didn't get a lot of time together before he went. Now, she is a full little person, replete with personality, which unfortunately she is demonstrating right now by refusing to lay down and go to sleep. I hear the new "children's" book narrated by Samuel L. Jackson in my head. If you don't know it, google it. Hilarious!!

Day 106: Things not to say to an Army wife

This is modified from a variety of lists floating around the Internet. The list of ideas is partially borrowed, but the responses are mine. I like the ideas behind many of the lists, but some were a little more hostile than I felt comfortable sharing.

I think a lot of people really are just ignorant of military life and the realities of how it affects soldiers, wives, families, etc. Most people live in a world where three day business trips are "forever" to spend apart, in which death is a vague possibility not a daily potentiality, and when they are confronted with someone who lives the way we do, they don't know what to say. They feel sympathy, empathy, but don't even begin to understand what we do or what our husbands do. The things they say sound awful to our ears, but are their attempts to understand.

This is a list of things people say trying to get a glimpse into a life that seems so foreign to them, so unbelievably hard.

1. “Aren’t you afraid that he’ll be killed?”
      Of course. The reality of modern warfare is death is a reality, but injury is far more likely. Either way, it is terrifying. Truth is people are far more likely to die in traffic than war statistically, but somehow we accept that where as with war, being in mortal danger is unavoidable. We worry everyday. We try not to think about it. We can't. It would be like walking around with an open wound, too painful. We try to focus on other things, like the kids, work, things like counting down the days, writing a blog. Asking us brings it back to the front of our minds. Please don't. 


2. “I don’t know how you manage. I don’t think I could do it.”
     Maybe you couldn't. A lot of people can't. But I never thought I could either. I almost walked away from dating my husband because he was stationed 5 hours away and in the military. But I couldn't help myself. I fell in love, and I decided that I loved him enough to have half a life with him rather than a whole life without him. If you love your husband as much as I do, you could do it too. You would hate it, cry, scream, get angry, etc. just like I have and will. Army wives are not magical, we're just women who decided a commitment to our marriage was just as important as our husband's commitment to our nation. 


3. “At least he’s not in combat.”
    Most army wives hear this about once a year. Guys head out for training, school, field exercises, etc. Yes, it is better than combat, but gone is gone. They are gone SO MUCH that any more time gearing up for leaving, saying good-bye and taking on double duty is awful. To some extent, it gets harder and harder with repetition of good-bye. Our worry is less when they are in country, but our hurt isn't. 


4. “Do you think he’ll get to come home for Christmas/anniversary/birthday/birth of a child/wedding/family reunion, etc?”
   NO. While sometimes commanding officers will make a point to get a dad home for the birth of his child if at all possible, most times when they leave for deployment, they are gone for a minimum of a year with a two week R&R in approximately the middle. Some MOS's (jobs) deploy more often for shorter times and sometimes the circumstances dictate a longer or shorter deployment, but they leave when they leave and they come back when they come back. If you are VERY lucky, he will get to choose his R&R dates, but we've had to fight for decent R&R every deployment. While he has always had supportive CO's, it is hard to worry every time whether he will get to come home the one week he will have his boys or when I am off work too. If R&R coincides with a special occasion, it is just luck. Chad missed his daughter's first Christmas, winter, Easter, BIRTHDAY! They don't get to come home for anything short of a death or impending serious health issue of a parent, spouse or child. My husband's father was near death for two months. He got to come home about half a week after his father's death. They don't get to come home until the tour is over. It isn't our choice or theirs. There is nothing we can do to have them home. 


This is a touchy subject for me because one of my acquaintances once made a comment that Chad must like being gone because he is deployed so much. My husband has never volunteered for a deployment, but has never shirked his duty either. He has been gone 4 years. Not a choice! 


5. “What are you going to do to keep yourself busy while he’s gone?
     This is a reasonable question for some military wives. If you don't work and have no children, then a year deployment can feel like an eternity of days stretching out in front of you. Even if you work, having no children, it can be rough to fill the time, but it does get filled. Once you have a house, pet and children in the picture, you don't worry about filling the days, you worry about having time to sleep and get everything done. You worry about not baking the diapers and freezing the bread. You worry about be patient and kind with a child who has decided to use your shoulder as a teething toy while you've been throwing up for three days. Your days are over before you know what happened. 





Tomorrow I will finish this list. For tonight, I have spent most of the day still feeling pretty sick, cradling a baby who was miserable most of the day. It is almost 11 and I have missed two days of work being sick and have been too sick or dealing with a cranky infant for most of the day to get much done. We did get to chat via computer call with Chad today. It was super cute. She heard his voice. He said hi to her and she said in her baby speak, "hi da da." She was pretending to hold a phone to her head too. It was super sweet and cute on so many levels.