Day 198: Always mom

Tonight my step-son from my previous marriage called. He is 22 now, but stills needs a mom. He calls and just says he called to say hello, but once I let him ramble for a few minutes it comes out that he is struggling with some pretty rough emotions. I can't imagine feeling so lost and alone, let down and ignored by the people who are supposed to support and love you, your family.

He recently found out a pretty harsh truth about his parents. He hasn't been very close to either of them in years. But he feels really disconnected from his whole family. His mother abused drugs his whole childhood, which in retrospect I think I knew something wasn't right. He lived with me most of the time, but her household was always an unstable environment. Her husband abused her in front of the kids and was at best absent or hostile to the children. A lot of this didn't come out until after I had been divorced from their father for awhile, but I hated sending them to her house even though I know she loved them. She kept choosing (and still does) the abusive husband over her own children and has convinced herself she was a good mom. On top of all that, she lied to my step-son his whole life about his father.

Her sister got drunk over the holidays and told him the truth, blow by blow. He then confirmed it with his mother.

He now knows that his father, my ex, was never his biological father. He is afraid to tell his dad this recently shared secret because he worries he will lose the only father he has ever known. Knowing how hurt he is makes me furious because his dad never treated him like a father should treat a son, like I see my husband now treat his boys. His dad always pushed him to be more manly, more like him, less into video games and Harry Potter and more into football. He never felt like his dad approved of him and sometimes if he even ever loved him. Plenty of times, I heard the ex say awful terrible things. I spent a lot of nights not knowing what to do. If I left, where did that leave the kids? But staying cost me too. (another entry for another night)

Other than his late grandmother, my step-son feels like I am the one person who will always take time to listen. I just wish he wasn't hurting so much. He said he doesn't remember being happy for a very long time. I told him he needs to find a way to be happy in himself, with himself and forget the ways his family has let him down, cut him out and hurt him. I tried to encourage him that he can make his own life and find his own friends and love and family however he defines that term.

I raised him 80% of the time for six years, until 2003. Eight years later, we spent Thanksgiving together and talk about once a month or so. But I feel I let him down. I worked so hard to give him a stable family while I was part of it, but failed in many ways especially since my marriage to his father ended with his infidelity and a complete loss for the children of another mother, home and life.

Now I am relegated to phone calls from states away and prayers that he will find the peace he needs to walk away from the hurts his family has inflicted on him and move on to create his own place in this world. I just hope that he really knows, even when he couldn't talk to me after the divorce, that I was always his mom in my heart, that I stuck it out with his dad because of him and his siblings, that when he needs a family who loves him, I am always mom, ready to listen, offer advice, smother just a little and love him. And he has a heavenly Father who loves him more than I can, and maybe I was around just long enough to let him know those two loves will never let him down. 

Day 349: Truth or Friendship

This week I have been writing about how grateful I am for my friends, but lately I have been struggling with something regarding friendship. I am not always the most socially graceful person. I sometimes talk too much and get so excited about a conversation that I sometimes interrupt and trample over someone else's stories. But I am genuinely concerned about the people in my life. I try to be observant and sensitive to the needs of others. I may not always be successful, but once my friend, always my friend unless you betray or hurt me intentionally. I will watch out for you, offer unsolicited advice and love in equal parts. Hug you when you need it and send you hugs by ESP when the day is too rough to let down your guard for a hug. I will email and call, and remember if you don't have Facebook and send you updates and pictures.

A few years ago I was lucky enough to make two very special friends. One, Kaitlin, decided to be my friend whether I wanted her or not. She invited me to her church for a back to school banquet that I was actually already attending with my neighbor Karla and we became friends. She is outgoing and opinionated and awesome. She dragged me into friendship after friendship, some lasting and some not, but Kaitlin made sure I got out and was brave enough to give people a chance. I tend to start off very quiet and reserved. At work, I often keep to myself and she got me out of my shell and made me learn to be more social, a skill I never had occasion to practice much growing up. It isn't something I will often admit, but making friends and being friends with people is something I really have to force myself to do. I am hate rejection and would rather be alone than be hurt most of the time, so I needed someone to force me (and she did the way only an AGGIE can) to learn to be braver.

My other friend Lisa is also someone very unique. She created a clique of sorts amongst some of the teachers at school, but it was a clique that was not exclusive. We invited pretty much anyone to join us for lunch or a jog around the school or to "book club". While some people were naturally drawn to each other or put off by some qualities, Lisa made it a point to just invite everyone who needed friends. While I still have all those friendships in some capacity, that was a special year. There were six of us who were just always there for each other. We started a running club and by the end of the year, we had all run at least a 5k-6k, some were up to 10k and a few of us were up to a half-marathon. Lisa had a way of accepting all of someone, even the parts that sometimes grated on a nerve. We had days we got frustrated with each other, but we always looked past it and found the common ground. It was the best group of friends I have ever had.

I think with my dear husband gone, other relationships obviously take center stage. This year I have felt like some of those bonds with people are changing. The ones of us still here physically still hang out, but we rarely all get together. People have created their own little circles. I guess I am feeling more vulnerable and lonely and am left here wondering how to keep the people I care about close. Wondering if there is some truths that we don't say, do we find it easier to eliminate people or drift away than to say things that might hurt? Are those little hurts now, worth losing a friend forever? How do you ask someone what is going on with our friendship without sounding creepy, stalkerish or paranoid? Even now instead of talking to people, I am blogging online. Why can't we say what we need to say, tactfully, to the people who matter the most? Shouldn't our friendships be the one place we can be honest, say what needs saying and hear what needs hearing? I am sure I step on toes, hurt people's feelings, am oblivious to running over someone emotionally from time to time, but no one says anything and I can't apologize and the relationship grows crevices that develop into abysses over time. If someone hurts us that we don't know, we have no problem honking the horn, yelling, being rude, being assertive, sharing a special finger, etc. but the minute we know the person, we clam up and let the relationship break and split rather than say something.

Why is it when we pick friendship over the truth, we end up with neither?