Day 78: Billy Goat Gruff

Do you remember the story of The Three Billy Goats Gruff? Last night my daughter reminded me of the troll under the bridge. I've been gradually introducing her to adult table food. I still primarily feed her the healthy baby and toddler foods, but have given her a few tastes of more fun fare.

Last night, I gave her a few bites of pizza. I cut them up into tiny fist size pieces and sat down in the living room. I had my plate and hers on my coffee table. The top of our coffee table lifts up to table height which is nice for movie nights and to keep things out of the grasp of Lil Bit.

I sat on the couch and she stood next to me, half playing and half eating. Eventually she crawled underneath the table and sat rocking back and forth, venturing out a tiny fist to grab another bite every so often. She sat under the table happily chomping on pizza, signing please and more when she was ready for the next piece and singing random baby songs.

It was so funny and cute. She was like an adorable little troll snatching food and giving me her little two-toothed, nose crinkled grin. She just gets cuter and cuter each day. Two days in to this summer vacation and I can already tell that I am not going to want to go back to work next fall.

Later, we Skyped with Grandma and Grandpa. She blew kisses and showed off her new sign "balloon" which she does her own way, but is very cute. She says, "ba ba ba" and blows into her hands and then acts like she's throwing kisses. It isn't quite right, but pretty good for just learning it in the past 24 hours or so. We even got her walking and dancing.

She is just changing so fast and learning so quickly. Every day I can see her learn something new. Even after struggling with insomnia last night, I got up this morning when she started playing in her crib rather than waiting for her to start fussing. I raced into her room just so I could see what new amazing thing we would do together today.

I found out that she is just as bad as the dog when it comes to impatience. She has learned when I start putting on my sneakers that we're going for a walk. Between the dog's whining and the baby's crying, I am going to have to sneak walk preparations from now on and spring from the bedroom ready to go. We go for a run for 30 minutes and a walk for 30 and she still cries when we come inside. I have a feeling she is going to be a daddy's girl who loves the outdoors. She still gets really hot really fast, so if we're not inside by ten, it is too hot for us.

Yesterday, I was reading her a story I Love You Through and Through and one page reads, "I love your ears . . . and your nose." She grabbed her ears while I read that page without being prompted and did it again while we were skyping with my in-laws. She is just such a sponge and I am having SO MUCH fun with her. I almost don't even want to take time out do anything else.

Speaking of which, she just woke up from her nap. Time to go!

We played all day. And I caught her on tape, giggling at me playing with the dog. She was laughing so hard that she had tears in her eyes. I can't wait to show that to her dad. I hope the rest of the summer goes this way, but I will do my best to contain my gushing in the blog about what an adorable baby Lil Bit is to a minimum, but she is freakin' awesome. Went down tonight with her favorite CD and a quick goodnight, no muss, no fuss. I swear there are days, she's magical.

Day 103: Rain

Sorry Blogger was down for so long. I don't know what happened. One of my blogs got eaten. I will try to rewrite it. I don't remember what I said, exactly, but I will try to recreate most of it.

I am a high school teacher, but yesterday I felt more like a babysitter or zoo keeper. Our society has changed rules for acceptable behavior. Respect for authority is out the window. Teenagers are not just poorly behaved, they truly don't understand how to talk to anyone. Rules of conversation have flown the coop. I don't know if it is my classes this year or my age or having to leave my baby daughter everyday or being so exhausted. I just am reaching an end to my tolerance for awful behavior. 

I started teaching to help kids grow and change. I see things and connections and wanted to help kids be able to use what I see to be stronger students, better readers, eloquent writers, better people. I love the moment the lightbulb goes off, the flash of understanding that crosses a young face. I started teaching for those moments, but have found few of those moments this year. 

Maybe I watch too many movies. I wanted to be the teacher in Stand and Deliver, Dangerous Minds, Mr. Holland's Opus, Freedom Writers. Instead I feel like I'm waiting for June. I used to love coming into school, everyday was an adventure. It hurts my heart. I miss the teaching. I know what I'm missing when I see my daughter learning and putting ideas together. I literally laugh out loud when she gets something I am trying to teach her. 

Last night, we finally got some desperately needed rain. Lil Bit heard the pinging of the rain in the chimney against the flue. She looked around quizzically trying to figure out what that noise was and from where it was coming. It occurred to me that she hadn't seen rain in so long, the word probably didn't have any meaning for her. I picked her up and took her outside to see it rain. 

Silvery drops trickled down off the porch awning onto the ground. The air rumbled and flashes of light glittered in the distance. I took her hand and stretched it out into the cool rivulets pouring onto the patio. Tiny ice droplets raced down her hand. Her eyes widened and she almost panicked. It was so cold.

Then I smiled and laughed and she touched it again. I could see the wheels in her head turning, water . . . rain is water. 

Then she stretched out her chubby little fingers into the rain, giggling, and ended up just quietly soaking in the rain and getting soaking in the rain. It poured down her arm and splashed on her face. Her face lit up with simple joy, contentment. It was so sweet to see her learn and understand something and just relish something so simple as the rain.

It was a sweet, pure moment with my daughter. I wish someone could have taken a picture. I almost cried because her dad missed it. Missing her first birthday was hard, but these sweet little moments I think are harder. The first time she understands a new word or idea and her eyes open and a look of pride swells her little chest when I laugh and clap for her, just blows me away. I wish I got that feeling from my students more often.

Day 120: Tiny changes

Watching my daughter over the past week or so, I realized that she changes so gradually and so subtly that I don't always have the words to describe what I see in her face or behavior. I try to call the grandmas to keep them informed about how she is growing, but words can't seem to capture a glimmer of understanding in her eye that wasn't there just last week or the spark of mischief that sprang up only yesterday. Words and things and ideas are starting to make sense for her. She is learning to assert her independence and will sometimes at inconvenient times and I am not looking forward to the day she realizes that I can't actually make her do anything.

Just this week, she started doing something breathtakingly new, playing with me. We've been rolling a ball back and forth together for sometime and she has always enjoyed me being near, but just since Sunday afternoon has she been actually playing with me. I have been sitting on the floor with her to play, handing her a rattle or reaching a toy that has rolled just out of reach of chubby baby fingers. Then, all of a sudden, she has seen me as someone to play with. She sees me get down on the floor and races over to me, hugging me and jumping on me. She rolls over and over me, jumping and pulling until I return the roughhouse play and tickle her until she squeals, face flushed with laughter.

Like the perfect crack of lightening blazing across the sky, the flash of change is gone so quickly and is so intangibly hard to describe. I try to keep the camcorder and camera handy, but it just isn’t the same as being here. I see her every day and sometimes the changes are so subtle that I don’t notice them until she makes a big leap.

I can’t imagine the changes her dad saw when he came home. He left a tiny baby who slept a lot and didn’t do much and came home to a crawling, babbling near toddler. By the time he comes home again, she will be walking. She is just about ready to do it. I’ve seen her balance improve and her use my security less and less, but she just hasn’t been willing to take her first independent steps yet.

Yesterday she stood by herself for a second again, but dove for me once she realized she wasn’t holding on. Lil Bit is still little for her age but is getting bigger. She has realized that an obstacle in her path can be overcome. While she hasn't yet mastered overcoming them all, it is hilarious to watch her analyzing the ottoman and attempting to climb over it. Although I am laughing, I can see that soon I won't be able to keep her contained and a whole new level of baby proofing will have to occur.

 
Last night, we just had the best time. After the horrible news yesterday, I made a point to love on her a little more. And man, did we play. She has a little two-sided kitchen that has an oven door that opens into the fridge. She was sitting on the fridge side while I was on the other side. I reached through the open oven door and grabbed and tickled her. She jumped and her eyes turned to small saucers, but then giggles just bubbled out of her like a cough she couldn't control and we were both laughing. I know there are times I feel left out when my friends can go out and socialize, but I spent a lot of time last night thinking that I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.


Even writing about her now makes it hard to finish the day. I can't wait to get to her and see what tonight brings. I love watching her learn new things. If I hand her a brush, she brushes her hair or at least rubs it against her head (although to be fair she also did that with her chocolate bunny Sunday). She tells me when she is full by signing finished. She dips her little spoon into her food and tries to feed herself. She is growing up so fast and I don't want to miss any of these so precious tiny changes.

Day 255: Pillows

Today my Lil Bit and I were both sick. We both just needed a pajama day. I have been run down for about a month and a half now. I start to feel better and get sucked back down into sickness again. Today the headache from H - E - double hockey sticks reigned. I took Aleve, Tylenol, Excedrin - nothing helped.

We both napped and snuggled a lot. I had the love seat filled with pillows and blankets. She sat next to me playing with her binky and grinning. Every so often she would throw herself backwards, landing on the soft bed of cushions and pillows or into my arms.

As I caught her once, gradually lowering her to safety, I thought how much I wish she could be sheltered like this always. Now that she has started to crawl, while her world has opened up exponentially to her exploration, she is also opening herself up to all sorts of hurts, injuries, dangers.

I know I need to allow her to explore and "get hurt" in minor ways so that she learns limits, the word "No", how to do things, but I don't know how I am supposed to sit by watching her investigate and not always jump to stop her before she falls. I see so many sharp spots, hard places that can hurt her. How am I supposed to know how much to let go and how much to hold on?

I've been letting her crawl around on the floor, with as often as I vacuum is hazardous enough, explore a little, which drug out the dreaded no. I can already see that she understands no when she feels like it and just ignores me when she doesn't. Her world got wider and so did her eyes. Lil Bit is into everything she can reach. The cute wicker basket I've been using as a toy basket is now a hazard full of pieces easy to pick off and choke on.

I have this sinking feeling that my living room and all its soon to be removed cords, etc. is only the first of many chances I will get to wonder how much to let her explore without me. Don't we all wish for a world full of pillows for our children? My mother and mother-in-law still look at us wishing they could surround us with giant airbags. They watch us leave home, and I would imagine, spend a lot of time wishing we somehow could avoid the pitfalls and briar patches (bad guys and ieds too).

There are so many amazing aspects of being a mom that I only thought I could understand until she came into my life. This concern and worry was something I didn't anticipate. If love was enough to protect her, she'd have a long, safe, wonderful life. I may need pillows around my heart since apparently it is already moving, moved outside of my body.