License to hunt

Man, have I been remiss in keeping up with this blog. I just haven’t gotten into a new routine yet. I refuse to let this blog come between my husband and I so I have not been updating it during our alone time. However, I can’t really update it when my daughter is awake because she wants to push all the buttons on the keyboard. I used to do it after she went to bed, but that is our only alone time now so I’ve been prioritizing him over the blog.

It has just been a busy few weeks. I am juggling so many balls with returning to work, getting the baby readjusted to daycare, and trying to get reacquainted with my husband that I decided if something had to be dropped, it was going to be this blog.

I’m sorry if you’ve been waiting impatiently to hear about reintegration. It has definitely been different. Having the baby has made it so much harder to feel like we’re getting on the same page and developing emotional intimacy again. So much of our time is focused on her because she demands so much attention, that we really don’t have much energy or time to devote to each other.

It feels like one of us watches her while the other one takes care of an errand or laundry or just does something that needs to be baby free. Then we switch.  It seems like very rarely are we both available to do anything. And my husband doesn’t multi-task well. If he’s focused on the baby, he can’t really do anything else. I can kind of listen to him tell a story or talk and take care of her, but I have to pause him quite a bit to tell her something or stop her from doing something, etc.

He got home on a Thursday. The whole family was here until the very next Sunday. I went back to work Monday, and the baby went back to daycare. He has been working on and off since he’s been home, but his time off has been filled with hunting, fishing, scouting places to go hunting, running errands for his hunting, and spending time with his sons and friends hunting. Are you sensing a trend here?

I’ve tried to be completely understanding because he spent an entire year away from his whole life, all the things that make him him, but it is taking a toll on us. He spends a lot of time preparing to go hunting or taking care of what he’s killed on top of the times he actually goes hunting or takes the new puppy to practice hunting.  I don’t begrudge him the time, but it has made it hard for us to have time together.

When he goes hunting it is usually very early in the morning, which is when I’m sleeping so that doesn’t present a big problem except for the fact that he is then tired and asleep before the baby or right as I put her down, cutting short adult time.

We just haven’t had enough time to get past the day to day conversations and really focus on having some serious conversations about us, about how we’re feeling and processing this reintegration. I feel like a failure that he's been home for a month and we're still barely more than scratching the surface of truly being together again. I know it will just take some time, but when every minute of our time is already ticking down to his next departure, I really want to get back to us.

I know it is only Sept. 12 and hunting seasons have just begun. I just hope that he starts feeling like he's done enough, been outdoors enough, so that he feels like himself again soon. We can't get back to us until he feels like himself again, so until he feels like he's OK, I guess he has a license to hunt. 

Day 18: 15 & 7

Today my daughter is 15 months old. She is growing up so fast. I can't believe how quickly she changes. A year ago, when my husband left for Iraq, she laid on the floor and laughed, but that was about it. I think she was rolling over, but barely.

Now, she is walking and attempting to run. She is starting to talk, although baby versions of "Dada," "moo," and "yes" are her only vocabulary so far. She can communicate much more than those two vocal words She signs dog, eat, milk, gorilla, more, finished, again, bird, flower, balloon, swim, change me/potty, and so much more with facial expressions and body language. She loves books and wants me to read to her all the time. She dances and has a sense of humor.

Lil Bit is quickly becoming, not quite so lil. She is getting teeth daily it seems. In a week, she'll be back in school, learning all sorts of new things without me. It is sweet and sad all at the same time. I'm still wishing I could just freeze her the way she is. She is just so adorable. I love that she loves to snuggle with me and lets me hug and kiss all over her chubby little cheeks.

I've had a rough time this week with all the moments her father is missing. Out of her 15 months, he has missed 1 for training and 11 and a half for a deployment. He visited with her for three weeks when she was ten months old, but even I barely recognize that little girl when I watch her on the video tapes. It breaks my heart to know how much he missed. Time marched on without him.

Another way time is moving quickly, 7 years ago today I met the man who became my husband. The night we met, I thought he was cute, a little crazy, and very nice, but never going to call me. Then he called, and I wondered where this was going to go with his being in the military and stationed five hours away.

He kept calling, and I realized he was kind of awesome. I didn't want to like him. But I fell in love with him anyways. Before I knew it, 18 mos. had passed, and he was asking me to marry him. Two states and seven years later, here we are getting ready to celebrate our fifth wedding anniversary. And end our third deployment (his 4th).

All I can say is time flies when you're having fun. And drags like hell while you're waiting to have fun!! I'm counting the hours, checking email neurotically, and frantically checking the army website over and over. I am hoping to get an army message pretty soon giving me the deets on his return. Every minute feels like an hour and an hour feels like a day, which is making this week so freakin' long!

I'm going to try to focus on the positive here. Seven years, we've been together and he still makes my breath catch and heart race. He still cares if I'm happy with what he made for dinner. I still try to fold his socks neatly and match them by the amount of wear and tear. And he'll be home very soon, but I wish sooner. Still quite an accomplishment, 7 years is a great start to the rest of our lives. Here's hoping to 50 more.

Day 20: Returning to a year old baby

I think I've dealt with this issue pretty well by keeping her father very present in Lil Bit's life, but my husband has to be concerned in some way that the child he left won't be the child to whom he returns. Even the little girl from R&R is so different than she was 5 months ago.

Like most parents returning after such an extended absence, Chad worries about how his children will deal with his return, how they've coped with his absence. The older boys are more practiced and emotionally better equipped to deal with the absence and return, but still struggle with missing their father for a year of their lives, every other year.

Anytime Allyson hears voice coming from the computer, she rushes over, blows kisses, waving and saying "hi dada." For all the life she can remember, Daddy has been a voice from a book, a picture on the wall, a face on a screen. Very little of her life and I'm not sure if any of her memory, has he been flesh and blood.

She is a very friendly child in general, so I'm not too worried that she is going to react poorly when he gets off the plane. I'm hopeful that she will walk straight into his arms. But it is more than whether she'll cry or remember him easily, he is also now coming home to be her parent.

Spending two weeks with her for R&R, he did take care of her, but being here full time is a different dynamic. He has to learn her moods, the tricks to get her diaper changed, all her signs and almost signs. She signs "bird" backwards, it looks like she's pinching her mouth and "flower" is just all kinds of wrong. He'll have to learn that before bed, we do "praying hands," say our prayers with her praying bunny. Tonight she even reminded me before pjs that it was time to pray. Funny because she doesn't sign prayers any other time we go into her room, but somehow she knew that we pray at bedtime. Funny how fast she picked that up. He'll have to learn all her expressions and noises.

And I'll have to be able to step back to let him get to know his daughter. I'm going to have some rough times the first few weeks. I am going back to work almost immediately and will be leaving her in daycare all day. My heart will be broken enough missing her all day and sharing her will be hard. Heck, sharing him will be hard.

Plus, we've done pretty good with our little routines. Lil Bit and I have found a rhythm that works for us. Adding Daddy back into the picture is going to change some things. Some things will be different, some things better. Honestly, I think it's normal to feel like I'm going to miss having her all to myself even just a little bit. But I won't miss having to do it all by myself every night. I might even be able to ask for a night off here and there to just sit and play with her.

It will be different, that is for sure. Chad and I have never both worked and had children. We're going to have to try to find a new rhythm as a family. It will have some great moments, like when he goes in to get her up in the morning, and she is so silly. I can't wait to see him react to her.

We'll have some tough moments, sharing chores, cooking, etc. Balancing each of our needs. In some ways, I am chomping at the bit to have a couple of hours of free time here and there, getting a haircut, a pedicure, run to the store, etc. I'm sure he is excited to get home to us, but he has a lot of hobbies that take him out of the house. He's going to want to leave us a few times too.

I really am not sure how my husband feels about coming home and facing a child he barely knows, but he's done it so many times over. I wonder if it gets easier or if it is just different as he returns home, older, wiser, more mature. I just can't imagine spending a day away from her. I've been busy in the last few days preparing the house for his return, even if it doesn't look it right this second, that I've left her playing with her brothers and I feel like I'm losing these last few precious days.

I'm sure he can't wait to make up for lost time and is a little apprehensive about getting to know this tiny person who blows him kisses and plays peekaboo via video chat. 

Day 72: Put away childish things

I spent so many years waiting for a baby but had no idea how fast she'd grow up. I have enjoyed every stage, but they are going way too fast. I'm trying to treasure each milestone as much as possible, but life just doesn't always give me time to savor the moments.

It was time today to put away Lil Bit's bottles. I stopped giving her bottles around a month ago, but just hadn't committed yet to never giving her a bottle again. We started working on sippy cups when she was around 7 months old, but it took her awhile before she understood how to drink from it and a few more months before she was proficient enough to move to primarily using them instead of bottles.

I think it took me another month to be ready to let her make that move. I don't know how much of my reluctance was that the change sneaked up on me and as much as possible, I like to make changes for her gradually. I started giving her a sippy cup that was closest to a bottle and gave her a goodnight bottle for a couple of days, then no more bottle.

Now she's gone about a month without any bottles at all. My mom was surprised that I wasn't giving her a bottle at bedtime anymore, and I've noticed that she does drink a bit less milk than she did on a bottle, but not by much. I remember when my sister took her twins off the bottle completely they were old enough to miss it. I figured if I just took it away, she wouldn't know enough to complain. In fact, I am going to try to take away the pacifier once we get home from vacation.

It isn't a big deal to me right now, but I don't want it to become an issue for her. My niece and nephew were old enough to give their pacis to the Paci-fairy and get a prize like the tooth fairy. It was cute and they chose when they were ready, but I would rather skip the drama if possible. The plan is to take it away for naps first, then once she's adjusted to that, take it away at bed time. But we'll see. She will have her own plan.

I had planned to try to potty train her this summer, but she just isn't ready. She will go on the potty occasionally and will tell me sometimes when she needs changed, but she just doesn't seem very interested in the potty yet. She has a dvd and a book to introduce the concept, which is where I think we'll leave it for now. She watches the movie and sits on her potty once in awhile. One day it will click and her body will be ready.

I think she is growing up too fast already, so if she stays a baby in a few ways a little longer, that is OK with me. She will be a big girl soon enough. We've already put away five sizes of clothes, her bassinet, swing, most baby food, and her bottles. Her infant seat is next to go away. We've put away plenty of her baby things already. I think I'm not going to rush the rest. 

Day 78: Billy Goat Gruff

Do you remember the story of The Three Billy Goats Gruff? Last night my daughter reminded me of the troll under the bridge. I've been gradually introducing her to adult table food. I still primarily feed her the healthy baby and toddler foods, but have given her a few tastes of more fun fare.

Last night, I gave her a few bites of pizza. I cut them up into tiny fist size pieces and sat down in the living room. I had my plate and hers on my coffee table. The top of our coffee table lifts up to table height which is nice for movie nights and to keep things out of the grasp of Lil Bit.

I sat on the couch and she stood next to me, half playing and half eating. Eventually she crawled underneath the table and sat rocking back and forth, venturing out a tiny fist to grab another bite every so often. She sat under the table happily chomping on pizza, signing please and more when she was ready for the next piece and singing random baby songs.

It was so funny and cute. She was like an adorable little troll snatching food and giving me her little two-toothed, nose crinkled grin. She just gets cuter and cuter each day. Two days in to this summer vacation and I can already tell that I am not going to want to go back to work next fall.

Later, we Skyped with Grandma and Grandpa. She blew kisses and showed off her new sign "balloon" which she does her own way, but is very cute. She says, "ba ba ba" and blows into her hands and then acts like she's throwing kisses. It isn't quite right, but pretty good for just learning it in the past 24 hours or so. We even got her walking and dancing.

She is just changing so fast and learning so quickly. Every day I can see her learn something new. Even after struggling with insomnia last night, I got up this morning when she started playing in her crib rather than waiting for her to start fussing. I raced into her room just so I could see what new amazing thing we would do together today.

I found out that she is just as bad as the dog when it comes to impatience. She has learned when I start putting on my sneakers that we're going for a walk. Between the dog's whining and the baby's crying, I am going to have to sneak walk preparations from now on and spring from the bedroom ready to go. We go for a run for 30 minutes and a walk for 30 and she still cries when we come inside. I have a feeling she is going to be a daddy's girl who loves the outdoors. She still gets really hot really fast, so if we're not inside by ten, it is too hot for us.

Yesterday, I was reading her a story I Love You Through and Through and one page reads, "I love your ears . . . and your nose." She grabbed her ears while I read that page without being prompted and did it again while we were skyping with my in-laws. She is just such a sponge and I am having SO MUCH fun with her. I almost don't even want to take time out do anything else.

Speaking of which, she just woke up from her nap. Time to go!

We played all day. And I caught her on tape, giggling at me playing with the dog. She was laughing so hard that she had tears in her eyes. I can't wait to show that to her dad. I hope the rest of the summer goes this way, but I will do my best to contain my gushing in the blog about what an adorable baby Lil Bit is to a minimum, but she is freakin' awesome. Went down tonight with her favorite CD and a quick goodnight, no muss, no fuss. I swear there are days, she's magical.

Day 80: Signing baby

I think I've written about this a few times, but have never really addressed it as the subject of my blog. I have taught my daughter to sign. It never occurred to me that people think it is strange, but this last week, several people have given me crazy looks or been like that's awesome!

It is pretty great. I am able to talk to her in a way that I wouldn't have for another year or so. She's been able to tell me what she needs or wants for months, and her vocabulary is starting to grow rapidly as her fine motor skills improve. She was trying to imitate several signs today.

My aunt is an interpreter for the deaf and I learned the sign alphabet when I was 9?ish. My mother-in-law is a speech pathologist/therapist so she signs. I had a deaf friend in college, so I learned more sign. I don't know where exactly I picked up the idea to teach children sign, but I read it somewhere. I bought my sister a baby sign book when the twins were born and taught them a couple of signs.

When we adopted Lil Bit, I planned to teach her signs. I started around 6 months, but she didn't start signing back until around 8 months. The first sign I really worked with her on was "more." I planned to teach her words that would allow her to tell me what she wanted. Babies cry because they want things and can't tell us what they want, so the first signs I tried to teach her were more and finished.

She is now almost 13 months old and has a vocabulary around 5-10 words. She can say please, more, finished, eat, dog, phone, cracker, again, owie, and we're working on cereal, change, thank you, mommy, daddy, and no. Her favorite sign is for cracker. She uses cracker for most food, but I'm not picky. I'm trying to teach her the proper words for cookies and cereal instead of just cracker, but they are much harder for her little fingers. The trick is to do the sign consistently and one day, she'll use it back when she can and is ready. Based on her baby babble, the signs are going to be useful for quite awhile.

My baby can tell me she is hungry or is full. She is even able to use some manners although she alternates between please and tantrums as both are equally effective. She can communicate her wants and needs to an extent that most children her age can't, which means she cries less, gets frustrated less. And that makes me a happier mommy.

You might be wondering, how do you teach your infant sign language. Well, find a good baby sign book and learn the words I've mentioned here. More is the easiest first sign because it is a cause and effect. I say the word more, while doing the sign, and give her more. I did this a few days every time she ate. Then I would take her hands and do the sign and then give her more. The goal was to teach her what the word more meant and that by signing more she could get more.

It isn't magic. It took months of doing this at every meal before she used it on her own. But once she understood that what she was doing was getting her something, she was hooked. Like I said before, she loves to say cracker, but what she is really saying is that she's hungry. When she signs cracker, I feed her. Let me add that Lil Bit has always been fed on demand, never on a schedule, so she self regulates her appetite. She doesn't ask for food unless she is hungry. She still doesn't have the dexterity to say drink, but we're working on it. I am a little slow and she has to stand in front of me and whine for five minutes before I can figure out if she's hungry, tired, wet, poopy or finally, thirsty.

Of course, I'm trying to juggle everything with also dumping bottles and starting to introduce the potty. She is doing pretty good with no more bottles. We don't even do one at night anymore. But she is not drinking as much out of the sippy cups, so we're transitioning and she needs to learn the words drink or milk so I know what she wants.

I would highly recommend signing to every new or expecting mom. If you even do just a few words, the benefits far outweigh efforts. I can't tell you the joy that lights up her face when she knows I understand her. Here is a site that seems to be pretty good to get you started - Signing Savvy. Good luck. 

Day 153: Already gone and a year ago

This morning, despite my husband's leaving again, was much like any other morning, getting ready for work/school, but today was much harder. My stomach was in knots and my chest felt heavy. We tried to play it off like it was just any other day, but every exchange was just a bit more charged, heavier than usual. But I am not ready to write about it. I am holding it together by a thread. So wait until tomorrow for the good-bye saga.

Tonight I want to write about one of the most special days of my life. A year ago today, was kind of a miracle. I was giving a test, much like today, and my phone rang at the end of first period. I had started keeping it on loud and nearby once we had finished our paperwork and been approved by the agency, but I wasn't really expecting a call. In fact, in the three weeks since we'd been approved, people asked me so much that I had to kind of have a mental pep talk. 

So March 24, 2010 I told myself to stop worrying about the phone ringing, God's hands had been weaving my life, my story, my marriage from the start and when the baby He planned to be mine was ready, the phone would ring. Until that call, I was going to enjoy every minute of my "free" time and focus on being closer with my husband and such. I immediately felt better and ready to be patient. That was around 7:30. 

At 9:30, I answered the phone. It was the agency calling, but it might have been to tell us to send them another check or more paper work or something. "Jennifer, I'm calling to tell you that we have a match for you." 

I don't know that I even processed what she was saying. I couldn't believe it could be true. I tried to stay calm and ask questions about the birth mother as I stepped into the hallway for a bit of privacy. I must have been shaking, despite trying to play it cool. My friend Ally walked up and saw that I was shaken. 

"Are you ok?" I nodded kind of frantically. She stood by with her hand on my shoulder. I don't remember what I said, but she picked up on the topic and her eyes lit up. "B-A-B-Y?" she mouthed. I nodded and it hit me. We were getting a baby. Gosh, I am crying thinking about it now. I finished the details of working out the final agreement with the agency and birthmother and hung up. 

"You're getting a baby?" Ally asked. "We're getting a baby!" I started jumping up and down. A few minutes later, I called Chad. When I told him that we'd been picked by a birth mother, he said, "But we just finished the paperwork?!"

The best reaction I think was my mother-in-law. She had just been at our house for spring break and I had half-kiddingly said how great it would be to get the phone call while she was there that we had a born baby situation (when a mother decides to give up a child at or just after birth so you get to pick the baby up immediately). After I talked with Chad and gave him the information from the agency, I called her.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Grandma."

"Hi?"

"No - hi, GRANDMA!" 

"No way, you're kidding, are you serious?" and then a scream, shriek, and happy tears.
"Yep, we're getting a baby. It's a girl and she's due in June!"

It was a manic kind of elation with all the paperwork, medical files, etc. we had to review and decide if we wanted to be matched with the birthmother. But I was walking on air the entire day. I don't know that I came down from the high for days. It was a whirlwind of paperwork, shopping, preparing. 

So while today was a sad day this year, I couldn't help but remember the celebration of a year ago. A friend at school shrieked loud enough to rival Grandma. The day I finally really put it in God's hands and let go was the day He started the process to bring my precious Lil Bit home. I may not have been Sarah and in my 90's, but I had pretty much given up hope of ever being a mother and in one phone call, that door opened up again. So I shed a few tears today, despite a rough day and evening, in joy for the wonderful gift my daughter is and the mother I get to be for her everyday. 

Day 219: Spit Happens

About 9 o'clock, I went to change Lil Bit into her pajamas and her diaper that she'd been wearing for hours and hours, was nearly dry. I knew she hadn't been very hungry and had pushed away her bottle a few times, but a dry diaper was worrisome.

My mom lives in Eastern time zone so I didn't want to call her or my sister, the nurse. I called my mother-in-law instead. She did suggest juice, which I have never given her. Fruit juice is mostly junk disguised as healthy. If I want her to have the benefits of the fruit, I will feed her the fruit, but in desperation, I fill a sippy cup with a few ounces of V-8 Splash and watered it down. She drank about an ounce of that and then was willing to try her bottle again.

I thought, YAY, but not so much. A few minutes into the bottle, she coughed, and the cough quickly turned into a full on regurgitation. She was covered in it, her high chair was covered in it and some of the carpet. I carried her, dripping, into the bathroom and sat her fully dressed in her little tub, no water. I soaked up the worst of it so it wouldn't spread and went back into the bathroom, stripped her down and gave her a second bath for the day.

Of course, she wasn't ready for bed then, feeling yucky. So again, all best intentions aside, I went to bed very late. I know life isn't controllable and a baby being sick is inevitable, but motherhood is definitely some tricky stuff. As soon as I feel like I have a stage licked or have everything under control, something changes. These past two weeks have just been a nightmare about 70% of the time with her at home. And most of the 30% has been when she is sleeping~  ugh.

The house is a disaster, I have more random piles of crap laying around than I ever allow myself and toys have taken over the living room. Christmas is still in full swing. Although I may take down the wreath on the front door, so the neighbors don't know it is still Dec. 24 in my house. I barely have enough energy to survive each day, much less find any to exercise or get to one of the many procrastinated tasks around the house.

I plan to put her to bed early tomorrow, so that I have time to take care of a few things, but as we saw tonight, SPIT HAPPENS and in motherhood, the only guarantee is that you never know what is coming next.

Day 225: Peek-a-boo

As you've been reading, this past week was not the best for my little Punkin Doodle. She screamed every time I put her down or walked into another room. Last night, I was so tired I thought I was going to cry. I went into the kitchen to put her unfinished bottle into the fridge and she started the sobbing, trying to pull up on the ottoman I use to block the pass, so to speak. I quickly ran back into the room and yelled, "Peek-a-boo!" It took her a minute to change gears, but she did smile. So I deliberately moved out of her eyesight and said peek-a-boo repeatedly from behind the ottoman, the doorway and eventually through the pass through window into the kitchen. After a few times, I was able to finally walk into the kitchen and wash a dish, let the dog in, etc. without a complete meltdown.

After the past eight months of being a parent, I have realized again and again that God is trying to teach me to be more positive. Every time I get negative out of fear, exhaustion, desperation, frustration and I let that negativity make me cry or scream or just get angry, the baby responds by getting angrier, louder, more fearful. But when I can take a step back, find a way to spin the energy and be ridiculously positive, she responds by calming down, smiling, laughing or just taking a deep breath. She is a very obvious reflection of myself.

She can't handle my anger or impatience. Whatever her pain or fears are, when she senses any anger or instability from me, she becomes more frightened and unsettled. As long as I am in control and smiling, her ability to adapt and overcome is infinitely better. No matter how I justify my meltdowns, and I know having emotions is necessary, they are not healthy for her.

As a sane, reasonable adult, I understand that a screaming baby can make anyone cry or get angry. I understand that I need to be able to feel frustrated, angry, tired, and even overwhelmed. Yet, when I allow those emotions to overcome my judgment, it doesn't help the baby. I have to show her my calmest self, demonstrate that nothing is too much not to laugh about.

Funny how when I try to fake happiness with her, it quickly turns both of our moods around. When I finally slept enough to be able to give her my best, I was able to laugh at her antics and turn her moods upside down. A simple game of peek-a-boo helped her see my temporary absence as a game. Time and time again, God is showing me how attitude really is a choice, no matter the circumstances and that the one thing I can give a child in my home is a peaceful, positive attitude and a love for Him.

Funny how running mascara and peek-a-boo, can remind me to be a better person and to really call someone for help when I can't be.

Day 268: Baby plane?

So now we've traveled both ways, four plane trips. I got home last night so exhausted that I didn't want to do anything, but had my normal weekend stuff to do, plus get things put away, unpacked, etc. I am still exhausted. I am ready to crawl into bed now. Unfortunately, she is about to wake up from her nap.

Traveling with an infant, wow, so much to say. First, we traveled from one climate to another. I had a coat for me and a snowsuit for her. You can't fit a winter coat into a carry-on and carry anything else on, so I was dragging her coat and mine from state to state. In retrospect, we were outside for about ten minutes total, from the baggage claim to the car which was in the covered garage, and from the car to the house. I don't think she went out again and I didn't much either. We could have done without the coats. You just don't know how cold the Midwest is going to be this time of year. I remember years with four foot snow drifts and years of shorts and roller skates on Christmas. But in any case, two bulky coats made travel so much more fun.

Then I had my purse, a "fridge to go" ice pack bag for her formula, her stroller, and my backpack which carried diaper bag supplies, toys, laptop and electronics and my book that I didn't really get to read while traveling.  The stroller was a travel folding "umbrella" type. In order to get around expediently, I hung the jackets on the handles and bags over them. The weight of the bottle bag, purse and coats was such that every time I took Lil Bit out of the stroller, the whole production toppled over. In our home airport, one young man, took pity and helped me right it. Not so in the airport back home on our return trip. I was wrestling with changing her on a tiny leather seat, because the one family restroom for ten gates was full, the ladies' room had no changing area and the terminal seats were my only option. The seat was too short for her and slanted backwards, so every few seconds I had to rescue her from sliding out the back. People all around me saw me struggling and left the tipped over stroller where it lay and gave me looks clearly pleading to not be sitting near me and my baby.

Then the aisles in the plane are ridiculously tiny. I probably smashed a hundred people in the head with either my purse or coats. I tried to be as unobtrusive and self-sufficient as possible. I tried to be considerate and really be expedient through security. I did a pretty good job, but people sometimes are so judgmental. The good news is that I didn't have to get a full pat down or a full body screen. I don't think the airports I went through had the technology yet. Security was definitely heightened. They patted down the baby's shoes and did a chemical test on her formula. I know the terrorists are by definition crazy and horrible, but even if there were explosive in the baby's shoes, how much explosive could they have even carried? Really? But if it keeps my baby safe, I can be more tolerant.

The baby did really good in the plane for a baby, but she fussed a few times because she was tired or hungry. She really only cried for a couple of minutes, but the guy who reeked of liquor glared over his shoulder at her and me. I understand being frustrated at a baby screaming. It is just about one of the least pleasant sounds in the world; however, when a baby has a melt down, there isn't much you can do. They don't understand many words yet and can't communicate except by smiles or cries.

Lil Bit did as good as she could have. I just think that as inconvenient as flying with babies can be, the airlines could help. They could have the computers automatically place parents with lap infants near the front of the plane. They could have a storage space for three or four small umbrella strollers on board, a space that would easily be used by crew or by passengers if not needed for strollers when the overhead compartments are overflowing. Having her stroller on the plane would have made my life SO much easier. I also plan to have one bottle, two diapers and pocket wipes in my purse and a toy or two attached to the straps; everything else can be put away. I had too much stuff I was trying to carry and couldn't get to any of it during the flights.

Until they create a baby plane or parenting flight, I imagine this will be like anything else so far in mommyhood, about the time I figure it out, it will change. At least we have a few weeks to recover before our next adventure.

Day 337: Missing it!

Last night, my Lil Bit ate real food! This was our third attempt at rice cereal. Babies have to relearn how to use their mouths to swallow food rather than milk. It often takes awhile. The first two attempts were happy disasters. I think more food came out of her mouth than went in! Last night, though still messy, she seemed to really grasp the idea of swallowing. I was so excited when I said open and she did!! Of course I had to call the Grandmas immediately and brag on my genius daughter!

Lil Bit was under her play gym while I was on the phone with my MiL. She was just having the best time, smiling and kicking and playing. She was so cute in her little blue gingham dress with matching spankies and socks. Her demure smile peeked at me from behind a handful of damp, well-chewed skirt. She is just s darned cute!

Tonight, she was frustrated with her toys (they don't fit in her mouth) and growling at them. To alleviate her frustration, I was growling with her. Lil Bit's brown eyes grew two sizes and a full belly laugh trickled up into her smile. The joy from her laugh was contagious and I began to laugh. My laughing made her laugh, so I laughed more, so she laughed more.

But as we were bonding, all I could think was that Daddy was missing it. She was a tiny, mostly inert, itty bit when he left. Now she is rolling and eating and "talking" and laughing. The snuggles and cuddles are even more precious because she is already becoming so much more independent. I can't imagine missing this so sweet year with her. It breaks my heart to miss the hours I do when I have to go to work during the day. He is missing it all.

I always knew he missed so much with his children, but we live so far away that I don't get to watch them go through the year without him as much as I do now with her. Plus, this first year is just so jam packed with firsts. Those moments when she crosses a new milestone or overcomes something that just the day before had her confounded or is just doing something too adorable for words are moments he can't get back. I can't yell, honey, come see this. I try to call my mothers but if I called them every time she was cute, we'd be on the phone all the time. So much of my mental picture of my new family involved the bonding we would do with our new daughter. It hurts to miss sharing those moments with him more than I ever thought I could. I thought at least I would enjoy the special girly bonding time, but really it just hurts not to have him here to witness the changes and joys of her year.

Any free time I have this week will be researching video cameras. I think I might want a flip? Something easy to use and upload quickly to email or facebook and save to discs. I just can't let him miss it all.

Day 339: Priorities

Lil Bit in her new jean skirt courtesy of Lisa!

Sorry guys, no real blog tonight. My Lil Bit was fussy and not feeling well. She needed me to hold her until she fell asleep. I am trying to type one handed. As soon as she is down, I am gonna lay down to get some sleep. While I can apparently stay up every night to blog, I can't function for the entire week on the lack of sleep and by Friday, I am a wreck. So tonight is part one of sleeping issues army wives have during deployment - Part One, set priorities. Taking care of yourself is pretty much gotta be #1 so you can put everyone else #1 for the rest of the day.

I will keep up the writing, but some days may be shorter than others. Bedtime is ten o'clock! Period. So gotta run, take care of yourselves today!

P.S. Everything did not get taken care of. I have packages for the boys, my FiL and Chad that need to go out and they didn't get done. I have a dryer full of my clothes that will wrinkle and need to be fluffed and the vacuum only made it out of the closet and around one room today. So I go to bed with a list of things that weigh on my mind, but am trying to do so with a clear conscience because I am only one person with two arms and a healthy need for sleep and other life sustaining things. I can only do what I can do if I am going to stay sane and happy during this deployment. I chose to run this afternoon instead of do chores. I needed that for me. I am done allowing myself to get upset about things that don't get done. If they never get done, then they weren't that important. And if my house is a mess = don't visit if it bothers you. Of course, my idea of a disaster is based on my mom's house and it was immaculate, so if some clutter and dog hair don't bother you, come on over and bring a bottle of wine and we can drown our non-priorities together.

Day 348

Even with a short week, I, like most of my colleagues, spent the week wishing it away. We desperately couldn't wait until Friday! Then it got here and I sat at my desk at school, half trying to work, half watching a video for class, half playing "Words with Friends." I know that is three halves, but I teach English for just this very reason. Other than money, numbers are not always my friend. You can't be a distracted mathematician, screws up your equations. My mind is kind of like a circus. If you sit quietly and absorb the things happening, it works, but if you try to focus on one aspect in all the noise, lights, clowns - nothing gets done. I think that is why I crave silence so much, it allows the "voices' in my head to do what they are doing and get it over with. School is obviously not a quiet place so I find it hard to focus sometimes and by the time I get my classroom empty and quiet at the end of the day, I am so wiped I have a hard time working.

Gee, a little ADHD already!! Here I am a paragraph in and have gone from A - B - Q. I was sitting at my desk when a friend walked in. Liz must have seen something in my eyes, because she was just dropping by to say goodnight, but walked all the way into my room and asked me how I was. Until she asked, I didn't even know I was having a moment. Just a few seconds earlier the thought of the weekend filled with my little girl had made me grin. She has really started giggling. I watched the thirty second video from last night over and over today. Her laugh lightens my heart.

However, the same weekend without my best friend, knowing he isn't coming home, may not even be able to call or email feels like a prison sentence. I like a little solitude, heck, I like a lot of solitude, but the pressure of my own thoughts, of the hurts and failures that hang on my heart like a soul albatross get very heavy. As soon as she asked me if I were alright, the tears sprang to my eyes. I don't know that I made much sense explaining to her what was going on. I hope I didn't hurt her feelings.

This life of an army wife is sometimes so effin ineffable! There are days I just live. I pray for Chad's safety, but my day is so full that the missing him gets pushed to the back burner. Then the weekends come and the aching pain rushes in like high tide. One minute I am fine and enjoying some of the freedom that comes from this life. I ate peanut butter, raisins and chocolate chips in a ramekin for dessert. I am listening to xylophone versions of The Cure, The Ramones, The Stones over the baby monitor. I may not get everything right, but she is going to be exposed to all sorts of music! I get time to be myself as well as a wife.

On the other hand, we do this so often, that it sometimes feels more normal for him to be gone. Then I feel guilty because his absence doesn't feel too strange, and the next second, I am sobbing because hearing his voice in the recordable book we bought for Lil Bit makes me ache to have him here. We never get a normal. Everything is honeymoon because he just got back, then we have a few hiccups in sharing space and he is off to training, then he just gets back, then gone for the National Training Center, then he gets back and is gearing up for deployment so everything is honeymoon because why argue when he is leaving. A year of email and phone I love yous and absence that makes the heart grow fonder passes slower and quicker than you could understand. And we do it all over again.

I literally can be loving life one second and awash in tears the next. I hope Liz wasn't hurt when I said I didn't know how to explain it. I don't think I have even scratched the surface here of how challenging being an army wife is. I am expected to be able to be strong, buck up and find ways to enjoy myself during these long separations, but also be missing him and creating a welcoming home for him too. As much as I am balancing between all these extremes those circus tightrope walkers got nuttin' on me, gurl!

If I was feeling this down, this alone when I hadn't even left work for the weekend, I am going to be a complete wreck by Sunday 2:30. And there is no one here to catch my fall. One night, had a total break down right after Chad proposed and one of my friends commandeered my life, came over with no warning (no time to clean, fix hair, wipe off mascara rivulets) and brought beer and pizza. It is hard to be that vulnerable to people for me, but that was a great night. H - luv ya guts! And we're back to friends as a topic. Guess no man is an island.

Maybe I am just losing my mind?? Maybe some days you win, some days you lose, some days you live through and some days you wine! Any day I can count down until he comes home still counts as a victory no matter how hard crossing the finish line was. For my literary peeps, three allusions in this blog. Find 'em!

351

Well the lawn was looking kinda dry and dead and I just don't have a ton of time to run out and set up sprinklers and water it. Thank you God for the rain! I will try to remember how grateful I am tonight when I am trying to run errands in it.


In the flash flood worthy downpour, I park too close to the curb to get the stroller next to the car and can't figure out a better way to get Lil Bit into the doctor's office without becoming drenched. So I am balancing my purse, diaper bag, umbrella, shot records, blanket and car seat while stepping in muddy grass puddles and steering my very large stroller poorly. And this was only the first errand. Then we had to run into Walgreen's to pick up the photos for her birth mother's package this month and into UPS to mail it. I didn't do it, but I wished that I had someone with me to sit in the car with her. But no, I dragged her in and out, in and out and then into the grocery store. My left arm is getting very strong.

The lawn needed watering, the pool needed filling. I guess other than getting a bit wet myself, today was a good day. It is just inconvenient with a baby. Everything takes twice as much planning and coordination. For someone who already over plans everything, trying to stave off chaos, this may not bring out the best side of my personality.

I can see myself becoming totally OCD; however, I am often too tired to be too obsessive compulsive. It is all about balance, so I think about being neurotically organized, while I try to decide if the crumbs on the counter are going to attract ants. By the time I decide the crumbs are gross, I have three other things to do in the kitchen and can totally multi-task my neuroses! Everything has an upside.

Still sick and so exhausted that I can barely keep my eyes open so I am going to cut this short. Just another day in the life. I did see that someone in Kuwait was reading my blog - so Hi Honey!! Stay safe and we love you!

Day 363

Survived one whole day without forgetting anything. Turned everything off, brought my lunch to school, didn't leave briefcase at home - woo hoo! I am sure I have many rough days to look forward to as Lil Bit gets bigger, sleeps less and starts MOVING. Never underestimate the joy of knowing the baby can't get into stuff yet. I know it's coming, but for today, I just wanna crash. She fell asleep in her car seat on the way home. Am I a rotten mom for leaving her in the seat for her nap? She hasn't slept all day and I wanted time to actually eat. Anyone else notice a baby can be quiet and happy until mommy has food? Can she smell the food or just sense I might actually get to eat without bouncing her on my shoulder? I am already missing the extra pair of hands to get her when I am in the middle of something, just worn out or would like five minutes alone in the powder room without worrying that the dog is licking her head again. I have survived a deployment as a girlfriend/fiancee, one as a wife, and now one as a mother - can I be done yet? Ugh.

I found another picture of my husband on Facebook, but still no emails. This first part is hard. We haven't set up a pattern or gotten into habits yet. I don't know when he might call or if he'll call soon. Previous deployments, Kuwait was a bus stop to Iraq, but Chad thinks he might be there training for a little longer. I wonder if it has really hit me yet. I may just be running on fumes and when I have a few seconds, the truth will crash down like a tsunami. I am just going to enjoy my little trip down this river called Denial!

Met another blogger/army wife. She is having a rough few days. This is her first deployment and feels a little lost in a new job and alone. Plus some of her experiences with army wives have been less than positive. I wonder why so many of us get negative or gossipy? Maybe the complaining and gossip keeps  them busy or takes the focus off the deployment stress? I don't know for sure, and some people just have to be in the center of all the drama, but I guess I hope I can an example for her of how to handle the separation and stress with grace.