Day 15: Holding it together

So far today, I've managed to hold it together. A few times, the tears loomed. It really helps having the in-laws here. They are keeping us distracted. But I'm really done. I know this is the end. We're almost done. The plane is scheduled, supposedly, and probably being prepped for the tarmac or some crap like that.

But his return flight keeps getting pushed back over and over. The last few days are hard. But it was hard before we got a call telling us he would here Tuesday, 5:30 p.m. So, we get all excited and start psyching ourselves up for that time and date. Then he says, oh, we got pushed back, but we don't know how far yet. So we don't know what to think.

Then, we don't get any further information from the regiment. We didn't get any kind of official call that the flight had been pushed back until two hours before he was supposed to land. I hadn't gotten the 24 hour call and had heard from him that they were most likely delayed, so I wasn't truly expecting him today, but it was still disappointing to hear that he wouldn't be home today.

Then the message we got was disappointing. I really wanted to have him home for my birthday. I was hoping that I might get to have my birthday dinner with him. But does not seem to be in the cards. I know returns are always up in the air, but I don't remember it being like this before. They are trying to keep us super informed, but I'm not sure if that is working out.

We get information, but it changes, then they are being crazy about security, but people are posting all over their facebook information that leaks info. Then they come on yelling about info, but don't just delete the posts themselves. But they can do that and not actually give us any information about my husband's flight. They haven't even listed his flight as existing

I'm just having a hard time holding it together right now. You might not know it to look at me, but I spent today struggling against tears. We were busy. We did lawn work in 100+ degree heat. We pruned bushes and trimmed hedges, weeded the garden and fought the fire ants, repositioned sprinklers and sprayed for pests (mandatory after I saw a gigantic cockroach crawling near the backdoor). We cooked and swam and watched TV and ate ice cream sundaes.

But any time I let my guard down, I felt the emotions start welling up. It is stressful, all the waiting and the inability to plan. I haven't even let myself process how it will feel to actually see him. Technically, my birthday just started. But I have a bad feeling that we won't be getting to spend any of it together and that his flight might get pushed even further back because of people posting specific times on FB. I tried to be vague, but other people posted specifics. And now, they're saying that they'll push your soldier's return back if you post stuff. I'm really trying not to get torked off. I know they are trying to keep the soldiers safe, but if you don't want people to say anything, you probably shouldn't tell them.

It just isn't working as smoothly as they planned. And I'm getting more and more emotional about it all. I'm also having a hard time processing that I have to go to work Monday. I haven't mentally prepared for that at all. I've built up this return and been focused on just getting him home that I haven't really processed going back to work and the things I need to do to be able to do that.

Frankly, inside I feel shattered and trying to hold it together with Elmer's. The emotions of surviving a deployment get heavier some times and as the waiting gets longer and longer, I'm doing whatever I can to make it through until I see his face. 

Day 177: Home

This waiting to hear from my husband is so hard. He can't tell me about transportation or travel while in Iraq for security reasons, but it is so hard to wait. Especially with all the planning I have to do to be ready for this week, it is hard not knowing when I will have to take off to go get him from the airport. I am hoping to have tomorrow so I can take care of a few things. I have so much work to do in one day. I don't know how I will get it done.

The past two nights I have woken up in the middle of the night to check email. Then this morning, I get a text message at 5:06 a.m. telling me he will be landing just after lunch. ARghhhh! I immediately fly into high gear. I had thought I might have one more day to get things done. I had three class sets of essays to print out, four days of lessons to plan and all sorts of little nitpicky things to do, like teach all morning before I could take off to go get him.

I ran around slightly panicked for the morning, but managed (just barely) to get everything done. Then racing to get the baby and get to the airport, I got one more change of plans text message. Flight got delayed. I took care of one more errand and gave myself a few minutes to eat lunch. Then drove, shakily, to the airport. It started to sink in that he would be home in a few minutes. It was hard not to drive 100 miles per hour the whole way. I still got there in 11 minutes, when my GPS said it would take 22. I just took a route without stoplights. Lil Bit and I sat at the cafe area and waited to see a plane come in.

From the corner of my eye, I saw a plane on the runway. For a second I couldn't tell if it was taking off or landing. I kept checking the board to see which flight was coming in, but no flight was listed. I texted him, "R u here" and got back "our plane just landed." I was so excited to watch his plane pull up to the gate. Then we waited for daddy to deplane and come past the security gate. It was a pretty rare moment, just us waiting, not racing in from the parking lot, standing there excited looking expectantly from face to face.

Then he was there. After a quick hello and kiss, he scooped up his baby girl. She immediately grinned and tried to kiss him, which is little more than a poorly aimed headbutt. She remembered him and felt immediately happy in his arms. In fact, she pouted every time he put her down or gave her back to me for the first thirty minutes he was home.

While he didn't manage to stay awake past 8:30, he is home. The circumstances of his return aren't the best, and we are going to have some hoops to jump through in order for him to be able to stay for R&R as well as the emergency leave, but for today, he is home and even as I prepare to drag him off the couch, it is all that matters. 

Day 268: Baby plane?

So now we've traveled both ways, four plane trips. I got home last night so exhausted that I didn't want to do anything, but had my normal weekend stuff to do, plus get things put away, unpacked, etc. I am still exhausted. I am ready to crawl into bed now. Unfortunately, she is about to wake up from her nap.

Traveling with an infant, wow, so much to say. First, we traveled from one climate to another. I had a coat for me and a snowsuit for her. You can't fit a winter coat into a carry-on and carry anything else on, so I was dragging her coat and mine from state to state. In retrospect, we were outside for about ten minutes total, from the baggage claim to the car which was in the covered garage, and from the car to the house. I don't think she went out again and I didn't much either. We could have done without the coats. You just don't know how cold the Midwest is going to be this time of year. I remember years with four foot snow drifts and years of shorts and roller skates on Christmas. But in any case, two bulky coats made travel so much more fun.

Then I had my purse, a "fridge to go" ice pack bag for her formula, her stroller, and my backpack which carried diaper bag supplies, toys, laptop and electronics and my book that I didn't really get to read while traveling.  The stroller was a travel folding "umbrella" type. In order to get around expediently, I hung the jackets on the handles and bags over them. The weight of the bottle bag, purse and coats was such that every time I took Lil Bit out of the stroller, the whole production toppled over. In our home airport, one young man, took pity and helped me right it. Not so in the airport back home on our return trip. I was wrestling with changing her on a tiny leather seat, because the one family restroom for ten gates was full, the ladies' room had no changing area and the terminal seats were my only option. The seat was too short for her and slanted backwards, so every few seconds I had to rescue her from sliding out the back. People all around me saw me struggling and left the tipped over stroller where it lay and gave me looks clearly pleading to not be sitting near me and my baby.

Then the aisles in the plane are ridiculously tiny. I probably smashed a hundred people in the head with either my purse or coats. I tried to be as unobtrusive and self-sufficient as possible. I tried to be considerate and really be expedient through security. I did a pretty good job, but people sometimes are so judgmental. The good news is that I didn't have to get a full pat down or a full body screen. I don't think the airports I went through had the technology yet. Security was definitely heightened. They patted down the baby's shoes and did a chemical test on her formula. I know the terrorists are by definition crazy and horrible, but even if there were explosive in the baby's shoes, how much explosive could they have even carried? Really? But if it keeps my baby safe, I can be more tolerant.

The baby did really good in the plane for a baby, but she fussed a few times because she was tired or hungry. She really only cried for a couple of minutes, but the guy who reeked of liquor glared over his shoulder at her and me. I understand being frustrated at a baby screaming. It is just about one of the least pleasant sounds in the world; however, when a baby has a melt down, there isn't much you can do. They don't understand many words yet and can't communicate except by smiles or cries.

Lil Bit did as good as she could have. I just think that as inconvenient as flying with babies can be, the airlines could help. They could have the computers automatically place parents with lap infants near the front of the plane. They could have a storage space for three or four small umbrella strollers on board, a space that would easily be used by crew or by passengers if not needed for strollers when the overhead compartments are overflowing. Having her stroller on the plane would have made my life SO much easier. I also plan to have one bottle, two diapers and pocket wipes in my purse and a toy or two attached to the straps; everything else can be put away. I had too much stuff I was trying to carry and couldn't get to any of it during the flights.

Until they create a baby plane or parenting flight, I imagine this will be like anything else so far in mommyhood, about the time I figure it out, it will change. At least we have a few weeks to recover before our next adventure.