The waiting starts getting hard when they get close to coming home. I went grocery shopping today, and started picking up a few things in preparation for Chad's return and resulting Welcome Home celebration. I went to a grocery store closer to post than I usually go because it was closer to Lil Bit's doctor.
Turns out we have a pretty rough virus. I had it worse so far, but no guarantees that she isn't on the road down with her fever and crabbiness increasing. No treatment works but time, which is good news and bad news.
Either way, I decided to make a run to the grocery store while Lil Bit was in a fairly decent mood. The store was full of soldiers. Just seeing the uniforms, started bringing up so many emotions. Then I was putting the groceries into the trunk, trying to juggle my purse, the cart, baby and heavy bags. I started thinking about having to make several trips into the house, which is complicated with an ambulatory baby, and realized in a few weeks, I would have my soldier home to help.
It got kind of real then, in a good way and I realized how long the past few days have felt. The days are starting to get long, no matter how I try to fill them. I kept really busy today, busier than I've been in the past two weeks. But at the end of the day, only one day has passed. Months seemed to fly by at the beginning, but now the days drag on, drawn out like warm taffy.
It is just a mental thing, I know that. But somehow, the closer he gets to coming home, the longer each hour seems. I'm afraid to hope. I'm afraid to let my heart start opening and wishing for him again. But it is too late. Hope started to bloom during the redeployment meeting. We should be down to under a month or so, but rather than getting easier, considering the 11 months we've already survived, my Lil Bit and me, it gets harder. The days seem longer and time feels frozen.
Every day feels like you're tempting fate and yet, also running out of time to get ready, and yet ... and my mind starts just circling with concerns, fears, etc. These last days, however many we really have now, will each feel much longer, and strangely more lonely. Maybe my brain is with my heart and slowly preparing myself for the hectic craziness of having the boys here, the family and friends and FINALLY Chad, the other half of my heart. Without whom, I feel empty and conspicuous. He makes me fit in this world and I need him. I hope these days pass easily. I don't really want them to fly since I am on vacation, but I'll settle for not feeling like forever.
Showing posts with label last. Show all posts
Showing posts with label last. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Day 155: 48 hours
No, not the news show. The countdown to his leaving. In fact, as I start typing this, we're really at 46 1/2. I have to have him to the airport about 7:30 Thursday morning. Today was supposed to be a day of being lazy in bed, playing video games, talking, going to see a movie, but not sure it will work out that way.
We sprung a leak in one of the pool pump's hoses which is dumping water all over the back yard. He managed to contain it enough to go to bed, but it has to be addressed now. So he is off doing that while I sit and wait. Of course, I could have gone with him, but getting up and getting dressed would have taken longer than letting him go alone, so I am going to get a jump start on tonight's blog and maybe even input some kids' grades.
I am trying my best not to think about the leaving, but instead about the time we have. Yet, when it does cross my mind, I find it hard to catch my breath. My heart literally hurts. Last night, I lay my head on his chest and said, "I'm glad you're home." It took me awhile to feel comfortable and close with him again. I had shut down my heart so hard, I needed time to get the hinges loosened up. Also, as I explained to him, he is messy. Not in an unclean, slobbish way, but in an unpredictable, disorganized, seat of his pants kind of way. Especially this deployment, I had to be so organized and routinized to keep up with life and baby, house and school, so it was harder for me to get adjusted to his looser style of doing things.
Of course, now that we're back into a groove and having a good time together, it is time for him to leave again. We did make the movie, Limitless with Bradley Cooper which turned out to be not quite as good in the beginning (I love the meteoric rise part, the phenomenon genius bit) but better at the end than I could have imagined. Then we shopped for shoes and a new camera. We found a new camera we liked, got the last one and a discount for the floor model. We played with the baby and after putting her to bed, stayed up playing xbox again until we're both sweaty messes. But we're having fun.
The best part of the whole evening was watching a marine corps sniper show and hearing him tell all the stories of army sniper school. We had a nice day. But now we're down to 31 hours. I know it doesn't make sense to many to count every hour, but to an extent, as long as there are hours to count, it isn't over yet. I can't let myself start to cry yet. Although I can feel the tears looming behind my eyes.
Maybe it is just the sweat from too much reflex ridge. I think it is my turn again. Gotta go. Will try to write tomorrow, but no promises.
We sprung a leak in one of the pool pump's hoses which is dumping water all over the back yard. He managed to contain it enough to go to bed, but it has to be addressed now. So he is off doing that while I sit and wait. Of course, I could have gone with him, but getting up and getting dressed would have taken longer than letting him go alone, so I am going to get a jump start on tonight's blog and maybe even input some kids' grades.
I am trying my best not to think about the leaving, but instead about the time we have. Yet, when it does cross my mind, I find it hard to catch my breath. My heart literally hurts. Last night, I lay my head on his chest and said, "I'm glad you're home." It took me awhile to feel comfortable and close with him again. I had shut down my heart so hard, I needed time to get the hinges loosened up. Also, as I explained to him, he is messy. Not in an unclean, slobbish way, but in an unpredictable, disorganized, seat of his pants kind of way. Especially this deployment, I had to be so organized and routinized to keep up with life and baby, house and school, so it was harder for me to get adjusted to his looser style of doing things.
Of course, now that we're back into a groove and having a good time together, it is time for him to leave again. We did make the movie, Limitless with Bradley Cooper which turned out to be not quite as good in the beginning (I love the meteoric rise part, the phenomenon genius bit) but better at the end than I could have imagined. Then we shopped for shoes and a new camera. We found a new camera we liked, got the last one and a discount for the floor model. We played with the baby and after putting her to bed, stayed up playing xbox again until we're both sweaty messes. But we're having fun.
The best part of the whole evening was watching a marine corps sniper show and hearing him tell all the stories of army sniper school. We had a nice day. But now we're down to 31 hours. I know it doesn't make sense to many to count every hour, but to an extent, as long as there are hours to count, it isn't over yet. I can't let myself start to cry yet. Although I can feel the tears looming behind my eyes.
Maybe it is just the sweat from too much reflex ridge. I think it is my turn again. Gotta go. Will try to write tomorrow, but no promises.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Day 159: Last day
Today has been a strange day subconsciously. The boys have been here all week and it has been good. But it is hard for them. They don't live here most of the time and coming to our house after long absences is like visiting a home instead of being home. It takes a few days for them to feel at home.
I wrote yesterday about how hard it is for my husband to process all the complex emotions of coming and going. I can't imagine how stressful it is for the boys. They live in one house most of the year and have to come into a new home with a parent and step-parent they rarely see. It must be hard for them to deal with the emotions of switching houses and families plus dealing with Daddy coming and going from war.
Today I don't think they woke up truly here. Something I've noticed after being a step-parent twice is that the last day of any visit the kids act up, push buttons and get on nerves. Maybe because it is easier to leave that way? Maybe because their emotions are kind of on edge too. They feel it, the looming good-bye, the knowledge that Daddy is gone for months again.
I know for me today was hard. I felt so much pressure to make today fantastic for the guys. We had so much to get done today, but I wanted tonight to be a special family fun time, but life just took over. Chad had chores he was working on and the baby takes so much of my focus. Between laundry and dinner, it was just not the perfect family day I had hoped for. Maybe the pressure of it being the last night the boys will see their father made it seem less than perfect.
We grilled hamburgers. Trenton helped make dinner while Nathan watched the baby and I folded clothes. Then we made sugar cookies and started playing our new Kinect game we bought this afternoon. After playing for awhile, we had pecan caramel brownie sundaes with Oreo cookie ice cream, whipped cream, drizzled in caramel and chocolate.
Now I think the sugar high has kicked in and we're still up at 11:30 playing Kinect sports. Nathan is starting to act a little manic and Trenton vacillates between being an active participant and napping. I know we will have to send them to bed soon, but no one wants to night to end. Tomorrow's good-bye comes too soon for all of us.
I wrote yesterday about how hard it is for my husband to process all the complex emotions of coming and going. I can't imagine how stressful it is for the boys. They live in one house most of the year and have to come into a new home with a parent and step-parent they rarely see. It must be hard for them to deal with the emotions of switching houses and families plus dealing with Daddy coming and going from war.
Today I don't think they woke up truly here. Something I've noticed after being a step-parent twice is that the last day of any visit the kids act up, push buttons and get on nerves. Maybe because it is easier to leave that way? Maybe because their emotions are kind of on edge too. They feel it, the looming good-bye, the knowledge that Daddy is gone for months again.
I know for me today was hard. I felt so much pressure to make today fantastic for the guys. We had so much to get done today, but I wanted tonight to be a special family fun time, but life just took over. Chad had chores he was working on and the baby takes so much of my focus. Between laundry and dinner, it was just not the perfect family day I had hoped for. Maybe the pressure of it being the last night the boys will see their father made it seem less than perfect.
We grilled hamburgers. Trenton helped make dinner while Nathan watched the baby and I folded clothes. Then we made sugar cookies and started playing our new Kinect game we bought this afternoon. After playing for awhile, we had pecan caramel brownie sundaes with Oreo cookie ice cream, whipped cream, drizzled in caramel and chocolate.
Now I think the sugar high has kicked in and we're still up at 11:30 playing Kinect sports. Nathan is starting to act a little manic and Trenton vacillates between being an active participant and napping. I know we will have to send them to bed soon, but no one wants to night to end. Tomorrow's good-bye comes too soon for all of us.
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