The waiting starts getting hard when they get close to coming home. I went grocery shopping today, and started picking up a few things in preparation for Chad's return and resulting Welcome Home celebration. I went to a grocery store closer to post than I usually go because it was closer to Lil Bit's doctor.
Turns out we have a pretty rough virus. I had it worse so far, but no guarantees that she isn't on the road down with her fever and crabbiness increasing. No treatment works but time, which is good news and bad news.
Either way, I decided to make a run to the grocery store while Lil Bit was in a fairly decent mood. The store was full of soldiers. Just seeing the uniforms, started bringing up so many emotions. Then I was putting the groceries into the trunk, trying to juggle my purse, the cart, baby and heavy bags. I started thinking about having to make several trips into the house, which is complicated with an ambulatory baby, and realized in a few weeks, I would have my soldier home to help.
It got kind of real then, in a good way and I realized how long the past few days have felt. The days are starting to get long, no matter how I try to fill them. I kept really busy today, busier than I've been in the past two weeks. But at the end of the day, only one day has passed. Months seemed to fly by at the beginning, but now the days drag on, drawn out like warm taffy.
It is just a mental thing, I know that. But somehow, the closer he gets to coming home, the longer each hour seems. I'm afraid to hope. I'm afraid to let my heart start opening and wishing for him again. But it is too late. Hope started to bloom during the redeployment meeting. We should be down to under a month or so, but rather than getting easier, considering the 11 months we've already survived, my Lil Bit and me, it gets harder. The days seem longer and time feels frozen.
Every day feels like you're tempting fate and yet, also running out of time to get ready, and yet ... and my mind starts just circling with concerns, fears, etc. These last days, however many we really have now, will each feel much longer, and strangely more lonely. Maybe my brain is with my heart and slowly preparing myself for the hectic craziness of having the boys here, the family and friends and FINALLY Chad, the other half of my heart. Without whom, I feel empty and conspicuous. He makes me fit in this world and I need him. I hope these days pass easily. I don't really want them to fly since I am on vacation, but I'll settle for not feeling like forever.
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