Day 152: Sad

Yesterday was kind of a saga. I took him to the airport, cried a few tears, choked back a few sobs and raced to take the baby to daycare and get to school close enough to on time to get a parking space in the side lot closest to my classroom. I had been gone all week for R&R, so every greeting was a knowing, "How are you?" or a too cheery, "Welcome Back." Either way, I was fighting tears every time someone said anything. I wanted to just close my classroom door and not talk to anyone until I got my school legs back. Of course, the kids were scrambling to turn in late or missing work from like January so I wasn't lacking for things to keep me busy, but then I got a text message.

I had planned to drop him off, cry on the way to school and hit the ground running, but if you know the military, nothing EVER goes the way it was planned. His unit somehow never finalized his plane ticket, so his flight was not paid for and he couldn't board the plane. This meant hours of frantic phone calls and scrambling to get new tickets arranged and paid for. Apparently some dude in Kuwait hung up on him like six times. We resorted to FaceBook messages with his roommate in Iraq from Chad to me through my iPhone to JC at his JSS.

After he got new tickets, he called me around 11 and told me that his orders now didn't match his itinerary. Landing at the commercial Kuwait airport, he was concerned that without correct orders, he would be detained if he didn't have his passport. He could have taken a cab to the house to get his passport, but it would have been costly and risked his missing the next plane. Instead, I found a friend to supervise my class taking a test. I raced home, grabbed the passport, sped to the airport, gave a few more hurried hugs and kisses and then drove back to school. Did it all in 45 minutes! It was a record of some sort, I believe.

All day, I checked my phone repeatedly for the "last" text message. Usually he sends me one last "I love you!" before he is out of American airspace. I heard from him around 4:30 that his phone was dying and his charger didn't seem to be working so he wanted to call and tell me he loved me before his phone ran out of charge. I still had students in my room scrambling to finish late work before the grading period ends so I couldn't get too emotional, but it was hard. I could only reiterate the same flat things we'd already said several times yesterday. That last good-bye feels like it is supposed to be special and emotional, but it really isn't.

We say good-bye pretty much like we would any other morning before work or any other phone call because there aren't words that really grasp the depth of what we were feeling as we ended our phone call. If he doesn't know how much I love him at that point, how much I need him in my life, how much I respect and just flat out LIKE him, then I won't be able to summon some magic words that can convey it over the phone.

I have been too swamped at work to spend a lot of time being sad yesterday or today, but going home last night was sad. Just heading to the empty house was really almost more than I could bear. I called my mom to distract me two stoplights before being home. Then Lil Bit had a mini meltdown. Dealing with her was about all I had in me.

The hardest part of the evening was the silliest thing. I turned on Lil Bit's favorite show, American Idol. She immediately started dancing, clapping and singing back at the TV. In the middle of giggling with her, I started to cry. Daddy wasn't here to watch her, to share knowing looks over her cuteness, and wouldn't be until she is so different than the baby she barely is now.

The other things that have been hard are his watch left on his side of the headboard shelf, a pair of discarded socks on the living room floor, the food in the fridge I won't eat because he likes things "real way too 'picy" as Trent used to say when he was little, the last beer on top of the fridge, or the Captain Crunch cereal I bought to commemorate the death of the Cap'n. Tonight Lil Bit's bedtime stories were, Daddy Calls Me Doodlebug, Over There, and All the Ways I Love You. All the books were about daddies' nicknames for their babies, daddy being away and hearing daddy's voice. She spent the entire night babbling, "da da da da da" and got so excited when she heard his voice read her a story. I hope these things help keep Daddy present in her mind until he comes home again.

We also made a few videos of him playing with her, reading her a few books, etc. so now she will be able to watch him on the computer or tv

Funny thing is, people say you don't know what you've got until it's gone. For me it is exactly the opposite. While his absence does make me treasure him, I only remember what I've been missing once he comes home. And I know what I've got when we dance in the kitchen and laugh until we're hoarse and sore and talk until the middle of the night. I know what I have and I am tired of being sad. 

Day 169: Alone again

My husband's time home has been and will be pretty busy. Today he drove down to his dad's house to help his sister with sorting through things, organizing the shed, emptying out the house.

My father-in-law had become a pack rat in recent years, perhaps reverting to his youth of poverty where one did not discard anything that might be of use someday. Megan has made significant inroads into discarding junk and selling items of no use to her, but apparently he has a shed full of stuff that is just too much for her to go through alone.

Chad decided to take 24-36 hours to go down to south Texas and help. I know he needs to do it, and it really is the least he can do after she worked so hard emotionally and physically to care for Dad the past year or so, but it is still hard to say good-bye even for a night. When our days are so limited and we've had so little time to just BE together, it was emotional to go to work yesterday and even harder to kiss him good-bye this morning. He did get the baby up this morning and got to see how excited and happy she is first thing in the morning. I've been trying to capture it on video for months, but now he got to see it. I could tell how happy it made him that she squealed and giggled when he came in her room to get her. How can sweet baby giggles be anything but awesome!

I am trying to look at the positives. I can watch all my girlie shows while he is gone tonight and eat healthier than we have been. I can hog the bed all night. He will be back tomorrow, hopefully by the time I get home from school. It is just hard to not have the emotions about missing ANY of his precious hours home, especially when we still don't know if they are going to extend his leave and let him take R&R back to back.

It was hard even leaving school tonight, not having him to rush home for. Wow, all it took was a few days of totally getting spoiled having him home. The baby has been asserting her authority by way of temper tantrum. During an extremely frustrating moment of trying to wash dishes and entertain a baby who was completely finished being entertained by either me or her exersaucer, it occurred to me that I am going to have five months alone again after he leaves. While that is less than I have already done, it feels like forever.

This morning, I was running behind so he dressed the baby. Of course, then the sink was full of dirty dishes piled precariously and the garage was cluttered after his thwarted attempt to clean it which impeded my progress out the door, kinda bringing me back to even, but I got to kiss him good-bye. I got to see him laugh at the sweet baby antics. All day I could text him whenever I wanted and talked to him twice.

This night alone hasn't been tragic, but it wasn't easy. I will be glad when he gets home tomorrow and am still crossing my fingers that they will allow him to tie his R&R to his emergency leave because if they don't, he is back on a plane Friday leaving me and the kids to spend Spring Break without him and frankly, I've had enough time without him. A few more weeks before I am alone again are definitely what the doctor ordered.

I can't wait for our date night. Mmm, all the possibilities of what to do and where to go. Now if I can just keep from freaking out about leaving the baby with a sitter. . .  one hurdle a day. I wouldn't want to be too ambitious now.