Yesterday was kind of a saga. I took him to the airport, cried a few tears, choked back a few sobs and raced to take the baby to daycare and get to school close enough to on time to get a parking space in the side lot closest to my classroom. I had been gone all week for R&R, so every greeting was a knowing, "How are you?" or a too cheery, "Welcome Back." Either way, I was fighting tears every time someone said anything. I wanted to just close my classroom door and not talk to anyone until I got my school legs back. Of course, the kids were scrambling to turn in late or missing work from like January so I wasn't lacking for things to keep me busy, but then I got a text message.
I had planned to drop him off, cry on the way to school and hit the ground running, but if you know the military, nothing EVER goes the way it was planned. His unit somehow never finalized his plane ticket, so his flight was not paid for and he couldn't board the plane. This meant hours of frantic phone calls and scrambling to get new tickets arranged and paid for. Apparently some dude in Kuwait hung up on him like six times. We resorted to FaceBook messages with his roommate in Iraq from Chad to me through my iPhone to JC at his JSS.
After he got new tickets, he called me around 11 and told me that his orders now didn't match his itinerary. Landing at the commercial Kuwait airport, he was concerned that without correct orders, he would be detained if he didn't have his passport. He could have taken a cab to the house to get his passport, but it would have been costly and risked his missing the next plane. Instead, I found a friend to supervise my class taking a test. I raced home, grabbed the passport, sped to the airport, gave a few more hurried hugs and kisses and then drove back to school. Did it all in 45 minutes! It was a record of some sort, I believe.
All day, I checked my phone repeatedly for the "last" text message. Usually he sends me one last "I love you!" before he is out of American airspace. I heard from him around 4:30 that his phone was dying and his charger didn't seem to be working so he wanted to call and tell me he loved me before his phone ran out of charge. I still had students in my room scrambling to finish late work before the grading period ends so I couldn't get too emotional, but it was hard. I could only reiterate the same flat things we'd already said several times yesterday. That last good-bye feels like it is supposed to be special and emotional, but it really isn't.
We say good-bye pretty much like we would any other morning before work or any other phone call because there aren't words that really grasp the depth of what we were feeling as we ended our phone call. If he doesn't know how much I love him at that point, how much I need him in my life, how much I respect and just flat out LIKE him, then I won't be able to summon some magic words that can convey it over the phone.
I have been too swamped at work to spend a lot of time being sad yesterday or today, but going home last night was sad. Just heading to the empty house was really almost more than I could bear. I called my mom to distract me two stoplights before being home. Then Lil Bit had a mini meltdown. Dealing with her was about all I had in me.
The hardest part of the evening was the silliest thing. I turned on Lil Bit's favorite show, American Idol. She immediately started dancing, clapping and singing back at the TV. In the middle of giggling with her, I started to cry. Daddy wasn't here to watch her, to share knowing looks over her cuteness, and wouldn't be until she is so different than the baby she barely is now.
The other things that have been hard are his watch left on his side of the headboard shelf, a pair of discarded socks on the living room floor, the food in the fridge I won't eat because he likes things "real way too 'picy" as Trent used to say when he was little, the last beer on top of the fridge, or the Captain Crunch cereal I bought to commemorate the death of the Cap'n. Tonight Lil Bit's bedtime stories were, Daddy Calls Me Doodlebug, Over There, and All the Ways I Love You. All the books were about daddies' nicknames for their babies, daddy being away and hearing daddy's voice. She spent the entire night babbling, "da da da da da" and got so excited when she heard his voice read her a story. I hope these things help keep Daddy present in her mind until he comes home again.
We also made a few videos of him playing with her, reading her a few books, etc. so now she will be able to watch him on the computer or tv
Funny thing is, people say you don't know what you've got until it's gone. For me it is exactly the opposite. While his absence does make me treasure him, I only remember what I've been missing once he comes home. And I know what I've got when we dance in the kitchen and laugh until we're hoarse and sore and talk until the middle of the night. I know what I have and I am tired of being sad.
I had planned to drop him off, cry on the way to school and hit the ground running, but if you know the military, nothing EVER goes the way it was planned. His unit somehow never finalized his plane ticket, so his flight was not paid for and he couldn't board the plane. This meant hours of frantic phone calls and scrambling to get new tickets arranged and paid for. Apparently some dude in Kuwait hung up on him like six times. We resorted to FaceBook messages with his roommate in Iraq from Chad to me through my iPhone to JC at his JSS.
After he got new tickets, he called me around 11 and told me that his orders now didn't match his itinerary. Landing at the commercial Kuwait airport, he was concerned that without correct orders, he would be detained if he didn't have his passport. He could have taken a cab to the house to get his passport, but it would have been costly and risked his missing the next plane. Instead, I found a friend to supervise my class taking a test. I raced home, grabbed the passport, sped to the airport, gave a few more hurried hugs and kisses and then drove back to school. Did it all in 45 minutes! It was a record of some sort, I believe.
All day, I checked my phone repeatedly for the "last" text message. Usually he sends me one last "I love you!" before he is out of American airspace. I heard from him around 4:30 that his phone was dying and his charger didn't seem to be working so he wanted to call and tell me he loved me before his phone ran out of charge. I still had students in my room scrambling to finish late work before the grading period ends so I couldn't get too emotional, but it was hard. I could only reiterate the same flat things we'd already said several times yesterday. That last good-bye feels like it is supposed to be special and emotional, but it really isn't.
We say good-bye pretty much like we would any other morning before work or any other phone call because there aren't words that really grasp the depth of what we were feeling as we ended our phone call. If he doesn't know how much I love him at that point, how much I need him in my life, how much I respect and just flat out LIKE him, then I won't be able to summon some magic words that can convey it over the phone.
I have been too swamped at work to spend a lot of time being sad yesterday or today, but going home last night was sad. Just heading to the empty house was really almost more than I could bear. I called my mom to distract me two stoplights before being home. Then Lil Bit had a mini meltdown. Dealing with her was about all I had in me.
The hardest part of the evening was the silliest thing. I turned on Lil Bit's favorite show, American Idol. She immediately started dancing, clapping and singing back at the TV. In the middle of giggling with her, I started to cry. Daddy wasn't here to watch her, to share knowing looks over her cuteness, and wouldn't be until she is so different than the baby she barely is now.
The other things that have been hard are his watch left on his side of the headboard shelf, a pair of discarded socks on the living room floor, the food in the fridge I won't eat because he likes things "real way too 'picy" as Trent used to say when he was little, the last beer on top of the fridge, or the Captain Crunch cereal I bought to commemorate the death of the Cap'n. Tonight Lil Bit's bedtime stories were, Daddy Calls Me Doodlebug, Over There, and All the Ways I Love You. All the books were about daddies' nicknames for their babies, daddy being away and hearing daddy's voice. She spent the entire night babbling, "da da da da da" and got so excited when she heard his voice read her a story. I hope these things help keep Daddy present in her mind until he comes home again.
We also made a few videos of him playing with her, reading her a few books, etc. so now she will be able to watch him on the computer or tv
Funny thing is, people say you don't know what you've got until it's gone. For me it is exactly the opposite. While his absence does make me treasure him, I only remember what I've been missing once he comes home. And I know what I've got when we dance in the kitchen and laugh until we're hoarse and sore and talk until the middle of the night. I know what I have and I am tired of being sad.
You have spoken in words the feelings in my heart. As a National Guard Army wife no one around me (civilians) get it. I 'm fortunate that my husband is home with me for a few more months, but I think of these things daily when I watch him with our children. My husband has been on active duty orders for nearly a year now. It's very lonely not having anyone close by that understands what its like being a military wife ,and the hardships. I've also been getting alot of unwanted advice from people around us about decisions in our lives,and of whom have really no right to share. Thank you for sharing your heart with us:)
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