Day 169: Alone again

My husband's time home has been and will be pretty busy. Today he drove down to his dad's house to help his sister with sorting through things, organizing the shed, emptying out the house.

My father-in-law had become a pack rat in recent years, perhaps reverting to his youth of poverty where one did not discard anything that might be of use someday. Megan has made significant inroads into discarding junk and selling items of no use to her, but apparently he has a shed full of stuff that is just too much for her to go through alone.

Chad decided to take 24-36 hours to go down to south Texas and help. I know he needs to do it, and it really is the least he can do after she worked so hard emotionally and physically to care for Dad the past year or so, but it is still hard to say good-bye even for a night. When our days are so limited and we've had so little time to just BE together, it was emotional to go to work yesterday and even harder to kiss him good-bye this morning. He did get the baby up this morning and got to see how excited and happy she is first thing in the morning. I've been trying to capture it on video for months, but now he got to see it. I could tell how happy it made him that she squealed and giggled when he came in her room to get her. How can sweet baby giggles be anything but awesome!

I am trying to look at the positives. I can watch all my girlie shows while he is gone tonight and eat healthier than we have been. I can hog the bed all night. He will be back tomorrow, hopefully by the time I get home from school. It is just hard to not have the emotions about missing ANY of his precious hours home, especially when we still don't know if they are going to extend his leave and let him take R&R back to back.

It was hard even leaving school tonight, not having him to rush home for. Wow, all it took was a few days of totally getting spoiled having him home. The baby has been asserting her authority by way of temper tantrum. During an extremely frustrating moment of trying to wash dishes and entertain a baby who was completely finished being entertained by either me or her exersaucer, it occurred to me that I am going to have five months alone again after he leaves. While that is less than I have already done, it feels like forever.

This morning, I was running behind so he dressed the baby. Of course, then the sink was full of dirty dishes piled precariously and the garage was cluttered after his thwarted attempt to clean it which impeded my progress out the door, kinda bringing me back to even, but I got to kiss him good-bye. I got to see him laugh at the sweet baby antics. All day I could text him whenever I wanted and talked to him twice.

This night alone hasn't been tragic, but it wasn't easy. I will be glad when he gets home tomorrow and am still crossing my fingers that they will allow him to tie his R&R to his emergency leave because if they don't, he is back on a plane Friday leaving me and the kids to spend Spring Break without him and frankly, I've had enough time without him. A few more weeks before I am alone again are definitely what the doctor ordered.

I can't wait for our date night. Mmm, all the possibilities of what to do and where to go. Now if I can just keep from freaking out about leaving the baby with a sitter. . .  one hurdle a day. I wouldn't want to be too ambitious now. 

Day 265: Here without you

Today is 100 days since I have seen, held, hugged, touched, kissed my beloved's face.  Many of my non-military friends have husbands go away for a week or two or even a couple of days and they say, "I don't know how you do it!" Today, I feel like I don't know how I do it either. The single parenting thing is really hard, but it isn't even that.

100 days since I watched him smile. 100 days since I watched him walk in the front door, or had to remind him to close his closet all the way. 100 days since I nudged him to roll over because he was snoring. I have been so caught up in just surviving being a mom that I don't have a lot of time to think about missing him, but I do. Even taking a few minutes to think about the things I'm missing is bringing tears to my eyes. I don't want to do another day without him. I want to hear his voice IN PERSON, I want to watch him chop vegetables I won't eat to make some fancy dish that turns out to be pretty awesome. I want to wake up to watching fishing shows on Saturdays, while we wait for the hunting ones to start. I want to not feel half empty all the time.

I was talking about him just a few minutes ago, telling tales on him, and was laughing so hard. He cracks me up. If I had to pick one reason I love him, just one, it would be because he makes me laugh. No matter what, he can find that one story that gets through the bad day and makes me laugh so hard I cackle. Someone sent me this picture today. It made me laugh and think of him. I can see him doing this when he was little. His mom has a picture of him not much older, fishing in a puddle. This made me laugh and want to race home to show him. . . and miss him all the more.

The radio sometimes just plays a song that cuts to my heart. The following song always makes me stop to miss him no matter where I am or what I'm doing. I thought it would be appropriate for this entry. My heart hurts today.


Here Without You lyrics
Songwriters: Roberts, Matt; Harrell, Todd; Arnold, Brad; Henderson, Chris;

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me, yeah

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go, oh yeah yeah

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it's only you and me

Everything I know and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
And when the last one falls, when it's all said and done
It gets hard but it won't take away my love, whoa

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it's only you and me, yeah oh yeah oh

Day 303: Monday, Monday

Today was Monday and I was tired, but I had a choice what attitude I would have. The past week or two, I have just been counting days, struggling against the world, but have I been living?

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived." -Thoreau

I can't spend 365 days waiting for him to come home. Today, I ran late to get to my orthopedic doctor's appointment, which makes me feel crazy, then sat waiting for a hour just to get into the exam room. The nurse took an x-ray of my knee, then told me if the problem ends up being in my hip, I have to call my general doctor for another referral. Of course after two minutes, he tells me I have fluid on my knee and he needs to see an x-ray of my hip too. Lucky me, I have to have two surgeries. I am already imagining the fun this will be with a baby. I ran to the grocery store because we were dangerously low on everything. When I got home, I was rushing to get stuff done before heading to daycare to pick up the baby. I shattered the coffee pot. So I had to make another trip to the store. Or go without coffee . . . HA, yeah, right!

Froggy Bottom Baby

I had all these things go WRONG and came home smiling. I downloaded a Michael Buble song and danced and sang and played with my daughter for an hour, making her giggle over and over. What joy!! I could have spent this afternoon moping and sad and scared and frustrated, but what is it going to solve? Nothing. I am still going to have to figure out what to do with the baby on crutches and have six-twelve weeks of recovery time. I would have wasted some precious hours with Lil Bit if I let my attitude get down.

Another friend of mine has been struggling with what to do during her husband's first deployment. She was great as a wife, but has been some one's daughter, girlfriend, fiance, wife, not yet a woman. She doesn't know who she is. She has been trying to fill her time with stuff, jogging, dining out, maybe a part time job, but deep down, she knows she needs to fill that void with HER. Whatever she needs to do to figure out how to live deliberately.

None of us want to realize when we come to die that we have not lived. But sometimes it is hard to find a way to live deliberately. Be in the moment. Worry about now the most. Keep the future in perspective. You have to think about it, you have to plan for it, but you don't have to worry quite so much. Find one thing to smile about and hold onto it as long as you can. Crying will happen, it is part of life and living it, just don't let it be what fills your time until tomorrow. Live deliberately friends, otherwise, you're just not living.