Day 291: Not SuperMom

Well, I asked for help today. I bribed my babysitter with a box of baby clothes (she's pregnant) to come over this afternoon and help with the baby while I cleaned house. She came over and promptly told me I was crazy, the house didn't need cleaning. While I knew it really did, I realized then that I had managed to do a good enough job this week picking up little by little that I didn't have too much to do. I still found things that I wanted to do to feel good about the house before I opened my home for a party, but I am really very proud that I managed to clean the house, take care of the baby and throw a party while being exhausted from a long week and fighting a cough/cold/sore throat combo pack.

Woo hoo - I rock! It wasn't all easy and I will be eating left overs for the entire week, but I did it. The house is immaculate. My friend Danielle and her friend Brittany stayed and did all the glasses and clean up which would have taken me forever with a fussy baby. I really appreciated that. I will still have some clean up and putting away of things tomorrow, but almost none.

This week I also had a lot of evenings where I got to sit and play with my beautiful daughter instead of feeling like I was running around like crazy. It was amazing! I was organized and figured out some tricks to keeping ahead of the day to day tasks. I am sure that the rough stuff is not behind me, but I am welcoming the break. Maybe I am finally getting a handle on this single mom stuff? I don't know, but my baby is asleep, my dog is snuggled in her bed, the house smells like cinnamon and pecan pie. I am pleasantly wiped out after a fun night with the girls and a sink full of different wines.

My daughter was happy and smiling all night. She was laughing and crinkling her nose at all the girls for hours. She easily went to everyone for hugs and snuggles. She played contentedly in her bouncer or play gym. While she did keep an eye on me, she felt secure and happy even in unfamiliar company.  And then happily clung to me when she started feeling drowsy.

I may not be "SuperMom", but I think there are days I am A super mom. While I held my Lil Bit tonight and rocked her to sleep, I wondered what she would remember of me from her childhood. Today I was silly with her, multi-tasking like a pro, laughing and smiling, trying to make even the little things fun. I don't know if her happy disposition is how she was born, but I hope that the way I love her and the silly way I sing and dance and make faces from across the room is part of why she is such a delightful child. I have no idea how much is DNA and how much is MOM but I am really proud of how well I am doing as a woman and "single"mom.

I hope when I next have a rough day, I can remember that today I felt good.

Day 321: Fumes AGAIN

Last night, I ran and ran desperately trying to get my "have to's" done early enough to relax and enjoy the baby and evening. Lil Bit wet the bed yesterday morning so first thing was get a load of laundry going, then pull out my new video camera and get it charging. So glad I did. Lil Bit was jumping in her Jumperoo for the first time! She is still just shy of tall enough, but she found if she scoots onto one cheek, she can reach with one foot and off she went. She was bouncing and bouncing. It was so much fun to watch her having fun.

Trying to put clean sheets on her mattress is a major undertaking. Either I have to remove her crib bumper or maneuver around it. Taking it off the crib means painstakingly reattaching it. Of course the tiny ties are not spaced so that they fall on a rail regularly and are difficult to tie neatly. So much fun!! If I try to work around the bumper, it is almost just as much work to try to get the snug mattress out of the crib and back in. I need a shoe horn to slide the mattress into the crib without the bumper. 

I had laundry to fold, some sewing repairs to do on the outfit I am wearing today, so kinda had to be done and the regular evening chores. Didn't crawl into bed until 11 despite being in my pjs around 9. And I don't know why, but she has been waking up early every day for two weeks. Fall asleep past 11 because I am all hyped up and am woken by whining around 4:30. I am sure I will survive, but man it takes a toll. What did Murtaugh say in "Lethal Weapon" - "I am too old for this . . ."

It just adds up and by Thursday, I am a wreck. I want to visit with my stepsons soon, but don't know how I will have the energy to drive seven hours on Friday and Sunday to pick them up and drop them off. I would almost stay in a hotel, but then I have to have something to do with the dog. 

I know it all fades in comparison to what my dear husband is going through. He is faced with a million discomforts and seemingly insurmountable challenges daily. I can't even imagine. He struggles with superiors with whom he may not always agree or feel appreciated by and subordinates who may not always follow orders or appreciate how hard he works for them. In some ways I do understand the latter. I spend all day with students and sometimes wonder if any of them really hear me or understand why I teach. If I didn't care, I could just sit here and do crazy things with them and my life would be easier.

But no, I design lessons that tie skills into previous knowledge and try to make authentic assessments. I try to give students inspiration to achieve their goals and overcome obstacles. And then I come across a child, who has given up, who sees no point in caring about him/herself. It breaks my heart. 

I feel like I am trying to be Super Teacher/Wife/Mother/step-mother/friend/WOMAN and just can't. But what do I put down? What ball do I let drop? To whom do I say, sorry, you lose? I can't do it all, but also can't make myself tell someone, I just can't find time for you. My step-sons - love them and miss them so much, but how do I take 14 hours away from the house, dog, baby, self to drive to get them? I guess this is being a grown up. 

We all look forward to the freedom adulthood promises, and find the responsibilities are more daunting than we always anticipated, but by then it is too late; we have gone and grown up.

I have papers and papers I am not grading. I have to pick up that ball before I get fired, so better go. My PE juggling class in high school should have been more realistic. No one has ever shoved three bean bags in my face and asked me to keep them in the air, but what I do everyday certainly feels more like juggling than any other time in my life.