Day 321: Fumes AGAIN

Last night, I ran and ran desperately trying to get my "have to's" done early enough to relax and enjoy the baby and evening. Lil Bit wet the bed yesterday morning so first thing was get a load of laundry going, then pull out my new video camera and get it charging. So glad I did. Lil Bit was jumping in her Jumperoo for the first time! She is still just shy of tall enough, but she found if she scoots onto one cheek, she can reach with one foot and off she went. She was bouncing and bouncing. It was so much fun to watch her having fun.

Trying to put clean sheets on her mattress is a major undertaking. Either I have to remove her crib bumper or maneuver around it. Taking it off the crib means painstakingly reattaching it. Of course the tiny ties are not spaced so that they fall on a rail regularly and are difficult to tie neatly. So much fun!! If I try to work around the bumper, it is almost just as much work to try to get the snug mattress out of the crib and back in. I need a shoe horn to slide the mattress into the crib without the bumper. 

I had laundry to fold, some sewing repairs to do on the outfit I am wearing today, so kinda had to be done and the regular evening chores. Didn't crawl into bed until 11 despite being in my pjs around 9. And I don't know why, but she has been waking up early every day for two weeks. Fall asleep past 11 because I am all hyped up and am woken by whining around 4:30. I am sure I will survive, but man it takes a toll. What did Murtaugh say in "Lethal Weapon" - "I am too old for this . . ."

It just adds up and by Thursday, I am a wreck. I want to visit with my stepsons soon, but don't know how I will have the energy to drive seven hours on Friday and Sunday to pick them up and drop them off. I would almost stay in a hotel, but then I have to have something to do with the dog. 

I know it all fades in comparison to what my dear husband is going through. He is faced with a million discomforts and seemingly insurmountable challenges daily. I can't even imagine. He struggles with superiors with whom he may not always agree or feel appreciated by and subordinates who may not always follow orders or appreciate how hard he works for them. In some ways I do understand the latter. I spend all day with students and sometimes wonder if any of them really hear me or understand why I teach. If I didn't care, I could just sit here and do crazy things with them and my life would be easier.

But no, I design lessons that tie skills into previous knowledge and try to make authentic assessments. I try to give students inspiration to achieve their goals and overcome obstacles. And then I come across a child, who has given up, who sees no point in caring about him/herself. It breaks my heart. 

I feel like I am trying to be Super Teacher/Wife/Mother/step-mother/friend/WOMAN and just can't. But what do I put down? What ball do I let drop? To whom do I say, sorry, you lose? I can't do it all, but also can't make myself tell someone, I just can't find time for you. My step-sons - love them and miss them so much, but how do I take 14 hours away from the house, dog, baby, self to drive to get them? I guess this is being a grown up. 

We all look forward to the freedom adulthood promises, and find the responsibilities are more daunting than we always anticipated, but by then it is too late; we have gone and grown up.

I have papers and papers I am not grading. I have to pick up that ball before I get fired, so better go. My PE juggling class in high school should have been more realistic. No one has ever shoved three bean bags in my face and asked me to keep them in the air, but what I do everyday certainly feels more like juggling than any other time in my life.