Day 22: Balance

I've struggled with my weight my whole adult life. I think my genetic make-up predisposes me to being heavy. I can eat the same things as my family or friends and gain weight while they stay rail thin. I've watched people around me gorge themselves on all sorts of garbage while I restrict myself to healthy choices, but I gain and gain.

After having the hand, foot, mouth disease and being so sick to my stomach that I couldn't really eat, I lost 12-14 lbs. And decided to use my last remaining weeks to diet so I could feel like I at least look better than I did when he left, if only marginally.

I went to an old "friend," Sparkpeople  and went back onto my diet plan that I started last August unsuccessfully. I've been using it on and off for a few years. It works if I do it. But it is a struggle sometimes to take the time to type in my food each meal and record each fitness activity.

The calorie tracker is really nice and relatively easy to use. Almost any food I've eaten is in there, I just have to choose portion size add it to the meal I'm eating. If I eat at a friend's, I guess based on size of whatever we ate and figure trying to keep track of my calories is better than not. Last weekend, I put in a portion of lasagna, brownies, cookies, etc. and guessed, but putting it down helped me gauge how far I needed to run the next morning!

I have found that when I know I'm going to type it into my food tracker for the day, I'm much more likely to exercise some self-control. I find it easier to walk away from the brownie with sprinkles when I know exactly how many calories I have left for the day. A 200 calorie brownie doesn't sound like much, but when my calorie range is 1200-1500 a day, that is half a meal.

I'm much more aware of how quickly calories add up when I'm counting them. Recently I find that I'm struggling with eating enough calories. According to my fitness goals, I'm supposed to eat a minimum of 1200 calories. But somehow in my head, I struggle to even reach that number most days. Eating too little can cause my body to go into starvation mode and I would end up gaining more weight and putting my metabolism into an even bigger tail spin.

I just feel so much pressure to lose some weight in the week or so I have left before my husband comes home. I have lost 17 lbs. in less than a month now, but it doesn't feel like enough when I still look in the mirror and see fat. I know 17 lbs. really is quite a bit for less than four weeks, and I'm not complaining, but when it is the tip of the iceberg, somehow it just doesn't feel like enough. And I'm struggling to lose as much as I can safely so I don't gain it all back the week he comes home.

I've spent the entire year doing just that. I diet really well and lose a few pounds, then I cheat for the weekend or holiday or vacation and then diet again, then cheat again. I've lost the same 10 lbs. over and over. Today was the lowest weight I've been since he left last August by 3 pounds. But I would like to lose another 30 to be at a weight I would feel more comfortable at and 50 to be where I was in college.

I'm hoping to get to a nice round 20 lbs. lost before he comes home, just because it sounds like so much more than 17. He won't care. If I had lost 60 lbs., he would have noticed, but twenty, he probably won't notice, especially since it isn't much lower than when he was home for R&R, at least not much lower than when he got here. R&R kind of tanked my diet and when he left, I was exactly back to where I'd been when he left. It kills me that two weeks of normal eating and drinking more often than usual, but not too extremely undoes months of work.

I'm determined not to sabotage myself this time. I want to eat and drink and not be a fuddy duddy, but I'm going to try to stay on my calories with food and limit alcohol. I'm going to have fun for a couple of days and then back on the diet I go, which unfortunately means no booze. I really miss a glass of wine in the evenings. But here I am 40 and 30-40 lbs. over weight and miserable about it all the time. I miss feeling good about myself. Heck, I'd settle for not feeling like a freak.

So, I'm snacking on a bag of Pop Smart popcorn to get close to my 1200 calories for the day. I know he won't care if I lose another 3 lbs. He will be so glad just to be home, but maybe I'm really doing this for myself for once, so I feel comfortable in clothes that aren't the size of circus tents and can enjoy outings with my friends without feeling so noticeably different than my size 0 friends.

I just need to be careful not to go too crazy the other direction and be so swept up with how I look I forget to be concerned about what stringent dieting could do to my long term health. It is like most things I've learned, balance. You have to find the balance. Too much one way or the other and everything falls apart. As a military wife, we don't have a lot of balance. We either have our husband home every night or even on leave for weeks at a time or he is gone for a year. We either have all our friends and family or are thousands of miles away. Being able to find happiness in this off kilter lifestyle is about balancing. I go crazy and am super wifey, luvy duvy girlie when he's home, then I can be super independent chica when he leaves. Balance - I just have to apply it to the rest of my life too. 

Day 32: Night out

A friend of mine from school invited me for a girl's night in. We had dinner, a little wine, and talked, played games, etc. When she planned the get together, I was still sick as a dog and just couldn't plan how I'd feel minute to minute, so I didn't plan on going.

But this week I decided that I felt decent enough to try to search out a babysitter. I have left her about four or five times so far in her life, two of those times were date nights with my husband and two were doctor/dentist appointments. She had a sitter for a few hours for a my same friend's bachelorette party/bridal shower. Tonight would be six times she's been watched since she was born, and you could maybe add another three or four trips to the grocery store, errands, etc. while we were visiting family or they were here. In 15 months, I think I've left her less than 9 or 10 times at all, not including daycare.

I thought after spending the whole summer with her, I deserved to take a few hours with friends, and I certainly did. I was gone for 5 hours, from 5-10ish. But it was hard for me to leave her. I spent the afternoon playing with her, feeling guilty for leaving. Around ten I started missing her face. The only reason I wasn't home earlier was because the girls got me talking about how much I love her, love being a mom.

I know my mom didn't spend all day every day just sitting around playing with us. She spent more of her time cleaning house, doing laundry, cooking, running errands, but I feel guilty when my attention is taken away from her at all. Some of my responsibilities mean I spend an hour or so researching on the computer or shopping online so that I don't have to drag her into the 110 degree heat or paying bills.

I really spend very little time cooking or cleaning while she's awake, and try to be really present with her. After all of June and July with her, I thought taking one night would be easy, but it wasn't. I felt lonely for her after a few hours. I needed the night out. It was so nice to have some hours that I wasn't focused on her. I had a couple glasses of wine, sat and talked with friends without worrying what she was breaking, getting into, or more recently climbing! She is going to be my little monkey for sure!

I needed the break, but also feel guilty for needing the break. I liked having a bit of adult freedom away from the baby, but really struggled with leaving her with a relative stranger since we don't spend a lot of time with the young neighbor girl. I wonder how it will feel after my husband comes home. Will it be easier to leave her for a few hours with my husband or harder because I'm sharing her attention?

I got home and found my little sneaky pete sitting on the couch, just pleased as punch with herself. The sitter tried to put her to bed twice, but Lil Bit is a manipulative little cuss and started screaming. Being 14, she just didn't know that she was getting played. After we walked her home, I just took her into her crib, put her down and walked out. She didn't make a peep. But that also felt good, like she needed mommy. The night out felt nice, but coming home to a warm smile and big hugs and kisses felt awesome.

Balancing myself as a woman and person with who I am as mommy has been pretty hard this deployment, but she gives me a reason to be and frankly, she is so freakin' cool that it is hard to put her to bed most nights. I just wanna see what she does next. Deployment is hard, but it gave me a year to bond with my little girl in a way that I won't ever forget, even if she doesn't really remember it. Of course, I would trade it for being able to share it with her daddy, but since I can't, I feel amazingly blessed to have gotten this time with her.

Day 161: His and hers

Today was our his/hers day. The baby went to daycare. He took the boys and went hunting. I went to the spa. He bought me a gift certificate for Valentine's Day thinking that he would be home so I could feel like I could use it and not have to find someone to watch the baby.

But in the end, taking a day for myself took time away from us and his hunting plans will take at least a day away from us, so we decided to do both things on the same day to decrease the time away from each other. I planned last week for my relaxation day. I had a deep therapeutic massage, facial and much needed hair cut. I got a short "mom" bob not too long after she was born thinking it would be so much easier, but it was actually harder. I had to do my hair everyday instead of being able to pull it back in a clip or up in a ponytail or even just brush it and slide in a headband. So I've let it grow out for almost a year. It was time for a trim and some layering.

Chad got the boys up and ready to leave this morning. He even got Lil Bit dressed and fed, letting me sleep in. We had a rough night last night. She was up at least four or five times. I got up with her three and I think Chad got up with her at least once, but I can't be sure he didn't get up twice. Either way I was really tired and he let me get an extra hour of sleep. I still was tired enough to doze off during my treatments. One of the times I dozed, I was thinking about going to school the day Chad returns to Iraq. I felt myself starting to cry and kind of jolted myself out of sleep.

I thought how awful it is that many of the things we argue about or struggle with are really a part of the things the army brings into our lives. We parcel out our precious days, trying to fit in everyone and everything, trying to get enough of daddy in our lives to sustain us for the next five months. It really made me angry. Last night his youngest son was all over him, he was close enough to be glue. He spent the entire day stuck to his dad. They went grocery shopping together, cooked together, cleaned up together and then we sat down to watch TV. I wanted to hold my husband's hand, snuggle and he was right there, literally smashed into the corner just to be next to his dad. It is so sad to seem him so lonely for his dad. On the other hand, daddy and I need time together too. It just isn't enough time for everyone to get what they need.

The first week of his emergency leave was all travel, hectic, emotional, family, awful and gave us no time to connect. The amount of time it takes for him to wind down enough to talk to me, get close to me is so long that we were in the same house, but might as well have been across the world from each other in many ways. Then we came home and I had to go to work everyday. He took a couple of days to help with his dad's things, but we had a couple of evenings, yet it took us most of the week to get to an emotional place we could even really talk. I had tons of work to do and he had agendas as well. Now the boys are here and they need to spend time with daddy, hugs and tickles and GUY stuff too. But it leaves me left out.

There are only so many days left before he is gone again and we never know when or even if he might make it home. I can't let him go feeling like we have so many pieces of ourselves to put back together. It was nice to take a day to take care of myself. I am glad he is getting to do something so important to him, but I really wish we didn't have to count the seconds all the time, parceling out moments like jewels. I just wish we could spend enough time together to have the chance to get sick of each other, to feel like we had enough time to love each other.

Most couples will never know what it feels like to live and love with a swinging clock overhead. Unless you're in it, it is hard to understand the little parts of reintegrating into the family and relationship that make it hard to do in two week periods. It feels like cramming a marathon into a 100 yard dash. It can't be done and everyone ends up feeling mildly disappointed.

I knew I was financially "rich" the day I walked into Walmart without carrying my calculator (I have low expectations). I will feel emotionally rich when I don't have to think about how many days he has left, when I don't ask myself every weekend if this is his "last" chance to do . . .x, y, z before leaving AGAIN. I can't wait for the day when my husband and I have so much time together we won't have to balance his/hers days or count the days or cry with lonliness anymore. I am already feeling sick to my stomach about his leaving next week. It is a really hard life. Most people can't do it. Most marriages don't survive it. After so many deployments, trainings, schools, etc. I am starting to understand why.

We suck it up, we carefully wall ourselves off, even from each other in order to survive, but it gets so tiring so always play this his/hers game when we got married so we could be an US.

Day 300: Balance

Part of surviving a deployment is knowing how to love your spouse from afar and how to ask for what you need. The trick is sometime what you need is not what he is in a position to give emotionally or time wise, and what he needs may not be what you can give and be OK yourself. It is a really tough tightrope act to be able to find the right balance for yourself and as a couple.

One of the issues are how often to be in contact. It took my husband and I two deployments I think to get this right and sometimes we're still not on the same page. When I have days I just want to hear his voice, he may be on a 24 hour instant recall immediate response duty and not have the time or ability to wait in line for the phone. Sometimes he waits in long lines and calls, ready to talk and I am busy or not home or in the middle of something and don't feel like talking. I had to learn when to just decide to stop and take the time whether I was in the mood or not. While that sounds cold, other military wives might understand that I always love him, always want him to know that, but I sometimes get into a zone where I am doing ok, surviving, feeling good about myself and life and hearing his voice just destroys me.  One, "Hey," and all my survival walls come tumbling down. When he pauses and quietly says, "I miss you," it breaks my heart and makes me ache to hold him so much more. But, he is the one who has given up everything to defend our country, so I take the time even if it makes the rest of my day harder.

The guys sometimes just don't understand our point of view any more than we can understand theirs. I am in charge of all the finances in our household. My husband never ran up a debt he couldn't pay, but he was often down to his last penny. I will run up the credit card every month and pay it off every month so we are never charged a finance charge and get airline miles or cash back also. I was the one who saved up the $40,000 to adopt Lil Bit by budgeting our salaries over a couple of years. He knows it makes more sense for me to be in charge of our money, but other spouses try to control their wives' spending from Iraq. They call asking why she spent $40 at The Gap last week or $25 at Olive Garden. The wives aren't generally spending too much more than when the guys were home, but now he has no other way to keep tabs on her and every purchase reminds him that he isn't there to see her new outfit or try that bottle of wine with her.

They need reassurance that our lives haven't moved past them. That we aren't so independent that we won't need them when they come home. That when they have days so tough we can't imagine and the only thought that keeps them going is us, that we love them back that much too. I am a firm believer in get to the root of a problem, not just the symptom. Is he really angry about the money? If so, then cut back. Create a budget together and then if you find ways to save on utilities or groceries, that is your sock money for extras. Is he angry because he is jealous you are still living when he is stuck in the armpit of the world? Then reassure him that you wish he were here living with you. Tell him, often, that you can't wait to take that trip to wine country with him or try a special restaurant together and create a special fund for those things that he can see grow.

Most of the arguments my husband and I have had while he is deployed is because we only talk or email about once a week. He gets into his head and hatches plans and ideas that don't mesh with my plans and ideas I've been hatching in the meantime. Neither of our plans necessarily preclude the others, but it takes some practice to get back on the same page. You just have to know that especially so far apart, balance is crucial. Take a second and decide if it is worth even debating or if you can compromise or if it is really a non-issue that you're about to argue over due to emotions and stress.

Be selfish so you can survive the separation and still let him know he is loved. Give him attention and your time whenever he can work it in because I guarantee it is 100% harder for him to find the time to phone that it is for you to take the time to answer it. Take a few minutes a week to let him know how important he is and how much he is missed. Don't spend too much time blubbering, it will scare him into feeling like you won't be there when he comes home or that you're not OK. Find a good middle ground for him and you. Balance - a little bit you and a little bit me, and you should do just fine.

351

Well the lawn was looking kinda dry and dead and I just don't have a ton of time to run out and set up sprinklers and water it. Thank you God for the rain! I will try to remember how grateful I am tonight when I am trying to run errands in it.


In the flash flood worthy downpour, I park too close to the curb to get the stroller next to the car and can't figure out a better way to get Lil Bit into the doctor's office without becoming drenched. So I am balancing my purse, diaper bag, umbrella, shot records, blanket and car seat while stepping in muddy grass puddles and steering my very large stroller poorly. And this was only the first errand. Then we had to run into Walgreen's to pick up the photos for her birth mother's package this month and into UPS to mail it. I didn't do it, but I wished that I had someone with me to sit in the car with her. But no, I dragged her in and out, in and out and then into the grocery store. My left arm is getting very strong.

The lawn needed watering, the pool needed filling. I guess other than getting a bit wet myself, today was a good day. It is just inconvenient with a baby. Everything takes twice as much planning and coordination. For someone who already over plans everything, trying to stave off chaos, this may not bring out the best side of my personality.

I can see myself becoming totally OCD; however, I am often too tired to be too obsessive compulsive. It is all about balance, so I think about being neurotically organized, while I try to decide if the crumbs on the counter are going to attract ants. By the time I decide the crumbs are gross, I have three other things to do in the kitchen and can totally multi-task my neuroses! Everything has an upside.

Still sick and so exhausted that I can barely keep my eyes open so I am going to cut this short. Just another day in the life. I did see that someone in Kuwait was reading my blog - so Hi Honey!! Stay safe and we love you!