Day 263: I found it!

It took a little looking, but somewhere between cheesy, heart string tugging Hallmark movies and my daughter's sweet smile, I found my Christmas spirit. I think Lil Bit was hiding it the whole time, just waiting for me to want it. This morning when I peeked into her crib to find her playing and she looked up a me with that big, nose-crinkling grin, I just knew I had to "do" Christmas this year, even with her dad deployed.

I know I talked a big game about skipping it this year, not decorating, refusing to acknowledge the holidays are here without him. I knew I was trying to talk myself out of feeling guilty about being too tired to decorate. This is Lil Bit's first Christmas and she won't remember any of it. Best case scenario, she may vaguely remember her Christmas 2012 when she is 2 1/2. But somehow, I couldn't go even one year without giving her all the joy of sparkling lights and jingling bells.

The tree was too heavy for me to get down the narrow attic stairs and it took five trips up and down to get down a couple of boxes of decorations, just enough to add a few charming touches around the living room. My house does not look like Christmas threw up, maybe just burped a little. Although, HEB and Walmart may help me add a few more touches. The deer skull needs something . . .

I don't know if she has noticed the colorful lights on the mantel or the pretty stockings hung by the chimney with care, but I have these silly, nutcracker bell ringers that turn and ding Christmas carols. I have had them since 1993; they still work. I wish I had been filming when I turned them on the first time. Oooh, her eyes grew three sizes and her smiles was too priceless.

It was completely worth all the hassle to see her so enjoying these toys. We listened to them for an hour and I sang all the lyrics. It was great. I guess I realized today that this isn't about me now, it is about creating a magical childhood full of memories for her like my parents did for me. My sisters and I had a precious moments Nativity sets. Mom would take our baby Jesuses until Christmas Eve. When she would sneak into our rooms to tie our stockings onto our bedposts (kept us busy in our rooms eating chocolate and opening toys until a reasonable parent waking hour), she would put Jesus in the middle of the scene being carefully watched by Mary and Joseph. That is a tradition I would like to continue with her. Also the wrapping of the participants of the Nativity in newsprint. We had a separate Nativity set for the living room and Dad would read the Bible as we would race to figure out who had which figure to place in the scene. We heard the true Christmas story and had family fun together. My parents really got that right. I can't wait to pass those traditions down to her.

Also, Thursday morning, the Austin radio station I listen to was having a power hour raising money for Bikes for Kids. Each donation goes toward the purchase of a brand new Trek bike for a deserving, underprivileged child in Central Texas. The charity is really great. Everything is donated, the bikes, the labor, the venues for fund raising, etc. Every penny you donate goes toward a bike. Every year I want to donate, but end up finding a cause closer to me personally. This year, feeling very grinch-like, I decided just to do it. Nothing warms up a lonely heart like giving. So, this Christmas morning a child will have a brand new bike from "Santa". When we celebrate our late holiday with Chad's boys and mom and Dadve, the first thing I want the boys to open is a picture of the bike "they" gave to someone who had nothing to look forward to this year. Christmas is all about the precious gift our Lord gave to us in the form of His son, our Savior. I want them to know that giving is so much more important. It warmed my heart to think about those awesome bikes and that I was a part of it this year. A bike, lock, helmet costs $150. These are nice Trek bikes that retail for $190-299 without lock or helmet, but are donated by the company at cost, put together by Mellow Johnny's and distributed before Christmas. If you want to be part of this amazing charity, click on the link. JB and Sandy's Bikes for Kids $5 helps. Giving feels good and they've been doing this for 14 years. Pretty awesome.

Once I started thinking about the amazing legacy of holiday memories, emotions, and traditions that my parents gave me, including giving and the truest meaning of CHRISTmas, I realized I couldn't give her or the boys anything less, even if it isn't convenient. Just a minute ago, she was jumping in her jumperoo and noticed the lights and stockings above her. She may never be able to verbally recall this holiday, but maybe her heart will remember the warmth and love that flowed through the house during the Christmas season.

Chad's absence was felt more powerfully today. I have cried more this afternoon than the entire deployment so far. Lil Bit doesn't distinguish between the laughing and crying face yet, so she just giggles at me. She knows his voice thanks to the recordable book, but she won't remember him. I just hope that when he comes home, she likes him as much as her mommy does. Then maybe she'll understand why I miss him so much today.



CD's and maybe the music will seep into her mind and heart like it has mine. Listening to the bell ringing nutcrackers today I realized how many lyrics were rattling around in my brain that I don't know how I know except that Mom played them. As a "single" mom, I am way too busy to mess with decorating and baking, etc. But as a MOM, I need to create holiday magic for her that she will carry on to her children someday. Again as I considered today the massive responsibility of parenthood, I also thought about the joy I get to live through her. Thus, the finding of my holiday spirit. Merry Christmas season. Hope you throw your inner grinch to the curb and find your Christmas cheer.

Day 267: Scrooge?

I am not a Griswold super crazy Christmas person, but I LOVE the holidays. I decorate and turn on the tree lights every night. I drink warm cider by the fire and read books snuggled up on the couch. I make my family's traditional Christmas cookies and start shopping in October. I play Christmas carols and sing loudly and terribly. I love the sappy Hallmark movies and have watched them all. I DVR them and watch them later if I can't watch immediately. I cry at the end of most of them even when I could have predicted the ending five minutes in.

Then my husband gets deployed, and I turn into a bit of a Scrooge! I don't want to decorate, or bake, or shop. I tried really hard to get into the spirit, but I just couldn't. Here it is, almost December and I just want to close my eyes and pretend Christmas isn't happening. I want the vacation and the cold weather, but to me the holiday is all about family, being close with the people you love, and emotionally I struggle when he is gone. As is true of so many things, it just isn't any fun without him. Even when he struggles with being a scrooge himself, just being together is always better.

I know Punkin Doodle (not sure where this nickname came from, but it makes her laugh) deserves a real Christmas holiday, full of smells and songs and lights, but I just can't muster up any energy to decorate or much holiday spirit. Maybe as it gets closer, I will have a desire to decorate, but she is already almost crawling and right now a tree is just one more thing for her to get into. We'll be traveling to my sister's house, who will have a tree and decorations, but our late celebration with the boys and the in-laws again will be barren at this point.

I hate feeling so blue around the holidays. It is my favorite time of the year. I love the crisp air and bright lights against frosted greenery, the smell of cinnamon and baking bread, Bing Crosby singing "White Christmas"and snuggling cozy by the fireplace surrounded by my family and friends. I just wish I could muster up more spirit. Maybe I will once I recover from Thanksgiving, but so far not much luck there.

My heart wants to be full of holiday cheer, but I am feeling more like a scrooge. Does it make me a scrooge if I let it go this year? Next time he deploys, she will be old enough that I will need to decorate for her. She will remember that Christmas, but this year she won't yet understand and will still be full of love and fun if not boughs of holly. I just hate feeling like my first Christmas with her is a bust, but feel just too wiped out to do anything. I had two venti Starbucks and still feel fairly comatose. I just waited so long to be a wonderful mom and worry that I am cheating her. Am I a Scrooge?

Day 277: Packing list

Gearing up for the holidays! The past few years, I have been alone for Thanksgiving. Last year, Chad had Sniper school and left early November. I went to a friend's family dinner. I was glad for the invitation and it was a nice day, but nothing can replace spending the holidays with family. The year before I went to a different friend's holiday dinner too. I could have traveled home, but the expense just didn't seem worth it for a few short days at home and the long traveling days. The plane ticket, parking the car, boarding the dog. By the time all is said and done, this trip home for 4 days will cost about $700. My mom in law helped with some of the expense, but it is a lot for a short trip.

This year it is going to be a bigger hassle trying to travel with the Lil Britches, but also more important that we visit friends and family back home. She is changing so much; almost everyday I notice something new she is doing. Living so far away from everyone, I really miss being able to share that with everyone. I also can't wait to have a few extra hands. My mother-in-law and her husband and my mom will all be plenty happy to let me have a few days with emptier hands. While today I spent a few hours just holding her while she napped, (btw a total angel) it will also be nice to have a little freedom.

Following my own organizational advice, while putting laundry away today, I laid out her clothes for this week, the first couple of days of the week, and her outfits for our trip. But it's all the little things I need to pack for her and myself that make me crazy. I have so many tiny details to remember and how to have it all accessible for our long stop in Dallas. Plus, never having traveled with her, I worry about taking carry-ons and such. I think I am going to have to pull out the mommy purse for sure, but also diaper bag AND briefcase so I can take my computer.

This is getting complicated. Mmm, I am going to have to give this some thought. Hopefully, I will be able to get it all done tomorrow and be able to have everything packed. I would love to just keep out what I need for Monday and Tuesday and have the suitcase sitting ready to go. We'll see.  I am trying not to get stressed or worried and just go with the flow. If I can keep myself chill, it will be a big step for me as a person.

I have always been someone who makes lists of the necessary lists. And sometimes agonizes over organizing. Luckily, my mother-in-law has taken care of so much so I can mostly pack clothes and hit the road. It will be hard to go to work this week for just two days. I can't even imagine how hard it will be for my students. We are taking a test that takes both days, so hopefully it will help keep them calm. Gonna be torture for me though. I am hoping the test goes well, but watching them take it is going to be SO boring.

See my problem~! I start thinking about one thing that I am worried about and the next thing I know my whole brain is going on all the stuff in the recesses of my over multi-tasked mind. I can't wait for a vacation.

Day 353: Lonely

Today is a really rough entry because there isn't any one focus area. I feel a little bipolar - up, then down, up, then down, stressed and wiped, then worried and lonely. I don't know that I have felt much of anything consistently today except tired.

The reality of his being gone is starting to seep in. A week is just another day in the life of a military wife at this point, but the second week starts to feel real. They leave and the first few days feel a little surreal, like you just won the "I get the remote/no sharing the covers" lottery. After I get my first real cry in, the peace and calm feels a little nice, some "me" time, but that doesn't last very long. About two weeks into the deployment, something happens. For me it feels like a thunderstorm slowly crawling over the landscape. At first, the sky barely seems to darken, happening so gradually, that you're not sure when it got so dark, but then next thing you know, the rain starts to pour down on my "me" picnic.

The tears haven't started yet, but I know they are looming. I am fighting them off with finally watching "Twilight," a guilty leisure activity and I pay-per-viewed New Moon. And I'm trying not to stuff myself with frozen pizza and bread sticks. This is just the first of various holiday weekends that I will be alone.

I have a good set of caring people around me, but it isn't the same. He and I fit like two pieces cut from the same piece of wood. Our strange edges that lock us out of belonging from others are what bring us together. I am now the odd one out, third wheel, now with a new convenient travel companion. All the fun single girl type things I could do last deployment are now pretty much out of the question. Even when I have someone offer to watch Lil Bit, I can't imagine leaving her for even a few hours.

Tomorrow, she turns four months. She is too little for cake and ice cream celebrations, but the idea makes me realize that Chad will miss her actual first birthday and the missing him, his missing her makes the tears come . . .

Here comes the rain again
Falling on my head like a memory
Falling on my head like a new emotion
I want to walk in the open wind
I want to talk like lovers do
I want to dive into your ocean
Is it raining with you

and this song feels like the tears raining down. I hope he knows I am thinking of him right now.