Day 16: Flexibility

So, we got our call Sunday night, but didn't get our second call when we should have, so now we don't have any idea when he will be home.

We're trying to plan a celebration for when he comes home. We're trying to plan for family to visit. Some are coming in from out of town, some from out of state.

Planning anything with the military is pretty hit or miss. We can't plan a vacation. Trying to coordinate physical custody of his children is interesting. We can make plans to have the boys for a holiday weekend only to find that he has field exercises or a school that is mandatory he attend. We wanted to take a special trip for our anniversary, but his unit won't give him leave. We're limited to the long weekend.

But flexibility takes on a whole new meaning when you're waiting for your soldier to come home from Iraq or Afghanistan. The civilian world plans months in advance. Sometimes events are planned years in advance. When we got married, I was waiting for Chad to come home from Iraq. He was supposed to be home in October, but his tour was 15 months instead of twelve, so when they shortened it, the changes left everything undecided. Instead of December, we were hoping October, but they might extend his tour so, planning a wedding became much more complicated. I tried to pick a date that would be after he got home, but also after his three weeks of mandatory reintegration training too. Talk about frustrating. What if he had to work on our wedding day? What if his leave was different?

Everything worked out just fine, but it was strange to a lot of my civilian friends that we couldn't plan a wedding date. Just as it is strange to people now that we don't know when he will be home for sure and once we know, we can't tell people. A lot of people who don't live in this lifestyle just don't understand having to basically live in limbo all the time.

There are no firm plans. We booked a hotel room, planned a weekend, around my half-marathon in 2010. Then he got assigned funeral duty and spent months being at the literal beck and call of the military at least once a week, sometimes twice, performing military honors for retired veterans.

It is hard. I think the waiting would be easier with a specific day and time to mentally prepare for, but that isn't what we get. We make tentative plans and hope for the best. We hurry up and wait A LOT! We cancel plans, make the best of things, miss holidays often. My birthday is Wednesday. I'm turning (gasp) 40. It is a big birthday and I would like to have my husband home to celebrate it, but there is nothing I can do but be flexible and hope for the best. I'm throwing in a few wishes and prayers while I'm at it. 

Day 22: Balance

I've struggled with my weight my whole adult life. I think my genetic make-up predisposes me to being heavy. I can eat the same things as my family or friends and gain weight while they stay rail thin. I've watched people around me gorge themselves on all sorts of garbage while I restrict myself to healthy choices, but I gain and gain.

After having the hand, foot, mouth disease and being so sick to my stomach that I couldn't really eat, I lost 12-14 lbs. And decided to use my last remaining weeks to diet so I could feel like I at least look better than I did when he left, if only marginally.

I went to an old "friend," Sparkpeople  and went back onto my diet plan that I started last August unsuccessfully. I've been using it on and off for a few years. It works if I do it. But it is a struggle sometimes to take the time to type in my food each meal and record each fitness activity.

The calorie tracker is really nice and relatively easy to use. Almost any food I've eaten is in there, I just have to choose portion size add it to the meal I'm eating. If I eat at a friend's, I guess based on size of whatever we ate and figure trying to keep track of my calories is better than not. Last weekend, I put in a portion of lasagna, brownies, cookies, etc. and guessed, but putting it down helped me gauge how far I needed to run the next morning!

I have found that when I know I'm going to type it into my food tracker for the day, I'm much more likely to exercise some self-control. I find it easier to walk away from the brownie with sprinkles when I know exactly how many calories I have left for the day. A 200 calorie brownie doesn't sound like much, but when my calorie range is 1200-1500 a day, that is half a meal.

I'm much more aware of how quickly calories add up when I'm counting them. Recently I find that I'm struggling with eating enough calories. According to my fitness goals, I'm supposed to eat a minimum of 1200 calories. But somehow in my head, I struggle to even reach that number most days. Eating too little can cause my body to go into starvation mode and I would end up gaining more weight and putting my metabolism into an even bigger tail spin.

I just feel so much pressure to lose some weight in the week or so I have left before my husband comes home. I have lost 17 lbs. in less than a month now, but it doesn't feel like enough when I still look in the mirror and see fat. I know 17 lbs. really is quite a bit for less than four weeks, and I'm not complaining, but when it is the tip of the iceberg, somehow it just doesn't feel like enough. And I'm struggling to lose as much as I can safely so I don't gain it all back the week he comes home.

I've spent the entire year doing just that. I diet really well and lose a few pounds, then I cheat for the weekend or holiday or vacation and then diet again, then cheat again. I've lost the same 10 lbs. over and over. Today was the lowest weight I've been since he left last August by 3 pounds. But I would like to lose another 30 to be at a weight I would feel more comfortable at and 50 to be where I was in college.

I'm hoping to get to a nice round 20 lbs. lost before he comes home, just because it sounds like so much more than 17. He won't care. If I had lost 60 lbs., he would have noticed, but twenty, he probably won't notice, especially since it isn't much lower than when he was home for R&R, at least not much lower than when he got here. R&R kind of tanked my diet and when he left, I was exactly back to where I'd been when he left. It kills me that two weeks of normal eating and drinking more often than usual, but not too extremely undoes months of work.

I'm determined not to sabotage myself this time. I want to eat and drink and not be a fuddy duddy, but I'm going to try to stay on my calories with food and limit alcohol. I'm going to have fun for a couple of days and then back on the diet I go, which unfortunately means no booze. I really miss a glass of wine in the evenings. But here I am 40 and 30-40 lbs. over weight and miserable about it all the time. I miss feeling good about myself. Heck, I'd settle for not feeling like a freak.

So, I'm snacking on a bag of Pop Smart popcorn to get close to my 1200 calories for the day. I know he won't care if I lose another 3 lbs. He will be so glad just to be home, but maybe I'm really doing this for myself for once, so I feel comfortable in clothes that aren't the size of circus tents and can enjoy outings with my friends without feeling so noticeably different than my size 0 friends.

I just need to be careful not to go too crazy the other direction and be so swept up with how I look I forget to be concerned about what stringent dieting could do to my long term health. It is like most things I've learned, balance. You have to find the balance. Too much one way or the other and everything falls apart. As a military wife, we don't have a lot of balance. We either have our husband home every night or even on leave for weeks at a time or he is gone for a year. We either have all our friends and family or are thousands of miles away. Being able to find happiness in this off kilter lifestyle is about balancing. I go crazy and am super wifey, luvy duvy girlie when he's home, then I can be super independent chica when he leaves. Balance - I just have to apply it to the rest of my life too. 

Day 30: Stop Loss

I haven't seen the movie. With my husband deploying numerous times, I didn't think my emotions could handle watching the movie. I don't think it is some blockbuster Oscar caliber film, but my emotions have been undone by cheesy Hallmark movies many times. Since I haven't seen the movie, I have no idea regarding its accuracy. 

The term stop loss is a military term that can extend a service members time in active duty or within a specific regiment/unit. When people enlist in the military, they are really signing over their entire lives for all intents and purposes. The military pretty much owns you, for a long time. The first commitment is usually 8 years. Four of those years are usually active duty, although the active duty component can be as brief as two or as much as six. 

Then the rest of that commitment is not active. Sometimes people serve that time in the reserves and sometimes just in an inactive status. It depends on the initial contract and the needs of the army. While the recruit believes that the amount of active duty time is a firm amount, the military can change it at any time. I've even known friends who've been asked to come back to military service ten years after they finished their contracts. Now, those were requests, but within certain guidelines of which I am not well versed, they can compel your return. 

Another way the military uses the term stop loss is to eliminate movement within the military. It keeps people in jobs, units, regiments, etc. The military uses this to manage personnel. My husband has been stop-lossed several times. 

My husband has been busting his butt to get to his next promotion. To get that promotion, he feels he needs to be a drill instructor. Today he was told that if he didn't have orders to PCS as of today, that he would be stop-lossed in his current regiment/squadron/troop. I have no idea how true this is or will be. The army is a pretty fluid thing until it isn't.

Nothing is a done deal until it is a done deal in writing. But that didn't make getting that news any easier. Yesterday he was told that he might come down on orders late this year and we might PCS (permanent change of station) within a few months of his return or within this year. 

While moving is scary, I'm kind of ready for the new adventure. I'm certainly not excited about staying here and spending the next year gearing up for him to leave again. His regiment is already preparing for their next deployment. We really don't have any control over what happens. All he can do is ask, push, file paperwork. 

And we wait. But hearing that he might be stop-lossed already, is frustrating and depressing. He's deployed four times. He says this was the worst experience he's ever had in the military. He won't tell me details for security reasons and not to anger anyone who might read this, but I know, he's had some rough experiences. When he says this was the worst, it must have been pretty rough. 

I'm not excited about his staying in this unit or regiment. But I'm really not excited about another deployment. Emotionally, it is just devastating to have to start thinking about his leaving again before he is even home. It taints every moment of his return, of the year we get together (minus the months of school, training, etc.) hanging over our heads. 

The military life is hard. They own you. You give up complete control of where you live, when you get to be home on a day to day or year to year basis. And even when you think you've got a smidge of control, they take it away. I'm a natural control freak. Ever since meeting my husband, I have struggled with the lack of control I have in my life. It is good for me to learn to deal with being more flexible, but it is really hard especially when it doesn't affect just me, but my husband whose pain is my pain, and my child/ren. 

I can't do anything but wait and pray. And hope we get a chance to avoid the Stop Loss. 

Day 51: Independence Day

Today was bittersweet for me, and I'm sure many military spouses. Today we celebrate the freedom to practice democracy and our religion. Today we celebrate declaring our independence and winning the battle to become free.

Families and friends all over the country gathered today. Barbecue grills cast off tantalizing aromas of cheeseburgers and hot dogs. Small town parades started the morning. We watched the parade from my mother-in-law's front yard. Lil Bit was interested in the fire trucks and the bands. She waved to a few other floats, but got very hot quickly. I think her favorite part of the parade was the candy, rice crispie treats and pop-ice that were thrown by the parade participants. She ate a rice crispie treat and a pop-ice in the shade while Grandpa held her. She imitated the fire engine sirens and clapped along with the cheerleaders.

We spent the rest of the morning and afternoon barbecuing and eating. We had all sorts of goodies and lots of good times with great friends. Then we decided it just wouldn't be the Fourth of July without fire works, so we drove to a friend's house who came to our place for the parade and post festivities and watched the fireworks from her front yard. It was perfect. Lil Bit was pointing and signing "again, again" and "flower" which is a new sign that she just learned. But Grandma always says, "pretty flower" so when I tried to teach her a sign for pretty - she went to flower. For 14 months, she was amazing. She stayed awake the entire time, sat in my lap or arms and watched the amateur and professional fireworks for at least an hour.

But while we celebrated today, it wasn't far from my mind that the real reason we celebrate today is because of brave men and women who fought and still fight for our freedom. They decided to stand up against an unfair government, risk being hanged for treason or die in combat. Today, our military heroes stand up against tyranny and fear and say, no, this isn't how people should live, any people, any where.

Lil Bit's Daddy missed watching her real "first" 4th, since last year she was too little to understand or even really observe much of what was going on. She had a great day. And I held her in my arms, training her properly in the "ooohing" and "aaahhing" of fireworks' viewing, I got a little teary eyed. He missed it all. I talked with the kids about how their dad is defending our freedom today while we celebrate the gift that he and men like him have given us. They were quiet until Trenton wanted to know if Daddy got to watch fireworks in Iraq. When I said no, I didn't think so, that was when he looked really sad.

I hope you had a nice Independence Day. I hope your cookout was great with just the right dash of relish in the potato salad or paprika on the deviled eggs. But I really hope you took a moment today mentally to thank the veterans past and present and service members and their families for the sacrifices they make so we can watch mostly cheesy parades and have cookouts with run amok children splashing each other with water balloons and lemonade and brownies. Our freedom is always precious, but we sometimes take for granted what it took to gain it and what it takes to protect it and spread our values to oppressed people.

Happy Independence Day to you and yours, may your family be safely asleep under your roof tonight as I and many military wives around the nation pray desperately that no insurgents chose today to make a political statement with a rocket or bullet aimed at our husband. I have about a month left (it looks like they'll be shortening their tour a little bit) and my prayers are for his safe return daily. Remember me and my fellow wives in your prayers for peace tonight. 

Day 63: Little things

I didn't hear from my husband today, but we did get the squadron newsletter. I usually try to scan the newsletter for a chance picture or mention of my husband, but have never seen much of him. A lot of times he isn't even mentioned. I even watch most of the squadron movies hoping for a glimpse of his face.

This time he was mentioned and pictured! "SSGs Coderellis and Defrates have been approved and
awarded the Order of Saint George for outstanding leadership in an Armored Cavalry formation." I think he mentioned the award awhile ago, but hasn't said anything recently about officially getting the award.

It does feel nice to hear that he is getting some recognition for his hard work. And seeing his smiling face in the picture was nice. It is one of those things people outside of the military community probably don't often think about, but I don't get to see recent pictures of my husband very often. I miss his face.

It is the little things that get to me. I miss his face, the way he smiles, the way his voice sounds. After over 300 days since he left for this deployment, there are days it is hard to remember what it is like to have him around. I forget the way it sounds when he walks in the door after work. I forget the way he smells when he holds me close. I struggle to remember the way his lack of organization makes me want to scream. I can't seem to remember how loud his snoring is or how he heats up the bed until I can't sleep.

All I can think about are the myriad of ways I miss him. Because the big things aren't really what you miss, it is the tiniest of details that make your heart break: the way his hand fits in mine, rough and calloused with gnawed fingernails, the way he chops vegetables and obsesses over his cooking, the way he watches hunting and fishing shows Saturday and Sunday mornings.

There are a few big things I miss too, the way he accepts me the way I am, loves the way I look, enjoys my sense of humor and seamlessly understands me. Either way, there are days I just realize how much I miss him. 

Day 138: Government Shutdown

For the past several days, the government shutdown has been the major topic of conversation on my Facebook newsfeed, in the workroom and in general around school. The reason people are so interested in my life is because among the things that will be suspended will be pay for the military, including the 146,000 service members in Iraq and Afghanistan. The word at lunchtime today was that the military paychecks on the 15th would be only for April 1-8 instead of for the usual two weeks.

But a lot of people aren't really clear what is really happening in the government. The reality is being obscured by a bunch of politics, so it is very hard to decipher what is truth or fiction. After some research, the dispute seems to be over Riders on the federal budget. A rider is a clause appended to a legislative bill to secure a usually distinct object. I think that one of the biggest flaws in our government is that our representatives are allowed to attach riders to bills. The federal budget and every bill eventually passed is full of riders. Some of the riders are related to the main bill, many are not. But no one knows what the riders say (outside of the government at least). A congressman doesn't want to vote no on a crime bill that is important, so he ignores the distasteful riders attached to the bill. Our laws are so full of riders that if we took them all out, we would probably have to spend years to figure out the mess. Entire other bills can be attached as riders to a bill more likely to pass. I wish the Senate shared a House rule that only related amendments to a bill can be added, no riders.

Too much money goes to bill riders that no voter would support if we could vote directly. Too much money goes to bill riders that no congressmen would support if they knew the American people would know what they were really voting for. So as we're counting down the hours before the government shutdown, how much of our national debt, our annual budget has been wasted on ridiculous line riders? I would imagine if someone actually counted, the number would anger and insult us all.

The press is really making a big deal of the military not getting paid, which does infuriate me, but that is exactly why they keep pushing it. Not paying combat troops is a big deal. In fact, if you listen to all the perspectives, both sides are taking turns jabbing at military pay to get attention for their sides. Some of the talking heads on CNN including Anderson Cooper have more than suggested that one or both parties are politicizing the lack of pay for the military to distract the American people from what the real issues are. One of my friends was criticizing the President for saying the troop pay issue was just a distraction, but in the context of all sides of the story, I think was he was saying is that the issue is being used as a distraction, not that funding our troops isn't important to him.

One of the major riders that is being debated is Planned Parenthood. The Democrats say PP is about providing health services for women. The Republicans say PP is about abortion. In fact, Senator Jon Kyl said abortions are well over 90% of what PP does when in fact abortion services account for less than 3% of what PP truly does as verified by an external auditing agency. The true PP statistics are 35% disease prevention, 35% contraception, 16% cancer screening, 10% other women's health services, and 3% abortion with a 1% variance. One abortion is too many, but how many do they prevent by providing information and contraception?

Other major riders -
1. Defunding National Public Radio and Public Broadcasting System
2. Reduce funding to monitor greenhouse gases and to implement health care reform
3. Blocking restrictions on strip mining near streams and non-profit colleges

Another big issue is that congress continues to receive a paycheck even though the military won't. The congress's pay is guaranteed by the Constitution and set so it cannot be adjusted midterm. This was set in place to prevent them from giving themselves raises midterm. I understand the protection against political pressure being brought to bear and preventing corruption, but it feels like a slap in the face to the many middle class and lower class families facing some real financial hardship that the Representatives and Senators making six figures. In fact, Linda Sanchez said she couldn't give up her $174,000 salary due to obligations in her life, but the soldiers making less than a third of her salary usually with spouses, children, households (sometimes two) are expected to do so and have no option. The ridiculousness of the situation is infuriating. There is no justification for withholding military pay over petty disagreements.

I was glad to see that Kay Bailey Hutchison (R) Texas has a stand alone bill to fund the military in the interim if necessary. I hope that it doesn't come to it, but if it does, I hope clear heads prevail and at least make sure that the people protecting our nation aren't distracted from doing THAT job. I don't want my husband's head anywhere but on keeping himself and his men safe. I am SO happy that we took some time to get on board with Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover so that we've been able to watch this from the sidelines without being too concerned. A few years ago, losing half a paycheck would have devastated us. Now it would just be irritating.

Now it looks like they've developed a deal to sign a temporary agreement until they can finalize a written version of the oral agreement. But they are passing a Band-aid budget for this week.

What got me more fired up than the loss of pay, was the assumptions of the D.C. politicos that the American people are so stupid to get distracted by all the smoke of military pay and abortion and the ilk. As I watched a fairly balanced reporting between Wolf Blitzer and Anderson Cooper, I was able to discern that the real issues are pretty complicated, but that many of the Republicans were reluctant to say on camera that abortion was not one of these issues.

I listened to raging debates on Facebook and blogs, but found many people were terribly ill informed, but plenty willing to share their opinions. I often write about my opinions here, but do try to either be informed or issue a disclaimer that I am just ranting. I found out this week that an article I read, sent to me from a close, educated friend, was a scam/urban myth. I didn't research it because I trusted the sender and ended up getting embarrassed. I won't make that mistake again. I can't know everything. I think a lot of what happens in politics is like making sausage - you like the result, but don't wanna know how it got made. I do try to make sure that I at least inform myself somewhat before blogging about a public issue.

I wonder how much of our nation's problems are because in a nation of the widest public education system, we have so many people who choose to ignore information and be actively under informed about what is happening around the world and in our government. In fact, Americans are less informed about world events and national politics than any other first world nation. We came in last! (According to a Newsweek article "How Dumb Are We?" by Andrew Romano) How can we fix our budget, economy, educational system, if we don't care enough to learn what is really going on. If we vote uninformed opinions or straight down party lines, nothing will change for the better.

I do wonder if my family can have a money make-over, why can't our government? I think I've covered enough issues for one blog. I will save solving our multi-trillion dollar debt for another night. 

Day 157: Sisters in Entry, Heart and Texas

There are some very unique challenges to being a military dependent; some seasons are full of growth, some of pruning. Joys and sorrows often intertwine. I have been married to my soldier for 4 years; in that time we have been together for about 2 of them, thanks to trainings, a tour in Korea, and 9 months in Afghanistan.

We are currently in a season of joyful blessing. We expect Jonathan Joshua to be delivered to us between 3-6 weeks. It may seem like a long variance, but FedEx can’t do any better and they are professionals. At least FedEx guarantees arrival before 10:00 am.

Last night I saw about half of a show called “Coming Home”, where we see reunions between soldiers and family members that have been orchestrated by a team to be unforgettable for the children. The first story I saw was that of a high school senior, a football superstar who was about to sign on for a full ride to the college of his choice. His father, the fan always yelling, “That’s my boy!” has been deployed to Afghanistan for the year. As Jeremiah sat and the end of the long signing table, he proudly signed on with the US Naval Academy. A powerful, “That’s my boy!” rang out, and two men embraced and cried in a way that radiated maturity and honor.

The words that caught my attention before the big reveal were, “JJ has no idea that his father will be returning from Afghanistan for his big signing day.”

My husband has been told he will be sent home for the birth of our son, but it will be at the 39/40 week mark. I have no details or assurance other than that. I have prepared for all scenarios to the best of my ability, but the potential for Josh’s absence has been something I have kept mostly confined to my mind. Last night it hit my heart in full force. This is an event that I can’t bear for my beloved to miss for his sake, as much as for mine. I know I have the strength and fortitude for this task if need be, but it would break my husband’s heart to miss the event he has dreamed of for years. 

For the sake of time and concern over his bringing home onto the battlefield, our conversations about emotions tied to the event have been somewhat rare. I send pictures of my ever-expanding waistline and tell him of what our son did that day or how he is getting ready, but I am not sure what is going on in the head and heart of my soldier. (Every military wife must understands that!) today I have a new rawness of heart. Just as the mission and the events of life must be battled through on the battlefield, it eventually catches up. Last night I began the process of realizing all I have not allowed my heart to prepare for as I have waited for my soldier to be a part, not knowing if it is possible. Hope is a powerful thing.

It is the deep desire of my heart that I see the man I love walk toward me in uniform and embrace my engorged belly. A few days of time just with him before our lives change forever is almost too much to hope for.

**                           **                             **

My tears are for how she struggles alone with the fears of losing her husband plus his missing out on those moments she has dreamt of sharing with the man of her dreams. God bless you, honey. Again - I know!!!!!

Day 353: Lonely

Today is a really rough entry because there isn't any one focus area. I feel a little bipolar - up, then down, up, then down, stressed and wiped, then worried and lonely. I don't know that I have felt much of anything consistently today except tired.

The reality of his being gone is starting to seep in. A week is just another day in the life of a military wife at this point, but the second week starts to feel real. They leave and the first few days feel a little surreal, like you just won the "I get the remote/no sharing the covers" lottery. After I get my first real cry in, the peace and calm feels a little nice, some "me" time, but that doesn't last very long. About two weeks into the deployment, something happens. For me it feels like a thunderstorm slowly crawling over the landscape. At first, the sky barely seems to darken, happening so gradually, that you're not sure when it got so dark, but then next thing you know, the rain starts to pour down on my "me" picnic.

The tears haven't started yet, but I know they are looming. I am fighting them off with finally watching "Twilight," a guilty leisure activity and I pay-per-viewed New Moon. And I'm trying not to stuff myself with frozen pizza and bread sticks. This is just the first of various holiday weekends that I will be alone.

I have a good set of caring people around me, but it isn't the same. He and I fit like two pieces cut from the same piece of wood. Our strange edges that lock us out of belonging from others are what bring us together. I am now the odd one out, third wheel, now with a new convenient travel companion. All the fun single girl type things I could do last deployment are now pretty much out of the question. Even when I have someone offer to watch Lil Bit, I can't imagine leaving her for even a few hours.

Tomorrow, she turns four months. She is too little for cake and ice cream celebrations, but the idea makes me realize that Chad will miss her actual first birthday and the missing him, his missing her makes the tears come . . .

Here comes the rain again
Falling on my head like a memory
Falling on my head like a new emotion
I want to walk in the open wind
I want to talk like lovers do
I want to dive into your ocean
Is it raining with you

and this song feels like the tears raining down. I hope he knows I am thinking of him right now.

Day 366

          So . . . here it is. After months of looming, the day is finally here. His last day at home before leaving for Iraq, AGAIN. I try not to cry when I ask my principal if I can leave a few minutes early at the end of the day. I decide that supportive smiles are good, but not sure they are worth the pitying looks from my acquaintances who are at varying levels of understanding about what I am about to go through and really have been going through for months. We live near a military base; people, for the most part, get it, but unless you have gone through it and sometimes even unless you've gone through it more than once, the nuances of the challenges of this military life escape even the most sympathetic friend. By the end of the school day, I teach high school, I am ready to race home and take off my heels and see Chad, but there is an aura surrounding our exchanges. So many words hang in the air, unsaid but felt, back and forth. He wants to tell me so many things, but his mouth can't seem to juggle the marble ideas in his head and spit them out. Instead he grasps my fingertips with my arms wrapped around the baby and whispers, "I love you." And takes her, wanting his last few minutes with her too. By the time he sees her again, she will be crawling, maybe even walking. Today she smiles and is working up to giggling, but is still very much a newborn. When he comes home, she will have celebrated her first birthday and be several months closer to the next one. I watch him feed and snuggle her. Her whole faces explodes into a Cheshire grin when he smiles at her. I am worried that his leaving will subconsciously make her feel abandoned by men or sad even though as an adult, she will never remember this year without her daddy. I will have each day etched across my heart.


He wants to eat at his favorite sushi place. I think raw fish should still be swimming in someone's tank, but I concede. He is leaving his home and heading to a place he affectionately (read sarcasm) calls "the armpit of the world" or "prison" depending on his mood. I will be lonely and sad, and probably sleepless, but I can eat at my favorite place whenever I want, so I acquiesce. We have sushi and spend some time on the couch after dinner watching TV, because even though, in my head, I have plenty of emotional time bombs to drop and make this evening special, electric, etc. I don't really know what to say. If we haven't loved each other enough all year long, the next ten minutes or just the right phrase, won't fix it. We almost say nothing as we start to discuss the most ridiculous news headlines of recent days. The laughter pulls us together. We laugh and want to fall asleep, but he has to go inspect barracks, so we kiss goodnight. His goodbye is only for a few hours yet, but the word tastes bitter on my tongue. I fall asleep and wait to wake up at four to say good-bye. The dreams are frantic and jumbled images, some with him and some where he is already gone. At some point I reach across and he is there and I am tempted to stay awake just to memorize the safe warmness of him, but drowsiness wins and I crash back into slumber.

He wakes just before four and I get up to say goodbye. Some wives will take the morning and go to sit in the gym bleachers, hear all the speeches, etc. but I have to get to work and can't see waking the baby this early will help her stay in this new routine we're trying to develop, so we decided that good-bye is the same whether we say it now or in two hours. Besides I don't have to have a brave face for anyone at home. I cry ugly sobs when the minute comes. I am really trying here, but you can't capture the horrible lead weight in my chest feeling with words. I tell him to come home and be safe. And he is gone. I stumble around the house picking up cast off items that didn't make the final duffel bag. I finally drop back into bed for an hour or so before my first day as a single mom commences.