Day 22: Balance

I've struggled with my weight my whole adult life. I think my genetic make-up predisposes me to being heavy. I can eat the same things as my family or friends and gain weight while they stay rail thin. I've watched people around me gorge themselves on all sorts of garbage while I restrict myself to healthy choices, but I gain and gain.

After having the hand, foot, mouth disease and being so sick to my stomach that I couldn't really eat, I lost 12-14 lbs. And decided to use my last remaining weeks to diet so I could feel like I at least look better than I did when he left, if only marginally.

I went to an old "friend," Sparkpeople  and went back onto my diet plan that I started last August unsuccessfully. I've been using it on and off for a few years. It works if I do it. But it is a struggle sometimes to take the time to type in my food each meal and record each fitness activity.

The calorie tracker is really nice and relatively easy to use. Almost any food I've eaten is in there, I just have to choose portion size add it to the meal I'm eating. If I eat at a friend's, I guess based on size of whatever we ate and figure trying to keep track of my calories is better than not. Last weekend, I put in a portion of lasagna, brownies, cookies, etc. and guessed, but putting it down helped me gauge how far I needed to run the next morning!

I have found that when I know I'm going to type it into my food tracker for the day, I'm much more likely to exercise some self-control. I find it easier to walk away from the brownie with sprinkles when I know exactly how many calories I have left for the day. A 200 calorie brownie doesn't sound like much, but when my calorie range is 1200-1500 a day, that is half a meal.

I'm much more aware of how quickly calories add up when I'm counting them. Recently I find that I'm struggling with eating enough calories. According to my fitness goals, I'm supposed to eat a minimum of 1200 calories. But somehow in my head, I struggle to even reach that number most days. Eating too little can cause my body to go into starvation mode and I would end up gaining more weight and putting my metabolism into an even bigger tail spin.

I just feel so much pressure to lose some weight in the week or so I have left before my husband comes home. I have lost 17 lbs. in less than a month now, but it doesn't feel like enough when I still look in the mirror and see fat. I know 17 lbs. really is quite a bit for less than four weeks, and I'm not complaining, but when it is the tip of the iceberg, somehow it just doesn't feel like enough. And I'm struggling to lose as much as I can safely so I don't gain it all back the week he comes home.

I've spent the entire year doing just that. I diet really well and lose a few pounds, then I cheat for the weekend or holiday or vacation and then diet again, then cheat again. I've lost the same 10 lbs. over and over. Today was the lowest weight I've been since he left last August by 3 pounds. But I would like to lose another 30 to be at a weight I would feel more comfortable at and 50 to be where I was in college.

I'm hoping to get to a nice round 20 lbs. lost before he comes home, just because it sounds like so much more than 17. He won't care. If I had lost 60 lbs., he would have noticed, but twenty, he probably won't notice, especially since it isn't much lower than when he was home for R&R, at least not much lower than when he got here. R&R kind of tanked my diet and when he left, I was exactly back to where I'd been when he left. It kills me that two weeks of normal eating and drinking more often than usual, but not too extremely undoes months of work.

I'm determined not to sabotage myself this time. I want to eat and drink and not be a fuddy duddy, but I'm going to try to stay on my calories with food and limit alcohol. I'm going to have fun for a couple of days and then back on the diet I go, which unfortunately means no booze. I really miss a glass of wine in the evenings. But here I am 40 and 30-40 lbs. over weight and miserable about it all the time. I miss feeling good about myself. Heck, I'd settle for not feeling like a freak.

So, I'm snacking on a bag of Pop Smart popcorn to get close to my 1200 calories for the day. I know he won't care if I lose another 3 lbs. He will be so glad just to be home, but maybe I'm really doing this for myself for once, so I feel comfortable in clothes that aren't the size of circus tents and can enjoy outings with my friends without feeling so noticeably different than my size 0 friends.

I just need to be careful not to go too crazy the other direction and be so swept up with how I look I forget to be concerned about what stringent dieting could do to my long term health. It is like most things I've learned, balance. You have to find the balance. Too much one way or the other and everything falls apart. As a military wife, we don't have a lot of balance. We either have our husband home every night or even on leave for weeks at a time or he is gone for a year. We either have all our friends and family or are thousands of miles away. Being able to find happiness in this off kilter lifestyle is about balancing. I go crazy and am super wifey, luvy duvy girlie when he's home, then I can be super independent chica when he leaves. Balance - I just have to apply it to the rest of my life too. 

Day 79: Thanks CNN

This morning I woke up and started the coffee pot, grabbed the baby for breakfast and didn't check email or Facebook until we'd been up an hour. I had message on Facebook from my MIL asking if Chad was OK. Apparently she was watching the news, and CNN was reporting the following:

Baghdad (CNN) -- Five U.S. servicemembers were killed Monday in central Iraq, the U.S. military said in a written statement.

The deaths are the single largest loss of life among U.S. troops in Iraq since 2009, and they come as Iraq debates whether to request U.S. troops stay beyond a January 1, 2012, deadline that requires 46,000 American forces out of the country.

The U.S. military did not say how or where the five died.

But two Iraqi security officials told CNN Monday that the servicemembers were killed during an early morning mortar attack at a U.S. military base in southeastern Baghdad. You can read the rest by clicking on the link - CNN story.

My heart immediately sank. I know that my husband is near that area, depending on how accurate they are being with location. Although I am not exactly sure where because all the maps of bases and posts that used to be available online have been removed (for obvious reasons). I also know they've been dealing with increased mortars and IEDs.

THIS IS WHY I DON'T WATCH THE NEWS!!! I am not usually one to freak out, but this really has me thrown for a loop. I haven't heard from him today and the news isn't releasing any new information about where or which troops were killed until the families are notified. He called his son yesterday for his birthday and had a terrible connection, I'm told, but other than that I didn't hear from him since lunchtime on Saturday.

I am pinning my hopes on the fact that I am not hard to find, and if they were trying to notify me, I think they would have been here already. But I can't get the sick feeling out of my stomach. In a few hours, I may have an email from my husband and feel very silly for getting so upset, but right now, I hate to admit it, but I am terrified. I hope to feel very ridiculous.

In an effort to find out what is happening, I contacted our FRG leader (family readiness group) to ask what she had heard. She said she hadn't heard anything, which is kind of good news, but would call our Rear D (rear detachment are the troops who maintain operations back home, keep open communications between spouses and troops, etc.) I spent the next three hours checking my email every five seconds. She answered me very quickly about making the call and then nothing. I really got worried then. She might not email me back if it was our troops and/or my husband because they will only notify people in person.

I literally started paying attention to cars outside the house, left my computer open so I could see the second I had an email. Nothing for hours. I was drying my hair watching Lil Bit play in her exer-saucer and my emotions got the better of me. I couldn't imagine her facing the rest of her life without her dad. I couldn't imagine trying to be a mom in the midst of grieving. In my head, I am picturing the complete meltdown I would face and then having to be strong for her.

It was a LONG four hours. I finally saw my husband's roommate online on FB chat. I quickly asked him if they were OK. He answered that they were fine, a little irritated that their internet was down, but otherwise, just fine. I was very relieved. I let my family and friends know that he was OK, but just as quickly realized that five wives were still getting the devastating news that their husbands weren't coming home and five more that their spouses were injured.

My FRG leader still hasn't emailed back which makes me think it might have been some of our group, if not my husband's troop. I spent four hours imagining the worst, which is WHY I DON'T WATCH THE NEWS!!! I still had hope that it wasn't my soldier so I don't exactly know how it would feel, but a glimpse into that horror was more than I ever want to experience again!

My heart aches for those spouses and families. I don't know how you would deal with such earth shattering grief. All I can do is pray for them and for safety for the rest of our forces as the insurgents try to increase the violence to take credit for driving American forces out of the country. My countdown to welcoming him home is more real to me than ever. I am still hopeful that he will be home earlier than a year. In fact, I think he is supposed to be home a week earlier than he left last year, but I am not changing my count. I am counting down until he is home. When he gets on a plane, I will update to one day left. But I refuse to chance jinxing anything. 

Day 86: Memorial Day

Today, while you plan a cookout, I hope my husband has a chance to get on chat later if he survives his mission today. Wives, sisters, mothers, husbands, fathers, and children of service members will spend today mourning the loss of their soldiers or worrying about their safety.

I have to admit until I was an army wife, Memorial Day was not really on my radar. I knew we honored fallen soldiers, but it mostly meant the beginning of summer. But today, as I count the days until my husband comes home, it means a lot more. Everyday I wake up and check my email I know he was safe at least a few hours ago. This morning, his email came in at 4:38 a.m. But I will hold my breath just a little bit until he is back within the wire and I hear from him again.

The conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan aren't always in the news anymore, and, unfortunately, the American public has a very short attention span. If it isn't front page, top stories, headlines, we forget. People are still dying and getting injured everyday. As recently as last Monday, soldiers died in combat.

The following is a list of service members who have made the ultimate sacrifice just this month, courtesy of Faces of the Fallen.

Staff Sgt. Kristofferson B. Lorenzo

Hometown:Chula Vista, California, U.S.
Age:33 years old
Died:May 23, 2011 in Operation Enduring Freedom.
Unit:Army, 2nd Battalion, 27th Infantry Regiment, 3rd Brigade Combat Team, 25th Infantry Division, Schofield Barracks, Hawaii
Incident: Died in Kunar province, Afghanistan, of wounds suffered when enemy forces attacked their unit with a makeshift bomb.

Pfc. William S. Blevins

Hometown:Sardinia, Ohio, U.S.
Age:21 years old
Died:May 23, 2011 in Operation Enduring Freedom.
Unit:Army, 2nd Battalion, 27th Infantry Regiment, 3rd Brigade Combat Team, 25th Infantry Division, Schofield Barracks, Hawaii
Incident: Died in Kunar province, Afghanistan, of wounds suffered when enemy forces attacked their unit with a makeshift bomb.

Pvt. Andrew M. Krippner

Hometown:Garland, Texas, U.S.
Age:20 years old
Died:May 23, 2011 in Operation Enduring Freedom.
Unit:Army, 2nd Battalion, 27th Infantry Regiment, 3rd Brigade Combat Team, 25th Infantry Division, Schofield Barracks, Hawaii
Incident: Died in Kunar province, Afghanistan, of wounds suffered when enemy forces attacked their unit with a makeshift bomb.

Pvt. Thomas C. Allers

Hometown:Plainwell, Michigan, U.S.
Age:23 years old
Died:May 23, 2011 in Operation Enduring Freedom.
Unit:Army, 2nd Battalion, 27th Infantry Regiment, 3rd Brigade Combat Team, 25th Infantry Division, Schofield Barracks, Hawaii
Incident: Died in Kunar province, Afghanistan, of wounds suffered when enemy forces attacked their unit with a makeshift bomb.

Sgt. 1st Class Clifford E. Beattie

Hometown:Medical Lake, Washington, U.S.
Age:37 years old
Died:May 22, 2011 in Operation Iraqi Freedom.
Unit:Army, 1st Battalion, 63rd Armor, 2nd Brigade Combat Team, 1st Infantry Division, Fort Riley, Kan.
Incident: Died in Baghdad, Iraq, of wounds suffered when enemy forces attacked their unit with a makeshift bomb.

Pfc. Ramon Mora Jr.

Hometown:Ontario, California, U.S.
Age:19 years old
Died:May 22, 2011 in Operation Iraqi Freedom.
Unit:Army, 1st Battalion, 63rd Armor, 2nd Brigade Combat Team, 1st Infantry Division, Fort Riley, Kan.
Incident: Died in Baghdad, Iraq, of wounds suffered when enemy forces attacked their unit with a makeshift bomb.

Cpl. Brandon M. Kirton

Hometown:Centennial, Ohio, U.S.
Age:25 years old
Died:May 18, 2011 in Operation Enduring Freedom.
Unit:Army, 2nd Battalion, 502nd Infantry Regiment, 2nd Brigade Combat Team, 101st Airborne Division, Fort Campbell, Ky.
Incident: Died in Kandahar province, Afghanistan, of wounds suffered when insurgents attacked his unit with small arms fire and mortar rounds.

Staff Sgt. David D. Self

Hometown:Pearl, Mississippi, U.S.
Age:29 years old
Died:May 16, 2011 in Operation Enduring Freedom.
Unit:Army, Fires Squadron, 2nd Stryker Cavalry Regiment, Vilseck, Germany
Incident: Died of wounds suffered when insurgents attacked their unit using a makeshift bomb in Zabul province, Afghanistan.

Spec. Bradley l. Melton

Hometown:Rolla, Missouri, U.S.
Age:29 years old
Died:May 16, 2011 in Operation Enduring Freedom.
Unit:Army, Brigade Troops Battalion, 1st Stryker Brigade Combat Team, 25th Infantry Division, Fort Wainwright, Anchorage, Alaska
Incident: Died of wounds suffered when insurgents attacked their unit using an improvised explosive device in Zabul province, Afghanistan.

Pvt. Lamarol J. Tucker

Hometown:Gainesville, Florida, U.S.
Age:26 years old
Died:May 16, 2011 in Operation Enduring Freedom.
Unit:Army, Brigade Troops Battalion, 1st Stryker Brigade Combat Team, 25th Infantry Division, Fort Wainwright, Anchorage, Alaska

Incident: Died of wounds suffered when insurgents attacked their unit using an improvised explosive device in Zabul province, Afghanistan.

Pvt. Cheizray Pressley

Hometown:North Charleston, South Carolina, U.S.
Age:21 years old
Died:May 16, 2011 in Operation Enduring Freedom.
Unit:Army, Brigade Troops Battalion, 1st Stryker Brigade Combat Team, 25th Infantry Division, Fort Wainwright, Anchorage, Alaska
Incident: Died of wounds suffered when insurgents attacked their unit using an improvised explosive device in Zabul province, Afghanistan.

Spec. Brian D. Riley Jr.

Hometown:Longwood, Florida, U.S.
Age:24 years old
Died:May 15, 2011 in Operation Enduring Freedom.
Unit:Army, 2nd Battalion, 35th Infantry Regiment, 3rd Brigade Combat Team, 25th Infantry Division, Schofield Barracks, Hawaii.
Incident: Died in Kunar province, Afghanistan.

Sgt. Amaru Aguilar

Hometown:Miami, Florida, U.S.
Age:26 years old
Died:May 13, 2011 in Operation Enduring Freedom.
Unit:Army, 4th Squadron, 4th Cavalry Regiment, 1st Brigade Combat Team, 1st Infantry Division, Fort Riley, Kan.
Incident: Died at Kandahar province, Afghanistan, of wounds suffered when his unit encountered small arms fire.

Sgt. Kevin B. Balduf

Hometown:Nashville, Tennessee, U.S.
Age:27 years old
Died:May 12, 2011 in Operation Enduring Freedom.
Unit:Marines, 8th Communications Battalion, II Marine Expeditionary Force, Camp Lejeune, N.C.
Incident: Died while supporting combat operations in Helmand province, Afghanistan.

Lt. Col. Benjamin J. Palmer

Hometown:Modesto, California, U.S.
Age:43 years old
Died:May 12, 2011 in Operation Enduring Freedom.
Unit:Marines, Marine Wing Headquarters Squadron 2, 2
Incident: Died while supporting combat operations in Helmand province, Afghanistan.

1st Lt. Demetrius M. Frison

Hometown:Lancaster, Pennsylvania, U.S.
Age:26 years old
Died:May 10, 2011 in Operation Enduring Freedom.
Unit:Army, 1st Battalion, 26th Infantry Regiment, 3rd Brigade Combat Team, 1st Infantry Division, Fort Knox, Ky.
Incident: Died in Khost province, Afghanistan, of wounds suffered when insurgents attacked his unit using a makeshift bomb.

Sgt. Ken K. Hermogino

Hometown:Edwards Air Force Base, California, U.S.
Age:30 years old
Died:May 9, 2011 in Operation Enduring Freedom.
Unit:Army, 7th Squadron, 10th Cavalry Regiment, 1st Brigade Combat Team, 4th Infantry Division, Fort Carson, Colo.
Incident: Died in Herat province, Afghanistan, of injuries sustained in a non-combat related vehicle accident.

Spec. Riley S. Spaulding

Hometown:Sheridan, Texas, U.S.
Age:21 years old
Died:May 4, 2011 in Operation Enduring Freedom.
Unit:Army, 2nd Squadron, 2nd Stryker Cavalry Regiment, Vilseck, Germany
Incident: Died in Kandahar province, Afghanistan, of injuries sustained in a non-combat incident.

Cpl. Kevin W. White

Hometown:Westfield, New York, U.S.
Age:22 years old
Died:May 2, 2011 in Operation Enduring Freedom.
Unit:Army, 2nd Battalion, 35th Infantry Regiment, 3rd Brigade Combat Team, 25th Infantry Division, Schofield Barracks, Hawaii
Incident: Died in Kunar province, Afghanistan, of wounds suffered when insurgents attacked his unit using a makeshit bomb.

Please remember as you barbecue burgers, crack open a beer that the families of these men are still in the raw stages of grief. It probably doesn't even feel real yet that they aren't ever coming home. Most of them had months left on their tours so their families wouldn't have been expecting them for awhile yet. There is just an emptiness where hope once lived. As the families and friends around them prepare welcome home ceremonies, their grief will feel fresh once again.

I can't imagine the terrible emptiness of never being able to hold my husband again, feeling like we never got to say good-bye, even though we type "I love you" every time we can. And there are literally over 6,000 families who have suffered that devastating loss since these Middle Eastern conflicts began. Take a second to pray for peace for those families and safety for those still serving. And the families back home who worry, we need some prayers too.

Day 88: Gifts for your Gal

Sometimes I run out of ideas for my entries. If you've ever tried to write daily, you understand that once in awhile the well starts getting a bit dry. I can only write about missing my husband, being exhausted caring for a baby and school stuff so many times before I am just recycling all the things I've already said.

Sometimes I like to go back and look at what people were searching for when they came across my blog. Yesterday someone was looking for gift ideas for a wife during a deployment. My husband and I aren't so super mushy, but he has made some good moves over the deployments.

Our first Valentine's Day on deployment he sent a gigantic bouquet of two dozen long stem roses to my work. This was a good gift (as long as it isn't overdone) because it was showy and romantic. He understood that a big showy gift that first year was just the right thing to let me know he loved me and was thinking of me in a way that also let everyone around me know my guy thought I was pretty special.

Flowers are great from overseas but try to be a little creative with flower choice or arrangements, etc. Sending things to her at work is also a nice touch because it adds an element of surprise and mushiness most women appreciate but wouldn't ask for. Edible arrangements, gift baskets are similar ideas. Don't overdo any one idea over a deployment. It is only special once in awhile.

Another great gift my husband has sent me a few times, is a gift certificate to a nearby spa. If you save up and spend a few hundred dollars, you can generally buy a spa day. Mine was 5 hours of pampering plus lunch and wine. I got a full body massage, facial, manicure, pedicure, and a paraffin treatment. He has bought me various spa certificates over the years, but always at least try to do a manicure and pedicure or full body massage. If you can work it into several hours that she can schedule at her leisure, all the better. Very few women would not be excited about a day of being pampered. I would recommend though that you try to choose a spa that lets you pick an amount and lets her choose her services. Sometimes we can be a bit picky about having a Swedish or hot stone massage. I prefer deep tissue myself.

One of the best gifts was really very simple. He sent me a gift card for Barnes and Noble. But he found a way to have his picture and a personal message put on the card. So the gift card to my favorite store ever was awesome, but being able to keep a sweet keepsake from Iraq made it a sweet, romantic gesture for a gift card.

Another thing he did was listen to me. My favorite candy maker is from the Chicago area/Midwest. I can't buy it here. He ordered me a box of my favorite mint meltaways for Christmas. I savored each piece for a month. This gift can be especially sweet for a military wife you've dragged away from home courtesy of the army. Think of some of her favorite food places from back home and find a few that deliver. Pick once or twice during the year to have some of her favorites show up on her doorstep.

I am still hoping that my hubby gets the hint about Giordano's Pizza. I sent some to my mom for Mother's Day but the shipping was $30 for two pizzas. It cost me nearly $100 to send my mom pizza, so I won't ever do it for myself. But doing it for my mom was awesome. She was so surprised. I could hear in her voice how touched she was to get a surprising gift, something she wouldn't have gotten herself. She hadn't had the pizza for so long. If you've never had real Chicago pizza, you might not understand, but there just isn't anything like it.

My Mother's Day gift was a Kindle from Amazon. I haven't used it much yet since I am trying to finish three other books at the same time, but I am super excited about it. I love to read and this lets me have thousands of books without needing extra shelf space. Especially with all the moving we do, being able to downsize my bookshelves is not only nice, but really is a must! Before we got married, I had to sell about ten boxes worth of books just so I could fit my stuff in the giant U-Haul van. A Kindle is nice or an iPad or Nook.

Just think about the things your girlfriend or wife likes. What are the things she's been talking about. If she's complaining about the washer and dryer. Save up your money and buy a Lowe's gift card so she can pick out the washer and dryer of her dreams. I would advise you to let her chose this one. If she is a typical wife, laundry is a big part of her life and she has probably spent a lot of time thinking about what features she wants, what color, top loader or steam settings, etc. Big purchases like that always let her make the decision, just give her the budget to do it. A good washer/dryer will cost around $2000. You can go more expensive for the top of the line, but if you save up $2000 that would buy her a darn good set.

Heck, my favorite gifts this year were my Dyson vacuum and Hoover floor mate. Anything that makes life easier would be greatly appreciated. I know these are not super romantic gifts, but when your wife has spent months taking on all the responsibilities of the household, the most romantic gift is one that shows that you're paying attention to her needs. I would have several times this year appreciated a gift certificate for maid service. I have needed some help a few times before company was coming or after cold/flu season, but am too cheap to spring for maid service since it is something I could do on my own.

Try to think about what seems to be her biggest concern right now. Does she need a lawn service? a Geek squad visit for the ailing PC? A new digital camera to catch all the cute pics of the new baby? A thoughtful gift is always special.

But it doesn't always have to be expensive. Try to vary simple gifts like flowers and chocolate with more expensive gifts. Send her a Christmas ornament, personalized if possible, so she can be reminded of you during the holidays. The best gifts come from the heart. In our cyber world, sometimes we forget the power of the written word. Make a point to send her handwritten letters. Buy a bunch of romantic cards before deploying and mail one every so often.

The truth is, during deployment, the best gifts remind her you care and love her. She wants to feel more connected to you, needed and appreciated. If you can put aside the military mindset and get in touch with your feelings for her, she will love anything you give her.

Day 105/102: Things not to say to an Army wife Part Deux

This somehow was one of the blogposts that had to be erased to repair the issues that were created and caused the whole system to shut down for a couple of days. I hadn't missed an entry and it made me so frustrated that I couldn't access the system and then found I had lost a blog entry. Very frustrating. Thanks for hanging with me.

This is a continuation of the blog I started earlier this week. I've seen this list a few times, but here are a few of the things that non-military people say to us that are hurtful or insensitive. 

6. “How much longer does he have until he can get out?”

   Somehow, this sounds probably more negative than it was meant, but my husband VOLUNTEERED. He watched the towers fall, knew what the world looked like, and signed up, knowing it would take him away from his family, his hobbies, his life. He chose to go. When you ask "until he CAN come home" it sounds unappreciative of his sacrifice, like who would ever WANT to have this job?

   Also, if you are asking because you don't know how the military works, the enlisted soldiers sign contracts for specified amounts of time: 2 years is the shortest and doesn't happen very often, 4 years is average and 6 is less frequent, but also popular. Then you have INDEF - my husband just signed his indef contract last fall. Indefinite contract length means he plans to stay for his entire career. He has served just over 13 years in the military now and has a minimum of seven before he can retire. He has reupped (re-enlisted 5 times? now). 

    My husband loves what he does even though he doesn't always love the day to day or the deployments. Being in the military isn't a plague you have to run from. It is a commitment. Before you ask how long before he can GET OUT, think about why you even want to know or if you could just say, "Tell him thank you for his service" and move on. 

     If you are truly curious about his commitment, ask if he is a career soldier. If he is, then ask how long he has in. If not, then ask when his commitment is up. Sometimes it is about thinking for just a second about what how what you're saying sounds. 

#7 My husband travels for business all the time. I totally understand what you're going through."

    Not really. While any couple that spends a lot of time apart is going to have many similar issues, it is like comparing horseback riding to bull riding.  While I try not to dwell on it, most of the time my husband is away he is in mortal danger. Today while chatting with him on the computer we lost signal, but he didn't come back on. I didn't spend any time really focused on it, but my first thought was that something happened. You may worry about his plane or travels, but we have that worry plus IEDs, mortars, rockets, and combat. 

   Also we are on an emotional journey that starts with orders to deploy and the stress, fear, and anxiety this brings. Then he leaves off and on for field exercises over a period of several months culminating in a month of desert combat training. After which, the giant clock begins to countdown at a deafening volume. Everything we do as a couple has added significance and the last two weeks are the hardest. Sometimes it gets so hard that if I had some magical guarantee he would come home safely, I would wish that he would just get a phone call and have to go, no time to spend getting all worked up. Then we deal with the loss, try to create our own agenda and routines, get comfortable in those routines just to have him come home for a few weeks and remind us how sucky everything is without him and leave again. When he finally comes home, he isn't usually home for more than 48 hours before I hear him tell somebody that they're already talking about his next deployment dates. And off we go again.

   Being alone a lot is part of what we do, but the being together, apart, together, apart with combat thrown in for extra difficulty ratings, isn't the same as someone married to a truck driver or businessman who travels. The emotionality just doesn't even touch it. SO, instead tell me how much you miss your husband when he's gone and that you appreciate our sacrifice and are around when we need an ear.

8. “Wow, you must miss him?”

    This one doesn't bother me so much, but of course I miss him. The worries and the missing him aren't always at the front of my mind, but when someone asks this, it does make me think about something sad and painful. Some days I can't even consider him because it hurts so much, between being alone and missing him. Things are so much better now than they were in earlier wars, but all I know is this one. 

   He emails a couple times a week when he can. Sometimes I have gone for a couple of weeks with no word. He calls every Saturday or every other Saturday depending on his schedule. But this army wife thing is a lot of being alone. I would say about 75% of our marriage has been apart or preparing to be apart or trying to readjust from being apart. We have very little normal time together. Sometimes, I forget what it is like to have him home. Which leads me to . . .

9. Don't you miss sex? 

     For me, I've found that I really don't too much after the first few weeks he's gone. It kinda shuts down, becomes periphery.  Sex is only part of having an intimate relationship. I worry more about making sure we're still talking, sharing our feelings. And over time you realize that sex isn't the foundation of your relationship, just a benefit of a loving marriage. 

     I do miss being close. I miss holding his hand. I miss the way it feels to hug him. It is part of the sacrifice we make, which is part of the reason why many military marriages don't last. And that corresponds to . . .

10. Aren't you afraid he'll cheat?

     Not really. I can't guarantee he will be faithful, but we talked at length before his first deployment about the issue, and I've come to trust him. What is the alternative? Trust has to be at the center of any relationship whether there is distance or not. I was cheated on by my ex-husband who worked five minutes from the house. He carried on an affair for a year before our divorce. It was hard for me to trust anyone after that, but Chad very wisely pointed out that we can't control each other, only ourselves. Worrying about infidelity won't prevent it and generally drives a divisive wedge between two people. 

   I also think he truly loves me more than he thinks I love him, and I love him more than I think he loves me. He thinks I am too good for him while I wonder when he'll realize he's too good for me. Part of having that trust, is being able to know how complete your love is. 

    He could cheat on me whenever he wanted. He is a handsome guy who is kind, generous and loving. Worrying about it, stressing about it, checking up on him, won't make any difference. It will just make me upset, paranoid and slowly build a wall between us of mistrust and resentment. If you think your guy is going to cheat, you need to work on your relationship. The closer you two are emotionally, the less possibility is that either of you will make that mistake. We also made a rule - to never do anything that would make the other person wonder or question our trustworthiness. 

     He knows I will never be alone with a man under any circumstances. He won't do anything that would make me wonder either. We also both promised that we would never cheat. If anything ever came to that point, we would end our relationship before pursuing something else. The pain of losing a relationship is bad, but betrayal is a thousand times worse. 

     I know there are no guarantees, but I am not going to worry about it. I don't let myself be concerned. If he were coming home late smelling like perfume and taking showers immediately, I might start to ask some questions, but until then . . . no, I don't worry about things I can't control. I have enough stuff I am actually responsible for. 

11. “Well, he signed up for it, so it’s his own fault whatever happens over there.

    Mmm, really? This is like saying a car accident is your fault because you knew how dangerous cars were but got into one anyway. He knew what military service meant before he joined the army, but being a victim of a terrorist still isn't his fault. He does what he does knowing the risks of IEDs and rockets, bullets and shrapnel. He chose to put himself in harm's way to protect us, so we can sleep relatively unconcerned about the state of the Middle East. So his daughter could sleep peacefully in her crib. 

    This one bothers me because people close to our family have made comments that he must like being away from his family because he deploys so often. He likes serving his country, but wishes he could be home more often. He gets deployed based on what type of unit he is in and what job needs doing. 

      If, God forbid, something did happen to him, it would be because he stood between some fanatic anti-American extremist and you. Don't you dare tell me it would be his fault. Instead, try THANK YOU. They are two little words that should be said more often. He goes so you don't have to. He signed up so they wouldn't draft your husband or son or brother. He chose to make a career out of protecting our freedoms that we really do take for granted. He sacrifices his life everyday he is gone because he misses out on all the things the rest of us do. If you're not a military spouse, you probably can't imagine what it feels like to know he'll miss Thanksgiving and Christmas again this year, to wonder if he'll be home for your 40th birthday, to cry because your daughter just did something for the first time and you didn't get it on video for him. 

All in all, people say a lot of things to us, around us, about us based on misinformation, ignorance and too much TV. If you come across someone who says something hurtful, try to remember they most likely are trying to be sympathetic or are curious about the military wife life. Try to be patient. If you're the civilian and come across a military wife, try to ask fewer questions and just listen. 

Day 308: Growing up/Maturity

Today was a horribly overwhelming day. I got bombarded at work; everywhere I turned something else  needed to be done or will need doing in the next 72 or so hours. I didn't pee until 7:30 tonight after work because I was that busy today. About five minutes before I left work, a "friend" I met awhile ago at church wrote a terribly insensitive comment about my working moms blog on Facebook, and then unfriended me before I could respond. What hurt even more was that I considered this person someone I was friends with. I don't go anywhere with anybody, but she is a fellow army wife and mother. I thought she was at least someone who could commiserate when I was having a rough day. If nothing else, because I met her at church and she calls herself a Christian, I was absolutely harpooned by her actions. Her comment was meant to attack me and my "whining." Well, excuse me for using the blog to vent, my husband is gone and this is a healthier way to express the emotions I am feeling than lashing out at people in anger or drinking.

So apparently I am whining a lot. Being a working mom is hard! Being a working, single mom is beyond anything I ever expected. I know women do it every day and would make my whining look ridiculous by comparison with their lives, but that doesn't mean this isn't tough for me. I would rather be able to stay home. I didn't come to this decision lightly. My husband and I didn't come to this decision lightly. If I stayed home this year, we would be able to scrape by while Chad is deployed, but next year wouldn't be able to make it.  We literally would not be able to make our rent, utilities, insurance, food and car payments. Because I am working right now, we are trying to get at least the car payments gone and plan for our future.

Even so, we may still not be able to make it on one salary. If we cut out all the "luxuries" and nothing breaks or goes wrong, we might still not have the money. Not only would it be only one salary, but some of that goes to help support his older children. They are expensive to care for between clothes, activities, food, and now that they are in puberty - water usage! We get it. We don't begrudge the child support but it does take a large chunk from what another family might have coming in each month.

Having made this decision consciously doesn't mean it doesn't hurt or isn't hard. I deliberately chose to marry a soldier, knowing what that meant. Does that mean I don't cry sometimes, does that mean he doesn't? Of course we both do! Knowing something is hard doesn't mean it isn't the right thing to do. Staying at home is awesome and is such a wonderful commitment, but it is something that has to be right for you and your family. I already have explained in an earlier blog this week why I am working and how I feel about people who make such blanket judgments about others.

This entry is really about growing up. This kind of nonsense would be laughable if the people perpetrating it were in high school. It is doubly ridiculous as adults. If you are someone's friend, be a friend. If you have something negative to say about someone, say it to them. At the very least, as a Christian, we are called to address each other in certain ways. Her actions today were mean and unChristian and immature. I was very hurt. I try to brush things off and say it doesn't matter, but this really hurt. I sat at my desk and cried. Why as adults would anyone treat a friend this way? How did she think her comment made her look. Even to people who agree staying home is best, the way she said what she did was angry, bitter - not trying to see from someone else's perspective.

If she was really so offended by my working or my complaining about working, why wouldn't she offer to help or at least ask me if I needed some help to figure out things so I can stay home soon? Or better yet, not say anything if she couldn't be nice. This is someone I have prayed for. At least Facebook talk a few times a week to/with. When she wanted to have another child, she lambasted people for criticizing her family's decision to try to have a third child. Regardless of my feelings, of which I had no opinion other than being jealous she has that option, I prayed for her and her family and congratulated her when she found out that she was expecting. Her family isn't mine, I don't know the intimate details of her decision making. I prayed that God's will for her family would be clear and that if a baby was His plan for them, that it happen. I prayed for her wait easily for God's answer because waiting to get pregnant can be SO challenging.

I guess I thought adults were supposed to comport themselves with maturity. I guess I thought Christians should approach people with love and understanding and compassion (really, regardless of faith - still the way we as people should strive to be). I don't have to make your decisions for my family for them to be ok. The bible says that certain things are required to do and not to do, but outside of those things are options that we as Christians are supposed to be tolerant of.

FB, I challenge you (I will also be more self-vigilant) to think about whether you could say it to that person's face or if you would want your mom, Jesus, boss, child, to see you saying that.

Growing old is mandatory, unfortunately growing up takes effort. If you're reading this person who made the alluded to comment, hit me up on Facebook, and make a lunch date with me. We can sit and talk like friends and see if we can't find a way to look from someone else's perspective for awhile. And just for the record, I totally admire you for making the sacrifice and staying home. Just don't judge me because I can't do the same right now and wish I could everyday.

Day 321: Fumes AGAIN

Last night, I ran and ran desperately trying to get my "have to's" done early enough to relax and enjoy the baby and evening. Lil Bit wet the bed yesterday morning so first thing was get a load of laundry going, then pull out my new video camera and get it charging. So glad I did. Lil Bit was jumping in her Jumperoo for the first time! She is still just shy of tall enough, but she found if she scoots onto one cheek, she can reach with one foot and off she went. She was bouncing and bouncing. It was so much fun to watch her having fun.

Trying to put clean sheets on her mattress is a major undertaking. Either I have to remove her crib bumper or maneuver around it. Taking it off the crib means painstakingly reattaching it. Of course the tiny ties are not spaced so that they fall on a rail regularly and are difficult to tie neatly. So much fun!! If I try to work around the bumper, it is almost just as much work to try to get the snug mattress out of the crib and back in. I need a shoe horn to slide the mattress into the crib without the bumper. 

I had laundry to fold, some sewing repairs to do on the outfit I am wearing today, so kinda had to be done and the regular evening chores. Didn't crawl into bed until 11 despite being in my pjs around 9. And I don't know why, but she has been waking up early every day for two weeks. Fall asleep past 11 because I am all hyped up and am woken by whining around 4:30. I am sure I will survive, but man it takes a toll. What did Murtaugh say in "Lethal Weapon" - "I am too old for this . . ."

It just adds up and by Thursday, I am a wreck. I want to visit with my stepsons soon, but don't know how I will have the energy to drive seven hours on Friday and Sunday to pick them up and drop them off. I would almost stay in a hotel, but then I have to have something to do with the dog. 

I know it all fades in comparison to what my dear husband is going through. He is faced with a million discomforts and seemingly insurmountable challenges daily. I can't even imagine. He struggles with superiors with whom he may not always agree or feel appreciated by and subordinates who may not always follow orders or appreciate how hard he works for them. In some ways I do understand the latter. I spend all day with students and sometimes wonder if any of them really hear me or understand why I teach. If I didn't care, I could just sit here and do crazy things with them and my life would be easier.

But no, I design lessons that tie skills into previous knowledge and try to make authentic assessments. I try to give students inspiration to achieve their goals and overcome obstacles. And then I come across a child, who has given up, who sees no point in caring about him/herself. It breaks my heart. 

I feel like I am trying to be Super Teacher/Wife/Mother/step-mother/friend/WOMAN and just can't. But what do I put down? What ball do I let drop? To whom do I say, sorry, you lose? I can't do it all, but also can't make myself tell someone, I just can't find time for you. My step-sons - love them and miss them so much, but how do I take 14 hours away from the house, dog, baby, self to drive to get them? I guess this is being a grown up. 

We all look forward to the freedom adulthood promises, and find the responsibilities are more daunting than we always anticipated, but by then it is too late; we have gone and grown up.

I have papers and papers I am not grading. I have to pick up that ball before I get fired, so better go. My PE juggling class in high school should have been more realistic. No one has ever shoved three bean bags in my face and asked me to keep them in the air, but what I do everyday certainly feels more like juggling than any other time in my life.

Day 353: Lonely

Today is a really rough entry because there isn't any one focus area. I feel a little bipolar - up, then down, up, then down, stressed and wiped, then worried and lonely. I don't know that I have felt much of anything consistently today except tired.

The reality of his being gone is starting to seep in. A week is just another day in the life of a military wife at this point, but the second week starts to feel real. They leave and the first few days feel a little surreal, like you just won the "I get the remote/no sharing the covers" lottery. After I get my first real cry in, the peace and calm feels a little nice, some "me" time, but that doesn't last very long. About two weeks into the deployment, something happens. For me it feels like a thunderstorm slowly crawling over the landscape. At first, the sky barely seems to darken, happening so gradually, that you're not sure when it got so dark, but then next thing you know, the rain starts to pour down on my "me" picnic.

The tears haven't started yet, but I know they are looming. I am fighting them off with finally watching "Twilight," a guilty leisure activity and I pay-per-viewed New Moon. And I'm trying not to stuff myself with frozen pizza and bread sticks. This is just the first of various holiday weekends that I will be alone.

I have a good set of caring people around me, but it isn't the same. He and I fit like two pieces cut from the same piece of wood. Our strange edges that lock us out of belonging from others are what bring us together. I am now the odd one out, third wheel, now with a new convenient travel companion. All the fun single girl type things I could do last deployment are now pretty much out of the question. Even when I have someone offer to watch Lil Bit, I can't imagine leaving her for even a few hours.

Tomorrow, she turns four months. She is too little for cake and ice cream celebrations, but the idea makes me realize that Chad will miss her actual first birthday and the missing him, his missing her makes the tears come . . .

Here comes the rain again
Falling on my head like a memory
Falling on my head like a new emotion
I want to walk in the open wind
I want to talk like lovers do
I want to dive into your ocean
Is it raining with you

and this song feels like the tears raining down. I hope he knows I am thinking of him right now.

Day 364

Yesterday I forgot the eggs on the counter when I went to work, so I am minus eggs for the week. Running to the store just is too much of a hassle with a baby to make it worth the effort this week. I drag myself to the car, but outside the school doors, a breeze whips around me. What? not 107 today? Only 90!! Sheesh, it is a cold front, so I decide it is time to start working on my exercise regime and take the baby for a walk/jog when we get home. One of the nice things about a deployment is that the only schedule I have to account for is my own. It is hard to take even a couple of hours away from him when he is home because he is home so rarely. Even when he isn't deployed, he works late, stays overnight for staff duty or spends a week at gunnery or goes for a few weeks or months to various schools. It works out that he is gone more than 50% of our lives "together," so I generally opt out of most activities that get in the way of having dinner together, but when he is gone, I can eat at five and walk at eight or vice versa. I play these little mental games like enjoying the relative freedoms in order to survive the crushing loneliness and emptiness.

But there are only so many hours in the day, and I have only a few hours of energy left, so I rush into the house to change for a walk. The house smells too strongly of coffee. Uh oh, a tiny green light glares at me accusingly. Stupid, cheap coffee pot doesn't shut off. Luckily, I didn't start a fire and roast my Maggie dog. Two days and two brain farts. Goal for tomorrow, don't leave baby anywhere or put bra in the freezer. Being a working parent is hard and doing it alone, so far is a work in progress.

After the walk, I check email, also a new mandatory activity every few hours. I just never know when he'll get a second to chat online. No news, but on Facebook, his regiment has posted pictures from Kuwait. I sift dejectedly through albums of pictures. They are a sea of digital ACU's and it is hard to see anyone, but then it might be? is it? oh, it is, it's him. Just seeing his face makes me feel whole again. At least now I know he has made it to Kuwait and is safe. I wasn't really worried, but each moment between emails, phone calls, skype sessions has a weight to it that defies definition. His voice is a touchstone, a security that buys another night of peace. For tonight, the picture will have to do.

Day 366

          So . . . here it is. After months of looming, the day is finally here. His last day at home before leaving for Iraq, AGAIN. I try not to cry when I ask my principal if I can leave a few minutes early at the end of the day. I decide that supportive smiles are good, but not sure they are worth the pitying looks from my acquaintances who are at varying levels of understanding about what I am about to go through and really have been going through for months. We live near a military base; people, for the most part, get it, but unless you have gone through it and sometimes even unless you've gone through it more than once, the nuances of the challenges of this military life escape even the most sympathetic friend. By the end of the school day, I teach high school, I am ready to race home and take off my heels and see Chad, but there is an aura surrounding our exchanges. So many words hang in the air, unsaid but felt, back and forth. He wants to tell me so many things, but his mouth can't seem to juggle the marble ideas in his head and spit them out. Instead he grasps my fingertips with my arms wrapped around the baby and whispers, "I love you." And takes her, wanting his last few minutes with her too. By the time he sees her again, she will be crawling, maybe even walking. Today she smiles and is working up to giggling, but is still very much a newborn. When he comes home, she will have celebrated her first birthday and be several months closer to the next one. I watch him feed and snuggle her. Her whole faces explodes into a Cheshire grin when he smiles at her. I am worried that his leaving will subconsciously make her feel abandoned by men or sad even though as an adult, she will never remember this year without her daddy. I will have each day etched across my heart.


He wants to eat at his favorite sushi place. I think raw fish should still be swimming in someone's tank, but I concede. He is leaving his home and heading to a place he affectionately (read sarcasm) calls "the armpit of the world" or "prison" depending on his mood. I will be lonely and sad, and probably sleepless, but I can eat at my favorite place whenever I want, so I acquiesce. We have sushi and spend some time on the couch after dinner watching TV, because even though, in my head, I have plenty of emotional time bombs to drop and make this evening special, electric, etc. I don't really know what to say. If we haven't loved each other enough all year long, the next ten minutes or just the right phrase, won't fix it. We almost say nothing as we start to discuss the most ridiculous news headlines of recent days. The laughter pulls us together. We laugh and want to fall asleep, but he has to go inspect barracks, so we kiss goodnight. His goodbye is only for a few hours yet, but the word tastes bitter on my tongue. I fall asleep and wait to wake up at four to say good-bye. The dreams are frantic and jumbled images, some with him and some where he is already gone. At some point I reach across and he is there and I am tempted to stay awake just to memorize the safe warmness of him, but drowsiness wins and I crash back into slumber.

He wakes just before four and I get up to say goodbye. Some wives will take the morning and go to sit in the gym bleachers, hear all the speeches, etc. but I have to get to work and can't see waking the baby this early will help her stay in this new routine we're trying to develop, so we decided that good-bye is the same whether we say it now or in two hours. Besides I don't have to have a brave face for anyone at home. I cry ugly sobs when the minute comes. I am really trying here, but you can't capture the horrible lead weight in my chest feeling with words. I tell him to come home and be safe. And he is gone. I stumble around the house picking up cast off items that didn't make the final duffel bag. I finally drop back into bed for an hour or so before my first day as a single mom commences.