Day 79: Thanks CNN

This morning I woke up and started the coffee pot, grabbed the baby for breakfast and didn't check email or Facebook until we'd been up an hour. I had message on Facebook from my MIL asking if Chad was OK. Apparently she was watching the news, and CNN was reporting the following:

Baghdad (CNN) -- Five U.S. servicemembers were killed Monday in central Iraq, the U.S. military said in a written statement.

The deaths are the single largest loss of life among U.S. troops in Iraq since 2009, and they come as Iraq debates whether to request U.S. troops stay beyond a January 1, 2012, deadline that requires 46,000 American forces out of the country.

The U.S. military did not say how or where the five died.

But two Iraqi security officials told CNN Monday that the servicemembers were killed during an early morning mortar attack at a U.S. military base in southeastern Baghdad. You can read the rest by clicking on the link - CNN story.

My heart immediately sank. I know that my husband is near that area, depending on how accurate they are being with location. Although I am not exactly sure where because all the maps of bases and posts that used to be available online have been removed (for obvious reasons). I also know they've been dealing with increased mortars and IEDs.

THIS IS WHY I DON'T WATCH THE NEWS!!! I am not usually one to freak out, but this really has me thrown for a loop. I haven't heard from him today and the news isn't releasing any new information about where or which troops were killed until the families are notified. He called his son yesterday for his birthday and had a terrible connection, I'm told, but other than that I didn't hear from him since lunchtime on Saturday.

I am pinning my hopes on the fact that I am not hard to find, and if they were trying to notify me, I think they would have been here already. But I can't get the sick feeling out of my stomach. In a few hours, I may have an email from my husband and feel very silly for getting so upset, but right now, I hate to admit it, but I am terrified. I hope to feel very ridiculous.

In an effort to find out what is happening, I contacted our FRG leader (family readiness group) to ask what she had heard. She said she hadn't heard anything, which is kind of good news, but would call our Rear D (rear detachment are the troops who maintain operations back home, keep open communications between spouses and troops, etc.) I spent the next three hours checking my email every five seconds. She answered me very quickly about making the call and then nothing. I really got worried then. She might not email me back if it was our troops and/or my husband because they will only notify people in person.

I literally started paying attention to cars outside the house, left my computer open so I could see the second I had an email. Nothing for hours. I was drying my hair watching Lil Bit play in her exer-saucer and my emotions got the better of me. I couldn't imagine her facing the rest of her life without her dad. I couldn't imagine trying to be a mom in the midst of grieving. In my head, I am picturing the complete meltdown I would face and then having to be strong for her.

It was a LONG four hours. I finally saw my husband's roommate online on FB chat. I quickly asked him if they were OK. He answered that they were fine, a little irritated that their internet was down, but otherwise, just fine. I was very relieved. I let my family and friends know that he was OK, but just as quickly realized that five wives were still getting the devastating news that their husbands weren't coming home and five more that their spouses were injured.

My FRG leader still hasn't emailed back which makes me think it might have been some of our group, if not my husband's troop. I spent four hours imagining the worst, which is WHY I DON'T WATCH THE NEWS!!! I still had hope that it wasn't my soldier so I don't exactly know how it would feel, but a glimpse into that horror was more than I ever want to experience again!

My heart aches for those spouses and families. I don't know how you would deal with such earth shattering grief. All I can do is pray for them and for safety for the rest of our forces as the insurgents try to increase the violence to take credit for driving American forces out of the country. My countdown to welcoming him home is more real to me than ever. I am still hopeful that he will be home earlier than a year. In fact, I think he is supposed to be home a week earlier than he left last year, but I am not changing my count. I am counting down until he is home. When he gets on a plane, I will update to one day left. But I refuse to chance jinxing anything. 

Day 182: Anxious

As R&R draws closer, many military wives start feeling a little anxious. R&R is the only two weeks in which we get to spend time with our spouses for an entire year. There is a lot of pressure to make those two weeks amazing.

We also get a little nervous about seeing each other for the first time in so long. I don't care how many times we've been separated each reunion is fraught with nerves about how it will go. When will he know for sure what plane he is on? Where will I pick him up? Will it be weird to see each other? Will he care how clean the house is? how much weight I've gained, lost, or didn't lose?

One of the worries that seems pretty universal but no one really admits is sharing space again. Over the deployment, wives lay claim to the space in the house, reorganize, spread out. Having the freedom to do that is one of the things that makes a deployment bearable. I can't spend the year looking at empty spaces where he should be. It makes his absence too present. I don't erase him from the house, but I use his side of the bed, spread out my things across the headboard shelf. I move things I don't use to the back of the cabinets and leave things out I use daily.

When he comes home, sharing can be a source of a lot of conflict. He drops his C-bag and things start taking up room again. He has every right to have room in his own home, but it is a disruption in the daily habits that you've established while he was gone. He has to understand that he is coming home to a household that has been running in his absence and will have to keep going when he leaves again after two short weeks. She has to understand that he needs to feel at home for those weeks, welcomed and relaxed, so that he can rest and recuperate to be prepared to return.

For me, my biggest concern is sleep. I don't sleep well. My sleep is generally not restful and I am tired a lot. Maybe I am just getting old, maybe my breathing is a problem. When Chad comes home, it is going to be hard for me to share the bed. I have been used to tossing and turning as I need to. When sharing the bed, I tend to be more conscious of disturbing him so I stay pretty immobile and wake with tingling arms. It is just one of the many adjustments to our household R&R will bring. We will have the boys over R&R as well, so the house is going to go from pretty calm and quiet to wild and crazy.

It is quite an adjustment for me who has become accustomed to quiet. Once I get used to the noise and activity, I enjoy it, but when it is for such a short spurt, it is just a big change. And that is the key, being open to the change. This life of a military wife is all about change, change in plans, R&R dates, schools, posts, deployments. While it is something I have had to work very hard at, being able to roll with the punches is the only way to survive the army.

There is no magic pill to creating an idyllic, peaceful, perfect marriage. It takes a lot of hard work, compromise and forgiveness to have a marriage that works, never mind perfect. All the coming together and separating makes for a crazy relationship with more stressors than most couples ever face. The key to being able to handle those challenges is to communicate clearly, early and often and for each person to be more selfless than selfish. If both people are willing to give, both end up winning. It is when we worry too much about the I that we forget a marriage is always about an US, and there is only a U in us.

I will have to remind myself to give, to relax, to let go because I do love him, and he needs this break so horribly. But I am still going to be nervous and excited, worried and joyous about seeing him again. It is hard to look forward to it too much knowing how fast it will be over and time to say good-bye, but tomorrows are never guaranteed, just promises, so I plan to use every day I have to love him the best I can. At least having a nine month old has increased my tolerance for clutter since army gear seems to multiply like wet gremlins. Now if only I knew WHEN he might actually get here . . .