Day 327: Mommy brain

According to my friends this brain deadness is "Mommy Brain" and is not conditional on hormones, just sleep deprivation and the fact that you now are secondary in your own life, or perhaps even tertiary if you put husband, job, house or pets before yourself, which I have a tendency to do. I used to be able to balance 5-7 tasks at one time. Or was at least able to be thinking about several things at once. Now I am lucky if I am thinking anything at all. I spend a lot of time just staring at people blankly, trying not to fall asleep or drool onto the desk. My first obvious screw up - Well, I mailed my stepsons the photo album and card I spent so much time working on for my husband's dad for his birthday. And he was VERY confused about why he got water balloons and squish balls. I almost cried. It took longer for them to get their packages than Chad's did to get to Iraq and now it is even more delayed because boys' mom and sister-in-law have to mail them to correct locations.

By Fridays most weeks, I have gone 5 days on 5-6 hours of sleep. My body feels rested at around 8-9. I am shorting myself 3-4 hours of sleep a night 5 out of 7 nights a week. I am just too tired to think by Friday night. And this just made me feel worse! I don't even remember doing it. I used to plan for every contingency months in advance, now I feel lucky if I get out the door with all her and my stuff and have managed to make sure we're both wearing pants.

At the last minute, I decided to invite a new friend over to the house for pizza and wine tasting. It was so nice to just hang out and chat. I really didn't have the energy to go out anywhere and sitting on the couch dishing about Grey's Anatomy and men and the army, etc. was really nice. She and I have a lot in common. It is about a million times easier to have people over than go anywhere, but I feel weird asking people to come over to my house all the time. It was nice to have her come and bring her dog who ran around like crazy with my Maggie dog. They had fun too.

It was just what I needed to feel like a real person and have some non-work related adult conversation. Mommy brain got to take a mini vacation. And now, if I can just sleep in tomorrow!!

Day 334: 11 to go

I don't know how to feel today. Last night, I watched Bones on TV. Booth was wearing army ACUs. He had my attention instantly. When you're used to seeing something everyday and you don't for awhile, it is almost surprising. Plus, while David Boreanaz doesn't resemble my husband feature for feature. There is definitely a resemblance in his presence, carriage, general appearance to Chad. I could feel myself sit up straighter and lean closer to the TV. I have been so busy, I don't have a lot of time to sit around being melancholy, missing my husband. But seeing the uniform made me miss the way it feels to hug him when he comes home from work, the stiff velcro of his labels poking me with sharp corners, the fabric coarse and crinkley, the wings from his air assault badge sharp under my hands.

As of today, he has been gone a month. It feels like he just left some days, while others it feels like forever since I saw him. I think, that despite my lack of sleep. I am functioning pretty well. I do tend to get more emotional as the week progresses due to lack of sleep. I am still not getting to bed any earlier. I try, but life conspires against my sleep! Maybe next week?

While I have cried or at least teared up more in this past month than, I think, ever in my life, most of it has been due to sleep deprivation or frustration rather than sadness. I worry my give a damn is broken.  I worry that this half life of being together is making me distant and cold. Then a moment of watching a silly show with a character in a uniform that I am sure Chad would have totally ripped for being inaccurate, gives me such pause. My breath catches and for a second my heart feels heavy and pounds.  In that second, I realize I miss him so much more than I have time to even contemplate, although at night, I am totally hogging the middle of the bed. I have joked before, but I may need to break down and get a new KING sized bed while he is gone. I am getting way too used to having one foot dangling off each side of the bed while I sleep!

Well, we've got one down - just eleven to go. Wow! I do still have a long way to go on my weight loss and running goals though. Better get crackalackin'!!