Day 81: Lazy

Other than the Alice Cooper song "School's Out," I had this one running through my head all day yesterday as I closed up my classroom for the summer. It is the new Bruno Mars' song.  

"Today I Don't Feel Like Doing Anything
I Just Wanna Lay In My Bed
Don't Feel Like Pickin' Up My Phone
So Leave A Message At The Tone
'Cause Today I swear I'm Not Doin' Anythin'

I'm Gonna Kick My Feet Up
Then Stare At The Fan
Turn The TV On
[Just wear my pajama] Pants
Nobody's Gon' Tell Me I Can't"

I woke up to a fussing baby at 7 but despite going to bed early, was still exhausted. I was absolutely ready to spend the day in my pajama's. I had justified my laziness by talking to myself the whole way to get the baby. I had the whole summer to exercise and be productive. I could allow myself one day. But when I went outside to drop some mail in the box, the weather was so nice that I decided to take the baby for a walk and then gave the dog a bath. We were pretty lazy the rest of the day, just playing together and napping. It was a nice way to start the summer. 

We even got a chance to talk to daddy on the computer. Lil Bit was so excited! She actually talked back to him and played peek-a-boo on the video chat. I loved watching her face light up when the video came up and she saw his face. She pointed at the screen and said, "Da da." 

I wish I had been a bit more productive, but I did even take a little time to work on my novel. I have a few more things I need to get done tomorrow. But the day turned out pretty great. Lil Bit learned some new signs and we played. Just a nice lazy, mommy day. 

Day 85: Night out

As I write this, I feel immensely guilty for not spending more time with my Lil Bit tonight, but I planned on going out for a couple of hours tonight to celebrate a friend's bachelorette party. I knew after a long weekend of just us girls, it wouldn't kill her to not be with me the entire evening. We had 72 hours of mommy and me, three hours of a play date/babysitting was not only something I should do for me, but also for her. She needs her routine shaken up from time to time to help her be more flexible, but it is so hard to say that when the consequences are crying and fussing.

All that being said, I had a nice time. It was pretty tame as far as bachelorette parties go, but we had fun. We talked, gave fun advice about marriage and had delicious snacks. I will say that practicing strip tease workouts with your friends is definitely something you should video tape, hilarious!!!

The baby had fun on a little playdate, but it was a long day with very little mommy time and almost her entire day was out of the house. She napped in her carseat and ate dinner in her high chair, but other than that she was at school, in the car or at my friend's in-laws for a playdate/babysitting.

She was really good for most of the evening considering it was totally out of her routine, but she cried the whole way home. I ended up singing "The Wheels on the Bus" for the last couple of miles while she snivelled in the back seat. It was pretty pathetic.

I know I needed the night out. I know in the long run, it won't kill her, but tonight was hard that I only saw her for a few harried moments after work and before bed. She didn't lay down to sleep until 10:30 and I am hoping to be in bed myself in a few minutes. I hate turning down social engagements, but any disruption to our routine means tears and fussiness and sometimes just isn't worth it.

I am glad I decided just to bite the bullet and go, but it was hard. The mommy guilt hit me when she just cried and cried the whole way home, but those few hours of being an adult out of the house, with "gasp" a glass of wine, made me feel a little more like me and a little less like the crazy pajama mommy who chases around after Lil Bit all the time.

I need to schedule required mommy out days now, while I am thinking straight and know it is important for both of us to socialize out of our usual routines. Otherwise this summer might turn me into the host from Romper Room. I don't want to need a rubber room come August, just love my daughter. On the other hand, I may love it so much that I don't want to leave. Either way, a night out with my girls is still going to be a necessity.

Day 87: Groundhog Day

As much as I have been looking forward to summer vacation, I am a little afraid of being all mommy all the time for two months. I really enjoyed being home with the baby last summer, but she wasn't mobile and napped a lot.

This summer is going to be very different. She is all go go go. I've kept her pretty well contained in the living room, but that is going to have to change. She is going to need more room to explore very soon. She is learning and developing so quickly.

After this weekend, I am mostly concerned about turning into a recluse reliving the same day over and over. We wake up, do potty time, get some food in us, go for a run/walk, eat breakfast, cool down, play, lunch, nap, play, dinner, play, bath, bed. Like a very boring version of the movie, Groundhog Day. 


I really want to use her nap time to write, but I am afraid I will mostly be using it to nap too. Between the Texas heat and the energy used running, I may end up sleeping with her many days. Although I think I may have to dial down the distance after this weekend. I ran 4.3 miles Saturday, but it burned me out for most of the rest of the day. I was so sore and achey that all it felt like all I could do to survive the day. Very hard to be a mommy with no energy.

I have so many things I want to do, but somehow I end up on the couch, trying to stay awake. I think I am going to have to have some caffeine in my summer routine. Although Lil Bit was so great last night. She went to bed at 9:30 and I didn't hear a peep from her at all. Finally at 9, I went in to check on her and she was playing with her stuffed zebra. I think she had just woken up, but who knows. She was very quiet. I actually slept until 8 myself and was up doing stuff before she woke up.

I started with the day with a backache so I took some Excedrin. I think the caffeine helped me wake up and get moving. Other than coffee, I don't have any drinks in the house with caffeine. I am definitely going to have to revise that strategy.

But today ended on a high note. Lil Bit took her first steps!! She walked three times and stood up for long time periods a few more. She even danced a little bit. I was so worried that I would miss it. If the summer is full of moments like this, maybe I won't mind living it over and over.

Day 221: Sharing is caring

Yesterday I had to pick up Lil Bit from school because she was running a temp. She spent the entire day coughing, sneezing, and crying. There were points last night and today, her nose appeared like a little snot faucet. I gave her a prescribed decongestant/anti-histamine. It certainly didn't dry her up. It may have acted like a mucus propulsion system, but it certainly was not pseudo-ephedrine based, otherwise known as effective. So she dripped and hacked and basically was like a mini patient zero. A stuffed dog, monkey and giggle kitty have already been infected, and a shake lamb rattle is looking grim.

I tried to wash hands, use clean tissues for her face and mine, but after she basically was covered in snot and rubbed it all over her own face and then reached for me, I think it was a lost cause. I started feeling sick last night, but am in denial. If I pretend to be ok, I will be. Maybe not, but whining about it almost always makes it worse, so I did my best to keep up with her today, keep her from smearing the floor or dog with bodily fluids, and tried not to get grossed out by having to touch her. Ughh, I can do poopy pants, even when they are gross and it doesn't bother me, but the rivers of mucus down her face were a bit much. She was clingy and tired and cranky. It was another fun weekend of separation anxiety plus the flu, yay!

So we snuggled up and took a nice long nap today. I did get laundry done but the house is pretty much a lost cause. We were supposed to attend a semi-formal game party tonight, but she seemed worse today and I didn't want her infecting everyone. Plus, I really don't want to have to miss work if she stays sick, so I have to try to cram in as much rest as possible. She didn't seem very interested in food today, but eating with a sore throat is no fun. I don't know if she can or should have chicken soup, but maybe a few spoonfuls tomorrow wouldn't hurt.

I think this is probably harder when they are little and can't tell you what hurts. Maybe getting it myself is a blessing so I can guess what symptoms she might be having too. I know my ears feel itchy, not like an earache yet, but starting and the cough is chesty and hurts. I will definitely have to watch her to see at what point do I take her to the doctor. On a picture of Lil Bit laying on my lap today, a friend of mine posted a comment, "All you want when you're sick is your mama."

It made me stop and again realize that I am her mom. I still crave hot soup and grilled cheese and saltine crackers and seven-up when I get sick. If combined in an exact combination or sequence, I am not sure if these foods have magical properties to cure, but they do transport me back to school sick days and mommy taking care of me. Kinda sucks right now because I don't feel good either and could use my own mommy, but very sweet to think we're building those memories and a relationship right now.

Like most of mommyhood so far, it is a lot of guessing, a lot of winging it and praying not to do any permanent damage, and a lot of hoping love glosses over the rough patches. I can't read her mind. I can't make her get well, but I can hug her and never mind the glob of yuck on my shoulder or the sticky strands of my hair that she has chewed on. I can understand I am going to catch whatever plague she has and just move on to doing what she needs from me.

Day 289: Sick

I have no immune system, never really had one. I was sick a lot as a kid, and now spend all day everyday around germy, snotty kids. I get sick a lot. Plus I have ALLERGIES, 24/7 which means my sinuses are a mess on a good day and ripe for conquest by any opportunistic bug.

I got sick last week and have no time to slow down or rest and it just keeps getting worse. I should have stayed home today. I really should have taken Lil Bit to daycare and stayed home to sleep. I am so sick I am miserable. I can't think, my voice is gone and all I want to do is take a nap. But I ache so much that sleep is kind of wasted too.

Yesterday I spent the day feeling SO rotten and not knowing what to do about it. I ate dry cereal from the box for breakfast. Lunch, mmmmmm, might have been a brownie from party leftovers if anything. It was one of those days I didn't even want to call someone. Complaining about it wasn't going to make it any better and calling my mom wasn't going to magically transport her to my house. I needed my mommy yesterday. I needed someone to bring me soup and crackers and watch the baby so I could nap. She just didn't really nap yesterday. She kind of "crap" naps, little 20-30 minute naps, which are not long enough to do anything for me except make me feel drowsy.

I have a horrible cough and sore throat and just overall feel like poop. I just feel so helpless. I can't do anything. Usually I could take a weekend and sleep to get over it, but with Lil Bit, no such luck. I have to just keep pressing on. I have a training tomorrow and will be absent from class already so I didn't want to miss today. Plus, I am trying to save the few sick days I have left for my surgery and Chad's R&R. I want to be able to be home with him the whole time he is home. You would think that after three or four major separations, it would get easier to go to work when he is home, but that isn't really the case. The longer he is gone, the more time I feel cheated from spending with him and those two precious weeks are even more important.

I just feel so helpless. My husband is expecting a package. In this packaged I promised to send him pictures and a video CD of the baby. I don't even know how to edit the videos or get them onto discs. I spent the entire night trying to find a stupid USB cable to hook up video camera to the computer, only to realize the port I was trying to use wasn't the USB hook up, it was the AV hook up. Finally got it plugged in and couldn't get it to make a disc. I could make a picture CD for him, but not a video cd. I don't know what the difference is or why it won't work, but I am exhausted, have started coughing with a deep throaty painful cough and my ears hurt and my doctor left his practice last week. I got the letter he was leaving two days after his last day. THAT was handy!


It was definitely a Monday. I miss my husband. I miss having someone around. A lot of people take that partnership for granted. I probably do from time to time, but if nothing else, this year of single mommyhood will decrease the likelihood of that happening again. Mommies don't get sick days. And when you follow a soldier from post to post, sometimes there isn't anyone to watch your dog or hold the baby or bring you soup.

No big lesson today, sometimes there is no answer, no solution, you just have to "soldier" through and hope things improve. No matter what, they will change, so do what you can to make them be better. On that note, Nyquil, here I come. Pillow, you're next!

Day 323: Something new

I gave up on love after my ex-husband and some disastrous dating. I thought I would never find someone worth letting myself love again. Then I met my husband Chad, and I realized I had never been loved. I finally had someone who looked at me and saw the woman of his dreams. He worried about impressing me. He loves to see me smile and wants to make me happy. He was loving me just as much as I was loving him. I felt loved for the first time in my life and loved (still do) him just as much. I finally felt that someone saw the real me, behind every mask I ever tried to wear, and loved me anyway. My heart breathed a sigh of relief and finally believed I knew what love was.

Then in the last few days, I realized what I found and am still finding with my husband was only the beginning of all the things love could be. I know I have written before about how much I love my beautiful daughter. But today, I realized she loves me too. She doesn't know the word, she is just figuring out she has feet, but she loves me. I have walked into daycare for two months and she doesn't really seem to have any reaction when I come in. Today she saw me from across the room and her face lit up. She twisted and turned around the girl holding her to watch me.

Then I had to make an emergency stop for gas on the way home. My gas gauge was glowing and growing emptier and emptier. I was glad I didn't chug into the station on fumes. I watched her through the rear window. She was playing with her car seat toy that Nana bought her.  Usually she is very focused just on her self and in her lap. This afternoon, she was looking around and looking a little concerned. I peeked in at her. When she realized I was there with her, she smiled and continued batting at her frog, looked up again just to make sure I really was still there and smiled again.

I realized I am her safe zone. I make her feel secure. My smile makes her smile. When I clap and cheer for her, she grins from ear to ear. Someday I will be who she wants when her tummy hurts. I will be the one she calls when she is scared and alone, even when she is forty (God willing I can be there to take that call). How wonderful and humbling. I am discovering love in new and wonderful ways as I feel more and more like a mommy everyday. I can't imagine a more powerful feeling than knowing I will forever be tied to this little person.

Sometimes literally, but who cares. Even in the evening, when I used to be able to put her down to let her play for a few moments, she now often wants me just to hold her. She misses me. So things I planned to do might not get done, but these precious moments of being able to wrap her up in my arms and give her everything she needs in a hug will go too fast.

Day 327: Mommy brain

According to my friends this brain deadness is "Mommy Brain" and is not conditional on hormones, just sleep deprivation and the fact that you now are secondary in your own life, or perhaps even tertiary if you put husband, job, house or pets before yourself, which I have a tendency to do. I used to be able to balance 5-7 tasks at one time. Or was at least able to be thinking about several things at once. Now I am lucky if I am thinking anything at all. I spend a lot of time just staring at people blankly, trying not to fall asleep or drool onto the desk. My first obvious screw up - Well, I mailed my stepsons the photo album and card I spent so much time working on for my husband's dad for his birthday. And he was VERY confused about why he got water balloons and squish balls. I almost cried. It took longer for them to get their packages than Chad's did to get to Iraq and now it is even more delayed because boys' mom and sister-in-law have to mail them to correct locations.

By Fridays most weeks, I have gone 5 days on 5-6 hours of sleep. My body feels rested at around 8-9. I am shorting myself 3-4 hours of sleep a night 5 out of 7 nights a week. I am just too tired to think by Friday night. And this just made me feel worse! I don't even remember doing it. I used to plan for every contingency months in advance, now I feel lucky if I get out the door with all her and my stuff and have managed to make sure we're both wearing pants.

At the last minute, I decided to invite a new friend over to the house for pizza and wine tasting. It was so nice to just hang out and chat. I really didn't have the energy to go out anywhere and sitting on the couch dishing about Grey's Anatomy and men and the army, etc. was really nice. She and I have a lot in common. It is about a million times easier to have people over than go anywhere, but I feel weird asking people to come over to my house all the time. It was nice to have her come and bring her dog who ran around like crazy with my Maggie dog. They had fun too.

It was just what I needed to feel like a real person and have some non-work related adult conversation. Mommy brain got to take a mini vacation. And now, if I can just sleep in tomorrow!!

Day 357: Flyin By

This week I have been struggling with something non-deployment related. I have known for many years that I would not be able to ever carry a biological child. I have grieved off and on over that. But I have had a feeling since I was in high school that I would never get pregnant. Maybe my body knew that things inside were irreparably damaged from my birth defects and complications. In any case, I hoped and prayed over having a baby for many years.

Last spring we were selected by a birth mother and six weeks later, we had Lil Bit. After the expense of adoption, I knew working this year was going to be a must; I knew working this year would be emotionally challenging; I had no idea how much it would hurt. The first day of putting her into daycare was a nightmare. My generally happy baby was a disaster. I picked her up and she was furiously fussy. She screamed and cried for hours. I literally sat in her rocking chair, clutching her and sobbing. Chad just kept walking past making sure I was all right. He finally walked in, kissed me on my head and said if you're waiting for permission to quit, do what you gotta do. Of course, if quitting was realistically an option I would have done it in July so they had enough time to replace me. However, if she didn't start adjusting to daycare, I was going to have to reconsider.

Lil Bit isn't the only one having a hard time adjusting. This weekend some developmental switch flipped in her and she has become very responsive. She has always been pretty alert. Even when she was a preemie and slept 22 hours a day, the minutes she was awake, she was bright eyed, watching everything. Sunday especially I noticed her playing with her toys, reaching for them. Her giggles and coos are musical. I who have to be constantly engaged with TV, cell phone, laptop - have turned everything off just to talk with her. My DVR is hopelessly full.

4:30 tonight, I walked to my car and started driving toward her school. Honking the horn and trying to make all five lights in between my school and hers, I felt like if I didn't get to her right then, I was going to cry. When I saw her, I had to just stand still and hold her. Five minutes, then ten. Other parents are weaving around me to pick up their children and I stand in front of her crib, blinking back tears. I don't know how I am going to do it tomorrow. When I wake her up in the morning, I just want to snuzzle her, watch her giggle, listen to her talk to her fingers. They have very intellectual conversations you know.

More than just normal motherly guilt, I waited 15 years for her. I spent more than an entire year's salary to adopt her and some of Chad's. Now I am missing this most precious time in her life. I love teaching and think I am very good at it, but I have never felt more like me than when I am with her. She and I every evening just together. While I would never wish for Chad to miss a second, I do feel like God blessed me with her in my life right now. Tonight I played 80s one hit wonders, sang poorly and loudly while we splashed all the water out of her tub and couldn't have been happier. I realized the other day that all the memories that make up me, the fall on my bike or the jumping down the stairs trying to fly or watching my mom stir breakfast over the stove on icy Chicago mornings, those moments of my childhood - these days, these moments are the images, feelings, impressions and eventually memories that she will carry like a suitcase with her into the world. It is my job to fill that suitcase with as much love and happiness as she can hold. I have an idea of who I want her to remember her mom being when she was little - fun, silly, spontaneous, gentle - THERE.

I have tried to find a way to finagle our finances, but I can't make money out of thin air. I am a budgeting genius when I need to be, but I am not magical. If I want to be able to stay home with her for a year or two someday, I have to get rid of our car payments. I need to build up some savings again and plan for a few lean years. I don't know how I am going to make it. I must watch the video of her from Sunday morning two - three times a day. By lunchtime I need to see her. My heart hurts and there is nothing I can do but survive it. One of my student's has Asperger's and his goal for today was to live through it. While he is a tad dramatic, I completely understand. I feel like I am counting days, days of school when I have to be away from her, days Chad is gone.

Uno, dos, tres, quattro, cinco . . ." Her daughters are a teacher, a nurse, a physician's assistant. We are the product of a mom who gave everything for us. Doesn't my daughter deserve the same?  I am left crying and answerless. I have no more hands to juggle all these balls and can't find a mystical answer tonight. Many other women will sympathize and say, but I went back to work, suck it up, but they won't understand the ache in my heart that she filled and that I literally think I would rather be broke and home than leave her one more day.

No pithy ending - just alone listening to her snifflely breathing over the monitor trying to resist waking her for more hugs. She and I both need the sleep. Maybe just one more peek and peck. It is never enough! Have you seen those cheeks!?! This first year, this sweetest, baby year is already FLYIN' BY and I just want it to stop. I want to freeze that hour when she is all smiles and alert and thinks I am just everything. Like a popsicle in Texas, it will be gone before I even realize how sweet it was.

Day 363

Survived one whole day without forgetting anything. Turned everything off, brought my lunch to school, didn't leave briefcase at home - woo hoo! I am sure I have many rough days to look forward to as Lil Bit gets bigger, sleeps less and starts MOVING. Never underestimate the joy of knowing the baby can't get into stuff yet. I know it's coming, but for today, I just wanna crash. She fell asleep in her car seat on the way home. Am I a rotten mom for leaving her in the seat for her nap? She hasn't slept all day and I wanted time to actually eat. Anyone else notice a baby can be quiet and happy until mommy has food? Can she smell the food or just sense I might actually get to eat without bouncing her on my shoulder? I am already missing the extra pair of hands to get her when I am in the middle of something, just worn out or would like five minutes alone in the powder room without worrying that the dog is licking her head again. I have survived a deployment as a girlfriend/fiancee, one as a wife, and now one as a mother - can I be done yet? Ugh.

I found another picture of my husband on Facebook, but still no emails. This first part is hard. We haven't set up a pattern or gotten into habits yet. I don't know when he might call or if he'll call soon. Previous deployments, Kuwait was a bus stop to Iraq, but Chad thinks he might be there training for a little longer. I wonder if it has really hit me yet. I may just be running on fumes and when I have a few seconds, the truth will crash down like a tsunami. I am just going to enjoy my little trip down this river called Denial!

Met another blogger/army wife. She is having a rough few days. This is her first deployment and feels a little lost in a new job and alone. Plus some of her experiences with army wives have been less than positive. I wonder why so many of us get negative or gossipy? Maybe the complaining and gossip keeps  them busy or takes the focus off the deployment stress? I don't know for sure, and some people just have to be in the center of all the drama, but I guess I hope I can an example for her of how to handle the separation and stress with grace.