Day 334: 11 to go

I don't know how to feel today. Last night, I watched Bones on TV. Booth was wearing army ACUs. He had my attention instantly. When you're used to seeing something everyday and you don't for awhile, it is almost surprising. Plus, while David Boreanaz doesn't resemble my husband feature for feature. There is definitely a resemblance in his presence, carriage, general appearance to Chad. I could feel myself sit up straighter and lean closer to the TV. I have been so busy, I don't have a lot of time to sit around being melancholy, missing my husband. But seeing the uniform made me miss the way it feels to hug him when he comes home from work, the stiff velcro of his labels poking me with sharp corners, the fabric coarse and crinkley, the wings from his air assault badge sharp under my hands.

As of today, he has been gone a month. It feels like he just left some days, while others it feels like forever since I saw him. I think, that despite my lack of sleep. I am functioning pretty well. I do tend to get more emotional as the week progresses due to lack of sleep. I am still not getting to bed any earlier. I try, but life conspires against my sleep! Maybe next week?

While I have cried or at least teared up more in this past month than, I think, ever in my life, most of it has been due to sleep deprivation or frustration rather than sadness. I worry my give a damn is broken.  I worry that this half life of being together is making me distant and cold. Then a moment of watching a silly show with a character in a uniform that I am sure Chad would have totally ripped for being inaccurate, gives me such pause. My breath catches and for a second my heart feels heavy and pounds.  In that second, I realize I miss him so much more than I have time to even contemplate, although at night, I am totally hogging the middle of the bed. I have joked before, but I may need to break down and get a new KING sized bed while he is gone. I am getting way too used to having one foot dangling off each side of the bed while I sleep!

Well, we've got one down - just eleven to go. Wow! I do still have a long way to go on my weight loss and running goals though. Better get crackalackin'!!