Day 229: Routine and OCD

I am a tad routinized. I know my definition of a tad is probably not yours. I am not OCD, but organization does make me feel good. I feel calm when things are finished. If I am organized, I feel like I am prepared to deal with crises. I eat the same lunch everyday. I eat the same breakfast 90% of the time. I take comfort in some routines so that I can be completely unstructured other times. I figure if I can do all the things I have to do as quickly as possible, I can relax the rest of the time. When I relax, I literally do nothing. I let myself be completely unproductive or at least 90% unproductive. I don't get much of that time any more, but I work really hard to stash away as many of those precious minutes as I can.

In order to be that organized, I have to act a little OCD. I have to keep things in the exact same place everyday, so I don't waste precious minutes looking for things. I have my daily have to's scrolled back so that I can, if uninterrupted, finish them in 13 minutes. I can then spend the rest of the evening focused on Lil Bit and letting her set the pace. But to do that, I have to plan ahead. I buy enough food in one trip to the store to keep me from having to make another trip all week. I have a set list of items I need to make the shopping easier too. I don't have to worry if I have enough milk or bread because every time I get low, it goes on my list. Very rarely do I have to make an extra trip. Each trip to the store, even a one itemer is usually 30 minutes or more by the time you park, pull out the baby, walk in, and do it all in reverse. Then how often can you get out of the store with one item? I contend it can't be done in a Walmart or grocery store! I can't usually make it under $100 much less with only one item.

All of my seeming OCD, saves me hours over the course of a week. Maybe that much structure would drive you crazy, but I don't think it is that bad. I like my house a certain way, towels folded neatly, pantry in a specific order that really only makes sense to me. But I really challenge you to walk into someone else's house and not see a structured way of doing things. My MiL comes to visit and I feel like she is critical of how neurotically organized I am, but when I visit her house, I put things back exactly where I found them. Her house is spotless and organized. Everything is exactly where it was the last twenty times I was there. Now, she is more patient when things aren't put back than I am, but I get used to living alone. Every other year for 7 years, I have the house all to myself. I would suspect most people would get pretty territorial. The time I save for fun stuff by having my structure and organization makes it worth it, but from the outside I know being organization Nazi's can be off-putting even if it is what keeps you sane.

I have worked really hard not to impose my rigidity on the baby. My sister had twins and became obsessed with keeping them on a schedule. Everyone's lives revolved around their eating, sleeping, bathing, reading schedule. Preparenting days, I thought it was a little much. While I now understand the need children have for routine and structure, I vowed not to let my somewhat obsessive need for structure dictate my child's life. And I haven't. When we are at home, she eats when she is hungry, sleeps when she is tired, plays when she feels like it, etc. I wanted to let her develop her own center not mine. And she worked herself into her own schedule to some extent, but everything varies on a day to day basis.

After two weeks at home, what I've discovered is that even a lack an organized routine becomes her routine. When she started back to school, she freaked. She hasn't slept through the night all week. She is crazy fussy. She spent one evening crying more than she did all last month. I don't want her to feel driven to organize as an adult, but I have realized that she does need a little bit of structure. I can't explain to her about what will happen in a few days. I can mentally prepare to be on break or go back to work, but she doesn't understand from today to tomorrow. She lives in a now that last a few hours. Being able to expect me, food, sleep, snacks, hugs, is important for someone so little that the whole world feels like a surprise all the time.

So, my OCDlikeishness gives me more time with my most precious Lil Bit and helps her be able to feel secure in a world that changes for her almost daily as she changes the way she views it. I can embrace it for what it is and try to ignore it when it just isn't necessary. For the record I have left toys all over the living room for three nights now because it wasn't important enough to take time from everything else.

Day 334: 11 to go

I don't know how to feel today. Last night, I watched Bones on TV. Booth was wearing army ACUs. He had my attention instantly. When you're used to seeing something everyday and you don't for awhile, it is almost surprising. Plus, while David Boreanaz doesn't resemble my husband feature for feature. There is definitely a resemblance in his presence, carriage, general appearance to Chad. I could feel myself sit up straighter and lean closer to the TV. I have been so busy, I don't have a lot of time to sit around being melancholy, missing my husband. But seeing the uniform made me miss the way it feels to hug him when he comes home from work, the stiff velcro of his labels poking me with sharp corners, the fabric coarse and crinkley, the wings from his air assault badge sharp under my hands.

As of today, he has been gone a month. It feels like he just left some days, while others it feels like forever since I saw him. I think, that despite my lack of sleep. I am functioning pretty well. I do tend to get more emotional as the week progresses due to lack of sleep. I am still not getting to bed any earlier. I try, but life conspires against my sleep! Maybe next week?

While I have cried or at least teared up more in this past month than, I think, ever in my life, most of it has been due to sleep deprivation or frustration rather than sadness. I worry my give a damn is broken.  I worry that this half life of being together is making me distant and cold. Then a moment of watching a silly show with a character in a uniform that I am sure Chad would have totally ripped for being inaccurate, gives me such pause. My breath catches and for a second my heart feels heavy and pounds.  In that second, I realize I miss him so much more than I have time to even contemplate, although at night, I am totally hogging the middle of the bed. I have joked before, but I may need to break down and get a new KING sized bed while he is gone. I am getting way too used to having one foot dangling off each side of the bed while I sleep!

Well, we've got one down - just eleven to go. Wow! I do still have a long way to go on my weight loss and running goals though. Better get crackalackin'!!