Day 79: Thanks CNN

This morning I woke up and started the coffee pot, grabbed the baby for breakfast and didn't check email or Facebook until we'd been up an hour. I had message on Facebook from my MIL asking if Chad was OK. Apparently she was watching the news, and CNN was reporting the following:

Baghdad (CNN) -- Five U.S. servicemembers were killed Monday in central Iraq, the U.S. military said in a written statement.

The deaths are the single largest loss of life among U.S. troops in Iraq since 2009, and they come as Iraq debates whether to request U.S. troops stay beyond a January 1, 2012, deadline that requires 46,000 American forces out of the country.

The U.S. military did not say how or where the five died.

But two Iraqi security officials told CNN Monday that the servicemembers were killed during an early morning mortar attack at a U.S. military base in southeastern Baghdad. You can read the rest by clicking on the link - CNN story.

My heart immediately sank. I know that my husband is near that area, depending on how accurate they are being with location. Although I am not exactly sure where because all the maps of bases and posts that used to be available online have been removed (for obvious reasons). I also know they've been dealing with increased mortars and IEDs.

THIS IS WHY I DON'T WATCH THE NEWS!!! I am not usually one to freak out, but this really has me thrown for a loop. I haven't heard from him today and the news isn't releasing any new information about where or which troops were killed until the families are notified. He called his son yesterday for his birthday and had a terrible connection, I'm told, but other than that I didn't hear from him since lunchtime on Saturday.

I am pinning my hopes on the fact that I am not hard to find, and if they were trying to notify me, I think they would have been here already. But I can't get the sick feeling out of my stomach. In a few hours, I may have an email from my husband and feel very silly for getting so upset, but right now, I hate to admit it, but I am terrified. I hope to feel very ridiculous.

In an effort to find out what is happening, I contacted our FRG leader (family readiness group) to ask what she had heard. She said she hadn't heard anything, which is kind of good news, but would call our Rear D (rear detachment are the troops who maintain operations back home, keep open communications between spouses and troops, etc.) I spent the next three hours checking my email every five seconds. She answered me very quickly about making the call and then nothing. I really got worried then. She might not email me back if it was our troops and/or my husband because they will only notify people in person.

I literally started paying attention to cars outside the house, left my computer open so I could see the second I had an email. Nothing for hours. I was drying my hair watching Lil Bit play in her exer-saucer and my emotions got the better of me. I couldn't imagine her facing the rest of her life without her dad. I couldn't imagine trying to be a mom in the midst of grieving. In my head, I am picturing the complete meltdown I would face and then having to be strong for her.

It was a LONG four hours. I finally saw my husband's roommate online on FB chat. I quickly asked him if they were OK. He answered that they were fine, a little irritated that their internet was down, but otherwise, just fine. I was very relieved. I let my family and friends know that he was OK, but just as quickly realized that five wives were still getting the devastating news that their husbands weren't coming home and five more that their spouses were injured.

My FRG leader still hasn't emailed back which makes me think it might have been some of our group, if not my husband's troop. I spent four hours imagining the worst, which is WHY I DON'T WATCH THE NEWS!!! I still had hope that it wasn't my soldier so I don't exactly know how it would feel, but a glimpse into that horror was more than I ever want to experience again!

My heart aches for those spouses and families. I don't know how you would deal with such earth shattering grief. All I can do is pray for them and for safety for the rest of our forces as the insurgents try to increase the violence to take credit for driving American forces out of the country. My countdown to welcoming him home is more real to me than ever. I am still hopeful that he will be home earlier than a year. In fact, I think he is supposed to be home a week earlier than he left last year, but I am not changing my count. I am counting down until he is home. When he gets on a plane, I will update to one day left. But I refuse to chance jinxing anything. 

Day 114: Me too!

This weekend, I spent some time with military wives and it was so affirming to hear them discussing some of the same issues I have had. I know I put myself through some of it because I choose not to spend time with the FRG and get to know other military wives in my husband's unit. Deployments are tough and it was nice to hear that I am not the only one who has rough moments, especially as a "single" mom.

Being a primarily solitary person, I generally prefer to go home at the end of the day. I am tired and have enough to do at home between trying to keep up with baby and housework that any time I take away from the house is just some I will have to find elsewhere. I've also never been a joiner. I don't like organized activities and so many of them are just not my speed. But the FRG is a group of women who are going through the same things I am and there are times I feel a bit lost. I wish I had more time and energy to make more of an effort.

Listening to a friend say that she didn't really understand when she married a soldier that she was really signing up to be a single mom, made me feel better about how I've struggled and how frustrated I get sometimes. She even has been living with her mother for her husband's deployment. I feel so overwhelmed and alone a lot. I have to choose between taking care of things around the house and spending time with the baby. A lot of things slip through the cracks. Cracks, ha! that is rich, I have abysses!

The allergens have been crazy horrible this weekend and I jut got creamed. I spent the entire weekend trying to stay awake. Last night I was so tired that twice I dreamt I couldn't stay awake while driving. In one dream, I was sitting in the back seat with the baby while driving and couldn't reach the brake pedal. I crashed into a parked car because I fell asleep. Then I realized I had hit a family and a little kid was crushed between the two cars. It was horrible. I could barely drag myself out of sleep to acknowledge it was only a dream.

The dream, I think is pretty indicative of my central conflict: being with the baby, sleeping or doing the things I should be as an adult. I had another dream of sleeping while driving. I hate when I am so tired that I dream about being so tired I can't stay awake. Very strange. Being so tired is partially due to allergens and partially due to trying to do everything and be everything.

It was nice to hear my struggles mirrored in other women's voices. It makes me feel a little more normal and a little less of a failure. Being able to be surrounded by others sharing your experiences is therapeutic, which is why group therapy works. People like being able to feel that "me too!" I know it made a difference today when I just felt so frustrated at my weakness and humanity. 

Day 304: Two down

This weekend, I got a rare treat. I got an hour long phone call from my husband. All the aching to just talk to him this week and I got my wish. Man, that felt incredible. We got to say all the "I miss you"s and "I love you"s we wanted. We even had enough time to get past the niceties and necessities (you know, how much money is in my account, mailing home some things, what do you need in your next package, etc.) and get to just talk!

Ever since last deployment, when I noticed a few trends in how deployments go, I have had a little theory. The first few days are hard, then at about two weeks it gets hard again, then another breakdown around two months. I spent all week being overwhelmed by the stack of essays, report card time and all the joys it brings, the visitation of Reanna, the exhaustion from parenting, the loneliness, etc. and never realized I was hitting the two month mark.

Man, that sneaky son of a biscuit eating bulldog. The whole idea of the theory is to be prepared for the rough stuff but I was so busy, I didn't realize I had hit a crucial threshold. Two months is so hard because he has been gone long enough, it starts feeling like he is really gone. I start to forget the way he smells, the way his face feels before bed, the way it feels to look into his eyes. But I still remember enough to keep my heart aching, to make my chest hurt, enough to feel a little lost without him.

On top of everything else, the FRG sent out an email yesterday, to quell rumors about injuries, but since I hadn't heard the rumors, it kind of backfired. Luckily no one was seriously hurt and Chad wasn't wounded at all. But it just added to the emotions weighing on my heart. How funny, people say when it rains, it pours for a reason and not the weather. Just a rough, rough week. And today, I can't stop smiling. I miss him, I am tired, but my precious girl was all about me today. I got my grades finished, did my spreadsheet, and got to talk to my sweet sister and her lovely children too.

Next week is a new ballgame and who knows what it will bring. All I know for sure is that this won't be the last rough week I have, nor probably the roughest, but we are one-sixth the way through this bad boy! Two months down, ten to go, five until R&R. Woo hoo! If I made it through this patch, I can do the rest. And exploring new wines is certainly helping - - - http://affectionatelywiney.blogspot.com. Where being a wino is all about enjoying the journey! Mmm - back to my glass.