Day 158: Empathy

One of the best parts of being an army wife is other army wives who get it. There are those out there who are all about the negativity and the drama, but the great ones hear your hurt and just nod. Sometimes they have never been in your shoes, sometimes they've been there more than you have, but they know that whatever it is, for you right now, it is hard. It doesn't have to be the hardest thing you've ever experienced, sometimes it is just the hardest this week.

Many of my weakest moments come from stupid things. Last night I was putting away baby clothes and a thought crossed my mind that in a few days I will be back to arranging baby outfits for the week ahead just to stay afloat. I will again be all mommy all the time. I started crying when Chad took the boys hunting and I realized how even one evening lost is too many when we only have a few left.

Yesterday I watched Chad giving the baby her evening bottle. She drifted to sleep in his arms. He gently wiped her face and caressed her cheeks not knowing I was watching. It was so gentle and sweet to watch this gruff, rough and tumble guy be so tender with her. As much as he protests he isn't a baby person, I have watched him fall in love with his daughter this last week. It breaks my heart to know that he will miss most of the rest of her infancy. By the next time he sees her, she will be a toddler. He will miss her first steps, her first birthday, but more than those times, he will miss the tiny moments of her silly smiles when she is being flirtatious or the way she claps and dances to music, or the way her eyebrows crinkle when she hears Daddy practice his duck calls.

The moments I think about the moments of his sons' success, Chad missing Trenton's state honor society award and Nathan's first band concert, the moments of missing his Lil Bit, the moments of missing time together as a couple are the moments I find my heart breaking, tears looming. In those moments, sometimes he doesn't even understand how I feel, much like I can't really feel what he does having to leave and say good-bye. But my friends, especially my army wife friends can. Sometimes I don't have to even explain what I feel, they just know.

I have many friends who are so special, some military wives, some not. One of my friends always seems to just get what I am saying without having to one-up with her pain even when she totally could, sometimes without saying anything. She wrote me a reply to one of my blogs from this week that brought me to tears understand what she is experiencing. All I have to say is I know! I don't know what it is like to be pregnant, but I do know what it is like to have a tough army guy missing precious moments and hoping he gets to be here for the biggest ones. Tomorrow, if she doesn't mind, I will share her blog about her fears and hopes for her and her JJellybean.

Day 272: Thankful

I have mentioned this before, but to catch up any new or hit and miss readers -I saw an idea on a friend's Facebook to do a gratefulness challenge everyday up through Thanksgiving. I thought it was a good idea for me to spend this November, a rough month for me with Chad gone for our anniversary and the holiday, focusing on all the wonderful things in my life.

I know I get sappy during the holidays, but doing this has helped me spend at least a few minutes a day focusing on being grateful. I also have tried to not write a lot of complaining status updates. I think focusing on the positive has helped me be more positive, something I kind of forgot for awhile.

The first couple of months of this deployment, I was so overwhelmed that I literally had days when I thought I was going to have to quit my job because I wasn't holding my stuff together very well. I feel like I at least have gotten a handle on much of the daily things which helps me deal when stuff goes awry.

I think being grateful once a day has made me more aware of the blessings that abound in my life all the time. In America, we have a day where we are supposed to focus on these blessings and give thanks. In a nation where we are so rich, I wish more people focused on giving thanks.

We are so focused on consumerism and finding the best deals on Black Friday that we don't really realize how much most of us have. Most people in this country live better than so much of the world. Even some of the poorest people here live so much better than the average citizen of many countries. We have such an abundance of wealth. The more I pay attention to being grateful, the more the expression "an embarrassment of riches" makes sense.

I look around my house and see warm cozy furniture, two rooms I don't even use most of the time, a pantry full of food, plus a chest freezer full of meats and meals, a closet stuffed with clothes, a baby who has everything a baby might need, more clothes than she can wear, two vehicles that are relatively new and in good condition, three computers, iPods, iPhones, cable television with DVR, and the list goes on . . . I really have to ask myself how much of what I have is even necessary.

Plus I have money to travel to see family, buy whatever we need or want most of the time. I know that God has truly blessed me with a healthy family, beautiful children and so much more than I can ever use. While I may not have as much "stuff" next year if we decide I can stay home with the baby, I will still be tremendously wealthy in all the ways that matter.

I hope  this blog finds you as blessed and grateful this year. Happy Thanksgiving.

350: Got my back

Today I woke up, dragging a little bit after yesterday's rain soaked adventures and with a sore throat that keeps getting worse, to the news that school was going to start late. I crawled back into bed, snuggling with my little bug for awhile, only to get a phone call that daycare was closed. The power was out and they weren't going to open today. Panicked, I called my babysitter; she has to work today. Then I tried my friend Christen who had a group coming in at work and had to be there. Finally it occurred to me that my friend Stephanie's husband, Taylor is between army and FBI right now. Luckily, he graciously gave up his day to sit with Lil Bit and sent me a picture so I know she is ok.

But it just serves to remind me of two things: 1) How challenging it can be living so far away from family, who can often help in emergencies, and 2) how important it is to make friends wherever you go.

During emergencies, or the day to day grind, especially during Chad's deployments, my friends have been invaluable. I am a fiercely independent person. My mother would tell you I was born saying, "I want to do it myself." When I had to have my hysterectomy, my mom bribed some friends to come mow my lawn, because she was afraid I would do it myself. Sometimes, I just can't do it all; however, getting me to admit it and ask for help is really hard. This week has really taught me to learn to rely on others and accept their kindnesses.

I feel like a bad friend for asking for help. I think as adults, we are taught to be problem solvers rather than complainers. Especially in the military lifestyle, we are bombarded with the mindset that obstacles are made to be overcome, not succumbed to. Adapt and overcome is the motto! Chad accepts no excuses from his soldiers. While he tries to be compassionate, the task was either accomplished or it wasn't. Poor planning doesn't excuse failure and failure is due to poor planning. If you had planned better, you would have been able to foresee and plan contingencies for anything.

Because of my independent nature, I think I tend to overplan so that I never have a crisis or have at least two back-up plans at all times. Having a daughter and being on my own this year is going to be a test of my character. Can I ask for help? Can I relax and understand that not everything is controllable; sometimes stuff happens? Can I let the people who care about me, help? I am working on it, but feel very lucky that I have friends who "got my back" when the hurdles rise and my contigency plans didn't include floods.