Day 345: Motherhood part 1

I say part one because this is going to be a very long year alone, and I sense future venting will be necessary. Tonight I picked up Lil Bit from daycare and she was all smiles and laughed when she saw me. I was so happy I thought she has finally adjusted to daycare, woo hoo! We get home and I try to feed her cereal, for only the second time, so I wasn't too optimistic, but what a dismal failure. She screamed like I was murdalizing her. Tears pooled on the tops of chubby cheeks. It was heartbreaking. I finally added more formula and she took it better, but I gave up and gave her a bottle after five or six disastrous attempts.

Then she drifted off in her high chair. I scrambled into workout clothes, hopped on the treadmill, only to have the dog start whining at the top of her lungs. Our dog has something wrong with her, she is chasing her wild dingo roots or something, but her whining is ear splitting. Maggie makes beagles look positively reserved. Then the doorbell rings over and over. The kid from across the street wants to play with the dog. They come over often and take her out and play with her, which is generally appreciated, but today woke up the baby only 10 minutes into what I had hoped would be a 40 minute jog. UGH!!, I wanted to scream! and then cry.

I moved her in the chair into the office, filled her tray with toys and started running again. That bought be a few more minutes, but not even ten. Then we tried the swing, another ten minutes, stopping a few times to change directions and readjust binky. When she started crying there, I finally put her into her crib and hoped she would nap. About 3 minutes before I was done, she started crying again. So I am on the treadmill, have a goal and a plan in mind, and I have to decide if I let her cry in her crib for three more minutes, selfishly finishing off a time and distance that are completely arbitrary, or do I put motherhood first. She kept the crying to a discontented snuffle so I stayed and finished my run, but skipped cool down.

A sweat covered mess, I am holding this fussy baby at arm's length and trying to get something to eat for myself. It is already 7:20 and I haven't eaten since an apple at 3. The baby won't stop crying tonight. Usually she is quite content to sit next to me in her boppy and watch me type on the computer. Not tonight! She cried and cried. Whenever I would get so frustrated and want to cry, she would laugh at me, thinking mommy was so funny. I don't have my lunch made, her outfit pulled out of tiny wicker bins, any papers graded, a shower taken, blogs aren't written, and I am waiting for my husband to call me. She has just fallen asleep under her play gym when the phone rings and wakes her up! Love daddy, but today wish a light would flash before the ringer!!

 I know this is just a big gripe session, but today was just one of those days. I don't know why, but a hundred little things went wrong. When hubby finally called, we disagreed about whether or not I should ever stay home with the baby. He has been dirt, eat hamburger helper and Ramen every night, poor and doesn't want to scrape by like that again. I am trying my best to find a way to make some secondary income so that I can stay home, but so far nothing is really working. I can't sell stuff like Avon - have no interpersonal skills and can't sell stuff I don't use. Anything else I am good at, isn't from home. I need a real work from home job that uses my English degree!! Or winning the lottery. As my friend Ally says, mmm, don't you have to play? Shoot, knew I was forgettin' somethin'!

All I can do is pray, I guess. Pray for an answer, a sign, a vision of the winning numbers? Pray he understands that putting our daughter in daycare for almost ten hours a day is ludicrous. We picked one of the best daycares in the area and they still can't provide for her the one on one attention I do or even one on three attention. They have 11 screaming babies, and I would imagine are lucky if they can get them all fed, changed, and asleep before they have to start again.  I want to teach her things and give her a childhood to remember - full of picnics and board games, dress up and imagination. It is a sacrifice for me to stay home, the $11 bottle of Pinot Grigio I am enjoying full of peach notes is not going to make the cut. Steak and shrimp will probably be for special occasions, if at all, but Lil Bit is worth it to me and I know when push comes to shove, she is for him too.

I guess like life, motherhood is a great balancing act. The trick is making it look effortless. I don't know how my mom did it, but she did it gracefully, and I only hope I can be half the mom she is.

350: Got my back

Today I woke up, dragging a little bit after yesterday's rain soaked adventures and with a sore throat that keeps getting worse, to the news that school was going to start late. I crawled back into bed, snuggling with my little bug for awhile, only to get a phone call that daycare was closed. The power was out and they weren't going to open today. Panicked, I called my babysitter; she has to work today. Then I tried my friend Christen who had a group coming in at work and had to be there. Finally it occurred to me that my friend Stephanie's husband, Taylor is between army and FBI right now. Luckily, he graciously gave up his day to sit with Lil Bit and sent me a picture so I know she is ok.

But it just serves to remind me of two things: 1) How challenging it can be living so far away from family, who can often help in emergencies, and 2) how important it is to make friends wherever you go.

During emergencies, or the day to day grind, especially during Chad's deployments, my friends have been invaluable. I am a fiercely independent person. My mother would tell you I was born saying, "I want to do it myself." When I had to have my hysterectomy, my mom bribed some friends to come mow my lawn, because she was afraid I would do it myself. Sometimes, I just can't do it all; however, getting me to admit it and ask for help is really hard. This week has really taught me to learn to rely on others and accept their kindnesses.

I feel like a bad friend for asking for help. I think as adults, we are taught to be problem solvers rather than complainers. Especially in the military lifestyle, we are bombarded with the mindset that obstacles are made to be overcome, not succumbed to. Adapt and overcome is the motto! Chad accepts no excuses from his soldiers. While he tries to be compassionate, the task was either accomplished or it wasn't. Poor planning doesn't excuse failure and failure is due to poor planning. If you had planned better, you would have been able to foresee and plan contingencies for anything.

Because of my independent nature, I think I tend to overplan so that I never have a crisis or have at least two back-up plans at all times. Having a daughter and being on my own this year is going to be a test of my character. Can I ask for help? Can I relax and understand that not everything is controllable; sometimes stuff happens? Can I let the people who care about me, help? I am working on it, but feel very lucky that I have friends who "got my back" when the hurdles rise and my contigency plans didn't include floods.

Day 357: Flyin By

This week I have been struggling with something non-deployment related. I have known for many years that I would not be able to ever carry a biological child. I have grieved off and on over that. But I have had a feeling since I was in high school that I would never get pregnant. Maybe my body knew that things inside were irreparably damaged from my birth defects and complications. In any case, I hoped and prayed over having a baby for many years.

Last spring we were selected by a birth mother and six weeks later, we had Lil Bit. After the expense of adoption, I knew working this year was going to be a must; I knew working this year would be emotionally challenging; I had no idea how much it would hurt. The first day of putting her into daycare was a nightmare. My generally happy baby was a disaster. I picked her up and she was furiously fussy. She screamed and cried for hours. I literally sat in her rocking chair, clutching her and sobbing. Chad just kept walking past making sure I was all right. He finally walked in, kissed me on my head and said if you're waiting for permission to quit, do what you gotta do. Of course, if quitting was realistically an option I would have done it in July so they had enough time to replace me. However, if she didn't start adjusting to daycare, I was going to have to reconsider.

Lil Bit isn't the only one having a hard time adjusting. This weekend some developmental switch flipped in her and she has become very responsive. She has always been pretty alert. Even when she was a preemie and slept 22 hours a day, the minutes she was awake, she was bright eyed, watching everything. Sunday especially I noticed her playing with her toys, reaching for them. Her giggles and coos are musical. I who have to be constantly engaged with TV, cell phone, laptop - have turned everything off just to talk with her. My DVR is hopelessly full.

4:30 tonight, I walked to my car and started driving toward her school. Honking the horn and trying to make all five lights in between my school and hers, I felt like if I didn't get to her right then, I was going to cry. When I saw her, I had to just stand still and hold her. Five minutes, then ten. Other parents are weaving around me to pick up their children and I stand in front of her crib, blinking back tears. I don't know how I am going to do it tomorrow. When I wake her up in the morning, I just want to snuzzle her, watch her giggle, listen to her talk to her fingers. They have very intellectual conversations you know.

More than just normal motherly guilt, I waited 15 years for her. I spent more than an entire year's salary to adopt her and some of Chad's. Now I am missing this most precious time in her life. I love teaching and think I am very good at it, but I have never felt more like me than when I am with her. She and I every evening just together. While I would never wish for Chad to miss a second, I do feel like God blessed me with her in my life right now. Tonight I played 80s one hit wonders, sang poorly and loudly while we splashed all the water out of her tub and couldn't have been happier. I realized the other day that all the memories that make up me, the fall on my bike or the jumping down the stairs trying to fly or watching my mom stir breakfast over the stove on icy Chicago mornings, those moments of my childhood - these days, these moments are the images, feelings, impressions and eventually memories that she will carry like a suitcase with her into the world. It is my job to fill that suitcase with as much love and happiness as she can hold. I have an idea of who I want her to remember her mom being when she was little - fun, silly, spontaneous, gentle - THERE.

I have tried to find a way to finagle our finances, but I can't make money out of thin air. I am a budgeting genius when I need to be, but I am not magical. If I want to be able to stay home with her for a year or two someday, I have to get rid of our car payments. I need to build up some savings again and plan for a few lean years. I don't know how I am going to make it. I must watch the video of her from Sunday morning two - three times a day. By lunchtime I need to see her. My heart hurts and there is nothing I can do but survive it. One of my student's has Asperger's and his goal for today was to live through it. While he is a tad dramatic, I completely understand. I feel like I am counting days, days of school when I have to be away from her, days Chad is gone.

Uno, dos, tres, quattro, cinco . . ." Her daughters are a teacher, a nurse, a physician's assistant. We are the product of a mom who gave everything for us. Doesn't my daughter deserve the same?  I am left crying and answerless. I have no more hands to juggle all these balls and can't find a mystical answer tonight. Many other women will sympathize and say, but I went back to work, suck it up, but they won't understand the ache in my heart that she filled and that I literally think I would rather be broke and home than leave her one more day.

No pithy ending - just alone listening to her snifflely breathing over the monitor trying to resist waking her for more hugs. She and I both need the sleep. Maybe just one more peek and peck. It is never enough! Have you seen those cheeks!?! This first year, this sweetest, baby year is already FLYIN' BY and I just want it to stop. I want to freeze that hour when she is all smiles and alert and thinks I am just everything. Like a popsicle in Texas, it will be gone before I even realize how sweet it was.

358: No plan B

Tonight is going to be short. It was my longest day of the year. I had a full day of school and then open house. I was out of the house from 7:25a.m.-8:40p.m. Lil Bit spent all day in daycare. She does ok in daycare, but doesn't sleep well, so she comes home crabby and fussy. The only hours I get to see her, she tends to be really upset. I find myself opening my cell phone to watch videos of her during the day. Today I spent most of the day trying not to cry.

While this has been a tough week, I don't generally spend this much time teary eyed unless my allergies are acting up. I spent all weekend with her. She probably cried about a tenth as much as the least fussy baby I've ever known. She and I have a great time together and she is so ridiculously laid back, calm, happy. She woke up giggling Sunday morning and really smiles at me in the first moments of every morning. It hurts me when she is upset and when my few moments to play with her are tainted with her tears and frustration. 

Tonight, I had no plan B for the baby. If I had really wanted to leave her at home, I am sure I could have beat the bushes and found someone, but I couldn't imagine leaving her all day in daycare, picking her up only to drop her off with someone else for three more hours. I was worried about getting into trouble, but I couldn't leave her. I spend all day, counting the minutes to get to her. I wasn't going to put her down if I could help it. She was so deliciously well behaved and adorable. But I still had to come home and sterilize two sets of bottles, make up a set to take tomorrow, prepare the coffee and fix a lunch, set out her teeny socks and matching bib with her outfit and feed the dog. Then somehow find a way to settle down and get some sleep tonight.

It was just another reminder that flying solo with no plan B gets a little tricky this far away from Moms and family. She is worth every second. Everyone who saw her tonight, told me how beautiful she is and many remarked how much Daddy is missing. No matter how hard it is for me without him. I can't imagine how hard it is for him there without her. He is missing so many moments. Hope he knows that we're missing him in our moments too. He is my plan B, my back up, my go to guy, my best friend, the puzzle piece to my jagged places and I miss him and talk to my Lil Bit about our daddy man everyday.