Day +6: New Routine

Tonight, I came home from work early. We are doing teacher preparation things which end a little earlier than a usual day. It makes coming back easier because we can kind of ease into the long work days ahead.

I'm doing my best not to count the days we have left in the school year already. Lil Bit is in a new classroom at school this year and is not adjusting to her new classroom very well. I'm not sure I like her new teacher. I know that daycare teachers make minimum wage. It is unreasonable to expect that someone making minimum wage to have a college education, but I am concerned about how well she's is adjusting and how much she'll learn. I love her so much. It broke my heart when she started crying this morning when I said good-bye.

Tonight we came home to Daddy pulling into the drive right behind us. He pulled Lil Bit out of the car seat while I dragged in my purse, briefcase, coffee cup, etc. Such a little thing, but having someone to take a few seconds of hassle and work made such a difference.

Then Chad made dinner while I played with Lil Bit, changed clothes, etc. We ate as a family and then cleaned up together, prepping our side by side coffee makers. After dinner, I sat on the floor with our precious little girl, playing with her kitchen while daddy answered hunting emails about making duck call lanyards. He makes them custom and is looking at doing some for other hunters.

After he finished his emails, he sat on the couch tickling and laughing with her. Later he even sat on the floor reading to her. It was really cute watching him point out the sun and clouds in her book and how Jesus was playing with the little children.

I'm still fighting the cold he brought home, so we have some ways to go before we're normal, but I'm enjoying our new routine. Sharing the chores, taking turns watching the baby play, talking face to face - life is pretty good tonight, despite the severe congestion and cold. I could get used to having him around, but am afraid to. Life in the army is never certain. It's just the way it is, but it is really hard work trying not to let myself enjoy being happy too much, but I'm not going to let anything bring me down today. I don't need to borrow trouble. Tonight, I'm just enjoying getting into a new routine with my soldier home.

Day 160: Down time

After all the SO busy days. Today was a much needed break from being constantly busy for my dear husband. While he has so many things he wants to do, he needs days to relax too. He is so busy every single day over there that he comes home like he is amped up on adrenaline. It takes him a couple of weeks to be able to sit down, sleep through the night and/or take a nap.

I think about how hard it is for me to change my daily routine or habits. I can't imagine having to drop everything you've become accustomed to and jump into a completely different routine. He finds it very challenging to do so. On our way home for his father's funeral, we had to take a different (longer) route because the traffic on I-35 was too much for him. After being on constant alert for the past 6 months, he couldn't process all the cars on the road, their movements and threat assessment. While his conscious mind knew he didn't have to do all that, his subconscious mind couldn't stop racing. We took the longer route so we'd be on smaller highways and experience less traffic.

By the time he went to get the boys for our week with them, he'd been able to re-acclimate to some extent, but every day is a set of new challenges. He doesn't know how to fall asleep in our time zone for a few days, then it takes him a week or so to be able to sleep for more than four hours at a stretch. And when he gets up, he wants to go, go, go, do, do, do. By the time he is ready to calm down and relax, it is just a few days away from leaving.

Seems so unfair that he only gets two weeks to process so many complicated emotions and deal with intricate relationships. I wish the people in charge were more understanding of the issues in returning from war, being able to be here and connect emotionally with spouses and children. Fifteen days is just enough time to START relaxing and coming down off the adrenaline high of combat. Basically R&R is like a big tease. Here, come home, relax and then as soon as you do, are able to, we're gonna ship you back to war. Chad has even had some extra time due to his emergency leave and it wasn't enough.

I know we should be grateful for all we get. In World War II and Vietnam, they barely got letters and didn't get leave to return home for any time. But having it better than they used to doesn't mean it is good, just not as crappy as before. In World War II and Vietnam, most troops did one tour of duty. They weren't sent over and over and over and over. Believe me, it makes a difference.

We had some downtime today. We played a lot of xbox kinect games and stayed up way too late. The boys had light up wands they battered each other with all over the yard. Then daddy and I took over the xbox and played until we pulled every muscle in our legs, shoulders and backs. Then we stayed up later talking, connecting, making sandwiches.

Every little bit helps, but it would be nice to have more than a little bit. I am so looking forward to a day when I forget what it feels like to always have goodbye hanging over my head. Even when it is months away, it starts a countdown clock that never fades from my mind. I guess Chad isn't the only one in need of some serious down time. Crossing fingers that we get it. 

Day 229: Routine and OCD

I am a tad routinized. I know my definition of a tad is probably not yours. I am not OCD, but organization does make me feel good. I feel calm when things are finished. If I am organized, I feel like I am prepared to deal with crises. I eat the same lunch everyday. I eat the same breakfast 90% of the time. I take comfort in some routines so that I can be completely unstructured other times. I figure if I can do all the things I have to do as quickly as possible, I can relax the rest of the time. When I relax, I literally do nothing. I let myself be completely unproductive or at least 90% unproductive. I don't get much of that time any more, but I work really hard to stash away as many of those precious minutes as I can.

In order to be that organized, I have to act a little OCD. I have to keep things in the exact same place everyday, so I don't waste precious minutes looking for things. I have my daily have to's scrolled back so that I can, if uninterrupted, finish them in 13 minutes. I can then spend the rest of the evening focused on Lil Bit and letting her set the pace. But to do that, I have to plan ahead. I buy enough food in one trip to the store to keep me from having to make another trip all week. I have a set list of items I need to make the shopping easier too. I don't have to worry if I have enough milk or bread because every time I get low, it goes on my list. Very rarely do I have to make an extra trip. Each trip to the store, even a one itemer is usually 30 minutes or more by the time you park, pull out the baby, walk in, and do it all in reverse. Then how often can you get out of the store with one item? I contend it can't be done in a Walmart or grocery store! I can't usually make it under $100 much less with only one item.

All of my seeming OCD, saves me hours over the course of a week. Maybe that much structure would drive you crazy, but I don't think it is that bad. I like my house a certain way, towels folded neatly, pantry in a specific order that really only makes sense to me. But I really challenge you to walk into someone else's house and not see a structured way of doing things. My MiL comes to visit and I feel like she is critical of how neurotically organized I am, but when I visit her house, I put things back exactly where I found them. Her house is spotless and organized. Everything is exactly where it was the last twenty times I was there. Now, she is more patient when things aren't put back than I am, but I get used to living alone. Every other year for 7 years, I have the house all to myself. I would suspect most people would get pretty territorial. The time I save for fun stuff by having my structure and organization makes it worth it, but from the outside I know being organization Nazi's can be off-putting even if it is what keeps you sane.

I have worked really hard not to impose my rigidity on the baby. My sister had twins and became obsessed with keeping them on a schedule. Everyone's lives revolved around their eating, sleeping, bathing, reading schedule. Preparenting days, I thought it was a little much. While I now understand the need children have for routine and structure, I vowed not to let my somewhat obsessive need for structure dictate my child's life. And I haven't. When we are at home, she eats when she is hungry, sleeps when she is tired, plays when she feels like it, etc. I wanted to let her develop her own center not mine. And she worked herself into her own schedule to some extent, but everything varies on a day to day basis.

After two weeks at home, what I've discovered is that even a lack an organized routine becomes her routine. When she started back to school, she freaked. She hasn't slept through the night all week. She is crazy fussy. She spent one evening crying more than she did all last month. I don't want her to feel driven to organize as an adult, but I have realized that she does need a little bit of structure. I can't explain to her about what will happen in a few days. I can mentally prepare to be on break or go back to work, but she doesn't understand from today to tomorrow. She lives in a now that last a few hours. Being able to expect me, food, sleep, snacks, hugs, is important for someone so little that the whole world feels like a surprise all the time.

So, my OCDlikeishness gives me more time with my most precious Lil Bit and helps her be able to feel secure in a world that changes for her almost daily as she changes the way she views it. I can embrace it for what it is and try to ignore it when it just isn't necessary. For the record I have left toys all over the living room for three nights now because it wasn't important enough to take time from everything else.

Day 343: I got you, Babe!

Ok - this is for all the people out there worried about me. I am FINE! I am exhausted, feel like I am starring in a really crappy remake of "Groundhog Day" minus the catchy wake up jam, Sonny and Cher's "I got you, babe," but I am fine!

The days are go, go, go from 5:30a.m.-8:30 or 9p.m. Then I get to sit down and catch up on whatever I haven't done for the day. It is much harder than anything I have ever done before and it is going to get worse. She will start teething soon and be miserable 24/7. Then she will be crawling and I will have to literally sit with her the entire time I am home or buckle her into a seat, swing, highchair, jumperoo, etc. My house was BABY proofed a year ago in preparation for the adoption, but I am a long way from crawler proofed! OMG!! I am going to have to get a maid. Either that or Lil Bit will have the immune system of a cockroach by the time she is potty trained!

I barely have time to bath her and myself much less the dog or vacuum. So my house isn't as clean as I would like it. I have a pile of catalogs and mail that needs getting to. I have started random piles of to-do things that mock me from several vantage points. My DVR is, as we speak, recording things I may never watch. I have read ONE book in the past month. I am two months behind on my Parents magazine, so I am lucky I haven't killed my daughter by using plastic bowls from Target or let her sleep on recalled sheets. She is likely growing a third arm from not using bottled water for her formula.

I am pretty sure I have already ruined her life because when I try to read to her, she squirms and cries. All those days of saying, I am too tired, we will read tomorrow and now she hates it. Great, just what her English teacher mommy needs is a baby who hates books! The dog hates me and glares at me accusingly all the time. I think I am doing pretty well to keep food and water in her bowls twice a day, but I can't walk her without the baby and can't take the baby when the evenings are a balmy twelve million degrees!

Some days, everything is sweet and easy (let's call those days, mmm, Saturdays) and days where nothing goes right (mmm, maybe Mondays for that one) and days I run ragged (Tuesday-Thursday) and days that I just am happy to have another week down of a long year, but no matter how rough this gets - I can stop, look into Lil Bit's face and know that I wouldn't change a thing!

When I have a rough day, her smile lights up my face. First thing every morning she smiles up at me and snuggles into my shoulder. We laugh and sing through getting dressed and later into "duh, nuh, nuh nuh -pajama time!" Mommy sings and dances. Lil Bit just laughs and doesn't catch my allusion. We're working on her obscure 80s references, but she is just hopeless.

I know women all over the world have to do ten times more with ten times less in horrible living conditions and I have NO room to complain, but when things change in someone's life, it feels big to you. I went from staying home with three kids, two older stepsons who were great company and wonderful helpers, a husband who did 80% of the cooking and at least half of the household chores on any given day so I could spend all my time fussing over baby - to working 44 hours a week, having another 5 hours a week dropping off and picking up of the baby and doing everything at home, or at least stressing about it. Big changes! At least I can let the dust be dusty, the floor be furry and the dog smell wet doggy, if I can hold my sweet baby girl and breathe in her sweet powdery vanilla scent, singing, "I got you, babe." Maybe throw in a little Marley, "Ev'ry little ting's gonna be alright."

We're surviving. Not sure how I will make things easier or if I even can pare down my routine anymore, but this year will at least go quickly. At this rate, Chad will be home, back in my arms before I know it. How lucky to have my Lil Bit to catch me when I fall.