Day 39: Can't Tell you

One of the tricks to a marriage surviving a deployment is communication, not letting the year apart become a wall between you. You have to talk to each other and maintain a relationship. It is hard, very hard, especially when most of our conversations involve the words, "I can't tell you . . ." 

Yesterday, we got a few minutes on video chat with my husband. It was great, the baby loves it. But we ran out of things to say to each other. You'd think being so far apart filling the conversations would be easier, but it isn't. The things we might say over dinner each night, seem so trivial and not worth mentioning. Plus, there is additional strangeness knowing that his roommate is overhearing every word of our conversation. 

In fact, he was trying to Skype with a friend back home while we were talking on Gmail chat.  Both of our computers pick up sound to dictate when to receive and when to broadcast. I would cut out on Chad because his computer would be broadcasting Josiah's conversation. And he would cut out on me when the baby was squealing or babbling. It was hard to follow our conversation over his roommate's so we ended up looking at each other and typing. 

But we did a lot of looking at each other with not much to say. So much of what he does is classified or protected due to operational security (OpSec) that he can't tell me what he does day to day. Even details of his day that aren't classified are a part of where he is going and who will be with him, etc. so he can't discuss them with me over the internet or phone lines due to the chances that someone unfriendly might be listening. 

I try to fill the empty air, but the past couple of months have been just me and the baby. I can only tell him about her accomplishments so many times. She is adorable, but he can see that for himself. So we say, "I love you!" over and over. We talk about a few details in our lives that we need to coordinate, and we hope that it's over soon.

It is really hard to stay on the same page, feel like we haven't just missed everything when most of his conversations start with, "I really can't tell you . . ." Even things he could technically talk about, he can't while he has no privacy. It is hard for him to constantly feel like he is being watched or overheard. And he has to keep up a veneer over himself while in the trenches. 

A marriage can survive, but it is serious work to catch up on each other. I can't wait to get us a couple of margaritas and spend a night on the couch just talking. I am counting down the days. 

Day 231: Getting along

One of the many issues that complicate life for the military couple is how to communicate when separated. My husband and I have gotten much better at it. He has taught me to relax more. I (yes, MiL, I used to be worse) have learned to let things go. For example, someone opened a fraudulent credit card in my husband's name years ago. The creditors won't talk to me because they say my JAG created POA (power of attorney) isn't valid. In the past, I would have panicked and raced around to get this taken care of. Now, I realize that I've done what I can, if they don't want to work with me, then they can wait until he comes home. And I've learned that realistically, if worst comes to worst, they might put a negative note in his credit report, but there is a statute of limitations on how long something can be held against you, so whatever. If I find time to take care of it, great, but I refuse to stress about it or drive him crazy trying to deal from over there.

One thing we haven't mastered is how not to get so far into our own heads that we forget to bring along our partner. I have been spending this entire deployment scraping our money together so that we can be completely debt free and have a good savings account when he comes home. I have been doing this in the hopes that I can stay home with my daughter for a few years at least. Soon enough she will be in the hands of who knows whom and we will have to deal with both negative and positive learning experiences, but I really want her to love reading and learning from the beginning. I know I can provide her with that environment or at least do a better job than daycare teachers of whom some are barely out of high school and pretty uneducated. (Private RANT here - if we paid TEACHERS from 0-college what giving a child a good background is worth, we would draw and keep more people in the field) Even in our private school/daycare, signs are misspelled, rules are enforced that are not in the best interest of the children, the menu is full of white potatoes, simple carbohydrates, etc.  I just hate that I could be giving her a much more loving, educational environment here at home. Just two weeks at home and she is crawling better, pulling up to stand, kneeling, talking more and in general just making a lot of major leaps. I can see that my staying home would give her a significant advantage in the future.

My husband has been crafting a different future with different priorities. He doesn't want to be broke. If I stay home, we're going to be struggling unless I find something I can do from home, but I think living lean a few years is worth it. I thought we were on the same page until he emails me about buying a house. I got stuck in my mortgage in Illinois when we were first married. It was a constant source of worry and concern. I never knew if I was going to get a payment each month from my renter or if something would happen to the house and I would have to fix it, from several states away. I lost money on the house. I did get a tax break on my mortgage each year, but essentially I had a big headache, several second mortgages and refi's to remodel the 150 year old house and walked away pretty much even, except for the loss of the six months or so of rent my renter skipped out on and the headaches of worry over the bills. I don't want to buy again until we are sure we're settling for a long stretch.

The likelihood of us staying here permanently is slim. We are most likely going to be moving in a 1 1/2  years or so for my husband's career progression. We may come back here, but who knows. We would have to house shop and move into somewhere new only to PCS in 6-12 months? And in this market, while we could possibly afford more home than we used to for the same price and my current income would count toward purchasing, I am afraid if we move that we'd end up with two payments on one income. I was very lucky and had this job before we moved. I may not be so lucky in our next PCS. Getting stuck with two payments on one income could make us homeless very quickly.

The tax breaks for mortgages are good. Owning a home is a good investment. The sooner we start paying on a mortgage, the sooner it is paid off. Renting is temporary and your payments are just paying off someone else's investment. Chad has some good points. The hard part here is that we both do. As reasonable adults, trying to plan for a happy future together, we both have valid points of view, and both views have downsides. We're older for new parents and my taking time off of work to be Lil Bit's teacher, would cut into any retirement or college fund plans significantly. This is one of those things that it is hard not to argue about.

We used to send gigantic emails back and forth, and ended up angry, hurt, frustrated. Mostly because you can't read the tone of voice in an email and you can't explain something that might have been misinterpreted. I don't know what we will decide. I don't know how we will handle not agreeing. I do know that not being able to talk it out, discuss it in person or even by phone is really hard. It is one of the trickiest parts to being separated. We kind of have to let an issue sit for awhile, until we get a chance to discuss it over the phone. That takes a lot of maturity to have something that really matters to you and be able to set it aside.

We've managed to make it through this deployment only having one disagreement so far and it was minor a few weeks into his absence. We quickly realized we needed to find a way to talk to each other and we solved it, but nothing has really come up. I guess we'll have to wait to see what we do. As long as we act like we love each other and are a team rather than opposing entities, we should get along just fine.

Day 300: Balance

Part of surviving a deployment is knowing how to love your spouse from afar and how to ask for what you need. The trick is sometime what you need is not what he is in a position to give emotionally or time wise, and what he needs may not be what you can give and be OK yourself. It is a really tough tightrope act to be able to find the right balance for yourself and as a couple.

One of the issues are how often to be in contact. It took my husband and I two deployments I think to get this right and sometimes we're still not on the same page. When I have days I just want to hear his voice, he may be on a 24 hour instant recall immediate response duty and not have the time or ability to wait in line for the phone. Sometimes he waits in long lines and calls, ready to talk and I am busy or not home or in the middle of something and don't feel like talking. I had to learn when to just decide to stop and take the time whether I was in the mood or not. While that sounds cold, other military wives might understand that I always love him, always want him to know that, but I sometimes get into a zone where I am doing ok, surviving, feeling good about myself and life and hearing his voice just destroys me.  One, "Hey," and all my survival walls come tumbling down. When he pauses and quietly says, "I miss you," it breaks my heart and makes me ache to hold him so much more. But, he is the one who has given up everything to defend our country, so I take the time even if it makes the rest of my day harder.

The guys sometimes just don't understand our point of view any more than we can understand theirs. I am in charge of all the finances in our household. My husband never ran up a debt he couldn't pay, but he was often down to his last penny. I will run up the credit card every month and pay it off every month so we are never charged a finance charge and get airline miles or cash back also. I was the one who saved up the $40,000 to adopt Lil Bit by budgeting our salaries over a couple of years. He knows it makes more sense for me to be in charge of our money, but other spouses try to control their wives' spending from Iraq. They call asking why she spent $40 at The Gap last week or $25 at Olive Garden. The wives aren't generally spending too much more than when the guys were home, but now he has no other way to keep tabs on her and every purchase reminds him that he isn't there to see her new outfit or try that bottle of wine with her.

They need reassurance that our lives haven't moved past them. That we aren't so independent that we won't need them when they come home. That when they have days so tough we can't imagine and the only thought that keeps them going is us, that we love them back that much too. I am a firm believer in get to the root of a problem, not just the symptom. Is he really angry about the money? If so, then cut back. Create a budget together and then if you find ways to save on utilities or groceries, that is your sock money for extras. Is he angry because he is jealous you are still living when he is stuck in the armpit of the world? Then reassure him that you wish he were here living with you. Tell him, often, that you can't wait to take that trip to wine country with him or try a special restaurant together and create a special fund for those things that he can see grow.

Most of the arguments my husband and I have had while he is deployed is because we only talk or email about once a week. He gets into his head and hatches plans and ideas that don't mesh with my plans and ideas I've been hatching in the meantime. Neither of our plans necessarily preclude the others, but it takes some practice to get back on the same page. You just have to know that especially so far apart, balance is crucial. Take a second and decide if it is worth even debating or if you can compromise or if it is really a non-issue that you're about to argue over due to emotions and stress.

Be selfish so you can survive the separation and still let him know he is loved. Give him attention and your time whenever he can work it in because I guarantee it is 100% harder for him to find the time to phone that it is for you to take the time to answer it. Take a few minutes a week to let him know how important he is and how much he is missed. Don't spend too much time blubbering, it will scare him into feeling like you won't be there when he comes home or that you're not OK. Find a good middle ground for him and you. Balance - a little bit you and a little bit me, and you should do just fine.