Part of surviving a deployment is knowing how to love your spouse from afar and how to ask for what you need. The trick is sometime what you need is not what he is in a position to give emotionally or time wise, and what he needs may not be what you can give and be OK yourself. It is a really tough tightrope act to be able to find the right balance for yourself and as a couple.
One of the issues are how often to be in contact. It took my husband and I two deployments I think to get this right and sometimes we're still not on the same page. When I have days I just want to hear his voice, he may be on a 24 hour instant recall immediate response duty and not have the time or ability to wait in line for the phone. Sometimes he waits in long lines and calls, ready to talk and I am busy or not home or in the middle of something and don't feel like talking. I had to learn when to just decide to stop and take the time whether I was in the mood or not. While that sounds cold, other military wives might understand that I always love him, always want him to know that, but I sometimes get into a zone where I am doing ok, surviving, feeling good about myself and life and hearing his voice just destroys me. One, "Hey," and all my survival walls come tumbling down. When he pauses and quietly says, "I miss you," it breaks my heart and makes me ache to hold him so much more. But, he is the one who has given up everything to defend our country, so I take the time even if it makes the rest of my day harder.
The guys sometimes just don't understand our point of view any more than we can understand theirs. I am in charge of all the finances in our household. My husband never ran up a debt he couldn't pay, but he was often down to his last penny. I will run up the credit card every month and pay it off every month so we are never charged a finance charge and get airline miles or cash back also. I was the one who saved up the $40,000 to adopt Lil Bit by budgeting our salaries over a couple of years. He knows it makes more sense for me to be in charge of our money, but other spouses try to control their wives' spending from Iraq. They call asking why she spent $40 at The Gap last week or $25 at Olive Garden. The wives aren't generally spending too much more than when the guys were home, but now he has no other way to keep tabs on her and every purchase reminds him that he isn't there to see her new outfit or try that bottle of wine with her.
They need reassurance that our lives haven't moved past them. That we aren't so independent that we won't need them when they come home. That when they have days so tough we can't imagine and the only thought that keeps them going is us, that we love them back that much too. I am a firm believer in get to the root of a problem, not just the symptom. Is he really angry about the money? If so, then cut back. Create a budget together and then if you find ways to save on utilities or groceries, that is your sock money for extras. Is he angry because he is jealous you are still living when he is stuck in the armpit of the world? Then reassure him that you wish he were here living with you. Tell him, often, that you can't wait to take that trip to wine country with him or try a special restaurant together and create a special fund for those things that he can see grow.
Most of the arguments my husband and I have had while he is deployed is because we only talk or email about once a week. He gets into his head and hatches plans and ideas that don't mesh with my plans and ideas I've been hatching in the meantime. Neither of our plans necessarily preclude the others, but it takes some practice to get back on the same page. You just have to know that especially so far apart, balance is crucial. Take a second and decide if it is worth even debating or if you can compromise or if it is really a non-issue that you're about to argue over due to emotions and stress.
Be selfish so you can survive the separation and still let him know he is loved. Give him attention and your time whenever he can work it in because I guarantee it is 100% harder for him to find the time to phone that it is for you to take the time to answer it. Take a few minutes a week to let him know how important he is and how much he is missed. Don't spend too much time blubbering, it will scare him into feeling like you won't be there when he comes home or that you're not OK. Find a good middle ground for him and you. Balance - a little bit you and a little bit me, and you should do just fine.
No comments:
Post a Comment