Day 39: Can't Tell you

One of the tricks to a marriage surviving a deployment is communication, not letting the year apart become a wall between you. You have to talk to each other and maintain a relationship. It is hard, very hard, especially when most of our conversations involve the words, "I can't tell you . . ." 

Yesterday, we got a few minutes on video chat with my husband. It was great, the baby loves it. But we ran out of things to say to each other. You'd think being so far apart filling the conversations would be easier, but it isn't. The things we might say over dinner each night, seem so trivial and not worth mentioning. Plus, there is additional strangeness knowing that his roommate is overhearing every word of our conversation. 

In fact, he was trying to Skype with a friend back home while we were talking on Gmail chat.  Both of our computers pick up sound to dictate when to receive and when to broadcast. I would cut out on Chad because his computer would be broadcasting Josiah's conversation. And he would cut out on me when the baby was squealing or babbling. It was hard to follow our conversation over his roommate's so we ended up looking at each other and typing. 

But we did a lot of looking at each other with not much to say. So much of what he does is classified or protected due to operational security (OpSec) that he can't tell me what he does day to day. Even details of his day that aren't classified are a part of where he is going and who will be with him, etc. so he can't discuss them with me over the internet or phone lines due to the chances that someone unfriendly might be listening. 

I try to fill the empty air, but the past couple of months have been just me and the baby. I can only tell him about her accomplishments so many times. She is adorable, but he can see that for himself. So we say, "I love you!" over and over. We talk about a few details in our lives that we need to coordinate, and we hope that it's over soon.

It is really hard to stay on the same page, feel like we haven't just missed everything when most of his conversations start with, "I really can't tell you . . ." Even things he could technically talk about, he can't while he has no privacy. It is hard for him to constantly feel like he is being watched or overheard. And he has to keep up a veneer over himself while in the trenches. 

A marriage can survive, but it is serious work to catch up on each other. I can't wait to get us a couple of margaritas and spend a night on the couch just talking. I am counting down the days.