Day 32: Night out

A friend of mine from school invited me for a girl's night in. We had dinner, a little wine, and talked, played games, etc. When she planned the get together, I was still sick as a dog and just couldn't plan how I'd feel minute to minute, so I didn't plan on going.

But this week I decided that I felt decent enough to try to search out a babysitter. I have left her about four or five times so far in her life, two of those times were date nights with my husband and two were doctor/dentist appointments. She had a sitter for a few hours for a my same friend's bachelorette party/bridal shower. Tonight would be six times she's been watched since she was born, and you could maybe add another three or four trips to the grocery store, errands, etc. while we were visiting family or they were here. In 15 months, I think I've left her less than 9 or 10 times at all, not including daycare.

I thought after spending the whole summer with her, I deserved to take a few hours with friends, and I certainly did. I was gone for 5 hours, from 5-10ish. But it was hard for me to leave her. I spent the afternoon playing with her, feeling guilty for leaving. Around ten I started missing her face. The only reason I wasn't home earlier was because the girls got me talking about how much I love her, love being a mom.

I know my mom didn't spend all day every day just sitting around playing with us. She spent more of her time cleaning house, doing laundry, cooking, running errands, but I feel guilty when my attention is taken away from her at all. Some of my responsibilities mean I spend an hour or so researching on the computer or shopping online so that I don't have to drag her into the 110 degree heat or paying bills.

I really spend very little time cooking or cleaning while she's awake, and try to be really present with her. After all of June and July with her, I thought taking one night would be easy, but it wasn't. I felt lonely for her after a few hours. I needed the night out. It was so nice to have some hours that I wasn't focused on her. I had a couple glasses of wine, sat and talked with friends without worrying what she was breaking, getting into, or more recently climbing! She is going to be my little monkey for sure!

I needed the break, but also feel guilty for needing the break. I liked having a bit of adult freedom away from the baby, but really struggled with leaving her with a relative stranger since we don't spend a lot of time with the young neighbor girl. I wonder how it will feel after my husband comes home. Will it be easier to leave her for a few hours with my husband or harder because I'm sharing her attention?

I got home and found my little sneaky pete sitting on the couch, just pleased as punch with herself. The sitter tried to put her to bed twice, but Lil Bit is a manipulative little cuss and started screaming. Being 14, she just didn't know that she was getting played. After we walked her home, I just took her into her crib, put her down and walked out. She didn't make a peep. But that also felt good, like she needed mommy. The night out felt nice, but coming home to a warm smile and big hugs and kisses felt awesome.

Balancing myself as a woman and person with who I am as mommy has been pretty hard this deployment, but she gives me a reason to be and frankly, she is so freakin' cool that it is hard to put her to bed most nights. I just wanna see what she does next. Deployment is hard, but it gave me a year to bond with my little girl in a way that I won't ever forget, even if she doesn't really remember it. Of course, I would trade it for being able to share it with her daddy, but since I can't, I feel amazingly blessed to have gotten this time with her.

Day 85: Night out

As I write this, I feel immensely guilty for not spending more time with my Lil Bit tonight, but I planned on going out for a couple of hours tonight to celebrate a friend's bachelorette party. I knew after a long weekend of just us girls, it wouldn't kill her to not be with me the entire evening. We had 72 hours of mommy and me, three hours of a play date/babysitting was not only something I should do for me, but also for her. She needs her routine shaken up from time to time to help her be more flexible, but it is so hard to say that when the consequences are crying and fussing.

All that being said, I had a nice time. It was pretty tame as far as bachelorette parties go, but we had fun. We talked, gave fun advice about marriage and had delicious snacks. I will say that practicing strip tease workouts with your friends is definitely something you should video tape, hilarious!!!

The baby had fun on a little playdate, but it was a long day with very little mommy time and almost her entire day was out of the house. She napped in her carseat and ate dinner in her high chair, but other than that she was at school, in the car or at my friend's in-laws for a playdate/babysitting.

She was really good for most of the evening considering it was totally out of her routine, but she cried the whole way home. I ended up singing "The Wheels on the Bus" for the last couple of miles while she snivelled in the back seat. It was pretty pathetic.

I know I needed the night out. I know in the long run, it won't kill her, but tonight was hard that I only saw her for a few harried moments after work and before bed. She didn't lay down to sleep until 10:30 and I am hoping to be in bed myself in a few minutes. I hate turning down social engagements, but any disruption to our routine means tears and fussiness and sometimes just isn't worth it.

I am glad I decided just to bite the bullet and go, but it was hard. The mommy guilt hit me when she just cried and cried the whole way home, but those few hours of being an adult out of the house, with "gasp" a glass of wine, made me feel a little more like me and a little less like the crazy pajama mommy who chases around after Lil Bit all the time.

I need to schedule required mommy out days now, while I am thinking straight and know it is important for both of us to socialize out of our usual routines. Otherwise this summer might turn me into the host from Romper Room. I don't want to need a rubber room come August, just love my daughter. On the other hand, I may love it so much that I don't want to leave. Either way, a night out with my girls is still going to be a necessity.

Day 165: Date Night

So for our date night, we drove to Austin and went to see "The Adjustment Bureau" at an Alamo Drafthouse. If you don't have one of these in your area, it is a movie theater that serves a full pub/restaurant menu with beverages, desserts, etc. It is worth the hour drive to do once in awhile.

It is only the second time I have left the baby with anyone other than family since Chad's deployment started, and I think only the third time ever!! I picked one of my sweetest, most respectful students who lives just a few minutes away as a sitter. It was hard coming home from work and leaving almost instantly after not seeing her all day. But I sucked it up and we left for the movie after giving the babysitter the quick run through of the house, etc.

We went to see the new Matt Damon film, "The Adjustment Bureau". The trailers made it look like an action packed thriller. Based on the trailers, we were a little disappointed with the movie, but we shared a pitcher of our favorite beer, appetizers, and individual pizzas.

The movie story line had so much potential. The idea of a group of people that play with our lives, create our paths and have to play with the ripples changes create. I was hoping for something a little more on the line of "The Butterfly Effect" with more action. What we got was more of a romance based on a thinly veiled religious themed movie. Basically, the "Chairman" had a plan for David Norris' life that involved him becoming President of the U.S. and if he fell in love with Elise, he wouldn't take that path.

I would have preferred if the story had told more about the importance of his becoming president and the doom for our country if he didn't. The story hinted at opposing pathways for Elise as well, but left much of it pretty vague. There is a good vague which leaves things open to the audience's imagination, which is often able to go darker and creepier than when the story is completely revealed. A good vague hint at something scary or eerie is like a good evening gown, it shows enough to capture your interest, but leaves enough to the imagination to allow you to take it as far as your mind can. The best part of the movie was when David Norris decides to run his own life using the Bureau's techniques. But it could have been more detailed, longer and more adrenaline packed. The end of the movie left the entire story open. It didn't even hint at what might happen. I felt a little let down to have invested so much time in this story and walk out not feeling any closure for the characters.

I did like some of the questions the movie posed, is there some bigger plan for our lives? and is there one love that fills the broken places within us so well we are content to just live in their love?

At one moment when the bureau was playing with little details of the characters' lives, I leaned over and whispered to Chad, "someone pushed my mom down the stairs so we would meet." She had planned to visit the weekend I met him, but fell down the stairs and shattered her ankle, keeping her from traveling for six weeks. Obviously, I wish she hadn't hurt herself, but she is fine now, no residual pain or even stiffness, but I am so glad Chad and I met.

The other thing was that idea one person could love another and be the person who fills the empty places in the other's soul. We both felt that idea was very true. We aren't a perfect couple, but the way we love each other is so crazy amazing. He just makes me feel whole, ok, right. Even when he is being a schmuck or I am being cranky, we get each other and care for each other in a way that feels like puzzle pieces coming together. I did like the romance of the movie, the celestial Romeo & Juliet, two people fighting to be together when the universe is invested in keeping them apart.

After the movie, we strolled around the shopping center. We went into the Dollar Tree and bought some silly random stuff. Very first date-ish. Then we went to our favorite restaurant Silver and Stone for dessert and port. We sat and chatted and just took our time talking before heading home. It was a nice evening and much needed. I can tell how much good it did for us by how we've been texting silly things back and forth all day, by how he kissed me good-bye this morning before going to get his boys.

Maybe we need another date before he leaves?? Mmm, at least maybe we will at least take Lil Bit to daycare one day when it is just us the last bit before he leaves.