Day 32: Night out

A friend of mine from school invited me for a girl's night in. We had dinner, a little wine, and talked, played games, etc. When she planned the get together, I was still sick as a dog and just couldn't plan how I'd feel minute to minute, so I didn't plan on going.

But this week I decided that I felt decent enough to try to search out a babysitter. I have left her about four or five times so far in her life, two of those times were date nights with my husband and two were doctor/dentist appointments. She had a sitter for a few hours for a my same friend's bachelorette party/bridal shower. Tonight would be six times she's been watched since she was born, and you could maybe add another three or four trips to the grocery store, errands, etc. while we were visiting family or they were here. In 15 months, I think I've left her less than 9 or 10 times at all, not including daycare.

I thought after spending the whole summer with her, I deserved to take a few hours with friends, and I certainly did. I was gone for 5 hours, from 5-10ish. But it was hard for me to leave her. I spent the afternoon playing with her, feeling guilty for leaving. Around ten I started missing her face. The only reason I wasn't home earlier was because the girls got me talking about how much I love her, love being a mom.

I know my mom didn't spend all day every day just sitting around playing with us. She spent more of her time cleaning house, doing laundry, cooking, running errands, but I feel guilty when my attention is taken away from her at all. Some of my responsibilities mean I spend an hour or so researching on the computer or shopping online so that I don't have to drag her into the 110 degree heat or paying bills.

I really spend very little time cooking or cleaning while she's awake, and try to be really present with her. After all of June and July with her, I thought taking one night would be easy, but it wasn't. I felt lonely for her after a few hours. I needed the night out. It was so nice to have some hours that I wasn't focused on her. I had a couple glasses of wine, sat and talked with friends without worrying what she was breaking, getting into, or more recently climbing! She is going to be my little monkey for sure!

I needed the break, but also feel guilty for needing the break. I liked having a bit of adult freedom away from the baby, but really struggled with leaving her with a relative stranger since we don't spend a lot of time with the young neighbor girl. I wonder how it will feel after my husband comes home. Will it be easier to leave her for a few hours with my husband or harder because I'm sharing her attention?

I got home and found my little sneaky pete sitting on the couch, just pleased as punch with herself. The sitter tried to put her to bed twice, but Lil Bit is a manipulative little cuss and started screaming. Being 14, she just didn't know that she was getting played. After we walked her home, I just took her into her crib, put her down and walked out. She didn't make a peep. But that also felt good, like she needed mommy. The night out felt nice, but coming home to a warm smile and big hugs and kisses felt awesome.

Balancing myself as a woman and person with who I am as mommy has been pretty hard this deployment, but she gives me a reason to be and frankly, she is so freakin' cool that it is hard to put her to bed most nights. I just wanna see what she does next. Deployment is hard, but it gave me a year to bond with my little girl in a way that I won't ever forget, even if she doesn't really remember it. Of course, I would trade it for being able to share it with her daddy, but since I can't, I feel amazingly blessed to have gotten this time with her.

Day 45: Stay at home mom

The images this title brings to many is a relatively leisurely lifestyle. Of course, you have to feed the kids and get them dressed, but what do you do with the rest of the day? They're pictured laying around in front of the television and doing a whole lot of nothing. People dream of this job. I dream of having the luxury to have this job, but it is not what most people imagine.

A stay at home wife, might have time to do more things with her day, but honestly, you'd be surprised how fast a day fills up with cleaning house and running errands, paying bills, clipping coupons, laundry, etc. and how much stuff we just don't do when we work. Now once that wife has turned into a mom, all bets are off.

My day starts without an alarm clock, but with a random squeal. The squeal varies in mood, but generally she just uses volume to get my attention and is grinning from her crib when I walk in. I get her up, changed, and head to the kitchen for her breakfast. If I'm lucky, her squeal was not too angry and I took the time to brush my teeth and make the bed and pee before running in to her room. Then I spend twenty-thirty minutes trying to teach her to eat with a spoon. After she is wearing most of her oatmeal, I fry an egg for her to get her some protein. I still haven't eaten. Then I see if I can get her to drink some milk. An hour or so passes before she is changed again and in some clothes (or not, as her recent penchant for nudity dictates).

I could then put her into baby jail for a few minutes and work on dishes, but I have to chose between eating or dishes. Forget about getting showered. Showering while she is awake means I have to keep her occupied for about an hour if I have to get dressed and ready to leave the house. Generally, I wait until she naps if I can help it or I move her from jumperoo to jenny jump up or exersaucer and baby jail (the living room blocked in) to be able to take care of any task that demands my attention. I have tried to have her in the bathroom or bedroom with me, but in a flash, she tends to find the most dangerous things that I haven't put up yet or digs through trash cans, both hazardous and gross.

Basically, that kind of business is my whole day. I don't get much time to myself. I feel like I spend all day preparing food, feeding food, cleaning up after food and then making small inroads on another task only to get five minutes in and the baby is letting me know she is dirty and wants her diaper changed. Then I have to cook and eat for myself too. By the time I do that, it is time to get her a snack and then lunch and then nap time, which was like an hour yesterday and only two today. If I shower during naptime, that is really all I have time for. Then I have to feed her another snack.

By this point in the day, it is about 1-2 and I've changed her diaper at least 4 times since she got up at 8. We've had two meals and two big snacks and one handful of Cheerios that Lil Bit gleefully chomped on until she was full and then smashed the rest and swept them into the carpet. I've had to feed the dog and let her out twice (the new puppy is going to be awesome!). And I still haven't eaten lunch.

If I take a second to get myself some lunch, the baby stands at my elbow and begs for my food. She spent the last three days just walking around crying and whining. I think it is her teeth, but in general, she just is in a mood. She was a little warm earlier and tylenol seemed to help a little, but as soon as it wore off, she was whining and crying again.

I had an hour to myself today (shopping online for dishes, which we need desperately) because she refused to wear a diaper after her nap, so I put her on her potty in front of her potty video. She sat there dancing along to her video and actually pottied! But my search has been frustrating. Nothing I like comes in our colors and I ended up spending most of my free moments searching every site I can think of.

The toddler stage requires constant vigilance. She needs my attention more than she has in the past. She wants me to play with her, attend to her almost constantly. If I dare walk out of the room, she screams. Today she had three screaming jags due to a toy that alternated between amusing and terrifying her. I try to leave her for only a few minutes at a time. By the time I put her to bed, I feel like I've run a marathon, even if I spent most of the day in my pajamas in two rooms of my house. It is amazing how many miles you can run in one room, most of it on my knees.

My idea of a successful day is very different. Now, both of us are fed at least three meals and get to bed within an hour of bedtime and I get to watch her do something new. Today, she signed that she needed to potty. I put her on her potty. She went pee pee! I was so excited. She smiled from ear to ear and didn't fight her diaper. I don't think she's ready to potty train for real, but she is certainly on her way. And that is about all I got done. In fact, as a peruse the house, I'm pretty sure it looks worse than it did when I got up. = ( !

On a work day, I would be getting to bed about thirty minutes ago, and probably have accomplished more. Being a stay at home mom may not be a "job," but don't let anyone fool you, it is work! Watching a one year old is the hardest, most patience trying jobs I've ever had. Now, I'm trying to summon up five minutes of energy to do a quick clean so I can go to bed feeling less like a failure.

Day 136: Mommy Tips

It seems like the minute you are expecting, or in our case 'paper' pregnant, people start giving you advice. The hardest part is knowing what advice to take and what to ignore. The truth is what works for me and my baby may not work for you or your baby or your parenting style. I am certainly not perfect!! Nor was my mom or mother-in-law although they were both great! We all do what we can to survive. There are certain moms who can seemingly do it all while being totally vegan, green and organic without watching any TV or listening to any music that doesn't have child focused lyrics and in their spare time teach their children foreign languages and physics. I am not THAT mom. That mom makes me feel like a failure.

Just the other day, I was very worried about how loose her car seat base was. Before putting her into the car, I reached in to tighten the base. For the minute my back was turned the shopping cart with the baby in it started to roll away. Luckily, I was able to get to her quickly, but it just about gave me a heart attack. So I am absolutely NOT holding myself up as a paragon of motherhood perfection. This list is simply a short list of things I have found that worked for me to sooth, comfort, prevent, and raise a generally happy, healthy little girl.

This list is in no particular order. I am writing things down as they occur to me and letting the list build for a few weeks. We'll see how long it gets.

1. Give the baby a variety of experiences as part of the norm!
  a. let her fall asleep in the dark, dim, light rooms, etc.
  b. give him warm bottles, room temperature bottles, cold bottles - same for food.
  Giving a baby routine helps them feel safe, comfortable, but too much routine makes for a fussy baby when any little thing is disrupted.

2. Use a type of velcro snuggy wrap (I used the Summer SwaddleMe) during sleep. It serves two purposes: keeps the baby warm and keeps the baby from waking herself up or scratching herself. I didn't use one for the first few months and when I started using them, the baby learned how to sleep for longer periods, meaning I got to sleep too. It was like a miracle to us, don't wait until you need a miracle.

3. Watch/Rent/Buy "The Happiest Baby on the Block". Part of using the swaddle was from this system. Chad and I watched it in horror. The people were so over the top and the creator was a bit cheesy, but then we picked up our Lil Bit and used the strategies, and she calmed and slept. We still use them to some extent, but mostly let the baby self sooth now.

4. Buy a bassinet or get one from a friend. Nothing is worse than having to run through the house half-asleep racing to reach a distraught child. The second month when she was colicky and daddy was gone, having her by my bedside was crucial. I didn't get a lot of sleep, but I was too concerned about SIDS to let her sleep away from me. (I am still a bit of a worrywart) Also, the bassinet was great for just wheeling her around the house, onto the patio, into the kitchen. They sleep pretty much all the time except when you need them too, so having a bassinet where he can nap by your side is so helpful. Also the baby learned to sleep through all sorts of commotion around her. Once she gets to sleep, she tends to sleep through most noise even now.

5. Take the baby out, meet new people, dogs, experiences head on. My daughter was out to dinner within a week of being home. She went to a winery at less than two weeks (as an observer!!!) She got used to being held by all sorts of people. She got used to noise, commotion. This is especially important for stay at home moms who sometimes only see one or two people most days. Because Lil Bit is in daycare, she is comfortable going to most people. So far we've haven't had any stranger anxiety, which was really appreciated when daddy came home.

6. Start the baby self-soothing as soon as you feel comfortable letting the baby sort herself out. After a couple of months, we moved to putting the baby down after a few soothing gestures. Sometimes she throws a fit, but most of the time, she plays quietly until she falls asleep. Even if she cries for five minutes (which feels like 30!), learning to quiet herself down means she wakes less in the night, cries less when she wakes and will put herself back to sleep or play quietly in her crib on the weekend. Lil Bit had to be woken up at 8:30 most weekend mornings.

7. Laugh - the more you laugh and joke the better for your sanity and for the baby. Every time I look at Lil Bit, she is waiting for a funny face, or for a laugh because getting angry and frustrated just doesn't work with her. Some children are properly scolded with a frown, but she is so willful that if I raise my voice or frown, she just gets angrier. Until she is old enough to understand rules, distraction is the name of the game. I sing a song, laugh, be silly, change toys, etc. Playing peek a boo is how I get out of the room. She is such a happy little girl, who knows if my strategy for dealing with baby behavior had an effect or if God just made her that way, but maybe a little bit of both.

8. When looking at toys, think about how much they do. Kids who have toys that do everything don't get as much of a chance to use their imagination and really they would rather play with a spoon and piece of string. Also if it makes noise, how irritating is the noise? Does it have a volume setting? One of Lil Bit's toys is a Barney dashboard (very annoying) with no volume control and no off switch! (Thanks, sis!)

9. Research prices on staples (diapers, wipes, formula) at your usual stores and online (Amazon baby or Diapers.com, etc.). You will need more stage 2 and 3 diapers than newborns and 1's. But don't buy too many diapers before baby is born, you may get some at showers and you may want to try different brands. The hospital used Pampers, but I didn't like them. They leaked. Huggies felt wet on the outside. Target Up&UP brand got inflexible when wet.

10. Clothes - one thing I have found is that some clothes that looked super cute on the hanger are a super pain in the butt to care for. Most of her little skirts have hems that roll up when I dry them. I have to finger smooth them and let them air dry. Some of her shirts are about the same. You don't want to spend any more time on laundry than necessary.

11. Clothes 2 - Also, I found that onesies weren't something I used very often in relation to how many I was given. Don't buy any, unless you find one that says something very meaningful. You will get enough that you probably won't use them all. In fact I have two sets that haven't even been opened or used.

12. Don't waste a lot of money on Dreft or dye free detergents. Buy the small bottles at first. Wash an item or two in your regular detergent and see if the baby has a reaction. I waited a month before I tried this because my preemie newborn seemed so tiny and fragile, but the What to Expect book said it wasn't necessary. If the baby doesn't react to your regular detergent, you won't need to buy special stuff anymore. I use the dye and fragrance free that I bought when she was born but only once in awhile. Still have the same bottle we bought while she was in the hospital.

13. BORROW ! ! Part of getting excited about the baby was trying to make everything perfect for her arrival. I wanted her to have the best of everything, but since we only had six weeks, I used a lot of hand me downs and for the money we saved, it was worth it. If you can find a hand me down bassinet or swing, use them. These are products that you will only use for a few months at best. You'd be better off putting the money in savings for college.

14. Baby Sign Language - Much of baby's tears are from frustration because they want something and we don't understand. I started signing with Lil Bit around 4 months old. She started signing back around 6-7 months. So far she has a limited sign vocabulary, but she can tell me when she wants more or is finished. At this stage, that is half the battle. She uses "more" for to tell me she wants to do something again as well. She started signing for the dog last week. I probably could teach her more signs, but she knows I know what she wants most of the time and is very stubborn. Some people claim their babies sign complete sentences well before they can speak, but I am satisfied with being able to know when she is still hungry or finished eating.

15. Talk to your baby - The more you describe left shoe, pink ball, arms up, tickle your toes, etc. the more the baby learns. You won't necessarily know what she has learned for months, but one day, around 10-11 months, a lot of information and words start to click.

16. Keep a toy or two on the changing table to distract him while changing diapers and clothes. Around 5 or 6 months, they start rolling over and then crawling, which is much less cute while they are poop covered or precariously close to the edge. A toy to hold will keep them from flipping at least some of the time.

I have probably a hundred little things I do without thinking about it, but being a mommy is all about intuition and instinct combined with knowledge. You will know your child so well in a few months you will know what a grunt means. I have learned to recognize her sleep breathing from her awake breathing. And you will, too. These are just a few things I learned after months, mostly months of frustration, so if any of these tips help you at all, I won't have suffered in vain.  I would love you to leave any helpful tips you have as comments or ask about any subject I forgot.

And remember every mom feels like a failure some days, like supermom on others and barely hanging on the rest. I just put my Lil Bit to bed, less sleepy than usual after getting to sleep in and have some good naps. I can hear her in her bed, kicking her feet and playing with her toys. She isn't crying, so for right now I feel like a good mom, ask me again in twenty minutes when she is standing up, jumping up and down in her crib. Even what works most nights won't always work. Parenting is kind of like teaching that way. Nothing stays the same long enough to get boring.

Day 246: Mom's Birthday

Today is my mom's 68th birthday. Yes, it falls just a few days before Christmas. I am sure that all throughout her life she has felt like she gets cheated out of a separate or bigger celebration because it is so close to Christmas. In addition, all the years she was married to my father, her anniversary was the 17th, so she really got cheated out of two separate celebrations.

I do make it a point to get her a separate present. I usually even try to wrap it in birthday paper. This year all I had was race cars and I decided that was probably not in her wheelhouse. Plus, I got her a whole bunch of little things and have been wavering back and forth on which to give her for which holiday all week.

The one benefit of having her birthday near Christmas now that we live so far away is that I get to be here to help her celebrate more often. Being married and living so far away, I can't always come "home" all the time. My immediate family has to take precedence some years. The years Chad is home and we have the boys, we usually don't travel for the holidays. But right now, while he is deployed and she is little enough to travel on my lap, we can afford the time and money to travel. So I get to be here about every other year for her special day.

My mom doesn't talk much about her childhood or family, but I know it wasn't always very happy. She had demons that chased her into adulthood, as we all do. As I become more and more the adult, I realize how important it is to be there for her and let her know how special she is. She may not have cured cancer or ever go down in a history book, but her life mattered. The love she showered over us is getting passed down to my niece, nephew, daughter and my sisters' patients and nursing staff, and my students. Her love and kindness and creativity for making learning part of every day is something very special.

I respect her more and more. I teach to and with people daily who didn't have the family my dad and mom gave us. I really respect that my parents didn't come from the good wholesome family they created, so they had to create all new molds to build from. It is hard not to become your parents, and they both did it, and gave us parents we would want to emulate. A very impressive feat as a parent. While we all went through the stage of "I will never say . . . to my children", I don't think that I will do too much very differently. I had a pretty great role model as a mother.

Mom and I did a little shopping today for Christmas. I left the baby with my sister and went out. It was nice getting Mom all to myself for a little while. We didn't really talk about anything deep. My mom isn't always very open emotionally to deep talks and our family is more subtle, but I did get to tell her tonight before she left how special it is to be able to share her birthday with her.

Today was a hard day for the other side of my family. Chad's Aunt Jeana's birthday was also today and a year ago today, we buried his Grandma Nick. Part of my sentimentality is knowing that my mom will someday no longer be here. I don't want to have any regrets. I know that Jeana and Martha were loved and celebrated all the time, and they are missed. Having my mom with me as a new mom is a joy and I know I need to treasure and respect the blessing it is to have her in my life. I hope she gets to be here for another twenty or thirty years.

Happy Birthday Mom, and Jeana if you're watching from heaven.

Day 251: Someone's MOM

I know I had a blog titled someone's mom earlier, but this is a totally different topic. I have noticed on the roads the past few days/weeks people driving horribly. People serve into my lane with virtually no room to spare or pull out in front of oncoming traffic. I just can't fathom how people can be so careless.

The swerving car narrowly misses my front right fender. I take a sharp breath and hold it without realizing I've done it. Heat rushes up my spine and prickles race up my neck and itch my scalp. After a few seconds of swearing inside my head, I think, Hey! I'm someone's MOM! and I wonder what would happen if I were hurt. Even if I just had to be rushed to the hospital, would anyone know to contact the daycare?

While these thoughts tend to the macabre probably due to a good horror habit courtesy Stephen King and Dean Koontz, people's moms die all the time. Good men with families go to work in the morning and don't come home. Before, I obviously worried about my own safety, but I never really worried about what would happen if I were just gone. My husband would be sad, and I would worry about him moving on, but part of getting married is knowing that someday you will have to go on without your partner, or vice versa. My family and friends would miss me and it would be sad, but after awhile life would continue. My daughter is the first person whose life would be absolutely altered by my loss. And when that car swerved, I didn't think of me.

Of course, to all you veteran parents out there this seems kind of like, duh, Captain Obvious! But it wasn't a conscious process in my mind to being more concerned about her than my own safety. It just struck me as pretty cool that one day without even thinking about it, I put her first in my mind.

It is scary to think that I am her forever mommy. I have to do all I can to be there for her as long as possible, which since I was 39 when we finalized, will be shorter than most parents can expect to be around for their children. If I am very lucky, I will get to be around for her to be my age. While I want a long life for me, I want to make sure I am there for her questions when she has her first date, prom, boyfriend, eventually baby. Being able to share her with my mom is the most precious gift I can imagine.

It is really amazing how such a little thing as Lil Bit can make me love so much, could change my world so profoundly. I am overwhelmed by how all the cliches about parenting are true, how deep the love and protective instinct are, how every day I fall more in love with her. What a privilege it is to be someone's mom.

So I drive a tad more defensively, set the cruise control at the speed limit (or close ; 0), and have soup instead of ordering pizza. My perspective of others has also become more tolerant and compassionate as I realize that other people are someone's mothers and fathers and deserve to be home for their families. Again, there is no way to put words to how deep the change in my world this little girl has made.

Day 290: Somebody's Mom

This morning, walking through my quiet house, something about the cast of light through the curtains and the chill in the air combined with the holiday scents still lingering from last night's party reminded me of the winter mornings when I was a little girl. I could almost smell bacon and coffee and taste homemade sticky buns warm from the oven. Where did I get those associations with fall and winter and the holidays? My mom.

And it occurred to me for not the first time, that I am somebody's mom now. The memories that run so deep she can't even trace them to when they started, are going to come from me. I am so humbled by that responsibility. While she is still a tad tiny to be making memories to last a lifetime, I need to start thinking about what roots I want her to have.

I remember winter mornings, chilled through in a thin cotton nightgown, hustling to stand over the copper grate between the kitchen and dining room. Watching my mom stand over the stove, I would sway back ad forth making my nightgown into a bell of warm air. The smell of coffee tantalizing my nose long before it would ever taste nearly so delicious. The excitement of lazy days playing board games with my family, eating special holiday snacks still fills my mind. I love the holidays today because of all the special memories my family created, especially my mom.

I have tried to continue those memories and traditions for my step-children and family, but they also have their mother building memories too. Lil Bit will have only me and her father to create the memories that will be the foundation for her future.

I am not always as patient as I would like to be. I don't always have the energy I want. I can't control everything around my family, sometimes I can't even control myself, especially around chocolate, but I can wake her up every morning with a giant smile and a "Good morning, beautiful." I can make it a point to give her a positive outlook every day. I can fill my house with warmth and love even if I don't want her to eat bacon and don't always have the energy to make myself something to eat much less stand over the stove stirring Malt-O-Meal to stop the horrible lumps from forming to please our picky palates.

Today ended up with me so sick on the couch that getting done the "have-to's" for tomorrow was about all I had energy wise. I feel horrible and feel like I didn't take care of the package for Chad that I have been working on for weeks. I did at least put most of his stuff into the box, but I still haven't worked on getting the videos onto discs for him. I did upload the last month's worth of pictures so I can mail Lil Bit's birth mom her letter for the month. Then at least I don't have to mail her another one until she is a year old, not that I begrudge her the pictures, but the post office here makes getting a pedicure by with sharp bamboo spikes under your nails look fun. I guess this is just the way it rolls. Somedays I feel like I got it all on lock and other days, like an epic fail! At least if this mother/teacher thing doesn't go my way, I've got my street lingo to keep me kickin' it!

My parents had hard times; we never knew it. I guess that is the trick, to let her be a child, have innocence as long as I can. I am living her life now too. I am somebody's mom. How awesome is that?

Day 291: Not SuperMom

Well, I asked for help today. I bribed my babysitter with a box of baby clothes (she's pregnant) to come over this afternoon and help with the baby while I cleaned house. She came over and promptly told me I was crazy, the house didn't need cleaning. While I knew it really did, I realized then that I had managed to do a good enough job this week picking up little by little that I didn't have too much to do. I still found things that I wanted to do to feel good about the house before I opened my home for a party, but I am really very proud that I managed to clean the house, take care of the baby and throw a party while being exhausted from a long week and fighting a cough/cold/sore throat combo pack.

Woo hoo - I rock! It wasn't all easy and I will be eating left overs for the entire week, but I did it. The house is immaculate. My friend Danielle and her friend Brittany stayed and did all the glasses and clean up which would have taken me forever with a fussy baby. I really appreciated that. I will still have some clean up and putting away of things tomorrow, but almost none.

This week I also had a lot of evenings where I got to sit and play with my beautiful daughter instead of feeling like I was running around like crazy. It was amazing! I was organized and figured out some tricks to keeping ahead of the day to day tasks. I am sure that the rough stuff is not behind me, but I am welcoming the break. Maybe I am finally getting a handle on this single mom stuff? I don't know, but my baby is asleep, my dog is snuggled in her bed, the house smells like cinnamon and pecan pie. I am pleasantly wiped out after a fun night with the girls and a sink full of different wines.

My daughter was happy and smiling all night. She was laughing and crinkling her nose at all the girls for hours. She easily went to everyone for hugs and snuggles. She played contentedly in her bouncer or play gym. While she did keep an eye on me, she felt secure and happy even in unfamiliar company.  And then happily clung to me when she started feeling drowsy.

I may not be "SuperMom", but I think there are days I am A super mom. While I held my Lil Bit tonight and rocked her to sleep, I wondered what she would remember of me from her childhood. Today I was silly with her, multi-tasking like a pro, laughing and smiling, trying to make even the little things fun. I don't know if her happy disposition is how she was born, but I hope that the way I love her and the silly way I sing and dance and make faces from across the room is part of why she is such a delightful child. I have no idea how much is DNA and how much is MOM but I am really proud of how well I am doing as a woman and "single"mom.

I hope when I next have a rough day, I can remember that today I felt good.

Day 311: Pressure and tolerance

For those of you who've been reading my blog since the beginning know how conflicted I've been about having to work while my daughter is little. Last night I was confronted with someone who is making an amateur movie about how going back to work after your children are born is evil. While he said it was purposely over the top because it is a propaganda film class, it was obviously how he feels.

It took me a few minutes to realize he was serious. In this day and age to be so blatantly against working mothers is ridiculous. This economy makes two income families almost an absolute necessity not just a luxury. But having a strong opinion is one thing, it is another to be so intolerant of other people who might feel differently. I don't even know why he brought up his movie, but it seemed like he was trying to make a statement to us. Both my friend Liz and I were very offended. Liz just completely shut down. I think she was biting her tongue!  She didn't really say much the rest of the night and left pretty much as soon as she could. I guess I felt like I wanted to justify my decision. We both love our daughters very much. We both are making every decision we can to do what is best for our babies and our babies' futures.

I didn't think about it, but considering how much pressure I am already feeling for going back to work, I wanted to strangle him. When I think about all the moments I miss every day, it breaks my heart.  I thought he might realize he put his foot in it when I said how much we spent to adopt her and that we needed to replenish our savings as much as possible. But instead of letting it drop, he slyly just almost to me said, "I was making eight dollars an hour and my wife stayed home."

I wanted to cry. I want nothing more than to stay home with her. Today, she was a little stuffy and not feeling so great, so I got to hold her and snuggle her in a big fluffy blanket for hours. She would wake up and look at my face and smile brighter than the sun. I read to her, played little games with her and we had a great day.

We spent almost $40,000 to adopt our Lil Bit. It took all of our savings and more. I have almost no retirement because of moving around with my husband, and we have two vehicles that we need to have paid off if I want to have a chance to stay home even if it is for a year or two when Chad gets a new duty assignment. With Chad deployed, my working makes the most sense financially and emotionally. If I were home all day, every day, the missing him would be so much worse.

I posted a brief comment on Facebook and spent all day hearing from all the lovely ladies in my life about how out of touch he is. But I am still pretty upset about it, maybe because I agree that my staying home would be best for her and I want to do that and his opinion didn't leave any room for anyone to else's ideas or opinions or life or struggles. Then he talked about letting his kids eat Captain Crunch and watch Saturday morning cartoons. I think Captain Crunch is the equivalent of spooning sugar and preservatives straight down their throats. But he thought he needed to critique my parenting.

I see kids everyday whose parents are complete disasters. They shouldn't have ever had kids. They don't even love and care for the ones they have and keep making more. I think there are a million things you can do wrong as a parent. If you tried to do everything perfectly, you would probably end up in an asylum or divorced or both. But I think if you do the big ones right: loving them, teaching them values, helping them love to learn, and guiding them to being good, happy, healthy people as much as possible - well, then you've done the best you can.

Maybe you could teach your child two more lessons: tolerance and not to judge someone unless you've walked in her shoes. This man, who probably didn't take any time off when his children were born, didn't give a second thought to the pressure mothers are under to be perfect today, to work full-time jobs; to feed her children all organic, fresh food; have creative lessons and learning throughout the day; to keep her house spotless at all times and supremely organized in the face of any crisis; to be supremely organized so that no one is ever late or under dressed or unprepared. I only hope he is as perfect as he expects everyone else to be.

Jesus said, "Judge not lest ye be judged." Unless someone is putting their children at risk or in harm's way, live and let live. "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." Mmm, maybe his stay at home mother should've gone back to work because he would have learned those lessons in preschool.

Day 321: Fumes AGAIN

Last night, I ran and ran desperately trying to get my "have to's" done early enough to relax and enjoy the baby and evening. Lil Bit wet the bed yesterday morning so first thing was get a load of laundry going, then pull out my new video camera and get it charging. So glad I did. Lil Bit was jumping in her Jumperoo for the first time! She is still just shy of tall enough, but she found if she scoots onto one cheek, she can reach with one foot and off she went. She was bouncing and bouncing. It was so much fun to watch her having fun.

Trying to put clean sheets on her mattress is a major undertaking. Either I have to remove her crib bumper or maneuver around it. Taking it off the crib means painstakingly reattaching it. Of course the tiny ties are not spaced so that they fall on a rail regularly and are difficult to tie neatly. So much fun!! If I try to work around the bumper, it is almost just as much work to try to get the snug mattress out of the crib and back in. I need a shoe horn to slide the mattress into the crib without the bumper. 

I had laundry to fold, some sewing repairs to do on the outfit I am wearing today, so kinda had to be done and the regular evening chores. Didn't crawl into bed until 11 despite being in my pjs around 9. And I don't know why, but she has been waking up early every day for two weeks. Fall asleep past 11 because I am all hyped up and am woken by whining around 4:30. I am sure I will survive, but man it takes a toll. What did Murtaugh say in "Lethal Weapon" - "I am too old for this . . ."

It just adds up and by Thursday, I am a wreck. I want to visit with my stepsons soon, but don't know how I will have the energy to drive seven hours on Friday and Sunday to pick them up and drop them off. I would almost stay in a hotel, but then I have to have something to do with the dog. 

I know it all fades in comparison to what my dear husband is going through. He is faced with a million discomforts and seemingly insurmountable challenges daily. I can't even imagine. He struggles with superiors with whom he may not always agree or feel appreciated by and subordinates who may not always follow orders or appreciate how hard he works for them. In some ways I do understand the latter. I spend all day with students and sometimes wonder if any of them really hear me or understand why I teach. If I didn't care, I could just sit here and do crazy things with them and my life would be easier.

But no, I design lessons that tie skills into previous knowledge and try to make authentic assessments. I try to give students inspiration to achieve their goals and overcome obstacles. And then I come across a child, who has given up, who sees no point in caring about him/herself. It breaks my heart. 

I feel like I am trying to be Super Teacher/Wife/Mother/step-mother/friend/WOMAN and just can't. But what do I put down? What ball do I let drop? To whom do I say, sorry, you lose? I can't do it all, but also can't make myself tell someone, I just can't find time for you. My step-sons - love them and miss them so much, but how do I take 14 hours away from the house, dog, baby, self to drive to get them? I guess this is being a grown up. 

We all look forward to the freedom adulthood promises, and find the responsibilities are more daunting than we always anticipated, but by then it is too late; we have gone and grown up.

I have papers and papers I am not grading. I have to pick up that ball before I get fired, so better go. My PE juggling class in high school should have been more realistic. No one has ever shoved three bean bags in my face and asked me to keep them in the air, but what I do everyday certainly feels more like juggling than any other time in my life.

Day 336: My parents

I could spend years discussing my parents. They are so much a part of who I am. But today I was writing an example of creative writing for my students. They are working on stories about events that had they happened differently, would have prevented them from being here. My students are struggling with showing a story using creative language and sensory images rather than telling me what happened. They are writing things like this:

The day I was born was the day I might not be here if it happened differently. It was my due date and my mom went into labor early in the morning. She didn’t rush to get to the hospital because she didn’t think it was so bad. When I was born I was very small and sick. The doctor didn’t know what to do, so they decided to let me die.  My parents were very sad.  Finally they decided to try to save me. An ambulance took me to a hospital downtown Chicago. I had a surgery to close my stomach and was fine. 

Obviously this is an interesting story, but isn't told in such a way to to inspire curiosity. I am giving that to my students to look at tomorrow - and then giving them the one using figurative language. 

The first day of my life was almost my last.
    Penny rubbed her back. She wasn’t sure if this was labor or not until her water broke.
    “Bill, it’s time,” she said more calmly than she felt.
    Bill’s eyes grew wide as he flew into action. He grabbed the car keys and a small suitcase Penny had packed two weeks ago in anticipation of this moment. Holding Penny’s elbow, he guided her carefully down the steps and into the wood paneled station wagon. The day they had been waiting so long for was finally here. The birth of their first baby was imminent. Bill wondered if he would have a son or daughter by the end of the day. Little did he know that it might be neither.
    Later, in the delivery room, the doctor stood poised to deliver the baby who seemed to come too quickly and easily.  He looked down expectantly, but what he saw defied any of his expectations.
    “Doc, what is it?” Bill asked, holding Penny’s hand. She was groggy from the sedatives they used to ease the pain of labor. The doctor didn’t answer. He and a cluster of nurses whisked the baby away without saying a word.
    The doctor carefully cut away the umbilical cord so the tiny girl could breathe, but that was the least of her problems. The skin covering her abdomen had not developed. She wouldn’t make it. Sighing, he gave the worried father the news that his little daughter wouldn’t survive the day.
    Bill hovered over the bassinet, watching the tiny chest struggle to rise and fall. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he waited for the inevitable, but it never came. She just kept fighting to breathe.
    “Doc, she is hanging in here. Isn’t there something we can do?” Bill pleaded.
    Finally the doctor decided that if this itty bit of a little girl could fight so hard for her life, she deserved any effort they could make. He picked up the phone and called Children’s Memorial Hospital in Chicago and arranged for an ambulance. Within minutes he had set the right people in motion to save my life.

While I have taken some liberties with the details and shortened the account considerably, this is the story of my first day on earth. As I wrote this example for my students, I was able to put myself in their shoes for the first time. When I spent eight days watching my comparatively healthy daughter in the NICU, my heart was in my throat repeatedly. Every little positive sign gave me immeasurable joy, but every new concern or test was terrifying. I watched when they performed a head sonogram, knowing they were looking for whitening around the ventricles in her brain that would signify the birth mother had abused drugs during the pregnancy, but not knowing what her brain was supposed to look like. Every time they stopped to freeze an image, my breath felt wet and heavy. I was almost in tears by the time it was over without having any idea if anything was wrong (all good btw). 

I can't imagine seeing this little tiny person I love so much struggling to survive. The love and fear they must have felt overwhelmed me. I found myself near tears in empathy for the twenty somethings (more than ten years younger than I am now) watching their baby girl nearly die and face a critical surgery and a month in the 70s equivalent of a NICU. They were all alone. I don't think either of my grandmothers were there. My mom was left an hour away while my dad rode with me and waited for the outcome. 

Then my mom could only visit every few days when my dad could take the time to drive her into the city. When Lil Bit was across the street from my hotel, I was standing at the NICU door every three hours and nearly hysterical if I couldn't get in to see her. Penny left the hospital without her new daughter and still unsure if she would live.

I have thought about that day before and thanked God for all the pieces that fell into place in order for my life to be saved. I have understood before that my parents were worried and scared, but my perspective has changed. As a mother today, my heart understood those fears. I also am able to appreciate more the choices they made for me and the childhood they gave me. It is too bad we always appreciate the really important things in retrospect. Thank you, Mom and Dad. I love you, too! and am starting to finally understand you were just kids trying to make it through each day too. I miss you both. Wish we lived closer.