A friend of mine from school invited me for a girl's night in. We had dinner, a little wine, and talked, played games, etc. When she planned the get together, I was still sick as a dog and just couldn't plan how I'd feel minute to minute, so I didn't plan on going.
But this week I decided that I felt decent enough to try to search out a babysitter. I have left her about four or five times so far in her life, two of those times were date nights with my husband and two were doctor/dentist appointments. She had a sitter for a few hours for a my same friend's bachelorette party/bridal shower. Tonight would be six times she's been watched since she was born, and you could maybe add another three or four trips to the grocery store, errands, etc. while we were visiting family or they were here. In 15 months, I think I've left her less than 9 or 10 times at all, not including daycare.
I thought after spending the whole summer with her, I deserved to take a few hours with friends, and I certainly did. I was gone for 5 hours, from 5-10ish. But it was hard for me to leave her. I spent the afternoon playing with her, feeling guilty for leaving. Around ten I started missing her face. The only reason I wasn't home earlier was because the girls got me talking about how much I love her, love being a mom.
I know my mom didn't spend all day every day just sitting around playing with us. She spent more of her time cleaning house, doing laundry, cooking, running errands, but I feel guilty when my attention is taken away from her at all. Some of my responsibilities mean I spend an hour or so researching on the computer or shopping online so that I don't have to drag her into the 110 degree heat or paying bills.
I really spend very little time cooking or cleaning while she's awake, and try to be really present with her. After all of June and July with her, I thought taking one night would be easy, but it wasn't. I felt lonely for her after a few hours. I needed the night out. It was so nice to have some hours that I wasn't focused on her. I had a couple glasses of wine, sat and talked with friends without worrying what she was breaking, getting into, or more recently climbing! She is going to be my little monkey for sure!
I needed the break, but also feel guilty for needing the break. I liked having a bit of adult freedom away from the baby, but really struggled with leaving her with a relative stranger since we don't spend a lot of time with the young neighbor girl. I wonder how it will feel after my husband comes home. Will it be easier to leave her for a few hours with my husband or harder because I'm sharing her attention?
I got home and found my little sneaky pete sitting on the couch, just pleased as punch with herself. The sitter tried to put her to bed twice, but Lil Bit is a manipulative little cuss and started screaming. Being 14, she just didn't know that she was getting played. After we walked her home, I just took her into her crib, put her down and walked out. She didn't make a peep. But that also felt good, like she needed mommy. The night out felt nice, but coming home to a warm smile and big hugs and kisses felt awesome.
Balancing myself as a woman and person with who I am as mommy has been pretty hard this deployment, but she gives me a reason to be and frankly, she is so freakin' cool that it is hard to put her to bed most nights. I just wanna see what she does next. Deployment is hard, but it gave me a year to bond with my little girl in a way that I won't ever forget, even if she doesn't really remember it. Of course, I would trade it for being able to share it with her daddy, but since I can't, I feel amazingly blessed to have gotten this time with her.
But this week I decided that I felt decent enough to try to search out a babysitter. I have left her about four or five times so far in her life, two of those times were date nights with my husband and two were doctor/dentist appointments. She had a sitter for a few hours for a my same friend's bachelorette party/bridal shower. Tonight would be six times she's been watched since she was born, and you could maybe add another three or four trips to the grocery store, errands, etc. while we were visiting family or they were here. In 15 months, I think I've left her less than 9 or 10 times at all, not including daycare.
I thought after spending the whole summer with her, I deserved to take a few hours with friends, and I certainly did. I was gone for 5 hours, from 5-10ish. But it was hard for me to leave her. I spent the afternoon playing with her, feeling guilty for leaving. Around ten I started missing her face. The only reason I wasn't home earlier was because the girls got me talking about how much I love her, love being a mom.
I know my mom didn't spend all day every day just sitting around playing with us. She spent more of her time cleaning house, doing laundry, cooking, running errands, but I feel guilty when my attention is taken away from her at all. Some of my responsibilities mean I spend an hour or so researching on the computer or shopping online so that I don't have to drag her into the 110 degree heat or paying bills.
I really spend very little time cooking or cleaning while she's awake, and try to be really present with her. After all of June and July with her, I thought taking one night would be easy, but it wasn't. I felt lonely for her after a few hours. I needed the night out. It was so nice to have some hours that I wasn't focused on her. I had a couple glasses of wine, sat and talked with friends without worrying what she was breaking, getting into, or more recently climbing! She is going to be my little monkey for sure!
I needed the break, but also feel guilty for needing the break. I liked having a bit of adult freedom away from the baby, but really struggled with leaving her with a relative stranger since we don't spend a lot of time with the young neighbor girl. I wonder how it will feel after my husband comes home. Will it be easier to leave her for a few hours with my husband or harder because I'm sharing her attention?
I got home and found my little sneaky pete sitting on the couch, just pleased as punch with herself. The sitter tried to put her to bed twice, but Lil Bit is a manipulative little cuss and started screaming. Being 14, she just didn't know that she was getting played. After we walked her home, I just took her into her crib, put her down and walked out. She didn't make a peep. But that also felt good, like she needed mommy. The night out felt nice, but coming home to a warm smile and big hugs and kisses felt awesome.
Balancing myself as a woman and person with who I am as mommy has been pretty hard this deployment, but she gives me a reason to be and frankly, she is so freakin' cool that it is hard to put her to bed most nights. I just wanna see what she does next. Deployment is hard, but it gave me a year to bond with my little girl in a way that I won't ever forget, even if she doesn't really remember it. Of course, I would trade it for being able to share it with her daddy, but since I can't, I feel amazingly blessed to have gotten this time with her.
