Day 360: Frozen

I missed him today. He was online and I wasn't in front of the computer. By the time I realized he was on, he was gone. I feel guilty for missing him. He needed me to find and send him a document, and I didn't get the message in time to help him. This is one of the hardest parts of surviving the deployment. How do I balance living my life, doing my best to pass the time and being available for him to chat. Their schedules are sometimes so random and vary often. Between the craziness of his schedule and the 9 hour time difference, it is so hard to be there waiting every time he has a chance to talk.

I know it is ridiculous for me to feel like I have to sit here frozen to the computer or my phone every second and that he certainly doesn't want it that way, but the disappointment is palpable when I miss him. While perhaps a tad exaggerated, each time he calls or emails could be the last time we talk. We don't have the luxury of pretending that we have second chances. He is nearly as likely to be killed driving onto post (maybe more, have you seen those people drive?!) everyday as he does in Iraq, but not falling into bed next to him each night, losing precious years with him makes mortality tangible.

I remember the day we got married. His mother came into the bride's room and asked me if I were sure I wanted to marry him. I don't remember what I said exactly, but I remember feeling that the only regret I had was that it took me so long to find him and I regretted that I wouldn't have as many years to love him.


And now I have lost two + years already and will be losing another one out of the precious few we have together. We might have another 40 years at best and it isn't enough. I need every second I can find to love him, and feel cheated out of so many moments that a missed phone call feels like a lost week. Sometimes it is. I hope he knows how important he is to me and that even a missed moment is enough to keep me frozen to my computer or phone.