The week has just flown by and I don't know that I have really processed that he is gone. It is hard to feel anything when I am so exhausted I have actually hallucinated a giant spider or small gecko crawling across my shoes. At least I am telling myself it was a hallucination so I don't have to sleep in a hotel. and God, if it wasn't a hallucination, can I pick the gecko? Momma don't do spiders! Although when he is deployed, there aint nobody else. I have had to evacuate geckos, bats, spiders, and snakes. One snake tried to share the shower.
I was so wiped out I thought I would be anti-productive today, but if you're wondering how to motivate a very tired momma to get off the couch and get out of her pj's, Lil Bit knows - just puke on her! The first bottle of the morning made a reappearance all over the couch, me and her. I was out of my pj's, had a load of laundry going and the baby in the tub by 9.
My first load of laundry meant emptying Chad's hamper. We spent last weekend cleaning house and doing laundry so that when he left I wouldn't have extra work on my hands. Somehow he managed to fill an entire hamper in less than 24 hours. I don't know how he does it! As long as I was doing a load, I might as well separate his laundry too. Doing this last load (or three) of his laundry is always an emotional minefield. Having the pile of dirty clothes is a way of keeping him present for me. I generally pick one or two things and leave them most of the year just so he doesn't feel so gone. The laundry is one I don't let sit too long for obvious reasons. I don't know if I can explain how it feels to wash and put away those clothes. It is almost putting him away and hiding him in the recesses of my head and heart. I am torn inside between the quiet contentment I get from organizing and cleaning the house and the pain of its emptiness. I kept one shirt that still smells of his cologne and held it around Lil Bit as we listened to daddy's voice on the answering machine and the recorded storybook. I don't know if the smell makes much difference to her, but it does to me. Such a little thing, but it brings the tears right to the top today, especially when I heard his voice cracking on the last page of the story, "and when you think I can't love you any more, I do." The tears sit on my lashes, daring me to blink.
But that is generally as far as they get. I feel silly crying alone. It doesn't fix anything and can't bring him home. I know it is probably important that I do cry from time to time. Somehow though I always find that one movie that will let me cry on those days. Today it was Remember the Titans, uplifting and sad and I cried through the whole darn thing. The baby thought Mommy was funny. Somehow, holding her was all the more poignant today. She needed my snuggles. In less than two weeks, her brothers went home to their mother, her father and mother went back to work, she started daycare and then her daddy left for a year. She is very little, but it just has to be a lot for her. I just wrapped her up so tight and my tears blended with hers a few times today. Luckily she is mostly all smiles and now giggles too. It is hard to be sad when the baby's whole face is grinning at you waiting to see you smile too. I think she is going to save me this year. Every time I start to get maudlin, she pulls me back. Heck, every time I need to pee too. But her complete adorableness also makes glaring not having anyone with whom to share it. Nothing is quite so sweet as seeing this big, strong, fierce soldier sprint into the nursery to watch her laugh or the tender way he touches her tiny hands and snuggles her for long, lazy naps. There is a hole in our home today and it is only Saturday, 361. But the dirty shirt will sleep on the pillow beside me to try to kick just a little dirt back into that hole.
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