Yesterday I forgot the eggs on the counter when I went to work, so I am minus eggs for the week. Running to the store just is too much of a hassle with a baby to make it worth the effort this week. I drag myself to the car, but outside the school doors, a breeze whips around me. What? not 107 today? Only 90!! Sheesh, it is a cold front, so I decide it is time to start working on my exercise regime and take the baby for a walk/jog when we get home. One of the nice things about a deployment is that the only schedule I have to account for is my own. It is hard to take even a couple of hours away from him when he is home because he is home so rarely. Even when he isn't deployed, he works late, stays overnight for staff duty or spends a week at gunnery or goes for a few weeks or months to various schools. It works out that he is gone more than 50% of our lives "together," so I generally opt out of most activities that get in the way of having dinner together, but when he is gone, I can eat at five and walk at eight or vice versa. I play these little mental games like enjoying the relative freedoms in order to survive the crushing loneliness and emptiness.
But there are only so many hours in the day, and I have only a few hours of energy left, so I rush into the house to change for a walk. The house smells too strongly of coffee. Uh oh, a tiny green light glares at me accusingly. Stupid, cheap coffee pot doesn't shut off. Luckily, I didn't start a fire and roast my Maggie dog. Two days and two brain farts. Goal for tomorrow, don't leave baby anywhere or put bra in the freezer. Being a working parent is hard and doing it alone, so far is a work in progress.
After the walk, I check email, also a new mandatory activity every few hours. I just never know when he'll get a second to chat online. No news, but on Facebook, his regiment has posted pictures from Kuwait. I sift dejectedly through albums of pictures. They are a sea of digital ACU's and it is hard to see anyone, but then it might be? is it? oh, it is, it's him. Just seeing his face makes me feel whole again. At least now I know he has made it to Kuwait and is safe. I wasn't really worried, but each moment between emails, phone calls, skype sessions has a weight to it that defies definition. His voice is a touchstone, a security that buys another night of peace. For tonight, the picture will have to do.
Jen-Three days in and you are doing an excellent job...:) Remember when I came home from Trinidad after Ty left and was convinced someone broke in?? We all have our brain farts...:) It was great reading through your posts, although it broke my heart. I know this is going to seem like an impossible year, but you will survive and come out the other end stronger than ever:)
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