Day 160: Down time

After all the SO busy days. Today was a much needed break from being constantly busy for my dear husband. While he has so many things he wants to do, he needs days to relax too. He is so busy every single day over there that he comes home like he is amped up on adrenaline. It takes him a couple of weeks to be able to sit down, sleep through the night and/or take a nap.

I think about how hard it is for me to change my daily routine or habits. I can't imagine having to drop everything you've become accustomed to and jump into a completely different routine. He finds it very challenging to do so. On our way home for his father's funeral, we had to take a different (longer) route because the traffic on I-35 was too much for him. After being on constant alert for the past 6 months, he couldn't process all the cars on the road, their movements and threat assessment. While his conscious mind knew he didn't have to do all that, his subconscious mind couldn't stop racing. We took the longer route so we'd be on smaller highways and experience less traffic.

By the time he went to get the boys for our week with them, he'd been able to re-acclimate to some extent, but every day is a set of new challenges. He doesn't know how to fall asleep in our time zone for a few days, then it takes him a week or so to be able to sleep for more than four hours at a stretch. And when he gets up, he wants to go, go, go, do, do, do. By the time he is ready to calm down and relax, it is just a few days away from leaving.

Seems so unfair that he only gets two weeks to process so many complicated emotions and deal with intricate relationships. I wish the people in charge were more understanding of the issues in returning from war, being able to be here and connect emotionally with spouses and children. Fifteen days is just enough time to START relaxing and coming down off the adrenaline high of combat. Basically R&R is like a big tease. Here, come home, relax and then as soon as you do, are able to, we're gonna ship you back to war. Chad has even had some extra time due to his emergency leave and it wasn't enough.

I know we should be grateful for all we get. In World War II and Vietnam, they barely got letters and didn't get leave to return home for any time. But having it better than they used to doesn't mean it is good, just not as crappy as before. In World War II and Vietnam, most troops did one tour of duty. They weren't sent over and over and over and over. Believe me, it makes a difference.

We had some downtime today. We played a lot of xbox kinect games and stayed up way too late. The boys had light up wands they battered each other with all over the yard. Then daddy and I took over the xbox and played until we pulled every muscle in our legs, shoulders and backs. Then we stayed up later talking, connecting, making sandwiches.

Every little bit helps, but it would be nice to have more than a little bit. I am so looking forward to a day when I forget what it feels like to always have goodbye hanging over my head. Even when it is months away, it starts a countdown clock that never fades from my mind. I guess Chad isn't the only one in need of some serious down time. Crossing fingers that we get it. 

Day 218: Ch-ch-ch-changes

A few months ago, I had this perfect baby who went straight to sleep when I put her into her crib. She played happily in her Jumperoo or on the floor. She was OK with me being across the room and yet loved when I would play with her. She was content and easy going. Everyone teased me about being SO lucky.

Well, that all changed a few weeks ago. And it has been a roller coaster. She has been all over the map since we went back to school, but I think it has been a confluence of events: separation anxiety, teething, change in routine, new developmental stages, and lastly a cold.

After a rough night, she woke up this morning at 6 a.m. and wanted to be up. Usually she sleeps until we leave. Yesterday, she slept until nine. Today, I thought we weren't going to make it out the door. She woke up just before my alarm and screamed and screamed. At first, she was relatively content with being in her Jenny jump-up. She sat slowly twirling, snot draining down her face, peacefully watching me get ready for school. Still in my underwear, hair still in curlers, Lil Bit lost it.

She started sobbing quietly. So I stopped getting ready. I changed her diaper, got her dressed for the day, and put her into her carseat so I could finish getting ready. I talked to her, carried her from room to room, sang to her. Despite my best efforts, she started purple crying. Nothing consoled her, except rocking her back and forth, which was unproductive towards me getting dressed.

I wonder what changed. One thing I noticed, was that she started pulling up. Maybe the unsteadiness of her feet, the shaky new heights from which she now views her world scares her and makes her seek comfort and reassurance. I don't know. I do know that when she changes, I change. And about the time I start getting it right, she'll do it again.

Day 251: Someone's MOM

I know I had a blog titled someone's mom earlier, but this is a totally different topic. I have noticed on the roads the past few days/weeks people driving horribly. People serve into my lane with virtually no room to spare or pull out in front of oncoming traffic. I just can't fathom how people can be so careless.

The swerving car narrowly misses my front right fender. I take a sharp breath and hold it without realizing I've done it. Heat rushes up my spine and prickles race up my neck and itch my scalp. After a few seconds of swearing inside my head, I think, Hey! I'm someone's MOM! and I wonder what would happen if I were hurt. Even if I just had to be rushed to the hospital, would anyone know to contact the daycare?

While these thoughts tend to the macabre probably due to a good horror habit courtesy Stephen King and Dean Koontz, people's moms die all the time. Good men with families go to work in the morning and don't come home. Before, I obviously worried about my own safety, but I never really worried about what would happen if I were just gone. My husband would be sad, and I would worry about him moving on, but part of getting married is knowing that someday you will have to go on without your partner, or vice versa. My family and friends would miss me and it would be sad, but after awhile life would continue. My daughter is the first person whose life would be absolutely altered by my loss. And when that car swerved, I didn't think of me.

Of course, to all you veteran parents out there this seems kind of like, duh, Captain Obvious! But it wasn't a conscious process in my mind to being more concerned about her than my own safety. It just struck me as pretty cool that one day without even thinking about it, I put her first in my mind.

It is scary to think that I am her forever mommy. I have to do all I can to be there for her as long as possible, which since I was 39 when we finalized, will be shorter than most parents can expect to be around for their children. If I am very lucky, I will get to be around for her to be my age. While I want a long life for me, I want to make sure I am there for her questions when she has her first date, prom, boyfriend, eventually baby. Being able to share her with my mom is the most precious gift I can imagine.

It is really amazing how such a little thing as Lil Bit can make me love so much, could change my world so profoundly. I am overwhelmed by how all the cliches about parenting are true, how deep the love and protective instinct are, how every day I fall more in love with her. What a privilege it is to be someone's mom.

So I drive a tad more defensively, set the cruise control at the speed limit (or close ; 0), and have soup instead of ordering pizza. My perspective of others has also become more tolerant and compassionate as I realize that other people are someone's mothers and fathers and deserve to be home for their families. Again, there is no way to put words to how deep the change in my world this little girl has made.

Day 288: Stuck

I am still VERY sick, so a short entry tonight. I went to a seminar today about teaching grammar. It was very interesting. Basically we have several studies over the past 40-50 years that show how we taught and/or still teach grammar is completely useless and in fact, DECREASES the knowledge the students had when they came into our classes. Of course this might explain why tenth grade students still act like no one has ever explained a noun before.

The first study was published in 1967. Four years before I was BORN??? (yeah, I know I just dated myself).  Why then was I taught grammar in a drill and kill method? Why did I still not understand grammar until college and then only because someone made it make sense to me?

I don't know. Why then do teachers still fight so hard FOR this same ineffective method? I best people sat in this seminar and will be diagramming sentences on the board tomorrow. How do we get people to change? I don't have any answers today. I know that my methods have changed since I started teaching. I know I have found things that work and moved toward newer ideas, but I still resist change myself.

My goal for this week is to try this new method of teaching grammar. I was happy that at least some of what I am doing was part of what has been shown to work. If you're curious about the seminar, the website for our speaker was www.writeguy.net

We all need to make an effort to not be so stubborn and realize that good ideas can be new ones, too, not just the oldy but goodys.

Day 289: Sick

I have no immune system, never really had one. I was sick a lot as a kid, and now spend all day everyday around germy, snotty kids. I get sick a lot. Plus I have ALLERGIES, 24/7 which means my sinuses are a mess on a good day and ripe for conquest by any opportunistic bug.

I got sick last week and have no time to slow down or rest and it just keeps getting worse. I should have stayed home today. I really should have taken Lil Bit to daycare and stayed home to sleep. I am so sick I am miserable. I can't think, my voice is gone and all I want to do is take a nap. But I ache so much that sleep is kind of wasted too.

Yesterday I spent the day feeling SO rotten and not knowing what to do about it. I ate dry cereal from the box for breakfast. Lunch, mmmmmm, might have been a brownie from party leftovers if anything. It was one of those days I didn't even want to call someone. Complaining about it wasn't going to make it any better and calling my mom wasn't going to magically transport her to my house. I needed my mommy yesterday. I needed someone to bring me soup and crackers and watch the baby so I could nap. She just didn't really nap yesterday. She kind of "crap" naps, little 20-30 minute naps, which are not long enough to do anything for me except make me feel drowsy.

I have a horrible cough and sore throat and just overall feel like poop. I just feel so helpless. I can't do anything. Usually I could take a weekend and sleep to get over it, but with Lil Bit, no such luck. I have to just keep pressing on. I have a training tomorrow and will be absent from class already so I didn't want to miss today. Plus, I am trying to save the few sick days I have left for my surgery and Chad's R&R. I want to be able to be home with him the whole time he is home. You would think that after three or four major separations, it would get easier to go to work when he is home, but that isn't really the case. The longer he is gone, the more time I feel cheated from spending with him and those two precious weeks are even more important.

I just feel so helpless. My husband is expecting a package. In this packaged I promised to send him pictures and a video CD of the baby. I don't even know how to edit the videos or get them onto discs. I spent the entire night trying to find a stupid USB cable to hook up video camera to the computer, only to realize the port I was trying to use wasn't the USB hook up, it was the AV hook up. Finally got it plugged in and couldn't get it to make a disc. I could make a picture CD for him, but not a video cd. I don't know what the difference is or why it won't work, but I am exhausted, have started coughing with a deep throaty painful cough and my ears hurt and my doctor left his practice last week. I got the letter he was leaving two days after his last day. THAT was handy!


It was definitely a Monday. I miss my husband. I miss having someone around. A lot of people take that partnership for granted. I probably do from time to time, but if nothing else, this year of single mommyhood will decrease the likelihood of that happening again. Mommies don't get sick days. And when you follow a soldier from post to post, sometimes there isn't anyone to watch your dog or hold the baby or bring you soup.

No big lesson today, sometimes there is no answer, no solution, you just have to "soldier" through and hope things improve. No matter what, they will change, so do what you can to make them be better. On that note, Nyquil, here I come. Pillow, you're next!

Day 322: 5 months and 40 years

It is so hard to believe she is five months old already. While in the grand scheme of the rest of her life five months is barely a blip,  she is already growing out of this baby stage so quickly. Last night she was trying to use a sippy cup by herself. I think she just really wanted to wash down those peas!

I almost want to cry, "Freeze!" like we used to when we played freeze tag in Stephanie and Jenny's front yard and everyone stopped. I look forward to so many moments with her, but I also kind of want this precious year, especially this oh so adorable phase, to last so much longer than it is going to. I waited so long to have my little baby and she is already trying to sit up and crawl.

Tonight, I promise I will get out the video camera and charge up the battery so we can take some movies of these fleeting moments. I need to make Cd's to mail to daddy so he can see what a precious Lil Bit he has. Pictures and email is nice, but being able to see and hear her at the same time might make up for some of the special times he is missing.

Today is also my best friend's birthday, the big 4-0~!!! She and I have been friends for 17 years now. She was really my first friend as an adult that didn't cross over from high school or college. She has seen me happy, heartbroken, skinny and fat - too much of the latter, but loved me through all of it. It is hard today to be so far from her and unable to celebrate with her. Tonight, I will drink a Wild Blue (blueberry beer, an acquired taste for sure) in her honor and maybe take a chance catching her at home.

This army wife life has taken me into friendships I wouldn't trade for the world, but also moved me away from some of the most precious people in the world to me. Technology allows us to stay closer than before, but today, I am missing the hugs and the ability to share Lil Bit's special moments with family and friends in person.

So today two of my best girls get older and reminds me that the only constant in life, army life especially, is change. Live in the moment today. Keep working toward future goals and plans, but the only guarantee we have is right now. Enjoy it for what it is, a lesson, a sorrow, a joy, a drudgery - they all are part of us. Raise a glass with me tonight and toast your best friends and the people you love. They are gone too quickly.