Day 147: Phew

Saturday afternoon, I was again the victim of my own poor planning and time management skills. I hate waiting for anything, so I tend to wait to get ready to leave until nearly the last second I can start and be ready to leave on time, which with a child is just flat unrealistic. We had a party to get to and with curlers in my hair, a bottle in one hand and a pair of scissors in the other cutting wrapping paper, the phone rings. I didn't have to look at the caller ID to know.

If my husband didn't have crappy timing, he'd have none at all. He always calls right after I crawl into bed or hop in the shower or walk out the door for a run. I hadn't heard from him since he left, so I didn't want to scoot off the phone too quickly, but I didn't want to be late either.

We talked for a couple of minutes and he told me he had just landed in Kuwait. This was 48 hours after his plane left home. It had been a long, convoluted journey due to a sandstorm in Kuwait and he had three more legs to his journey before he got to his station.

He said he would try to call again on Sunday so we could really talk, but he didn't. Then I didn't hear from him Monday or Tuesday in an email. Tuesday morning, I checked my email immediately and frequently, but nothing. I got home a little late yesterday and by the time I took care of the dog and baby, it was nearly 6. I noticed a new message on the machine. When I hit play, I heard "I am calling for the wife . . . this is Rear D. . . "

I knew they wouldn't call me if he were killed, but they would if he were injured. My heart was racing. The dog was bouncing all over the kitchen; in the living room the baby wass shrieking just to hear herself shriek. I had to play the message three times to hear that it was about our adoption credit paper work.

Phew!! But I still didn't know where Chad was or if he was safe (a relative term in combat, but ya know). Then this morning I was racing to get Lil Bit to daycare early for picture day but got stopped at THE longest light ever. To keep me from getting impatient, I checked email. Scrolling down the list, checking off junk mail to delete, I see the subject line, "hey" and sigh.

He is safe, sick and lonely, but safe back at his post. He is not much safer if any than he was traveling, but just hearing from him, touching base, made me feel immensely better. Many wives get daily phone calls, but I prefer not to. I just need to live my own life and waiting for the phone makes that hard for me. Often soldiers manage daily emails home, but sometimes he can't do that, so I try not to count on them. Yet, when I haven't heard anything for three-four days, a wrinkle starts to tickle my brain. I start trying not to start worrying.

The relief was noticeable. Even my students noticed I was in a good mood. Of course some of that is because I have had unprecedented GOOD behavior for the past two days. He is still in danger and I have no idea what he faced today, but for my peace of mind, I was able to breath a sigh of relief and know for today he was OK. And I can tick off one more day . . . 

Day 189: Want to play a game?

Ok, I want you to think about your wallet. Now close your eyes and try to list everything in it. Here is my mental list.
1. Credit Card
2. Bank Card
3. Drivers' License
4. Military ID
5. Chad's birthday check from his mom
6. $20 or so
7. Old Chicago Beer Tour Card
8. Insurance card
9. ATPE association card
10. Library card

Now go get your wallet and look through it. Add important items you forgot or would have no idea how to replace.

1. Key card for my workplace
2. My dental plan card
3. My health insurance card
4. My daughters Safe Kids Card
5. My home state card if my license expires while we are stationed out of state
6. Another credit card for which I don't have the customer service number or account # (I know, my bad)
7. A Starbucks gift card.
8. My daughter's insurance card
9. Various rewards program cards
10. Family pictures

Wasn't that fun? Not so much when this game is played with a missing wallet! I noticed it wasn't in my purse this morning as I was getting out of my car at work. I remembered having it last night when I stopped at Walgreen's for cough syrup. I willed myself not to panic, so I went into work, tense and visibly concerned, but went to my room, helped a student with her work, waited for my co-teacher to get to our room, and then dashed home to check the house. On the way, I call Walgreen's and ask them about it - no wallet, but they will call if it turns up. At this point, I start thinking about what is in it. What do I need to cancel? No biggie, then it hits all my identification is in it, my name, face, parts of social security numbers and I really am struggling not to cry. I call my MIL to have her cancel the check for Chad's birthday. I also realize I have no way to grocery shop or get gas. Deep breaths, in, out, repeat.

When it wasn't in the house, I re-checked the car and then drove to Walgreen's. I checked the parking lot and walked in even though they said they didn't have it. When the clerk at the counter where I must have left it didn't see it behind the counter somewhere, I started making phone calls. I cancelled my main credit card and drove to the bank to cancel the debit card. I called the Sec of State's office back home to find out about getting a new drivers' license. That was all I could do at that point. I went back to school and taught the rest of the day. I got a few tips on how to replace my military ID, which process is a HUGE pain, needing two forms of ID, two forms (one verified?) and my Power of Attorney and then an appointment between 9-3:30 to see someone on post to get a replacement.

But in less than two hours, I had done a lot to get a handle on the situation. Then I joined FreeCreditReport.com so I could start watching my credit to make sure no one stole my identity. I started looking at identity theft companies and was still comparing features of them at 2 when my phone rang.

Walgreen's had my wallet. They had it since I walked off and left it, but I didn't notice it last night and the day manager had no idea the afternoon manager had put it in the safe.

It was a really scary day, wondering what was in that wallet that I couldn't remember, wondering who had found it and not turned it in, wondering what that person might be doing with all my personal information. A lot of prayers got thrown up heavenward. And it all did work out, thanks to the honest clerk or customer who picked it up when I dropped it.

I will say the day was not a waste. I learned I need to update my file about the things I carry in my wallet. I have a file where I keep all the information on all my credit cards, etc. I need to include what else is in my wallet so I know what might be lost if this happens a little less temporarily. I also learned that my credit score is awesome, go me! I also learned that even a truly difficult situation can be managed by being calm, taking things one step at a time and taking some time to think.

You can learn from my skyrocketing blood pressure to find a safe place, not internet accessible to protect it from hackers, to keep all your information in the case you have your own moment of epic failure. I know this happens, or something like it, probably on average a few times in a lifetime. I would hope this will be the last, but probably not. Be prepared - better safe than sorry. Pick an aphorism, but take care of yourself, you are the only you? Right? let's keep it that way! 

Day 255: Pillows

Today my Lil Bit and I were both sick. We both just needed a pajama day. I have been run down for about a month and a half now. I start to feel better and get sucked back down into sickness again. Today the headache from H - E - double hockey sticks reigned. I took Aleve, Tylenol, Excedrin - nothing helped.

We both napped and snuggled a lot. I had the love seat filled with pillows and blankets. She sat next to me playing with her binky and grinning. Every so often she would throw herself backwards, landing on the soft bed of cushions and pillows or into my arms.

As I caught her once, gradually lowering her to safety, I thought how much I wish she could be sheltered like this always. Now that she has started to crawl, while her world has opened up exponentially to her exploration, she is also opening herself up to all sorts of hurts, injuries, dangers.

I know I need to allow her to explore and "get hurt" in minor ways so that she learns limits, the word "No", how to do things, but I don't know how I am supposed to sit by watching her investigate and not always jump to stop her before she falls. I see so many sharp spots, hard places that can hurt her. How am I supposed to know how much to let go and how much to hold on?

I've been letting her crawl around on the floor, with as often as I vacuum is hazardous enough, explore a little, which drug out the dreaded no. I can already see that she understands no when she feels like it and just ignores me when she doesn't. Her world got wider and so did her eyes. Lil Bit is into everything she can reach. The cute wicker basket I've been using as a toy basket is now a hazard full of pieces easy to pick off and choke on.

I have this sinking feeling that my living room and all its soon to be removed cords, etc. is only the first of many chances I will get to wonder how much to let her explore without me. Don't we all wish for a world full of pillows for our children? My mother and mother-in-law still look at us wishing they could surround us with giant airbags. They watch us leave home, and I would imagine, spend a lot of time wishing we somehow could avoid the pitfalls and briar patches (bad guys and ieds too).

There are so many amazing aspects of being a mom that I only thought I could understand until she came into my life. This concern and worry was something I didn't anticipate. If love was enough to protect her, she'd have a long, safe, wonderful life. I may need pillows around my heart since apparently it is already moving, moved outside of my body.

Day 323: Something new

I gave up on love after my ex-husband and some disastrous dating. I thought I would never find someone worth letting myself love again. Then I met my husband Chad, and I realized I had never been loved. I finally had someone who looked at me and saw the woman of his dreams. He worried about impressing me. He loves to see me smile and wants to make me happy. He was loving me just as much as I was loving him. I felt loved for the first time in my life and loved (still do) him just as much. I finally felt that someone saw the real me, behind every mask I ever tried to wear, and loved me anyway. My heart breathed a sigh of relief and finally believed I knew what love was.

Then in the last few days, I realized what I found and am still finding with my husband was only the beginning of all the things love could be. I know I have written before about how much I love my beautiful daughter. But today, I realized she loves me too. She doesn't know the word, she is just figuring out she has feet, but she loves me. I have walked into daycare for two months and she doesn't really seem to have any reaction when I come in. Today she saw me from across the room and her face lit up. She twisted and turned around the girl holding her to watch me.

Then I had to make an emergency stop for gas on the way home. My gas gauge was glowing and growing emptier and emptier. I was glad I didn't chug into the station on fumes. I watched her through the rear window. She was playing with her car seat toy that Nana bought her.  Usually she is very focused just on her self and in her lap. This afternoon, she was looking around and looking a little concerned. I peeked in at her. When she realized I was there with her, she smiled and continued batting at her frog, looked up again just to make sure I really was still there and smiled again.

I realized I am her safe zone. I make her feel secure. My smile makes her smile. When I clap and cheer for her, she grins from ear to ear. Someday I will be who she wants when her tummy hurts. I will be the one she calls when she is scared and alone, even when she is forty (God willing I can be there to take that call). How wonderful and humbling. I am discovering love in new and wonderful ways as I feel more and more like a mommy everyday. I can't imagine a more powerful feeling than knowing I will forever be tied to this little person.

Sometimes literally, but who cares. Even in the evening, when I used to be able to put her down to let her play for a few moments, she now often wants me just to hold her. She misses me. So things I planned to do might not get done, but these precious moments of being able to wrap her up in my arms and give her everything she needs in a hug will go too fast.