I gave up on love after my ex-husband and some disastrous dating. I thought I would never find someone worth letting myself love again. Then I met my husband Chad, and I realized I had never been loved. I finally had someone who looked at me and saw the woman of his dreams. He worried about impressing me. He loves to see me smile and wants to make me happy. He was loving me just as much as I was loving him. I felt loved for the first time in my life and loved (still do) him just as much. I finally felt that someone saw the real me, behind every mask I ever tried to wear, and loved me anyway. My heart breathed a sigh of relief and finally believed I knew what love was.
Then in the last few days, I realized what I found and am still finding with my husband was only the beginning of all the things love could be. I know I have written before about how much I love my beautiful daughter. But today, I realized she loves me too. She doesn't know the word, she is just figuring out she has feet, but she loves me. I have walked into daycare for two months and she doesn't really seem to have any reaction when I come in. Today she saw me from across the room and her face lit up. She twisted and turned around the girl holding her to watch me.
Then I had to make an emergency stop for gas on the way home. My gas gauge was glowing and growing emptier and emptier. I was glad I didn't chug into the station on fumes. I watched her through the rear window. She was playing with her car seat toy that Nana bought her. Usually she is very focused just on her self and in her lap. This afternoon, she was looking around and looking a little concerned. I peeked in at her. When she realized I was there with her, she smiled and continued batting at her frog, looked up again just to make sure I really was still there and smiled again.
I realized I am her safe zone. I make her feel secure. My smile makes her smile. When I clap and cheer for her, she grins from ear to ear. Someday I will be who she wants when her tummy hurts. I will be the one she calls when she is scared and alone, even when she is forty (God willing I can be there to take that call). How wonderful and humbling. I am discovering love in new and wonderful ways as I feel more and more like a mommy everyday. I can't imagine a more powerful feeling than knowing I will forever be tied to this little person.
Sometimes literally, but who cares. Even in the evening, when I used to be able to put her down to let her play for a few moments, she now often wants me just to hold her. She misses me. So things I planned to do might not get done, but these precious moments of being able to wrap her up in my arms and give her everything she needs in a hug will go too fast.
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