Day 255: Pillows

Today my Lil Bit and I were both sick. We both just needed a pajama day. I have been run down for about a month and a half now. I start to feel better and get sucked back down into sickness again. Today the headache from H - E - double hockey sticks reigned. I took Aleve, Tylenol, Excedrin - nothing helped.

We both napped and snuggled a lot. I had the love seat filled with pillows and blankets. She sat next to me playing with her binky and grinning. Every so often she would throw herself backwards, landing on the soft bed of cushions and pillows or into my arms.

As I caught her once, gradually lowering her to safety, I thought how much I wish she could be sheltered like this always. Now that she has started to crawl, while her world has opened up exponentially to her exploration, she is also opening herself up to all sorts of hurts, injuries, dangers.

I know I need to allow her to explore and "get hurt" in minor ways so that she learns limits, the word "No", how to do things, but I don't know how I am supposed to sit by watching her investigate and not always jump to stop her before she falls. I see so many sharp spots, hard places that can hurt her. How am I supposed to know how much to let go and how much to hold on?

I've been letting her crawl around on the floor, with as often as I vacuum is hazardous enough, explore a little, which drug out the dreaded no. I can already see that she understands no when she feels like it and just ignores me when she doesn't. Her world got wider and so did her eyes. Lil Bit is into everything she can reach. The cute wicker basket I've been using as a toy basket is now a hazard full of pieces easy to pick off and choke on.

I have this sinking feeling that my living room and all its soon to be removed cords, etc. is only the first of many chances I will get to wonder how much to let her explore without me. Don't we all wish for a world full of pillows for our children? My mother and mother-in-law still look at us wishing they could surround us with giant airbags. They watch us leave home, and I would imagine, spend a lot of time wishing we somehow could avoid the pitfalls and briar patches (bad guys and ieds too).

There are so many amazing aspects of being a mom that I only thought I could understand until she came into my life. This concern and worry was something I didn't anticipate. If love was enough to protect her, she'd have a long, safe, wonderful life. I may need pillows around my heart since apparently it is already moving, moved outside of my body.