Day 345: Motherhood part 1

I say part one because this is going to be a very long year alone, and I sense future venting will be necessary. Tonight I picked up Lil Bit from daycare and she was all smiles and laughed when she saw me. I was so happy I thought she has finally adjusted to daycare, woo hoo! We get home and I try to feed her cereal, for only the second time, so I wasn't too optimistic, but what a dismal failure. She screamed like I was murdalizing her. Tears pooled on the tops of chubby cheeks. It was heartbreaking. I finally added more formula and she took it better, but I gave up and gave her a bottle after five or six disastrous attempts.

Then she drifted off in her high chair. I scrambled into workout clothes, hopped on the treadmill, only to have the dog start whining at the top of her lungs. Our dog has something wrong with her, she is chasing her wild dingo roots or something, but her whining is ear splitting. Maggie makes beagles look positively reserved. Then the doorbell rings over and over. The kid from across the street wants to play with the dog. They come over often and take her out and play with her, which is generally appreciated, but today woke up the baby only 10 minutes into what I had hoped would be a 40 minute jog. UGH!!, I wanted to scream! and then cry.

I moved her in the chair into the office, filled her tray with toys and started running again. That bought be a few more minutes, but not even ten. Then we tried the swing, another ten minutes, stopping a few times to change directions and readjust binky. When she started crying there, I finally put her into her crib and hoped she would nap. About 3 minutes before I was done, she started crying again. So I am on the treadmill, have a goal and a plan in mind, and I have to decide if I let her cry in her crib for three more minutes, selfishly finishing off a time and distance that are completely arbitrary, or do I put motherhood first. She kept the crying to a discontented snuffle so I stayed and finished my run, but skipped cool down.

A sweat covered mess, I am holding this fussy baby at arm's length and trying to get something to eat for myself. It is already 7:20 and I haven't eaten since an apple at 3. The baby won't stop crying tonight. Usually she is quite content to sit next to me in her boppy and watch me type on the computer. Not tonight! She cried and cried. Whenever I would get so frustrated and want to cry, she would laugh at me, thinking mommy was so funny. I don't have my lunch made, her outfit pulled out of tiny wicker bins, any papers graded, a shower taken, blogs aren't written, and I am waiting for my husband to call me. She has just fallen asleep under her play gym when the phone rings and wakes her up! Love daddy, but today wish a light would flash before the ringer!!

 I know this is just a big gripe session, but today was just one of those days. I don't know why, but a hundred little things went wrong. When hubby finally called, we disagreed about whether or not I should ever stay home with the baby. He has been dirt, eat hamburger helper and Ramen every night, poor and doesn't want to scrape by like that again. I am trying my best to find a way to make some secondary income so that I can stay home, but so far nothing is really working. I can't sell stuff like Avon - have no interpersonal skills and can't sell stuff I don't use. Anything else I am good at, isn't from home. I need a real work from home job that uses my English degree!! Or winning the lottery. As my friend Ally says, mmm, don't you have to play? Shoot, knew I was forgettin' somethin'!

All I can do is pray, I guess. Pray for an answer, a sign, a vision of the winning numbers? Pray he understands that putting our daughter in daycare for almost ten hours a day is ludicrous. We picked one of the best daycares in the area and they still can't provide for her the one on one attention I do or even one on three attention. They have 11 screaming babies, and I would imagine are lucky if they can get them all fed, changed, and asleep before they have to start again.  I want to teach her things and give her a childhood to remember - full of picnics and board games, dress up and imagination. It is a sacrifice for me to stay home, the $11 bottle of Pinot Grigio I am enjoying full of peach notes is not going to make the cut. Steak and shrimp will probably be for special occasions, if at all, but Lil Bit is worth it to me and I know when push comes to shove, she is for him too.

I guess like life, motherhood is a great balancing act. The trick is making it look effortless. I don't know how my mom did it, but she did it gracefully, and I only hope I can be half the mom she is.