Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Day 22: Balance

I've struggled with my weight my whole adult life. I think my genetic make-up predisposes me to being heavy. I can eat the same things as my family or friends and gain weight while they stay rail thin. I've watched people around me gorge themselves on all sorts of garbage while I restrict myself to healthy choices, but I gain and gain.

After having the hand, foot, mouth disease and being so sick to my stomach that I couldn't really eat, I lost 12-14 lbs. And decided to use my last remaining weeks to diet so I could feel like I at least look better than I did when he left, if only marginally.

I went to an old "friend," Sparkpeople  and went back onto my diet plan that I started last August unsuccessfully. I've been using it on and off for a few years. It works if I do it. But it is a struggle sometimes to take the time to type in my food each meal and record each fitness activity.

The calorie tracker is really nice and relatively easy to use. Almost any food I've eaten is in there, I just have to choose portion size add it to the meal I'm eating. If I eat at a friend's, I guess based on size of whatever we ate and figure trying to keep track of my calories is better than not. Last weekend, I put in a portion of lasagna, brownies, cookies, etc. and guessed, but putting it down helped me gauge how far I needed to run the next morning!

I have found that when I know I'm going to type it into my food tracker for the day, I'm much more likely to exercise some self-control. I find it easier to walk away from the brownie with sprinkles when I know exactly how many calories I have left for the day. A 200 calorie brownie doesn't sound like much, but when my calorie range is 1200-1500 a day, that is half a meal.

I'm much more aware of how quickly calories add up when I'm counting them. Recently I find that I'm struggling with eating enough calories. According to my fitness goals, I'm supposed to eat a minimum of 1200 calories. But somehow in my head, I struggle to even reach that number most days. Eating too little can cause my body to go into starvation mode and I would end up gaining more weight and putting my metabolism into an even bigger tail spin.

I just feel so much pressure to lose some weight in the week or so I have left before my husband comes home. I have lost 17 lbs. in less than a month now, but it doesn't feel like enough when I still look in the mirror and see fat. I know 17 lbs. really is quite a bit for less than four weeks, and I'm not complaining, but when it is the tip of the iceberg, somehow it just doesn't feel like enough. And I'm struggling to lose as much as I can safely so I don't gain it all back the week he comes home.

I've spent the entire year doing just that. I diet really well and lose a few pounds, then I cheat for the weekend or holiday or vacation and then diet again, then cheat again. I've lost the same 10 lbs. over and over. Today was the lowest weight I've been since he left last August by 3 pounds. But I would like to lose another 30 to be at a weight I would feel more comfortable at and 50 to be where I was in college.

I'm hoping to get to a nice round 20 lbs. lost before he comes home, just because it sounds like so much more than 17. He won't care. If I had lost 60 lbs., he would have noticed, but twenty, he probably won't notice, especially since it isn't much lower than when he was home for R&R, at least not much lower than when he got here. R&R kind of tanked my diet and when he left, I was exactly back to where I'd been when he left. It kills me that two weeks of normal eating and drinking more often than usual, but not too extremely undoes months of work.

I'm determined not to sabotage myself this time. I want to eat and drink and not be a fuddy duddy, but I'm going to try to stay on my calories with food and limit alcohol. I'm going to have fun for a couple of days and then back on the diet I go, which unfortunately means no booze. I really miss a glass of wine in the evenings. But here I am 40 and 30-40 lbs. over weight and miserable about it all the time. I miss feeling good about myself. Heck, I'd settle for not feeling like a freak.

So, I'm snacking on a bag of Pop Smart popcorn to get close to my 1200 calories for the day. I know he won't care if I lose another 3 lbs. He will be so glad just to be home, but maybe I'm really doing this for myself for once, so I feel comfortable in clothes that aren't the size of circus tents and can enjoy outings with my friends without feeling so noticeably different than my size 0 friends.

I just need to be careful not to go too crazy the other direction and be so swept up with how I look I forget to be concerned about what stringent dieting could do to my long term health. It is like most things I've learned, balance. You have to find the balance. Too much one way or the other and everything falls apart. As a military wife, we don't have a lot of balance. We either have our husband home every night or even on leave for weeks at a time or he is gone for a year. We either have all our friends and family or are thousands of miles away. Being able to find happiness in this off kilter lifestyle is about balancing. I go crazy and am super wifey, luvy duvy girlie when he's home, then I can be super independent chica when he leaves. Balance - I just have to apply it to the rest of my life too. 

1 comment:

  1. I am on a gestational diabetes meal plan. I don't say diet...because it isn't really that. I just have to watch my carb intake per meal. It is tough some days, some meals. All in all, it isn't a big deal though! I have not gained much at all in the month since I started it...so hoping for little gain in this pregnancy!

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